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He should have accepted this apology?

(117 Posts)
DextroDependant Sat 10-Mar-18 21:09:57

My son is 12 and has today been rude to my dp twice.

The first time he was coming out of a stubborn hypo (he has T1 Diabetes) just before his dinner, he had put his insulin down and couldn't remember where so we were all looking for it. My son lolled down on the sofa and DP said you won't find it lying there.
My son said shut up.
Yes DS shouldn't tell him to shut up but having a bad hypo makes him feel shit and it does affect his attitude. He can't help that it is his illness.

The second time he was asleep and I had made pancakes, I made him one not realising he was asleep so asked DP to shout him.
He shouted him a couple of times and DS shouted back what, DP said to come down and so DS came down and snapped what do you want.
When he came into the kitchen to get his food I told him he shouldn't snap at people and not to be rude.
He then went back and apologised to DP for snapping at him.

DP just completely ignored him.

I said if he wants to cause tension he can go home. He is the adult and whilst DS was out of order I have had a word and he apologised.

So AIBU or should he have accepted the apology?

Northernparent68 Sat 10-Mar-18 21:23:53

Seriously ? You allow your son to be so disrespectful at 12, what go you imagine, he’ll be like as a teenager ? Your partner is sick of the attitude as I would be and you probably would be in his position.

DextroDependant Sat 10-Mar-18 21:26:20

I didn't allow him to be disrespectful, I told him off and he apologised.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand Sat 10-Mar-18 21:30:18

With the pancake incident - maybe your dp said nothing because he was biting his tongue and that's an adult thing to do?

With the first incident, I think I'd have to be there to judge as the tone of voice from both isn't clear. Unless your dp was very nasty in tone, your son owes him an apology even if it was once he'd recovered. Your dp was trying to help him find the insulin so didn't deserve even a jokey "shut up"

Whenyouseeit Sat 10-Mar-18 21:31:05

My mum when her blood sugar is high is belligerent & rude - nothing like her normal self. I think it was unkind of your dp to carp at ds for lying on the sofa when ill - and you dont teach manners by ignoring an apology. YANBU

LimonViola Sat 10-Mar-18 21:31:10

Wtf? All the way until the end you seemed reasonable until you just turned on your DP.

It doesn't sound like the apology was one that came from DS, it was off the back of you telling him off. So not exactly heartfelt.

You're at risk of teaching your son that an apology is a two way street that's only worth something if it's immediately accepted when that's not what it's about. It's about saying and actually being sorry for what you did and respecting the other persons right to either accept or still be too upset/annoyed to do so. This may seem a minor incident but they all go towards teaching him how to relate to others.

Your son sounds like he's been very rude and I wouldn't blame your DP for getting out of there for a bit. Son doesn't have to like DP but he does have to be polite like he would with anybody and to respect him as another person.

I'd be having words with son about how he acted to see if there's a deeper reason and let him know you expect it not to happen again. And apologising to your partner.

missiondecision Sat 10-Mar-18 21:31:27

Do they normally get along ok??
Depends really, being unwell is shitty I can’t imagine how awful your son must have felt so it could be they reason for rudeness, or not? What do you think?

LimonViola Sat 10-Mar-18 21:33:21

PS being shitty because of a health issue doesn't mean you get carte blanche to be rude and then move on without making amends. You apologise for how you treated the person and explain it was due to your health if that's true. Nobody has to take rude behaviour without an apology or explanation just because the other person might be being affected by a health issue.

littletinyme1 Sat 10-Mar-18 21:34:39

Hypos are shit. Partners needs to understand that people can become stroppy and unreasonable when their blood sugar is low. Be really firm with partner, - he should leave him alone and not provoke him in these circumstances. Sometimes grumpiness is the first sign.
You need to look out for your lad here especially as you seem to have two kids in the house!

missyB1 Sat 10-Mar-18 21:37:11

I’m a little confused, was his blood sugar high or low? If it was a hypo he wouldn’t need insulin would he? Be careful not to let him use his diabetes as an excuse for rudeness.

LimonViola Sat 10-Mar-18 21:37:35

I can get arsey when I'm in agony and my partner is trying to hug me or kiss me or play fight with me and he doesn't realise how severe it is, and snap. I say sorry and explain why. I'm not saying a twelve year old should automatically know to do that but as his mum it's your job to teach him how to treat people respectfully.

DextroDependant Sat 10-Mar-18 21:38:17

@Jamie, the first instance DP was sharp with DS which would be understandable if he didn't know full well the effects of his hypo.

It's not a case of them not getting along, they are usually OK, just happens that today DS has had a bad day and been snappy. Obviously the second incidence was not on and it was dealt with. I just don't see the point of dragging it on. Not even acknowledging that he had been spoken to was also rude and as the adult he Should lead by example.

DextroDependant Sat 10-Mar-18 21:41:21

@MissyB1 he was hypo whilst I was cooling dinner. He needed to treat it with dextrose twice before it came up.
15 mins after treatment with fast acting carbs, slow release carbs must be given to prevent sugar levels plummeting again.
As it was dinner time his dinner served as slow release carbs but as it was a meals worth and not just 15g he still has to have insulin as normal.
His glucose meter adjust the ratio accordingly.

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 10-Mar-18 21:42:24

How on earth is your DP the one causing tension by not saying anything?

Would you be okay with your 12 year old telling a teacher to shut up?


Bambamber Sat 10-Mar-18 21:44:44

Sounds like everyone is being a little unreasonable. Your son for being rude in the first place (although being rude when his sugars are off is kind of understandable). Your DP for just ignoring him, that's being childish and accomplishes nothing. Then you sounded like you was being a bit OTT with your reaction. Perhaps you should all apologise to each other, wipe the slate clean and go to sleep on better terms, ready for a better day tomorrow

DextroDependant Sat 10-Mar-18 21:47:52

Perhaps I am overly defensive of DS I can accept that.

However if I apologised to someone and they didn't even acknowledge I had spoken I would think they could shove my apology up their backside. Obviously where DS gets his rudeness from.

I Dont think you teach children good manners by being rude to them though and I do think if a child apologises you accept it and move on. He was a bit snappy, he didn't crap in his shoe.

teaandtoast Sat 10-Mar-18 21:49:05

Does he like your dp? It could be an easy way to be rude - does he apologise afterwards for his attitude?

lalalalyra Sat 10-Mar-18 21:49:18

I don't think apologies always have to be instantly accepted, or at least it doesn't instantly cure things. That sometimes gives a sense that being rude is ok as long as you say sorry.

That said it doesn't sound at all like your DP understands the effects of a hypo on your son at all.

Your DS should be apologising for being rude during his hypos though. My DD is foul during an episode of her health (not diabetes), but even though she can't help it she always apologises after. Even though we all instantly say that it's ok that apology does help ensure there's no resentment in any way.

DextroDependant Sat 10-Mar-18 21:49:36

@Bambamber you are probably right. I most definitely did over react by telling him he could go home. DS wasn't in the room them so at least he didn't hear me.

I should probably apologise for that.

lalalalyra Sat 10-Mar-18 21:50:30

Also, totally ignoring someone speaking to you is just as rude as snapping at them so your DP is being incredibly childish.

Petalflowers Sat 10-Mar-18 21:51:39

Dp should have accepted the apology.

With the first incidence, ds was poorly Andre should have understood that he wasn't himself.

With the second, he was rude but then apologised. Dp should have accepted this. Your ds's parent, and told him off, and consequently ds apologised. Dp should have accepted this.

Goldensunnydays81 Sat 10-Mar-18 21:51:54

I feel quite rubbish when I am having/ had a hypo! A bit grumpy and I wouldn’t be able to get up and be doing stuff straight away! Can take me1/2 hour to feel ok again I
Would probably be lolling on the sofa for a bit after. So I can understand your son for that bit, maybe just allow him to have a bit of recovery time after but tell him that you do expect him not to be rude about it!
When was the pancake situation today after dinner? Or was that another day?
How long has he had diabetes for? Could he be taking his anger out about having it on you dp?

jaimelannistersgoldenhand Sat 10-Mar-18 21:52:04

How well does your dp know your son?
I have a similar aged kid (no diabetes) and I can imagine him lolling on the sofa whilst everyone else was looking for something he'd lost. He'd be doing it because he's a massive daydreamer and pretty scatty rather than because he's disrespectful but nonetheless it would be annoying. Did your p realise that your son would have been feeling crap at that moment? Does your son regularly lose his insulin? My son is getting better but he's far more forgetful than his siblings at the same age which is frustrating.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand Sat 10-Mar-18 21:53:51

Do you think that your son would have apologized if not made to do so? I wouldn't expect a 12 year old to always get it right but when he saw the pancakes, he should have been embarrassed about his tone and apologized off his own back really.

Auspiciouspanda Sat 10-Mar-18 21:54:36

Whilst your sons reactions aren’t great I do feel a little sorry for him. He was sick from his illness and needed assistance he got a sarcy comment. Whilst he was asleep he got shouted at. When he shouted back what he just got told to come downstairs - if your partner just said come down for some breakfast I bet the situation would have been different.

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