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WWYD- Lending money

(151 Posts)
jacks11 Sun 25-Feb-18 19:58:38

I torn- I feel like if I do then I'm being taken for a mug (and perhaps creating a rod for my own back), if I don't then it will have significant negative impact on DB/SIL and their DC.

For background: I don't have a good relationship with DB and SIL. Complex, but they do have a history of piss-taking (to quite breathtaking levels at time). They have 3 DC. DB works but not well paid, SIL hasn't worked for around 3 years- but has been attending college this year on a course with a view to go onto further qualifications (IF she completes this year).

As part of her funding, SIL gets some of her nursery fees paid for their youngest DC whilst she is at college (elder 2 at school). They have received a bill for this months fees- the college have refused to pay their part as her attendance has been so poor (as is in their conditions). Her absence has not been due to illness, from what I can gather. I'm actually not sure what she has been doing when her DC has been at nursery, not that it's any of my business.

DB did not know she was not attending college apparently- but they have called asking for me to lend the money (several £100's) as if they don't pay, the nursery will not take their DC until the outstanding is paid. They don't have the money, and won't have it any time soon. Without childcare SIL will not be able to continue college.

As I said, I don't have a good relationship with DB or SIL. They have behaved badly in the past. Including not paying back money lent to them previously. This has happened on more than one occasion- so more fool me for not learning the first time, I suppose. On the last occasion, I had reminded them several times- always vague promised but nothing forthcoming, so I gave one last reminder and said I wouldn't be constantly hounding them but if I wasn't repaid then I would not lend them anything in the future. And I have stuck to that to date.

I can easily afford to give them the money, that isn't an issue. I would feel like a mug. I also think this would lead to never ending requests for money- they are both terrible with money.

OTOH, if SIL were to complete the course and did get onto the training course then she would have the opportunity of better paid job with some security- clearly a benefit to their DC.

I have said no, but I'm now getting lots of messages from both of them. There is (small) part of me that feels like I should help, given that I can and given the stakes are quite high.

OTOH, I feel like if I give in now when I've previously said I would never lend money again, then I'm being a mug. I think they're reaping what they've sown as they have taken the piss quite a lot, meaning I don't feel especially inclined to help. Even more so as I think this will then trigger lots of requests for money- no doubt all will be "essentials" because they have spent money on the "non-essentials" on the premise that they will be bailed out. This is what happened in the past (e.g. needing for money for school uniform shoes as SIL had splurged on hair straighteners and haircut in a nice salon, for instance- this was several years ago). In addition, I feel like SIL got herself into this situation by her own stupidity and laziness, so perhaps it's a good thing that she feels the consequences of her own actions.

WWYD? I do feel mean, but on the other hand I don't feel I owe them anything given their previous behaviour. And if I give in this time, where will it end? There will always be another "emergency" or a "disaster' with potentially serious consequences if I don't give them money.

GreatDuckCookery Sun 25-Feb-18 20:01:19

It's a hard situation OP but I would stick to your guns and not give them the money.

Bringmewineandcake Sun 25-Feb-18 20:01:29

You’re right to say no. There has to be a point at which their gravy train gets cut off. You’ve done the hard part by saying no and now I would stand firm.
A horrible position to be in flowers

LampShadeHeid Sun 25-Feb-18 20:02:16

I wouldn’t lend them the money.

LloydColeandtheCoconuts Sun 25-Feb-18 20:05:39

I wouldn’t either. And You’re not being U. Not your fault they didn’t pay you back before.
Horrible position to be in though flowers

Alanna1 Sun 25-Feb-18 20:05:45

I’d think about contacting the nursery and paying it directly in instaments, provided she attends at the college.

jacks11 Sun 25-Feb-18 20:06:19

Yes bring, it does feel horrible. I think I'll get the blame if she can't finish the course, they'll never admit that SIL got herself into this position and she alone is responsible if she can't complete.

Whocansay Sun 25-Feb-18 20:07:05

How would she complete the course if she isn't attending? And if she isn't attending, she can look after her own kids. I wouldn't give them the money. You won't get it back and they are not appreciative. Let them find another sucker.

LIZS Sun 25-Feb-18 20:07:10

No don't, they will never be able to repay you. They would have the means to pay if she had attended. Had she been ill it might be different. Do they have others to ask or hav ethey run out fo creditors by abusing their goodwill?

Els1e Sun 25-Feb-18 20:07:42

To be honest, I wouldn’t lend them the money. They need to learn to manage their own money. Many college courses have a minimum attendance so it maybe that your sil will not pass the course anyway.

angelopal Sun 25-Feb-18 20:07:48

Don't give it to them. They will just keep coming back for more.

KochabRising Sun 25-Feb-18 20:08:04


But if you do, pay it directly to the nursery.

Amonk3ysButler Sun 25-Feb-18 20:09:27

You have clearly made your decision here and yanbu by not helping them if they have taken the piss before. However if it was me and I could afford it I would ring the nursery and pay it straight to them because A) I would know they weren't taking me for a mug and this why they needed the money.
B) their dc would be benefiting from it not them.
If it is truly the case that they needed the money childcare fees I would make it very clear this is a one time thing and I never wanted to be asked again. But saying all this I'm a soft touch and would probably roll over each time blush

MyBrilliantDisguise Sun 25-Feb-18 20:09:33

It sounds as though she's missed college because she couldn't be arsed going in. While she was sitting on her bum watching Jeremy Kyle, you were at work.

Don't give in. She clearly didn't think the college would press the consequences of her actions. She clearly didn't think you would press the consequences of her actions.

The only way she can learn is for you to stand firm. Don't pay the fees directly as a PP said. Don't do anything. This is their problem, not yours, and it's caused by them, not you.

ruleshelpcontrolthefun Sun 25-Feb-18 20:09:41

I'd stick to my guns too or it will never stop. Your DB and SIL need to have their safety net removed and learn to be adults.

notapizzaeater Sun 25-Feb-18 20:09:55

I'd probably pay but pay it straight to nursery

PragmaticWench Sun 25-Feb-18 20:10:06

You say that it's not your business why she hasn't attended but it IS if they are asking you for money as a direct consequence of her failing to attend.

Personally I wouldn't lend it to them but you could always ask why she didn't attend before making a decision? Although I wouldn't let them know that you might lend them the money...

QuiteCleanBandit Sun 25-Feb-18 20:10:28

Dont give them any more money.
You are enabling this lifesryle if poor choices and decisions about money

43percentburnt Sun 25-Feb-18 20:10:35

Don't pay it. Presumably she knew the risk of not attending college. She made a choice it's not up to you to bail her out. Not attending shows she doesn't value the course. What's the likelihood of passing if you don't attend?

Many students have a part time job - can't she work a few hours a week and use that to pay the college back?

ladygracie Sun 25-Feb-18 20:11:20

Have I read it right that they still owe you money from the last time?
If you do decide to lend them the money then I agree with Alanna1 - pay the college directly and only the minimum that is needed. It’s very hard though.

CuriousaboutSamphire Sun 25-Feb-18 20:11:29

Crikey! I think Whocansay has the right of it... you can't be thinking 'what if' if she isn't even doing the one thing that is necessary for her to qualify!

Stick to your guns, let them figure it out, they are adults!

And be blunt and say the same to anyone who even tries to insinuate anything is your fault!

Good luck finding your own way of saying nay of that though. I know only too well how hard it is to say no and mean it when it comes to family and money!

jacks11 Sun 25-Feb-18 20:11:57


But how would I know whether SIL was attending or not? The college wouldn't give me that information so SIL could say whatever she likes- I'd have no way of checking. And, TBH, I'm not really sure I want to act as some sort of supervisor/childminder as to whether SIL attends college.

I could pay the nursery directly. Actually a good idea, to ensure it's not some cover for needing money for something they know I would not consider bailing them out for (also have form for this- with our parents, not me). However, the nursery wouldn't accept instalments- they've already made that clear to DB/SIL as they offered that to make up what they owe in instalments. So I would have to pay the whole thing in one go (which isn't the issue).

icelollycraving Sun 25-Feb-18 20:12:02

Absolutely not. If she is too dim or lazy to understand the terms of the childcare, more fool her.
If you do it, it’ll open the floodgates of never ending loans.

Nikephorus Sun 25-Feb-18 20:12:31

Don't pay. She won't pay you back & she won't attend college. As she's not attending she'll be available to look after her child & won't need nursery.

frasier Sun 25-Feb-18 20:12:51

I wouldn't, but then SIL still owes us money (we've given up on it) from 15 years ago!

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