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Is it fair to have another dc with someone else

(295 Posts)
miniaga Mon 12-Mar-18 10:30:59

Was talking to a friend recently. We are both lone parents and I am stopping at one due to my age and not really wanting any more, whereas she says that ideally although she would have liked more, if she meets a new partner, she doesn’t think it would be fair to the existing child that the father of the later child would love it more.

I suppose even the closest step relationship wouldn’t have the love you have for your own child, but I’ve never thought about it much, and certainly not to the extent of basing whether or not I’d have another child on it.

As I said, it’s irrelevant to me personally anyway but just wondered what other people think?

usernameisnotavailable Mon 12-Mar-18 10:32:29

Absolutely rubbish, step parents can and do love their step children as much as biological children

Aprilmightmemynewname Mon 12-Mar-18 10:33:45

My dh loves my dc as much as our ds. Your friend is odd in her thinking.

miniaga Mon 12-Mar-18 10:34:36

Ok, that’s fair enough. My step parents made it clear that they didn’t love us as much, I suppose I felt like that was normal.

usernameisnotavailable Mon 12-Mar-18 10:36:13

Thought you said it was irrelevant to you personally? That's a shame it was like that for you but it's not always the case.

miniaga Mon 12-Mar-18 10:37:07

Well it’s irrelevant because I’m not having any more children and don’t have to make that decision, just wondered what other people thought

Queenofthestress Mon 12-Mar-18 10:43:47

My dp is neither of my kids father, but he loves them just as much as if they were his own

kerryweaverscrutch Mon 12-Mar-18 10:46:04

Absolutely rubbish, step parents can and do love their step children as much as biological children

Of course its not rubbish, if that is how the person feels. Very few step parents love their step children as much and in the same way as their own children, and that's perfectly fine and normal.

I would not have further children if my relationship broke down. That's my choice.

Thatsnotmybody Mon 12-Mar-18 10:48:46

I think it's wise to be aware of this issue.... Not all step parents love all their children equally, so it wouldn't be a good idea to blindly assume they do.

FluffyWuffy100 Mon 12-Mar-18 10:49:53

Absolutely rubbish, step parents can and do love their step children as much as biological children

Of course they can and do. But it is disengenous to say that that is simple toy the norm.

Plenty of step parents of course do not feel the same way about their step children. Especially if they still have a vet involved other parent.

That doesn’t mean they treat them unfairly or unkindly.

miniaga Mon 12-Mar-18 10:51:10

I’m interested how people can be so sure their dp loves their stepchildren as much as their own children? I mean they can say it, and act like it (which you could argue is just as good) but you can’t actually know how someone else feels

NaughtToThreeSadOnions Mon 12-Mar-18 10:52:51

I kind of understand your view Op, about step parents, because the rather dominating figure in my life waa my step mother, who absolutely did not love me and my brother as much as her own children. Although to be honest she just wasnt a very child friendly person, her own kids lived with their father, so her and my dad had 12 days in every 14 just being them and then 4 children would arrive. Whilst her children were totally accepted in to my fathers family me and my brother were excluded from her side of the family completely.

But it very much depends on the adult, my step father on the other hand was the one that brought our school uniform, put food on the table, taught me to ride a bike, and in adult life moved my flat, spends time with me.

Interestingly it him thats the father of mh half siblings, so much closer to them growing up because there was never ever any difference made between us, there waa no favoritim no your not my child DHS/DHD is ..

My god child parents have also divorced and father re married, she and her siblings afore their step mom, indeed the step mom has done everything to make them and their mother feel comfortable. They now have a little half brother my god daughter resently said last year was the best year of her life because because the half brother was born and she loves him.

Its down to the parent and how they interact with the step child and having a half sibling doesnt detract anything.

MyKingdomForBrie Mon 12-Mar-18 10:53:10

I think it’s amazing if you can and do love your dsdc as much as your dc - I just don’t have the same amazing primal feelings about my dss. I love him, he’s great, I would never treat him differently, but it is different. We only have him eow and I’ve only known him for two years. I don’t think he would expect me to feel the same about him to be honest, he has a mum and dad and a step mum and step dad and he knows the difference. He calls me every day though so I don’t think he minds!

Birdsgottafly Mon 12-Mar-18 10:53:47

I think that she's broody and looking for Tue positives of only having one and the negatives of having another.

In reality she doesn't know what she will decide once in a relationship.

How well blended families work depends on a number of factors and they don't always work well for the children and there can be a lot of unfairness. It isn't just the stepparent but their Family as well.

HollyBayTree Mon 12-Mar-18 10:54:07

step parents can and do love their step children as much as biological children

Well, if the house was on fire and there was a choice to be made, people will make the choice to save their own flesh and blood first.

JeNeBaguetteRien Mon 12-Mar-18 10:55:38

Some step parents love their step children a lot, but not equal to their own children, some love them equally.
For me loving a child is not just down to biology but people can't make abstract promises that they will love a step child as much as their own child.

I think there is a problem with people having further children quite soon after getting together with a new partner so the partner hasn't enough time to really bond with existing children before their biological child comes along.

Peanutbuttercheese Mon 12-Mar-18 10:56:05

I know by my treatment that my stepfather didn't love me anywhere near as much as my sister, his only genetic child.

I'm sure some do love their stepchildren just as much. I think it's down to each family.

I think people would feel as if they know due to treatment of all dc being the same.

miniaga Mon 12-Mar-18 10:58:22

Well I think if you’re a decent person you’d treat all the dc the same, but you wouldn’t be able to help it if you loved your own more. So that’s how I’m wondering how people can be so sure their partner loves their step children just as much

SundaySalon Mon 12-Mar-18 11:00:17

My sister met her DH when she was 6 months pregnant, she has another two DC with him. He treats my niece differently to his own DC, he doesn’t discipline her. When my DSis points it out he says he can’t help it it’s not something he’s doing on purpose. He does love her though, you can see he adores her but maybe in a different way to his own.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions Mon 12-Mar-18 11:04:52

How do you know how the step parent feels?

Well in my experence its actions, my step dad would fight mine and my brothers corner no matter what. Indeed yesterday we were talking about my brother, and my stepdad saod something so understated it absolutely showed how much he felt for my brother and i. I over heard him on the phone saying my daughters (he only has one natural daughter my sister).

Its not always been easy, mainly cos my step mother is well not a very nice person, there must have been times my step dad wanted to say fine you have custody of them and walk away but he never would. He took us on, treated us exactly as he would his own kids. Which given he didnt have his own kids at the time is ironic given the step parent that did have kids exciled us from her family.

ChaosNeverRains Mon 12-Mar-18 11:05:09

No, personally I don’t think that it’s fair to have further children, and not just because of the step parent love issue. But because the relationships are automatically going to be different, one child will live with the parent full-time and the other will live there some of the time, perhaps only every other weekend for instance, and by definition the relationship between parents, between half siblings who only go to the parent’s on a schedule and then half siblings who live under the same roof full-time.

You end up with situations where you have part time siblings and full time siblings and that is invariably going to cause resentment.

But as always in blended families it seems that what the adults want always takes precedence over what is best for the children.

Bananabed Mon 12-Mar-18 11:12:40

Obviously you never really know until you're in the situation but I really don't think I would go on to have further children if me and dh split.

You only have to read the threads on the step parenting board to see how complicated it can be and how many issues there are.

I'm sure in some cases it works out fine but the bottom line is nobody will love a child as much as their parents. My dh is a brilliant dad and I have no doubt if we split he would continue to be, I therefore wouldn't want to risk the later dc having a worse dad.

upsideup Mon 12-Mar-18 11:20:21

You only have to look at the step parenting topic on mumsnet to see that no way do the majority of step parents love their step children the same or as much as their own. I have a dsd from a previous relationship and from before I had my own children, shes not my child, shes not even in any legal sense actually my step child but I love and care for her immensely but that love isnt the same as the love I have for my own DC, I wouldnt say its neccesarily less but its definately a lot different. If my marriage broke down, I would not have more children with someone else, I would not take that risk.

JE17 Mon 12-Mar-18 11:22:05

My DSM showed me in some many ways how much she cared less for me than her own DC. Me and my DSis were never included on a family holiday again with DF after her own DC were born. Numerous photos of own DC around the house, tiny one of me and DSis tucked away in back room. Wording on birthday cards so much more loving and extravagant for her own DC - that really hurt.
Makes me respect DF much less for allowing it to be like that too. Fair enough if the feelings are different, but as the grown up you should be able to hide it.

Oooeeeerrrrrindeed Mon 12-Mar-18 11:28:22

I get her point. Unfortunately in my family there is an example of a step mother who gives no love or respect to ger husband's first son. Generally she's a big disappointment to my family. Amusingly she also has an attitude where she considers herself quite superior to most members of our family.
BUT i am also married to a shining example of a step parent. He is very much there for his two step daughters and his son. He was brought up with a step dad and a step mum came along as a teen. There's so much willingness to "take on" others as he has adopted siblings and steps and halves.
To reassure her, there are giving, loving people out there.

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