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in my reaction to DD's rudeness

(88 Posts)
DiscontinuedModelHusband Tue 13-Mar-18 13:24:36

apologies for length...

over the last few weeks (months), DD has become ever more rude and disrespectful. of me, DW, and my PIL (who support us a great deal with after-school lifts etc).

she has no tolerance for anyone or anything that doesn't fit what she wants, and makes it very obvious how she feels.

she's often awful to DS1 (she's the oldest, he's the middle one), and seems to make it her life's obsession to ensure that everyone is aware of every little fault/mistake he makes.

she's 14, and is under pressure at school, as has historically been a very high performer (though most of this pressure she puts on herself)

she is spoilt (obviously not her fault), and very entitled as a result.

we've tried talking to her, but we just get further rudeness, and are told "well then people shouldn't annoy me", and things like that.

last night, we went to the shop to get some stuff for her and DS1's lunch today. in the car she was picking her nose, so i called her out on it (as she frequently does when her brother does it). she got all arsey, and as we were walking into the shop, she loudly told me to shut up.

i don't really care what other people think, but this was my tipping point. i told her i was buying lunch for DS1, and that she could sort her own out (we had plenty of stuff at home, we just went out for treats, as it's a weird schoolday today).

i said i'd had enough of her behaving like a twat, and that i wasn't going to put myself out for her anymore, until she started to show a little more respect, and stopped taking everyone for granted.

later in the evening, i'd decided i wasn't going to drop her at her friends on the way to work/school, so i told her this (we live <0.5 miles from her school, so it would be perfectly possible for her to walk, AND DW drops DS2 at school almost opposite, so she could get a lift with her too - i hadn't just abandoned her with no way of getting to school).

this morning, she's obviously still in foul mood about it, shouting that i was "forcing her to starve", and "preventing her from getting to school", and that it wasn't going to change her behaviour, because she's even angrier now.

i honestly don't care - obviously she's realised i'm not backing down, and it's bothered her that she's not just getting her own way.

DW hasn't said, but i don't think she agrees with my approach. however, her/our normal approach of trying to talk to her about it maturely has made no difference until now (apart from an evidently insincere apology and hug).

have i been too harsh?

DalekDalekDalek Tue 13-Mar-18 13:27:50

I think you were a bit harsh in calling her a twat...

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 13-Mar-18 13:29:05

I'm not sure calling her a twat is setting her a good example of how you want her to behave! grin As for the rest of it, typical teenage sulking really - did you tell her there was food to make her own lunch?

Leave her to calm down and just leave her to her own devices. She's old enough to get herself to school and sort out her lunch.

Beamur Tue 13-Mar-18 13:31:30

Sounds like you have a drama llama teen. I hope you didn't actually call her a twat in public, as that is mean and frankly, you're showing yourself up there!
But, I'd say it probably is ok to say you've had enough of unreasonable behaviour and withdraw some privileges until a bit of mutual respect is shown.

Bettyswitch Tue 13-Mar-18 13:32:08

Its a good thing you have decided to call time on the twattish behaviour, it will only get worse if you keep allowing/enabling her to be that way!

TheOnlyWayToEatSandwiches Tue 13-Mar-18 13:32:51

This book might help. It helped me with mine:

orangesticker Tue 13-Mar-18 13:34:45

i honestly don't care I think if you want to come across as someone who's in control and does don't bend to her will then you have to get a grip on your emotions - at least in front of your dd, calling her a twat was behaving just like a 14 year old. Apart from that - not too harsh at all.
I'd make her walk to school everyday, might help to calm her down a bit.

DiscontinuedModelHusband Tue 13-Mar-18 13:35:38

i know saying she was acting like a twat wasn't really appropriate - i wanted her to understand i wasn't just telling her off like normal, and that this was something different. but i did regret it immediately.

we were in the car at the time though - not screaming in the middle of the supermarket!

fobiddenfruitcrumble Tue 13-Mar-18 13:36:58

You haven't been too harsh but you will need to strive to maintain a sense of inner calm over the next 6 years. Teenagers are works-in-progress and their brains are missing vital links. What is a massive row to you may not be that big a deal to them. Be confident in your plan, keep sanctions as simple as possible and then just go about your day.

If she wants to strop about being made to walk half a mile then just let her.

Drastically reduce the things that you tell her off for. Nose-picking in the car is not that big a deal. Embarrassment is a trigger you don't really want to pull with teenagers.

Learn to speak like a therapist - don't pass judgement when she tells you something, just make interested but neutral noises.

Take lots of time for yourself

MyKingdomForBrie Tue 13-Mar-18 13:37:03

No I don’t think that’s too harsh at all, it’s a completely necessary lesson for life that you don’t act like a dick to those providing for you.

MinnieMinchkin Tue 13-Mar-18 13:39:24

You need to talk to DW in private ASAP to ensure you can maintain a united front! Good luck!

(My DD is 8, I have all this to come)

Pengggwn Tue 13-Mar-18 13:39:40

I think you need to react less emotionally to her poor behaviour. Telling her she is being 'a twat' puts you on her level and makes her think the way she speaks to people is actually okay, because when you're annoyed, you call her a twat.

peachgreen Tue 13-Mar-18 13:41:29

You embarrassed her by telling her off in public for picking her nose - I'm afraid I can understand why she told you to shut up!

She's 14 - she's dealing with intense emotions and serious hormones and everything is awful - that's just how it is being a teenager. It sucks. I think your DW's strategy is better in the long run, personally.

DiscontinuedModelHusband Tue 13-Mar-18 13:45:59

i guess i just wanted to shock her a bit - we don't typically use bad language, so it was a surprise to her!

we've had endless reasonable "chats" with her, giving her the opportunity to think about her actions, rationally and calmly explaining why people get upset when she behaves that way.

it's got us nowhere but forced/insincere apologies though, so i wanted to give her a jolt - to try and show she'd crossed a line. i agree it wasn't helpful, and will be much calmer in future.

SweetMoon Tue 13-Mar-18 13:47:38

Not harsh at all. Perhaps she'll start to think next time. Or perhaps not. Teens are certainly a different species I think grin. You'll get told off for calling her a twat though on mn, but I feel your pain. I have a 14 yo too and they are indeed on regular occasions a total twat. I haven't yet called mine that but it's merely a matter of time I think because they wind me up beyond all reasoning fairly frequently.

Stay strong. Apparently they get over this period of twatdom. There is light at the end of the tunnel, it's just a really, really long bloody tunnel at times.

DiscontinuedModelHusband Tue 13-Mar-18 13:48:31

i called her out on picking her nose when it was just the 2 of us in the car.

she said she only comments on her brother when he does it in public (which is not true, and i called her out on that too). it's different though apparently because i "don't count as public", whereas she does.

i have wondered if this is quite telling about how she sees me/DW

Beamur Tue 13-Mar-18 13:51:18

I think showing your emotions - sometimes - is actually a good thing, that you are really upset/disappointed/angry. But, I'd also echo that this stage does pass. Even my otherwise delightful DSS went through a briefly vile phase at this age. I've a DD with puberty looming...

Trinity66 Tue 13-Mar-18 13:59:43

You're doing the right thing but doing it calmly is better, she will eventually cop herself on if she realises that her bratty behaviour is losing her stuff not gaining her anything

TwitterQueen1 Tue 13-Mar-18 14:01:26

Sounds like normal teenager behaviour to me. I would suggest trying not to overreact and blow things out of proportion. You can't start picking up on everything - you'll exhaust yourselves and make everyone's lives miserable.

You can be clear on boundaries and disapproving of words, actions etc without putting undue pressures on rules and what she should or shouldn't do.

You shouldn't have called her a twat.

MsHarry Tue 13-Mar-18 14:01:41

I think you have done the right thing. I have 2 teen DDs and this kind of thing rears it's head from time to time. I have a zero tolerance, remove phone and send them to their room until they can reflect on their behaviour. Doesn't stop it happening but they know that I won't stand for it and they will be called out on it EVERY time.

SheRasBra Tue 13-Mar-18 14:03:22

I feel your pain. When our DD has been challenging we have told her very calmly that if there is a repeat of certain behaviour she will lose her phone for x amount of time or will miss out on a social event.

We've also set expectations around good behaviour e.g. no Youtube watching until homework is done etc.

Juts keep going with the broken record, "I will not be spoken to like that," and then a consequence.

I agree with posters saying to discuss and agree sanctions with DW. DH and I try to have a laugh about some of the more unreasonable behaviour when she's not there. Show her Harry Enfield's 'Kevin the Teenager' if she hasn't seen it on Youtube. Our DD actually laughed and said, "Oh god, that's me!"

CaffeineAndCrochet Tue 13-Mar-18 14:04:08

I think telling her she's behaving like a twat is different to actually calling her a twat. It's only a small difference but because of it, I don't think you were really that wrong in what you said.

Maybe you and DW could try the good cop/bad cop thing. You stick to your guns and DW tries to talk to DD to see if anything is going on with her other than pressure at school.

MsHarry Tue 13-Mar-18 14:05:20

No I wouldn't swear at my kids ignore the one time I called DD17 a selfish shit but she really really was

OP I find it hard sometimes to keep calm but it's the best way. They really do blow up and calm down quickly and if you get in a state you're left brooding on it all day. Just restate the rules and move on.

DiscontinuedModelHusband Tue 13-Mar-18 14:07:25

i have wondered about "good cop, bad cop", but having heard from DW about her own upbringing, and how her DM was always "bad cop", and her DD was ALWAYS "good cop" (and played on it constantly), they have very different relationships with her.

because of that, i'm wary of going down that path - we've always tried to be 100% united in stuff til now.

MsHarry Tue 13-Mar-18 14:07:56

Read this book. It helps keep a perspective.

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