At my wits end with friend.(15 Posts)
Hi everyone sorry more of a wwyd. I have a friend who's my best friends sister I've known both of them for over 10 years. I will call her Hannah. Hannah has a 13 year old son who I've known since he was 3 he is a lovely boy.
Hannah had some problems last year with her father huge back story but basically her dad murdered their mum years ago went to prison for a short time and has spent the last 20 odd years abusing alcohol and drugs. Hannah used to speak to her dad but my best friend never has.
For the past few months since the trouble last year's me and my bf have noticed Hannah has been really down so we've been trying to help and support her through and arranging things we know she likes.
Last week it all came to a head when Hannah meant a guy for lunch on a week day while her son was at school she promised him she would be home at 4 but didn't arrive back until gone 7 and she was very drunk. Hannah is single parent so her son was sat waiting for her on his own and hadn't had any dinner. Around 10pm that night Hannah called me saying she couldn't cope and i had to take her son in for the night in heartbeat I agreed and took the boy in for the night and sent him off to school the next day he was very upset when he came to me crying and very distressed. I will admit I maybe waded in a little and took charge I made Hannah a doctors appointment which she did attend and i called her work and told them that her emotional wellbeing was in turmoil and not to expect her in. She's been off since then.
In this time she has been out a further 3 times leaving her son at home alone 1 more of these times he returned home from school to an empty house and when she returned she was drunk. Tonight she went out on a date she went out at 6 and agreed with her son she would be home by 9 but she still isnt home and I've been told by a friend she is very drunk and trying to get hold of cocaine (she has form for this and has ruined many evenings out with her drug use)
The son isn't my relative but im quite close to him and my bf even though she is his auntie has 2 children a small house and one of her children has special needs.
I have had words with her tonight and i feel bad because i kind of lost my temper and told her how selfish she was being and how unfair this is on her son. This is all having a huge emotional impact on the boy he looks so miserable and upset all the time but Hannah just doesn't care all she cares about is going out drinking and doing drugs. Shes usually a great mother a little selfish at times but her son usually comes first. The doctor prescribed anti depressants and sleeping tablets she will take the sleeping tablets but not the anti deoressents. I'm worried I dont know what to do bf doesn't like any confrontation with her sister and just tends to go along with her sister to keep the peace but i cant sit back and watch her destroy her life and her relationship with her child I dont want to interfere or get her into trouble but what can I do to help? I've told her so much over the past few months how much we all care about her how strong she is and how none of this with her dad is her fault but nothing sinks In.
Please any one if you have any advice id be glad to hear it also I apologise for any typos and all the grammar mistakes im on my phone and I'm up so late with worry that I'm going to get a call from her son.
You are being a good friend but I think the priority here has to be the child.
I think the first step is a few harsh words with her about what she is doing and the impact it is having on her poor son.
Next could you go to the GP with her and explain the seriousness of the situation ? Get professional help for her.
I would also try to get her sister, your best friend, to stop 'going along'with her. She needs to see that her sister is going to end up in a very bad way if her behaviour continues and that she may lose her child.
Could one of you look after the child for a few weeks / months if she agrees to get help ?
I feel very concerned for the child's wellbeing. If the two of you can't get her back on track, with her accepting professional help, one of you has to step in and look after the child or get social services involved.
It's sad what your friend and sister have been through, but it can't wreck another child's life.
I hope you can get something sorted.
Call NSPCC & ask for advice and report her to social services.
I would absolutely take the child no problem I just don't know how she would react to me suggesting it. I live around the corner from her and right next to her son's school.
I really would like her to get some proper help. I'm sorry I didn't include this in my op and I'm not trying to drip feed to I'm really sorry if it comes across that way but the night she dropped her son to me she admited she drinks a bottle of wine most nights and has done for about a month or so some nights she just has one glass but she has alcohol every day she said to help her sleep..
Totally agree the child is the priority here. I've tried the harsh words tonight she was drunk then i think I will have another chat with her tomorrow. I dont even know if she's home she's showing on social media as being online but hasn't responded and I'm sure her son is sleeping im sure he would of called otherwise
I would talk with the sister and you both get some support from an addict’s charity. Al-anon is a good one. One of the major signs of alcoholism is neglecting things that are important in favour of alcohol. They will have tips for confronting her and getting her support. It seems like she is an addict and is self-medicating.
Another thing I would do is keep the line of support open to the son. It isn’t his fault. And he is going to need stability and unconditional love right now. I’m not saying have him move in, but texts a few times a week. And having him round for a meal/watch a film could be a nice escape.
I just don't understand how someone who lives and dies by a routine could now be living such a messy and turbulent lifestyle.
Definately worth getting in touch with the charity. I've had a long chat with her sister tonight and i did say that maybe she should speak up as well what she says may carry more weight then me.
They both had very traunatic starts in life but had lovely childhoods with their grandparents. Hannah was old enough to understand what happened to her mum at the time and when she was a teen her dad actually tried to rape her. I didn't know her then but she did tell me all about it once it was a totally shocking for me to hear and i remember being in tears when she told me but Hannah didn't cry she's always been really strong like that.
Childhood trauma can affect you as an adult hugely. She really does need to get professional help.
Also I absolutely agree with what zoe said. Whatever happens, keep the line of support open to the son. Every child deserves to have one person who would thinks of them and to do right by them. She made a lovely suggestion of having him round for dinner, film etc. I think it would be very reassuring for him and a source of stability and escape at this time. He needs to know someone cares and gives him a voice.
That would be round for dinner regularly while this is happening.
They both had very traunatic starts in life but had lovely childhoods with their grandparents. Hannah was old enough to understand what happened to her mum at the time and when she was a teen her dad actually tried to rape her
That is not a lovely childhood. Not at all. I hope both she and her son get the help they need.
I have a friend who experienced this. I haven't seen her for several months, we live opposite sides of London. The scenario is the same, aside from the age of the son. Her son is older. She has a sister. They were brought up by paternal grandparents. All nice from the outside but the parents felt their son did no wrong and .ade that very clear. I read this story and I actually wonder if it's her with a few details changed. What are the odds...
You have given a lot of detail in your post.
She doesn't need harsh words, as some have suggested. She's experienced a horror most of us never have and never will, that naturally clouds her life. Both her and her son need help. I agree the son is paramount here. But help is needed not harshness or judgment or comparisons re how 1 sister is coping better than the other. You've had advice about several agencies so contact one and then let them deal with it. They're trained. They will know what to do.
I didn't mean harsh words as in judgement. I just mean that she needs to understand that what she is doing may lead to her losing her son. I think she may be so traumatised due to her childhood and not thinking clearly because of alcohol etc that she doesn't realise the implications. I would imagine that when she is sober and thinking clearer that after her own childhood, the last thing she would want is to cause any hurt to her own child. That's all I meant.
I know the damage that a shit childhood can cause to an adult and I really want this lady to get help.
Sorry what i meant is the time they were with their grandparents was very happy their mum was their grandparents daughter she went to visit her dad when she got older when this happened to her. I have no doubt in my mind that she's been traumatised from her past I think anyone would be.
I simply just want to know the best route to go down. When we went to the doctors she suggested some cognitive behavioural therapy to help her manage the depression but then went on to say there's quite a large waiting list in this area and my heart just sank we need this help now.
Obviously I cannot say where in the country we live but i can confirm it is not in the London area.
I feel awful for what i said to her last night but i really did jusy lose my patience a little bit since last week this has been all of our main focus. I know people would say well if you dont like it then walk away but i cant do that I really do care about her and her son.
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Ok OP. Losing your patience isn't going to help. As has been suggested by pp's you need to contact relevant agencies so she can get help.
I don't understand the comparisons between her and her sister just because one copes better than the other, and also saying she had a lovely childhood in the knowledge that her dad killed her mum. Do you not think this would disturb someone? I don't think living with grandparents as to both her parents being "here" would be a choice.
This woman is vulnerable and needs appropriate, targeted, qualified, professional help for her and her son.
Ok re it's not in London but as said you've given a lot of detail and it sounded like the woman I know, down to childhood with grandparents and having a sister. As said.. what are the odds..
& I meant to add - her Facebook name has 'Hannah' in it as in 2nd part of her name. It's not her real name. That's what also took me aback when reading your post. Anyway. I hope she gets help and can move towards a better life with her son
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