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To pretend a birthday party isn’t a birthday party so DDs JW mate can come

(128 Posts)
Vapidly Tue 13-Mar-18 18:07:21

She’s turning 8. Best mate is JW. She couldn’t come to her 6th birthday party as she isn’t allowed to celebrate birthdays. Her mum phoned to clarify what the party was for and I said her birthday and she apologised and said her DD couldn’t come.

This year she is having another birthday party but smaller. Desperately wants her mate to come. Would it be awful to just have a “party” with no mention of birthday or would it just be tricking the mum?

DD is happy to forego cake at the party and have it later. Plain balloons which don’t say birthday on them and isn’t bothered about gifts or singing happy birthday. Her friend knows it is her birthday and said her mum won’t let her come if it’s called a birthday party. Her other friend is a Muslim girl who is allowed to come as long as no alcohol in the house. We remove it and put it in the garage when she comes over. I have no issues with religion and don’t want it to seem like I’m trying to get one over the JW mum.

What makes a party a birthday party?! AIBU to just have a party and not mention the birthday bit to the mum?

flowery Tue 13-Mar-18 18:11:04

”Would it be awful to just have a “party” with no mention of birthday or would it just be tricking the mum?”

Well I doubt very much it would be tricking her, as presumably one year on from your daughter’s last birthday party, she could probably work out what the party is for without too much mental strain?!

I would suggest putting your proposal to the mum and asking if her daughter would be able to come if all mention of birthday is removed etc.

IAmWonkoTheSane Tue 13-Mar-18 18:12:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bostonkremekrazy Tue 13-Mar-18 18:13:09

I would be honest with the mum. Tell her she really wants her friend there and ask - how can I make that happen?
We are happy to not have cake, happy birthday songs etc...its more of a friends gathering ☺.
I bet mum would be pleased you asked. What a kind dd you have OP.

TopSecretSquirrel Tue 13-Mar-18 18:13:54

Instead of pretending it isn’t a birthday party when it is, couldn’t you have a party for another reason and then invite her friend. One of my boys was invited to a Winter Party at school so two JW girls could spend time with their friends playing games and doing crafts, party food etc. It was really nice for them.

AnxiousAllTheTimeNow Tue 13-Mar-18 18:13:56

I wouldn't try to pull the wool over the JW mum's eyes. Be honest about what the party is actually about.

ScreamingValenta Tue 13-Mar-18 18:14:18

Just be honest with the mum and see what she says - explain that although the party is timed as a birthday party, there won't be any birthday-themed activities or food.

Vapidly Tue 13-Mar-18 18:15:05

It’s two years on. I am genuinely trying to turn it into a party and not a birthday party. But even with no mention of the word party it’s still a party because of a birthday.

I don’t remember when random kids have birthdays and i doubt many other parents do!

Aprilmightmemynewname Tue 13-Mar-18 18:15:12

Would it be on the exact day or not? JW friends of mine have a present day on a random day each year - maybe this would be OK.

ineedamoreadultieradult Tue 13-Mar-18 18:16:07

I would have the birthday party as normal but then have the JW child over a week later to play or to go out to bowling/cinema or aomething. It does feel a bit like tricking her.

OutyMcOutface Tue 13-Mar-18 18:17:37

All you are going by to achieve is that the poor girl will be banned from being friends with your DD. It’s bad enough that there that th poor thing is being raised in a cult. Don’t let her loose her best friend over a party.

GratedCarrotStick Tue 13-Mar-18 18:18:04

I would speak to the mum and ask her what would work.

Vapidly Tue 13-Mar-18 18:18:05

Party is two days before her birthday.

Friend isn’t particularly allowed to socialise bowling/day out etc.

Foxedme Tue 13-Mar-18 18:18:06

Just talk to the Mum. Some JWs are more strict than others. Tell her what you’d like to do and that it would mean so much for DD to have her friend there. You might find that she’ll be ok with it. Especially as you’re kind of de-birthdaying it somewhat. Or if she not up for that maybe she’ll offer to take out DD and her daughter for a trip out another time instead - that’s what I’d do in that situation if I was a strict JW.

Vapidly Tue 13-Mar-18 18:19:43

Obviously she goes out and socialises but mostly with other JW families.

The mother doesn’t speak very good English so I’m not sure how I can convey the non birthday party thing to her unless I do it through her DD.

Eltonjohnssyrup Tue 13-Mar-18 18:19:55

I would say to her Mum ‘DD’s birthday is around this time, but we have decided that rather than celebrating her birthday we are just having a friend’s get together’. You would probably need not to have mentions of age or birthday and no singing happy birthday but could still have all the cakes and food and games.

Maybe she could have a family tea with all the ‘birthday’ stuff? I think that is more honest and respectful, if you explain what you’re doing because you want her DD to come. Hopefully she will be touched you think so much of her DD to do that.

WhyteKnyght Tue 13-Mar-18 18:19:59

Yes, ask the mother. A "friends' gathering" or "spring party" might be fine. Don't try to trick her: it's not fair and her DD probably wouldn't enjoy the party anyway if she knows her mother wouldn't approve.

Eltonjohnssyrup Tue 13-Mar-18 18:20:35

Could you email it to the mum? So she can online translate?

Tattybogle89 Tue 13-Mar-18 18:20:48

She isn’t allowed to socialise or go to parties. What a childhood

Bluelady Tue 13-Mar-18 18:22:33

Please don't be dishonest with her. It's unfair. I was brought up as a JW and it's likely the friendship would come to an abrupt end if you try to pull a fast one.

pigshavecurlytails Tue 13-Mar-18 18:23:07

Have to say I wouldn't pander to a JW. their attitude on blood transfusions is pure evil. As a medic I've seen people coerced by their community into refusing blood. Take the girl out sometime but don't do anything to encourage mum in her warped beliefs.

PumpkinPie2016 Tue 13-Mar-18 18:23:25

I think you are being lovely trying to accommodate the girl but I would suggest speaking to mum. If no party is acceptable then can the girl come over for a nice tea one night (assuming that's allowed?)

I feel sorry for the girl though - poor kid, not even being able to go to your friends birthday party!

I genuinely try to be tolerant of the people's beliefs, but, I have to be honest JW is one I just can't get my head around - the whole thing is just bizarre but if course that isn't the child's fault.

Leeds2 Tue 13-Mar-18 18:25:55

I think your DD sounds lovely, and I would hope you can work something out that suits everyone.
Just bear in mind that the other guests are likely to bring birthday presents, and some of the guests, and their parents, may wish your daughter a Happy Birthday. And I am not sure you can stop them!

Grilledaubergines Tue 13-Mar-18 18:25:55

I must say your daughter sounds a sweetheart for making changes to accommodate her friend.

I think honesty is the best policy - “it’s a party, it’s not on her actual birthday but is in recognition of, and my daughter is prepared to make changes to traditional celebrations in the hope that your daughter can come”.

halcyondays Tue 13-Mar-18 18:30:57

It's still a birthday party even if you don't have cake or balloons with happy birthday. Probably just better to have her over for a nice tea maybe the week after.

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