Re: wedding invite

[CatsAreHarderThanKids]

I have received a wedding invite - well, a save the date, wedding is next year - from a family member. It is addressed to me and my 2 DCs (I am a single parent).

Wedding is UK but involves several hours travel and a full weekend stay at a cost to guests of £275 per room. I have no problem paying this as I'm sure it will be lovely. Obviously there will be cost of actual travel, outfits, gift, drinks etc on top. Again, no issue paying.

However the wedding is on a weekend the children are scheduled to be with their dad. I am loath to request a reschedule as things are VERY difficult between us (I have had to involve the police re threatening behaviour and have an appt with DV support service). Additionally the kids don't know this family member too well as they moved away when they were small. They (and I) also won't know anyone else there. I will know the B&G and family members mum. I'm not sure if my sister/BIL/infant DN have been invited but if they go obviously we'll know them.

WIBu to contact B&G to say I'm not able to bring the kids but don't really want to attend alone (and pay £275 fir just me) and ask if my DP could come in place of the kids? We don't live together but have been together 18 months, B&G haven't met him as they've not seen me in that time. Given that it would be a reduction in numbers from me and 2 kids to just be and DP, and we would be paying for our room, is this reasonable or am I being a CF?

[SmiledWithTheRisingSun]

I wouldn't mind if I was the host.
But are you happy to leave kids with Mr DV?

[blastomama]

I think its fine to ask as long as you are very clear that a no is perfectly fine.

[LeighaJ]

I don't see the problem with asking although they may say no because while presumably the kids wouldn't have been drinking the cost of another adult drinking might put them off.

[blastomama]

But are you happy to leave kids with Mr DV? hmm

women often get no choice at all about leaving their children with an abusive co parent, so please keep your to yourself.

[CoffeenoTea]

I think the request will be gladly taken by the bride. if i was the bride i would say yes thats fine. defo ask i don't think its cheeky.

[Mousewatch]

Smiled, what a stupid thing to say. If there's a court order or whatever then she has to stick to it. Asking if she's happy is bloody nasty!

[CatsAreHarderThanKids]

Smiled I have no choice, contact is court ordered, they are with him about 40% of the time. He is fine with the kids, as long as contact between he and I is kept minimal to non existent.

A no would be absolutely fine and obviously I would stress that.

[LizB62A]

If it was me, I wouldn't do anything yet as it's a year away and anything could happen in that time re: your ex changing weekends etc.

[DalekDalekDalek]

Sounds reasonable. It is one person less in numbers and I think one adult would still eat less than two children. I would definitely ask. Just say:

"Looking forward to the wedding but DCs are with XH that weekend, Would you mind if I bring DP instead? No worries if not."

[CatsAreHarderThanKids]

I would prefer to wait Liz but they're asking for confirmation by April. I suppose I could just say yes and deal with the who is actually coning nearer the time.

[Bosabosa]

I think the response of pp is perfect-just ask, it isn’t cheeky at all

[SmiledWithTheRisingSun]

Apologies if I caused you any offence OP. Was not intentional.
I was just wondering since you felt it necessary to mention the dv aspect.
It sounds like it will be a nice opportunity for you and your new partner to have a night away if the B&G are ok to have another guest.
Kids might not drink but they still take up seats at a table & eat food don't they?

[Lentilbaby]

We had a similar request from a guest and were more than happy about it.

[Tiredmum100]

I asked my friend if I could bring my new partner (now dh) to her wedding as she had previously invited myself and my ex. She said no. Just be prepared they may not want someone they don't there. Maybe you could arrange a get together with them first so they can meet your partner then ask at a later date?

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

I’m sure they’ll understand, I’d explain now in my rsvp.

At the moment it is just an informal save the date invitation, so an informal discussion would be fine.

[CatsAreHarderThanKids]

No offence at all Smiled, I only mentioned it to explain why it's not really possible to ask him to swap weekends, it would just cause drama I don't have the energy for, because that's what XH is like!

[sonyaya]

Surprising that they want a yes or no in april for next year.

Anyway, my view is that you can’t really sub one wedding guest for another. They didn’t invite your DP, maybe because they don’t know him. From recollection an adult place is almost always more than twice the cost of a child once drink is factored in.

If you’re close by all means ask. If you’re not that close then I would just decline, or find out if your SIL is going. I would find it difficult/awkward to say no to this request even if I wasn’t happy about it (we did invite everyone’s partners but if someone had said can I bring someone other than my partner who you don’t know I would have thought it cheeky).

[sonyaya]

I don’t mean that harshly to you OP, you sound lovely

[SmiledWithTheRisingSun]

Sounds incredibly stressful
OP.
Glad you hear you've found someone nicer

[CatsAreHarderThanKids]

Sonyaya that's why I'm worried, I'm not sure how intimate the wedding is. I don't know if they know I'm in a new-ish relationship as since family member moved our contact is mainly via FB and I don't post about him on there as he doesn't use it an is quite private. Maybe if they'd known they might have invited him, I'm not sure. We were very close when younger but since they moved several hours away for work we don't get the chance to get together as much.

I would like to go as I am very fond of them and really like their spouse-to-be who is wonderful. My sis and I have spoken, BIL cannot attend but she is considering taking their baby. If B&G aren't happy with DP attending the alternative is to travel with sis and DN and share a room to reduce costs. So I may tell them that if I decide to ask, to demonstrate that I really am ok if they aren't comfortable with DP coming.

[ittakes2]

Explain the situation to one of their family members, like the mother of the bride, and ask them if they think the bride and groom would mind. They would be in a better situation to assess whether there was a reason your partner was not invited. As you said, they might not know about the extent of your relationship. To be honest though, I would be surprised if they would mind. Maybe there is a greater cost, but surely not enough to warrant a partner not coming with you.

[CatsAreHarderThanKids]

Just wanted to update this to say I talked with the B&G, they are very happy for DP to come along and said if they'd known I was in a relationship they'd have invited me and the kids AND a +1. Bless them. So if things ease with the kids Dad potentially we could all go, but either way I will be attending with DP and I'm really looking forward to it now. Thanks for all your input.