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MIL overstepping boundaries

(144 Posts)
TheRebel Mon 12-Mar-18 16:30:46

Let me start by saying my MIL is a very nice, generous person and we get on well.

She constantly buys things for DD (12 months) which I feel are the parents place to purchase, the latest thing is a coat, it’s a cheap nasty one with a horrible pattern on and I hate it, because a coat will be worn every day I feel like I want some say in choosing it. Before the coat it was 3 big packs of Aldi nappies, except we don’t use Aldi nappies because they leak on DD. Before that it was about 10 cheap pram toys from B&M, before she was even born she’d bought all the spoons and bowls for weaning. I just want to be able to choose some things myself.

Every week she turns up with something, and it’s always from Morrison’s baby range, which I don’t like because it’s just not my style at all, or soft toys that DD doesn’t like (she won’t play with soft toys at all, she’s just not interested). I’ve tried asking her not to buy stuff because DD grows out of it before she can wear it, I’ve taken things back to the shop but they only let you exchange for other clothing, and as I don’t like it it just ends up going to the charity shop after 1 wear. She is well off, she’s deposited a lot of money into DDs bank account so it’s definitely not a matter of her buying what she can afford, I’d prefer her not to buy anything but it makes her happy.

My AIBU is that I feel like it would be a waste of money to go and buy her the coat I want as now she’s got a coat but should I just get what I want and give these items to the charity shop after I’ve taken a photo of DD in them.

DalekDalekDalek Mon 12-Mar-18 16:31:43

Just don't use them if you don't like them. It sounds like she is trying to be helpful.

gabsdot Mon 12-Mar-18 16:36:01

She's just being nice. Don't use the stuff you don't like and buy your baby a coat that you like.
It is a waste of money but it's not your money.

FaFoutis Mon 12-Mar-18 16:36:37

Go shopping with her.

TIRFandProud Mon 12-Mar-18 16:38:20

You sound like an ungrateful snob.

Oysterbabe Mon 12-Mar-18 16:39:53

Children can have more than one coat. DD usually only wears gifted items a couple of times if we don't really like them then they'll get given away.

DullAndOld Mon 12-Mar-18 16:40:19

'overstepping boundaries' really?
Honestly the poor woman just wants to get stuff for her Grandchild.
Why don't you ask if you can go shopping together?

Funkyslippers Mon 12-Mar-18 16:40:34

YANBU. There is nothing wrong with what you're saying, you are definitely not an ungrateful snob!

DuckBilledAardvark Mon 12-Mar-18 16:41:25

If I’m given stuff for mine that’s not my style i donate it to a local charity that helps families in crisis.

myusernamewastakenbyme Mon 12-Mar-18 16:56:14

God im dreading my sons getting married and having babies as it seems most mil's cant do right for doing wrong.

TheRebel Mon 12-Mar-18 16:57:43

I’ve never been ungrateful, I always thank her and send her a picture with the outfit on, it’s just that there is so much, usually 2 outfits every week so it feels like such a waste.
I’ve tried going shopping with her but she doesn’t like shopping as in high street shopping which is why she gets everything from Morrison’s with her weekly shop.
It does feel like she’s overstepping because this is the only child I’ll ever have, she knows that, and I want to choose some toys and clothes for her that are my own style but the volume of stuff she gives us there would never be any need to buy anything at all.

WomanInTheMirrorStaresAtMe Mon 12-Mar-18 16:57:49

When my first baby was born my mil bought loads of clothes from charity shops for DS. I was actually angry because I wanted only new for PFB and although graciously accepted and gave to another charity shop I realise I was not very polite to mil. Now on my 4th baby and realise what a prick I was. Mil was only trying to help and I was an ungrateful snob. (Not saying you are). But mil doesn't buy clothes for the kids nowadays and I don't blame her as I think I almost choked on the thank you first time round. I would love to apologise to her but I'm too embarrassed of how I acted (and she might not have realised how I felt as she is quite thick skinned! So dont want to bring it up in case) but I realise now that there are bigger issues and I needed to relax more.

HollyBayTree Mon 12-Mar-18 16:58:36

This baby of yours does its father have any say in anything his mother might send for the baby? Or doesnt he get a look in?

FranticallyPeaceful Mon 12-Mar-18 17:00:41

Currently pregnant and MIL is buying a large amount of things i know I won’t use or don’t like etc... but she’s trying to be nice! Certainly isn’t overstepping any boundaries. I have had a moan to OH about it during some moody pregnancy moments but I’m grateful she’s so excited and trying to be helpful.
Mostly I just want to buy the clothes myself etc, but now I’ve had a good moan about it I’ve realised I don’t really care and it’s quite lovely.

GreatDuckCookery Mon 12-Mar-18 17:01:32

Woah OP you sound really quite unkind and a bit of a snob.

Sounds like MILs heart is in the right place? You say she's a very nice and generous person so from what you've said it seems like she's trying to help you out here?

Charity shop the coat and buy your own and then tell her in the kindest way possible to not buy DD anything again. Not sure how that will go down though confused

FranticallyPeaceful Mon 12-Mar-18 17:01:37

And just eBay them, saves her feelings and you can then buy something you want?

Megatron Mon 12-Mar-18 17:02:31

Seriously, wind your neck in. Your MIL is your daughter's grandmother, whether you like it or not and is trying to help you and buy some little things for her granddaughter. If you don't like the things she buys then give them to the charity shop but please don't hurt your MIL's feelings; I hated just about every piece of clothing my MIL bought DD when she was tiny, but I thanked her and put DD in them a couple of times when she visited. No big deal. You sound an insufferable snob.

Your attitude stinks, at best and you should be ashamed of yourself.

ginnybag Mon 12-Mar-18 17:02:44

Could you redirect her attention to things you do need, and don't care about?

It sounds like she's getting carried away rather than anything else and as you keep using and sending pictures, she probably thinks you like them.

A way in might be to point out that, at a year, your DD isn't outgrowing clothes as fast anymore and so there are just too many. Ask her to keep an eye out for xxx or suggest socks and tights.

But you shouldn't feel you can't buy your own things. You can, and you should.

Megatron Mon 12-Mar-18 17:03:41

And how is buying things for her granddaughter 'overstepping boundaries' FFS? It's not like she took your baby and got her ears pierced. Have a word with yourself OP.

TheRebel Mon 12-Mar-18 17:04:10

Yes, my DH finds is as annoying as I do, he has returned things that she’s given us too (padded pram suit in June!), he tells her every time that she shouldn’t buy so much stuff but now she just brings more stuff and says I know I shouldn’t but I just had to buy this...

Megatron Mon 12-Mar-18 17:06:04

I know I shouldn’t but I just had to buy this...

What a cow she sounds eh?

IWouldLikeToKnow Mon 12-Mar-18 17:06:27

It's my mother and my mother in law buy things for my son that aren't to my taste. Especially my mother in law. She lives in a different country and we see her 4-5 times a year. When we visit or she comes to us, she has lots of gifts for him. I say thanks and mostly he doesn't wear them. She's kind and generous and I don't want to upset her.

My own mother sees him a few times a week and it always buying stuff. Yes, IMO it's a waste of money but she wants to buy him things so rather than upset her and come across as ungrateful I just let her get on with it.
In fact, a lot of the clothes that people buy for him are not to my taste but that's hardly their fault. It's not overstepping, it's being kind. I generally feel that I'm the awkward one not liking the gifts!!!

madeyemoodysmum Mon 12-Mar-18 17:06:47

Regarding the coat just have it as a spare and use when u see mil
Other stuff charity or eBay if you really can't use it.

ChaosNeverRains Mon 12-Mar-18 17:07:09

I was having a conversation with someone recently about the stuff I was adamant about when my PFB was a baby, like how SIL obviously wasn’t interested enough in him, and how my mum took over, and how I only wanted him in x outfit for y occasion and how only home-made food was good enough.

My pfb is a strapping teenager now and when I look back I cringe at some of the stuff I thought and was adamant I was right about. Because although my feelings were my feelings, the reality was that of course SIL wasn’t that interested in him, she didn’t have children of her own and he wasn’t her’s. And a packet wouldn’t have killed him any time (although to be fair I did have the time to make home made,)

It’s a coat. At the rate twelve month olds grow he’ll have outgrown it in a few weeks anyway and by then it’ll be summer and he won’t need one anyway.

All this talk of overstepping boundaries because of a coat and a pack of nappies is really embarrassing tbh.

Megatron Mon 12-Mar-18 17:08:20

All this talk of overstepping boundaries because of a coat and a pack of nappies is really embarrassing tbh.

Couldn't agree more.

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