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To ask for some positive stories regarding blended families

(8 Posts)
LMW1990 Tue 13-Mar-18 12:07:36

I am currently 8 weeks pregnant. It has come as quite a shock to myself and DP as we were not trying (in fact actively trying not TC). At this moment in time all options are on the table. Yesterday I had my first Bpas appointment to discuss all options. They gave me a scan, which has really made things very real for me.

DP has 2 DC already aged 7 and 3. They have gone through a lot of change in the last year or so and he/we are keen not to upset the apple cart too much, as it were. They live with us 50% of the time and have done for around 9 months. DP and I have been together for 2 years.

I am ready to be a mum. I adore my step children and I'm keen to have a more permanent connection with them through a child of our own.

DP is a worrier. He worry how the children will react, that they will feel replaced, that they will be jealous that this child will live with us all the time, that his ex will make things difficult etc.

He says he has read bad things online (!) and I really want to show him that people have had positive experiences in our situation.

EenaMinaMoe Tue 13-Mar-18 12:26:56

I was raised in a blended family - my DM died and my DSM's ex was in prison though, and so none of the kids were sharing time between two houses. It was a bit mad - six kids, two parents, lots of trauma from loss of a parent - but DF and DSM were amazing and we somehow all turned out alright and very close. All my nieces and nephews and DD just call them granny and grandad - no one really pays attention to the biology of it anymore. And we all get on with each other.

I love my family to bits.

pawpatrolearworm Tue 13-Mar-18 12:33:41

DP is a worrier. He worry how the children will react, that they will feel replaced, that they will be jealous that this child will live with us all the time, that his ex will make things difficult etc

It's good that he is concerned about those things, they are real possibilities and it would be a bad thing if he wasn't thinking about them and how to ameliorate the difficulties.
Be ready for jealousy and upset and don't make them feel they are being unreasonable. Remember that it will be difficult for them: their dad has left their family and they spend half their time with him, now he has a new family and their new (half) sibling will live with him full time. It's natural that will feel unfair to them.

There is no reason you can't make this work and everyone be happy, just please don't try and push them and make them fit your picture of how it should be. Listen to them and be guided by them, and have him spend lots of time with them.

Beamur Tue 13-Mar-18 12:36:41

My SM is awful. We have no contact, luckily my Dad met her when I was an adult otherwise I imagine she'd have been hellish.
I'm also a SM, partly based on the above I've tried very hard not be be evil.
I've accepted from Day 1 that the SC's and DP were a bundle, get one, get them all. Also v helpful that DP and ex are kind, civilised people.
DD came along (planned) after DP and I had been together for about 4 years. To be honest, it was no big drama. Kids were first to know about the baby, helped to choose a name, stuff like that. I'd go as far to say having a baby made us more of a family. I think it also made me kinder and more patient with the older kids.
The 3 kids all get on well, they refer to each other as brother/sister and love each other.
Sure, it's not always easy, but it doesn't have to be hard. DD really enjoyed the 50:50 split of time - she had her big siblings around a lot, but also had time with us when they were at their Mums. I think the older DC's also enjoyed the respite from the baby too.

Oooeeeerrrrrindeed Tue 13-Mar-18 12:40:10

My dh has a step mother and a step father. He has 2 half sisters. One adopted brother and a step sister. They were all at our wedding. As was his step mother's adoptive parent.
He has been raised in a very supportive fashion. He knows he is loved. He will admit he's said awful things as a teen. Ultimately though they all get in brilliantly.
He willingly became a stepdad and handles moments of "your not my real dad" better than my own parents handled anger I directed towards them.
Everyone argues and children push boundaries. If you focus on that being part of it, listen and respond with care and support they get through it like other children to adulthood.

Oooeeeerrrrrindeed Tue 13-Mar-18 12:40:58

My children all get on as other's with similar age gaps.

rinabean Tue 13-Mar-18 12:47:08

It's not about situations or experiences, that's the thing, it's about how you're going to act. Lots of people are terrible step parents without their own younger children, so if you're okay so far that's good. You will probably love your own child a lot more than them. How hard are you willing to work to make sure it doesn't affect things? How harshly are you willing to look at your own behaviour for the next god knows how many years? It's a lot of responsibility but it really does all come down to you and how you treat your step kids going forwards. He will need to be careful too but as long as he's not completely horrible it will be easier for him, because they're all his kids anyway.

It's cheesy but I think it's true, that you're already looking so hard at it is a good sign. It's just, you will need to keep up this level of introspection for a long time, especially when you don't want to. And more people fail than succeed. It doesn't mean you won't succeed. I'm not going to tell you all about my horrible experiences, but I was replaced by my father's new child and I still don't think it's inevitable at all, and I don't think he ever had these conversations with his wife and I think that was part of it. I think it's very possible for this to all turn out well for you but it might be hard. (Or I'm wrong and more depressingly for me but more cheering for you, it's not very hard at all but simply a matter of caring about those kids and not wanting to replace them - in which case you will definitely be fine!)

I have one small tip, I'm sure you'll do everything everyone recommends to help them feel like proud big siblings, but don't act like it means anything if they reject that role at first, especially with the recent upheaval you mentioned - don't read into it like some people do. I loved my half siblings from the start but some kids are more resistant, I haven't seen any correlation between that and how they get along later. I can see how it would seem like a bad sign, I would probably take it as a bad sign, but it doesn't seem to actually be one.

lookingforaline18 Tue 13-Mar-18 13:08:05

DP is a worrier. He worry how the children will react, that they will feel replaced, that they will be jealous that this child will live with us all the time, that his ex will make things difficult etc.

Did he feel like this when his ex was pregnant with his second child? That his first child would feel replaced and jealous etc...

I bet he didn't.

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