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Mum Just Lectured At Me About DS's Long Hair

(250 Posts)
lqhufqhurfhuerg Tue 13-Mar-18 13:29:46

My mum has DS one day a week during working hours. He's 3. He has gorgeous long curly blond hair. We've never cut it apart from the fringe - it's quite long now (shoulders).

He is also keen on clambering about outside, and jumping in puddles. When clothes are new they don't remain looking new for long - some marks won't wash out. Some of his clothes are hand-me-downs and are not out-of-shop brand new - so have some marking.

She's just brushed his hair (making it look more brushed, but to me terrible and the lovely curls have gone) and given me a 10 minute lecture about the fact that it's not fair and that it'll be scarring him for life because people will be judging him and thinking he's either odd for having long hair while being a boy, or that he'll be scarred by being confused as a girl - and that when he goes to school he'll be teased by other children and it'll scar him for life.

She thinks her friends disapprove of his hair and his regular mild grubbiness. She finds this very difficult to deal with and feels embarrassed to be seen out with him.

I mildly angrily said perhaps she should change her friends. She said the problem was that even if I was right with my ideals and choices about how society should be, people out there are judgey and.... yep... he'd be scarred for life.

A lot of boys have long hair these days don't they?

And quite a lot of them are quite grubby quite often aren't they?

Eolian Tue 13-Mar-18 13:32:03

There are loads of boys with long hair. She's just making judgments based on how things used to be. And YANBU about the mild grubbiness either!

CaptainKirkssparetupee Tue 13-Mar-18 13:32:19

You should be taking care of his hair, regardless of the length.

Fekko Tue 13-Mar-18 13:32:44

Little boys and their to curls... DS has huge ringlets when he was little and was forever getting his hair ruffled in public. He started getting it cut when it started getting knotty (it's very thick).

Let him have his curls - he won't want them for ever. And yes, kids get grubby!

LimonViola Tue 13-Mar-18 13:33:17

You smile and say 'thanks for your input, we love it!' and change topic. It'll take the wind right out of her sails.

Avasarala Tue 13-Mar-18 13:34:09

There's long and then there's messy. My son's hair is the same, curly blond and he keeps it long (he's 6) but more like... surfer hair... that's the best way I can describe it! But we still have it styled, so there's no frizzy ends or messy bits. He can grow it out all he wants, but you should maybe take him to have it styled?

If you're happy, then you can always ignore her and leave it as it is.

cucaracha Tue 13-Mar-18 13:35:07

I don't see many boys with long hair, but do you never brush his hair?

Yes, kids get grubby, but not first thing in the morning.

Oblomov18 Tue 13-Mar-18 13:35:46

People are allowed a preference, an opinion. Mostly, I don't like long hair on little boys. That's just my preference.

Bettyswitch Tue 13-Mar-18 13:36:56

As a mother of a long haired, at times grubby 2yr old ds tell your mother to stop being a judgey old crow 😂 If you son is happy with his hair then leave him be!

Eltonjohnssyrup Tue 13-Mar-18 13:38:02

Looking like a girl is neither here or there, loads of boys have long hair these days.

Looking unkempt is a different matter. Aside from not cutting it, are you looking after his hair otherwise? Is it combed and washed regularly? Some parents do have a tendency to grow boy’s hair long but then don’t care for it as they would a girl’s so it becomes matted and unkempt.

Looking like a girl is a bit of a red herring here. But if he is regularly looking scruffy enough for not just your Mum, but also her friends, to notice you might want to have a think about it. If you’re not maintaining his long hair and he looks scruffy, it might be fairer on him to go for an easier to maintain cut.

Ljlsmum Tue 13-Mar-18 13:38:11

CaptainKirk. You don’t brush curly hair when it’s dry as it makes it fuzz up. My daughter had very curly hair and I’d be annoyed if someone decided it needed brushing and did it. They’d be making things way worse.
OP ignore your mum, your son should be enjoying himself and not worrying about whether he looks a little grubby. Kids play and sometimes get a big messy. I see lots of boys with longer hair, they normally have wavy or curly hair too so the mums are probably allowing it to grow to show it off a bit. I’m sure when he’s older he’ll let you know if he wants it cutting.

fourandnomore Tue 13-Mar-18 13:38:19

Kids being slightly grubby to me indicates they have fun and get outside and play, which is a great thing! Keep his hair as long as you like as long as he's happy with it. There's nothing wrong with girls either so why do people think it's so bad if a boy is mistaken for one? I have four kids, only one is a boy and he's fussier about his clothes and hair than the girls - he didn't want it cut but now does so we do cut it slightly shorter. Let him keep his curls. Yanbu.

CruCru Tue 13-Mar-18 13:39:34

Where do you live? If you live somewhere with a lot of long haired boys, it isn't a terribly big deal. However, if he is the only boy for miles with long hair then it may be time to cut it. It doesn't have to be a short back and sides - lots of boys have collar length hair.

I should probably also say that I also don't like long hair on girls and was quite disappointed when my daughter said she wanted to grow out her jaw length bob.

MyKingdomForBrie Tue 13-Mar-18 13:39:49

Not quite sure how you’re meant to keep them clean at that age! Mine is 18 months and regularly muddy because she loves to run around in the park and stick her hands (and face!) into everything.

I’d brush his hair though.

LeighaJ Tue 13-Mar-18 13:40:45

He's 3 not sure how scarred he can be by these hypothetical scenarios she's proposing. It sounds more like the only one having an issue with his hair is her and her old biddy friends.

My youngest nephew had long hair when he was younger which my Mom loathed but my sister was equally annoying by getting super huffy when people mistook him for a girl. I once mistook him for a girl, I hadn't seen him since he was a baby and saw what I thought was a toddler girl being carried up the drive by my BIL and asked family members "Who's that little girl BIL is carrying?" 🤔 Oops. 😅

Ginza Tue 13-Mar-18 13:41:53


Your DS is happy with his appearance.

You are happy with his appearance.

Everyone is comfortable and happy... except one person. Who is trying to justify it by claiming that nameless 'friends' and 'people out there' and 'society' have a problem with it. No, they don't - this is 2018 - and if they did then you and your DS would quite rightly not give a shit.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 13-Mar-18 13:42:36

Your son is normal enough. Your parenting is normal enough. Your child will not be scarred for life nor catch being gay. Smile and nod at your mother and ignore.

MaireadMacSweeney Tue 13-Mar-18 13:43:16

In not a fan of long hair on boys either and I'd be embarrassed taking him out like that especially if his clothes were dirty looking too.

Couldn't she keep an outfit or two at her house for him to wear when she looks after him and some hair bobbles?

Beamur Tue 13-Mar-18 13:43:28

You know what your Mum is saying is daft. But, she's your Mum, loves her GS and is saving you a days childcare.
If I were you, on the days she has him, send him with his hair brushed and in clean, unstained clothes. If she goes on about his hair, you could say you're just enjoying his curls a little longer.
It's really not unusual to see little boys with longer hair these days and he may decide himself at some point he wants it cut - or not!

howmuchtoomuch Tue 13-Mar-18 13:43:33

I have a grubby, curly-mopped 3yo too. My DF is desperate to give him a short back and sides, I won't hear of it!

AuntLydia Tue 13-Mar-18 13:43:35

Kids do get grubby, yes. Especially at their age. But you'd kind of expect them to look reasonably clean first thing in the morning. My own kids and my childminded kids start the day in clean clothes and then it's a steady downhill slide from there! I do put them in clean clothes and give them an extra scrub if I'm taking them out in the afternoon and they look a bit unkempt though.

It's very difficult to tell if yabu or not as what constitutes clean and tidy for one person is entirely different for another.

IamtheDevilsAvocado Tue 13-Mar-18 13:44:37

He'll choose soon enough whether he wants long hair or not....

What your relatives think... Just prejudice.

He won't be scarred for life.... That's madness...

heron98 Tue 13-Mar-18 13:45:55

I think long hair on boys looks awful and try hard but your kid, your rules.

howmuchtoomuch Tue 13-Mar-18 13:46:36

What on earth do you mean by 'try hard' heron98?!

Davespecifico Tue 13-Mar-18 13:48:32

How would she know he gets grubby? If she has him from early morning, he hasn’t had a chance to get grubby yet and if he’s in her care for the day, it’s up to her how grubby he remains.
Re hair: she’s overstepping polite boundaries. She should be welcome to think what she wants, but not welcome to berate another adult.

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