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To wish my sister would back off

(125 Posts)
AnotherSliceOfToast Mon 12-Mar-18 13:16:11

I don't get on with my sister. We have different types of personalities and just aren't close. We always clashed when we were growing up. We weren't worse enemies but there is just no connection between us.

I am happy getting on with my life and meeting up occassionally. I have no desire to be meeting every week.

My sister constantly measages me over the last 5 or 6 years trying to meet up. She has plenty of close friends so it is not that she is lonely - but it seems she has decided that because we are sisters we must be best friends even if I'm constantly clearly indicating that this is not what I want. I'm sick of being put in the position of trying to think of lame excuses to decline - because it makes me seem like a horrible person when I'm actually just trying to get on with my life and do my own thing.

She tries to arrange to spend time with my children separately to me but I am not comfortable with this for two reasons -firstly, its that we just aren't close so weird sending my children off with someone I don't really like. And secondly, I find she doesn't really understand older children and is easily shocked by quite minor misbehavior and is too stern. My children are mostly very well behaved at home and school but aren't perfect - and I don't like the thought of them being alone with her and being disciplined by someone like that. She has a baby who is very placid and I think she feels this is purely a reflection of her superior parenting - whereas I feel that managing older DCs can actually be harder as they have their own opinions etc.

Because I usually decline to meet up, she has started texting my DH directly (by-passing me) to arrange meet ups with me or my children. DH doesn't commit to anything as he knows we are not close. Its just really annoying me and putting me off her even more. I was meeting her from time to time for coffee just to keep things happy but I don't feel like meeting her at all anymore because of this.

I don't feel I can directly say anything as she already comes across as the saintly one in my family - the one who is reaching out trying to be friends - and I am seen as terrible and cold for not being kind and accepting all her attempts.

GuestWW Mon 12-Mar-18 13:18:46

Do your children like her and want to spend time with her? It sounds like she is trying to stay in touch with her nephews/nieces and I think that is really nice.

Fishface77 Mon 12-Mar-18 13:18:52

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gingerscot Mon 12-Mar-18 13:20:36

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ivenoideawhatimdoing Mon 12-Mar-18 13:21:26

It’s a shame you aren’t close; but many siblings aren’t. At the end of the day she is still your sister but it is entirely up to you whether to spend time with her.

I’m assuming there’s a lot of back story because you are coming across as quite harsh in regard to your kids; she’s their aunt. She’s not some random neighbour! However, I’m not going to make assumptions about your relationship.

It seems like she’s desperately trying to form a relationship with you and you’re just not having any of it. Have you tried speaking to her about how you feel? Maybe she thinks you want to spend as much time together as she does.

MatildaTheCat Mon 12-Mar-18 13:27:13

She’s trying to establish a connection.

I hated my brothers when I was growing up. Really hated them. We are now very close and meet whenever we can and all the cousins have a good relationship.

Why don’t you just give it a try sometimes. Tell her than since things weren’t great in the past you need to take it slowly. Maybe meet in the park or for a pizza. Just refusing for years on end seems mean.

Unless there’s much more to It?

Isadora2007 Mon 12-Mar-18 13:28:49

YABU.

IdblowJonSnow Mon 12-Mar-18 13:29:23

Hi op. I don't think you sound horrible, I'm in the same situation but the other way round! I don't hound my sister as have got the msg but makes me feel a bit sad occasionally. She's a cold fish and when we do meet it's not v satisfying as we don't really connect. If you'll be the bad guy in having a conversation with her then you'll have to keep fobbing her off i guess? Get your husband to say "you'll have to check with toast" and then not respond after that. She sound passive aggressive as she must realise you don't want to see her much? Good luck!

FluffyWuffy100 Mon 12-Mar-18 13:31:24

Is there a back story?

You sound really harsh! I think it’s nice she is trying to have a relationship with your children and keep a family connection.

As long as she doesn’t treat you or your children badly, why wouldn’t you want their aunt in their life?

superlibrarian Mon 12-Mar-18 13:33:45

Is there some sort of backstop here? Because it sounds like she just wants to stay in touch and have a relationships with her nephews / nieces, none of which seems strange at all. You sound... touchy

MistyMinge Mon 12-Mar-18 13:34:04

Even if yoy

PasDeDeux Mon 12-Mar-18 13:37:15

You are the problem, not your sister.

NSEA Mon 12-Mar-18 13:37:53

I would feel so sad if you were my sister.

I think family is something to cherish and you sound so mean. You obviously don’t like her but gosh you don’t have to be so harsh about it.

BerylStreep Mon 12-Mar-18 13:38:32

Perhaps you could try to control the frequency of the contact. So after meeting for coffee, you could say, 'that was great - do you want to pencil in an afternoon in May?'

It sets your expectations around frequency clearly.

And I think people in families are very often assigned different roles, so the posters saying you sound harsh perhaps haven't experienced the golden child / scapegoat differential.

nobutreally Mon 12-Mar-18 13:40:03

From what you've said, it's hard to know OP, but I can understand your start point, OP: one of my siblings I struggle with and if he suddenly tried to be uber-mate-y I'd struggle - and like your sister, I think their expectations of my dcs might be off purely because they don't spend much time around children of their age. But tbh it DOES sound like she's trying to be friendly - and people do change with age sometimes - it sounds like the issue is really more from your side at the mo. I would also say my kids get an enormous satisfaction from their little cousins - it's a shame not to facilitate that lovely relationship for them. Could you organise a meeting every 2-3 months in a neutral space to just see how things go? Maybe meet at a suitable attraction, or at a NT with nice grounds for a runaround and tea? It sounds at the moment like you are a shut door and she's just pushing and pushing - maybe an occasional meet up would help her understand your dc more, and help the two of you have more of a connection.

wildduckhunt Mon 12-Mar-18 13:40:06

Sounds a bit harsh to me. Maybe she wants her baby to have a close relationship with their cousins?

ReanimatedSGB Mon 12-Mar-18 13:42:43

FFS YANBU at all. You don't have to spend time with someone you don't like much even if you are related to them. And the fact that she is constantly pushing must be really off-putting - anyone who keeps on and on trying to make you spend time with them is either thoroughly dense or their aim is to harass you rather than actually spend time with you - the fact that she is asking your husband to let her see your DC against your wishes suggests her intentions are the opposite of trying to build a better relationship with her.

Creambun2 Mon 12-Mar-18 13:42:57

You sound awful op.

TheGruffalosArse Mon 12-Mar-18 13:43:15

YABU. I feel sorry for your sister.

Trinity66 Mon 12-Mar-18 13:44:45

Your poor sister sad

Cuppaoftea Mon 12-Mar-18 13:45:07

YANBU. She's out of order bypassing you and contacting your DH. Who does she think she is attempting to meddle in your marriage by trying to get him to undermine the decision you've made about frequency of contact.

I'd suggest a joint message from you both saying to contact you on your phone about meetups in the future. That's what me and DH did when a family member tried similar. Then continue to decline or accept as you see fit.

DonutCone Mon 12-Mar-18 13:46:10

Haha this has to be a joke?

She doesn't want to live with you, but you are determined to totally cut her out of your life for no apparent reason.

RadioGaGoo Mon 12-Mar-18 13:47:14

Probably best for your sister that she doesnt have any contact with you in the future. Sounds like she won't be losing anything.

Kittypillar Mon 12-Mar-18 13:47:46

Reading this has made me feel gutted for your sister. She probably just wants to improve the relationship with you and for your kids to be close to each other. There might be some back story here you aren't divulging and I know some siblings just don't get on but I find your attitude horrendously depressing tbh.

WhyBeDennyDifferent Mon 12-Mar-18 13:48:03

Your sister deserves some honesty from you.

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