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To find this enormous chip of dh's shoulder hard to manage.

(88 Posts)
TiffanyDoggett Fri 09-Mar-18 14:59:19

Case one: he was looking through a local FB site and read aloud a request posted, regarding some land to rent for their daughters horse. He scoffed and said "it's ridiculous isn't it?". I knew what was coming. He wanted me to agree that it was ridiculous that some people have the money for expensive hobbies. And that it somehow made them snobbish or arrogant.

Case 2: whenever we talk about our childhoods and I might mention a favourite food that was branded (as in I loved Solero ice creams, not exactly finest grade cavier) he will always counter that with a tale of how each sibling would be allowed half a choc ice or similar and that I have no idea how privileged I was.

Case 3: he looks down on friends of my family simply because 'they're posh' and says of my family that we're ok because we're exceptions to the rule. After meeting people he will mock their accents with me in private.

We come from quite different backgrounds financially and I do appreciate he had very little in the way of financial stability growing up whereas I was fortunate to never witness money 'as an issue' growing up. Both of us are from hard working families and I've had to work and study hard to further my career as has he. It doesn't usually bother me but sometimes I get a bit tired of the little jabs just because I was fortunate enough to have sailing, riding, piano lessons or whatever. I would never judge someone on class or accent and think it's unfair that he does. Am I being insensitive or unreasonable?

Namechangetempissue Fri 09-Mar-18 15:09:22

YANBU. I am from a horsey background and we were absolutely not a wealthy family by any means. My mum worked three jobs to afford our competition ponies. No silver spoon, just bloody hard work and graft and second hand stuff. Now I have horses and again, it isn't because I am posh or rich. We have our own business and work bloody hard to afford what we have. I know loads of people exactly the same as me. They scrimp and save to enjoy their hobbies and lifestyle. While we had ponies, we didn't have a phone or holidays or even heating in the house. You can't judge people like that.
That attitude would really get on my tits.

Thecrabbypatty Fri 09-Mar-18 15:10:51

No advice really but same problem. He's now working with "posh knobs" and really loves the people and the job so that's kind of opened his eyes a bit, but he's still sniffy. I just laugh and say alright chippy when he starts one of his moans. It's tiring but he's a diamond about everything else. Will be reading with interest and you are not alone x

TiffanyDoggett Fri 09-Mar-18 15:12:42

@Namechangetempissue
I know many people like yourself who love their horses and do carefully prioritise expenditure around it. Quite normal for the countryside I think!

CuriousaboutSamphire Fri 09-Mar-18 15:13:51

No, you're not, he is being boorish and that gets tiresome.

DH and I are from similarly WC, cash and emotion poor families. But neither of us have ever looked at someone with more than us and felt anything other than a twinge of 'if only'. BIL, on the other hand is utterly vile.

He has a friend, someone he has know the whole of his life (we're all in our 50s). That friend and his wife take in foster kids and they save the money they earn for Las Vegas holidays. Far from being impressed - DH and I are in awe of anyone who can take in the often troubled kids they do - BIL is absolutely beside himself that they get paid about £500/week per child. He actually foams at the mouth he gets so worked up about it.

I have no idea why it pisses him off so much, other than they can afford holidays that BIL can't - which seems to be the gist of his ranting!

There is nothing that makes a person seem really ugly than that sort of jealousy and anger. I'd expect you will find it increasingly less and less appealing. Do you think you could talk to him about it, get him t understand how unpleasant a character trait it is?

Best of luck with it!

StormTreader Fri 09-Mar-18 15:14:33

Maybe just remind him how snobby he sounds, putting people down just because of their background.

TiffanyDoggett Fri 09-Mar-18 15:15:57

@Thecrabbypatty
That sounds familiar. My dh is really a diamond too and I dont have much to moan about. My family all love him as he does them but it's 'outsiders' he can be funny about.

LeighaJ Fri 09-Mar-18 15:22:41

I grew up dirt poor and I've never begrudged wealthy families for what they can do for their own children.

My ex was from a very wealthy family and I'd say the only problems we had regarding our different backgrounds is that he had trouble putting himself in my shoes to understand some of the emotional damage it had done to me. Also his family initially thought I was a gold digger. 😒

I just always thought that his family and other wealthy families I knew were fortunate but also I could see how hard most of them had worked for their wealth.

It's really unhealthy for your husband to hold onto so much resentment year after year over this, sounds exhausting for both of you. :/

reallyanotherone Fri 09-Mar-18 15:27:32

YANBU. I am from a horsey background and we were absolutely not a wealthy family by any meanS

That’s the thing with ponies though, even if you started out relatively wealthy, you won’t be after a couple of years as a horse owner smile.

To have money AND have horses you need to be landed gentry/lottery winner rich.

I suppose it’s a choice though. Friend of mine spends enough money on her horse that would put her kids through private school. I gave up the horses as i knew i’d never have enough time and money, plus kids plus job.

MissionItsPossible Fri 09-Mar-18 15:28:31

YANBU. But I can also understand where he’s coming from even though it would annoy and be tiresome for me as well

TiffanyDoggett Fri 09-Mar-18 15:29:04

It's just odd. I do appreciate my upbringing. Not just financially but having parents that made me and my siblings feel that we could do it be anything if we wanted to and worked hard.

Takeoutyourhen Fri 09-Mar-18 15:33:08

That kind of attitude is very wearing. I know someone with the same chip on their shoulder . Resents anyone with money (probably not them personally but the idea) and despite having given up any faith, still recites that it's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to get into the kingdom of heaven...

TammyWhyNot Fri 09-Mar-18 15:38:30

Have you had a direct conversation about it?
As in how dies he see prejudice in general, generalising about people,does he think it is any of these people's fault that they have / had more than than he did? Would it be OK for people to mock him if he won the lottery and got rich? Is it he individual people he doesn't like or the wealth they (maybe) have? Don't row, just have the conversation and ask questions. Tell him it can be wearing and boring when it becomes a repetitive thing.

MargaretCavendish Fri 09-Mar-18 15:38:47

I used to have a long-term bf who was like this. He once told me I was 'like the girl in Common People' - and I was young and sweet enough that I didn't even tell him to fuck off! At the same time he was also in some ways quite snobby about my family - he basically thought they were nouveau, and so resented their money but also looked down on them for not being like his well-educated-but-a-bit-skint parents. I'm not saying it's the only reason that he's an ex, but...

TatianaLarina Fri 09-Mar-18 15:38:59

Inverse snobbery is as unpleasant as snobbery. Looking down on people for whatever reason is a really awful trait.

How would he feel if your family friends mocked his accent behind his back? Perhaps he thinks they do as he does it. I’m certain it wouldn’t occur to them.

I think I would counter tales of half choc ices with the Monty Python ‘Four Yorkshiremen’ sketch. ‘We used to live in paper bag in a sceptic tank.’

Wherever you are in life there will always be people who have more money who spend things on stuff you don’t understand or approve of.

He’s a bit old not to have come to terms with that yet.

Thecrabbypatty Fri 09-Mar-18 15:39:39

Agreed. My family worked for every penny and were really proud to bring us up doing nice things like private music lessons, swimming, riding and whatnot. I don't think DP is jealous as such, maybe just ingrained from friends to dislike the posh kids? His parents are lovely and are now proudly "middle class" but it took longer and his mum struggled on her own when they were small. I think he tries to defend his mum almost because she wasn't able to do those things (although she could now and would have wanted to then). I don't know. He's getting over it meeting my lovely friends who are all a little privileged I guess and seeing you can be lovely, humble and have nice / do nice stuff. It's about positive exposure. My friends DP was raging anti wealth moaner until they as a couple got pretty wealthy, he's changed his tune wink it's all about exposure.

TiffanyDoggett Fri 09-Mar-18 15:48:37

I have tried to talk about it to him before (We've been together since our early 20s), he says I don't get it because I'm normal and not too posh because I chose to go to a state school (my parents are quite liberal and let me choose my schooling from secondary onwards).

TiffanyDoggett Fri 09-Mar-18 15:50:45

The four Yorkshiremen sketch is fantastic. I regularly hear about how all his family would have to share the bath water for their weekly bath every time I get berated for wanting to bathe our mucky 4 year old ds every nightly grin

TatianaLarina Fri 09-Mar-18 15:52:38

What does he think you don’t get?

Does it really matter if people are ‘too posh’ if they’re kind and down to earth?

Why so preoccupied with class? People are people ime whether they have masses or nothing.

CuriousaboutSamphire Fri 09-Mar-18 15:52:39

Then you need to learn its this off by heart grin

www.scribd.com/document/16535338/Four-Yorkshire-Men-Script

NotAllTimsWearCapes Fri 09-Mar-18 15:54:03

OP does your DH have any hobbies or indulge in any luxuries no matter how small? Might be worth pointing out to him that the [insert hobby] he does without a thought would be an unthinkable luxury for many in the country right now.

Dljlr Fri 09-Mar-18 15:58:06

No advice, but empathy. DP is the same. He'll sneer "good to be rich" about absolutely anything outside of his immediate financial grasp or cultural experience. He's the same about literary references, despite the fact that he himself is a well educated and highly qualified person (his interests are all science and tec based). So if a quote or literary reference is made on TV (for example), he'll be confused until I explain, then I get the sneer and implication I'm some kind of posh twat because I recognise a line from Jane Austen when I hear it. I find it very unattractive.

Huntinginthedark Fri 09-Mar-18 15:58:20

Just sounds like a bit of a nob imo

TiffanyDoggett Fri 09-Mar-18 15:58:54

@NotAllTimsWearCapes does the pub count? grin. Seriously his big indulgence is going out to eat. So yes he does have an expensive hobby.

blastomama Fri 09-Mar-18 15:59:09

It's hard to say without actually hearing him.

I had someone say to me once that I did similar, she says "oh you always play the little poor girl card, its so annoying". But what she actually meant was I occasionally, in appropriate conversation, made reference to the lived experience that was my background. And that made her uncomfortable, and what she would prefer that she talked on and on about herself and I should not mention my life because bits of it weren't that nice.

If he is going on and on though that is out of order and annoying.

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