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To not understand friendship?

(248 Posts)
VioletteValentia Sun 11-Mar-18 19:01:11

This is hard to explain. I don’t understand friendships.

I have friends. We meet once every few weeks in the pub for a few drinks, have a laugh and that’s it. I have great fun, we enjoy ourselves.

In between, I rarely talk to them. I don’t do daily conversations or even weekly, and I don’t do small talk at all.

The way other people conduct friendships baffles me. Visits to each other’s houses, knowledge about friends relationships (I have no idea, other than my couple friends, if my friends are dating anyone), gossip. I also don’t get girls/lads nights out, and this camerarderie that everyone has. I get all my needs met from my partner - what need do I have for this socialising? To me, it’s a lot of time money and energy for very little reward.

I mainly prefer hanging out with people if there’s an organised activity, like a game night or cards. Unorganised, aimless socialising seems pointless and boring to me.

DP thinks I’m a right weirdo grin he’s a lot friendlier than me.

Anyone else feel this way?

Aquamarine1029 Sun 11-Mar-18 19:05:53

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. I'm the same way and always have been.

VioletteValentia Sun 11-Mar-18 19:08:16

Glad it’s not just me. I often feel like I’m “strange” because of it.

I don’t do baby groups, parent clubs or ante natal classes either. I do sometimes worry if the dc will miss out because I’m not in a mum clique but dc is as antisocial as I am luckily.

ShirleyPhallus Sun 11-Mar-18 19:08:29

I personally love having friends and think it’s a bit sad when people don’t - to me, it seems such a shame to miss out on having those close relationships

On MN you’ll find loads of people that don’t like / don’t have friends though

GinUnicorn Sun 11-Mar-18 19:10:45

I love having lots of friends as am extroverted. Dp feels much the same as you do so I think it's really whatever suits. If you are happy that's the only thing that matters x

VioletteValentia Sun 11-Mar-18 19:11:56

Shirley what do you get from it? What’s the point? I can’t fathom the purpose for small talk, chit chat and platitudes. Other than certain people, like my partner, who I also do other things with.

These are genuine questions. I’ve quizzed DP over this and I still don’t get it!

VioletteValentia Sun 11-Mar-18 19:12:48

Possibly I’m just a regular introvert, it just feels like everyone is doing friendships the other way.

BobbinThreadbare123 Sun 11-Mar-18 19:12:55

This is me. But I have autism.

phoenix1973 Sun 11-Mar-18 19:13:01

Same here. I accept this is how I am, I'm not likely to change so I just get on with life.
I wouldn't mind someone to go to the cinema with though.

OnlyFoolsnMothers Sun 11-Mar-18 19:13:37

I THink there are people for whom friends are part of their lives and others who meet friends just to catch up on their lives.
Clearly you are the latter, which is fine however I do wonder what would you do if anything were to happen to your partner and you.

VioletteValentia Sun 11-Mar-18 19:14:10

I wouldn't mind someone to go to the cinema with though.

A cinema buddy would be cool. Someone you can just text, go see a movie and discuss it afterwards with.

Maybe I should set up an agency.

VioletteValentia Sun 11-Mar-18 19:14:55

When I’ve been single, I tend to hang around art galleries and book stores, and go to events they have on.

TryptoFan Sun 11-Mar-18 19:16:02

I'm an introvert and having friends is so important to me, even when in a relationship. I wouldn't like to depend on my partner/husband for emotional support all the time.

VanGoghsLeftEar Sun 11-Mar-18 19:16:56

I am a terrible friend. I don't have many and I rarely go and see them. I am very wrapped up in myself, an introvert, with a smattering of social anxiety. I text my oldest friend but rarely see her as she lives 75 miles away.

Butterfly1975 Sun 11-Mar-18 19:19:19

I'm with you OP! I don't have any close female friends and am much happier in a group. I'm also really close to my DP so don't feel the need to share emotional stuff.

I genuinely don't know if we are missing out on something more meaningful though!

AnaisB Sun 11-Mar-18 19:19:27

I love spending time with friends. I like the shared experience, sense of being a community, closeness with multiple people, support. Each to their own though! - I don’t think you’re weird.

I’m very happy going to the cinema on my own though.

LoveSchoolHolidays Sun 11-Mar-18 19:19:50

It’s a difficult one. I have friends that I socialise with, very much like yours. We attend organised events such as quiz nights or birthdays. I enjoy their company and spending time with them but we don’t have any ‘meaningful’ connections.
I do, however, have 3 very close girlfriends that are like sisters to me. We can go weeks without communicating or sometimes we talk daily. But we know about all significant things going on in each other’s lives and they are wonderful ‘sounding boards’ and useful ‘measuring sticks’ for advice and direction in my life. I live in London with no family close by and we have been their for each other through births, deaths, marriages and breakups. I think I would go insane without them.

If you have happiness and a content life without friends, then you are very lucky. I couldn’t live without mine

caroldecker Sun 11-Mar-18 19:20:17

Other than certain people, like my partner, Same thing as you get from your partner. Only more of it.

zeeboo Sun 11-Mar-18 19:23:15

I don't talk to my friends in small talk or platitudes. I think you have totally misunderstood that part of it. I talk to my friends about things that matter to me, my children and worries about them, my worries about health or the political situation in the world. We share things we've read or things that make us laugh. With some friends we discuss the faith we share.
The point is support. We feel better when we share worries or ask for advice or just laugh together. My core friend group has a messenger group chat and it lurches from funny gifs and YouTube videos to hideous racist Daily Mail articles we can roll our eyes at, we share petitions we think the others might be interested in. We chat about what's happening in our evening and how we can't wait to meet for coffee after the school run.
We skill share, I'm teaching a friend to knit and she sends me progress photos for me to see and cheer her on. A friend of mine is training to do a complicated and emotional job and we go over her interviews and training sessions with her so she can think about it more calmly afterwards.

FissionChips Sun 11-Mar-18 19:23:51

You don’t sound odd. I have an online friendship, we still get to watch a film or tv show together in a way, we just communicate via chat app whilst individually watching the film.
If you’re happy then that’s all that matters.

DenPerry Sun 11-Mar-18 19:25:35

Your way is perfect for me. I get everything from my partner, he is my best mate! I prefer to keep other people at arms length. I am friendly, helpful and share laughs with people I come across in day to day life (school run for example) but I don't want any more involvement than a brief chat every now and then. I don't want to know the ins and outs of peoples lives or be relied on or let down. You going down the pub is more than I do! We are all different.

LoveSchoolHolidays Sun 11-Mar-18 19:25:36

* to answer your question OP, I have known my friends for 29 years and I can trust them to be honest with me! That’s it! If I’m being unreasonable or stupid or just need a shoulder to cry on, I can guarantee that one of them will be there. I feel blessed to have them

VioletteValentia Sun 11-Mar-18 19:32:38

I get everything from my partner, he is my best mate! I prefer to keep other people at arms length.

That’s exactly it. As someone else said, I wonder if I’m missing something but whenever I try it’s not for me.

The closest I have to “friends” are online friends I suppose. Online friendships are much easier.

Thatsnotmybody Sun 11-Mar-18 19:32:53

I suppose its like some people massively loving sports, going to all the games, etc... I don't get why anyone would want to do that but I know people do. They might think I'm weird not to be remotely interested, but I'm fine as I am. If you're fine with the friendships you have, don't worry what other people like to do.

HarryDresdensLeatherDuster Sun 11-Mar-18 19:32:56

I genuinely love my friends' company! They make me laugh, they challenge my views, they make me feel loved. I can sit and chat with them for hours, or just sit in silence if that's how we feel. Real friendship goes way beyond small talk and platitudes. Platoninc friendships can be as deep and lasting as a relationship between life long partners.

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