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I want marriage.

(156 Posts)
imsorrydarling Sun 25-Feb-18 12:23:39

So just a little background information to set the scene.

My partner and I are in a ‘long distance’ relationship. I reside in the midlands & he in Manchester. 1.5 hour distance.

I’ve known him for 5 years since 2014. We didn’t become ‘official’ since 2016.

We’re both Pakistani, so due to our culture/faith, we don’t live together and although our relationship isn’t a secret, it’s not publicised either.

We met on a Muslim matrimonial site. I was on there seeking a serious relationship which would lead to marriage and he was aware of this as he claimed to be seeking the same. However, I was one of many women he was speaking to at the same time and even though I could sense he wasn’t truthful, I just went along with it. My mum died a few months after we started speaking so I guess I felt like I needed him.

Anyway since 2016, everything has been great. However he won’t steer towards the topic of marriage or the next stage. The next stage would be for our families to meet. His family is slightly more traditional than mine, and to get the ball rolling, they would need to speak to my dad and come visit us etc. It’s just how the culture has worked for centuries.

Every time I mention this, we get into an argument. He brushes it off and when I persist, it escalates. This has been going on since November.

Yesterday when I mentioned it again, he said I was selfish for bringing marriage up because his sister died in July and it’ll take a very long time to get over it.

I don’t know what to do. I know I’ve mentioned culture a few times but it’s just how it is. I have friends and family who have dated men and once it’s hit the 1/2 year mark, families have become involved and marriage has happened.

I’m 28 now and sick of everyone wondering why I am unmarried.

MrsFionaCharming Sun 25-Feb-18 12:25:24

Are you certain he’s not already married?

Chifi Sun 25-Feb-18 12:27:22

LTB and find someone that wants you.

BlondeB83 Sun 25-Feb-18 12:28:33

Find someone better, he’s messing you around!

Idontdowindows Sun 25-Feb-18 12:28:58

You're wasting your time with him. He's not going to marry you.

ClaryFray Sun 25-Feb-18 12:29:24

Leave him and find someone who wants what you do.

TwitterQueen1 Sun 25-Feb-18 12:30:53

..even though I could sense he wasn’t truthful, I just went along with it

OP, sorry but he doesn't want to marry you. He wasn't truthful when you first met. He's not truthful now. You need to find someone else.

MrsExpo Sun 25-Feb-18 12:30:59

Have you visited his home? where do you meet up when you see each other? Does he always come to you .... ? What do your family know of this man? I agree with the pp, this looks like he's tying to hide something. Either he's already married, or he really isn't that into you or wanting a permanent relationship with you. I think I'd drop him and move on.

MumW Sun 25-Feb-18 12:31:02

Cut your losses and find someone who deserves your love and loves you in return.

imsorrydarling Sun 25-Feb-18 12:32:26

MrsFionaCharming - He was in an arranged marriage at 22. She died a few years later. He’s 32 now.

Wistfulremembering Sun 25-Feb-18 12:33:39

I think if marriage is your priority, you do need to look for someone else.

Even leaving marriage aside, I don't think he sounds committed to you as a couple? Find someone who wants to be with you.

You're only 28, you have lots of time to find a man who loves you and settle down with marriage and kids if that's what you want flowers I'm sorry it's hard.

Jellybaby75 Sun 25-Feb-18 12:34:17

Yep, move on. How can you really trust this guy? If it’s so normal for couples to marry after 1 1/2 years, why isn’t he wanting to? Something not right there. Also, making you feel guilty for discussing marriage is out of order.

jollyjester Sun 25-Feb-18 12:34:24

In the nicest way possible I dont think this has a future.

There is no point in speculation about his situation but I think if marriage is what you want you may need to start seeking it from someone else.

imsorrydarling Sun 25-Feb-18 12:37:39

MrsExpo - I’ve been to his home. But he does prefer to travel when we meet up. He doesn’t really like me going to Manchester specifically to meet him. We do weekend getaways, both here and abroad, or day trips etc. He showers me with expensive gifts - Louboutins, Valentino, Chanel, Gucci etc you name it. But that’s not what I want from this relationship. He’s attentive to my birthdays and our anniversary but when it comes to marriage he’s a different man. I’ve mentioned it to him so many times, if marriage is not for him, then he needs to tell me. And I understand marriage isn’t for everyone. But he attempts to reassure me he does want marriage.

imsorrydarling Sun 25-Feb-18 12:39:07

TwitterQueen1 - I know, that’s what my gut implies, sometimes.

19lottie82 Sun 25-Feb-18 12:40:54

But he attempts to reassure me he does want marriage

Actions mean more than words.

I’m sorry but from what he’s told us he doesn’t want marriage.

If that’s what you want then you need to lay your cards on the table, and if he’s not prepared to commit, then walk away.

imsorrydarling Sun 25-Feb-18 12:42:20

Wistful - I know 28 is young. Just kinda getting fed up of the speculation from people. I’ve always been the black sheep in my extended family - ‘the Muslim girl with tattoos and who goes on holidays without a male chaperone’!

My dad is really ‘western’ and is not worried about me being unmarried at 28. But in the eyes of the Pakistani community I’m nearly approaching my sell by date. All my cousins are married so I’m always mentioned in conversation.

imsorrydarling Sun 25-Feb-18 12:45:15

He hasn’t even spoken to me after making the remark about me being selfish in regards to his sister not being around.

I made no attempt to contact him either. I dressed up and went out with the girls & didn’t get back in until 3am!

doesthislookoddtoyou Sun 25-Feb-18 12:49:21

I’ve mentioned it to him so many times, if marriage is not for him, then he needs to tell me

He has told you, loud and clear. If he wanted to marry you you would be married by now. You're not even engaged. He doesn't want to marry you.

Snowysky20009 Sun 25-Feb-18 12:51:34

He's just messing you around. Cut your loses and find someone who wants to spend his life with you. This one doesn't.

DeathStare Sun 25-Feb-18 12:53:28

He's not going to marry you OP. He's telling you that loud and clear. Either he just isn't interested in marrying you or he's already in a relationship with someone else. My suspicion is the latter, but it doesn't really matter - either way he isn't going to marry you so it's time to get out.

greendale17 Sun 25-Feb-18 12:55:31

So he’s been married before and she died.

He obviously doesn’t want to get married again. Either you accept this or you more on.

topcat2014 Sun 25-Feb-18 12:56:52

He is messing you around, OP, just bin him off.

Regardless of cultural heritage he is behaving very poorly towards you.

wizzywig Sun 25-Feb-18 12:57:41

Fellow asian here. He is playing you. He knows you are in a vulnerable position being single and 28. He is a widower, there wont be pressure on him to remarry. Ditch him.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Sun 25-Feb-18 12:59:22

His wife died very young. Does that not ring alarm bells for you?

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