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Brother's son

(211 Posts)
chickinlikin Sun 25-Feb-18 11:28:40

I've name changed for this but I would just like some outside perspective. My brother died last year. He had a son from whom he was mostly estranged, mostly because he didn't make the effort. His relationship with the mother didn't last long. I always bought presents for the son and gave them to my brother but in the end I stopped because I wasn't sure if they were actually getting sent on. Anyway before he died (very suddenly and unexpectedly) he had been trying to get in contact with his son. Sadly it wasn't to be. I messaged the boy's mum through facebook and told her what had happened and also said there was a policy which the insurance company wanted to pay out to the child. She kept sending messages to see if I had made contact with the insurance company and passed on her details - I did this more or less straight away but I was kind of all over the place. Anyway, she got the money and hasn't been back in touch. It is the boy's birthday soon and I asked if it would be ok to send a gift but I would understand if she thought this was a bad idea. Anyway I can see she has read my message and not responded. What are your thoughts? I think the boy must know all about his dad because they had been planning to meet up before he died. AIBU sending a present? I wasn't looking to make contact with the boy directly unless he wanted to.

Winteriscoming18 Sun 25-Feb-18 11:31:18

It’s possible she is mulling over the idea to proceed with contact. Sending a present would suggest you wanted some relationship with your nephew otherwise what would be the point. She might not wanting him to be messed around again.

TheQueenOfWands Sun 25-Feb-18 11:32:21

I think you should leave them alone.

He made no effort when he was alive so I doubt the mum has a particularly high opinion of him. If I was her I'd want to close the door on the whole situation.

I had DS's biological father get in touch with me after years too. I ignored him, no idea where he is now. I'd be cross if his family kept badgering me.

Confusedbeetle Sun 25-Feb-18 11:33:34

This depends on the age of the child. I would definitely send a card and be clear to the mother that he is welcome to keep in contact with you if he wishes. Sadly you can't force the issue and families do go different ways. You have made the right openings. It is a shame, but she may have only been interested in the money. Just try and keep the door open if you can. It may be that as he grows up he may want to know more about his dad

chickinlikin Sun 25-Feb-18 11:33:49

To be honest I don't think she is mulling it over. I think if I offered to send money to her bank account she would bite my hand off. I am not looking to start meeting up or anything - I just would have liked the boy to grow up knowing that he had an aunt who had tried to make the effort. In the facebook pictures he looks so like my brother.

Winteriscoming18 Sun 25-Feb-18 11:38:27

How is not seeing him and having a relationship being their for him presents mean nothing but being an active role in a child’s life does. The comment about sending money is disgusting! She didn’t go chasing insurance money you contacted her about it and it was money to pay towards the upkeep of her child ops brother help created. Confused what a disgusting comment about the mother only wanting the money!

chickinlikin Sun 25-Feb-18 11:40:29

The way I feel is that she was only ever after any money she could get. Once she got the insurance payout her and her husband and the rest of the family went about 3 holidays last year. For clarification she doesn't work and from I can see neither does the husband. I suspect she is also claiming single parent benefits because she has never changed her name or disclosed that he lives at her address.

TheQueenOfWands Sun 25-Feb-18 11:42:26


You know a LOT about her.

Winteriscoming18 Sun 25-Feb-18 11:43:04

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RebelRogue Sun 25-Feb-18 11:44:25

And? She didn't go contacting you,demanding money,rooting through your brother's estate and declaring it all for her son.

You contacted her to make her aware of money legally and rightfully left to her son.

No idea if she knows how you feel about her,but if she has even an inkling no wonder she wouldn't keep in contact unless necessary.

Calvinlookingforhobbs Sun 25-Feb-18 11:49:15

On wveragd it cost more than £200k to raise a child. I suspect she is more than deserving of any money she has ‘bitten your hand off for’.

Winteriscoming18 Sun 25-Feb-18 11:56:01

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

chickinlikin Sun 25-Feb-18 11:56:48

There is a bit more to it than you all think. There was very little money apart from the insurance payout and my mum had to pay for the funeral from her meagre savings. I completed all the paperwork and declared he had a child. I found her details on my brother's computer and contacted her to tell her that he had died and that there would be money due to the child. I would love to have a relationship with the boy but would never push my way in - I had no idea where she was or I might have got in touch before now even if my brother didn't For clarity I have no ill feeling towards the girl at all but she was asking an awful lot of questions about my brother's financial situation and whether he still owned a property. For what is is worth my brother did pay maintenance to her.

Winteriscoming18 Sun 25-Feb-18 12:00:43

So your bitter because the insurance company insisted the payout goes to his next of kin his son? That’s standard that money will pay towards his upkeep as he gets older.

chickinlikin Sun 25-Feb-18 12:05:52

I'm certainly not upset that she got the insurance money - she was perfectly entitled to it as guardian of her son. It doesn't really matter what I say on here, it looks like I am going to be ripped to bits anyway. All I wanted to do was send a present (and also one for her younger child because I didn't want to leave her out). I don't want to muscle in and force a relationship but I would love the boy to get in contact when he was older. The reason I know so much about her is because my brother had screen shots of online conversations with her as he was planning on meeting the child again. She more or less insinuated in the messages that he had shopped her to the benefits agency, which he definitely didn't.

Minniemagoo Sun 25-Feb-18 12:08:09

Honestly the time to make contact was before your brother died. You knew he wasn't great at contact and probably didnt pass on your gifts, or may even have passed them off as his own.
I think its wierd tbh that you went and requested permission to send a gift, nothing stopping you just doing it and if there was a problem they could return it.

Winteriscoming18 Sun 25-Feb-18 12:08:38

You clearly judge her and made rude comments about being in it for the money. Do you have hard it is being a single parent and have no support from the other parent? You have no clue what she’s been up to or had to endure

Oldraver Sun 25-Feb-18 12:09:34

Your Mum shouldn't of had to pay out for the should of come from (and is the first in the queue so to speak) his estate.

Blackteadrinker77 Sun 25-Feb-18 12:10:31

I wouldn't send it or contact them again until the child is old enough to decide for himself.

dotdotdotmustdash Sun 25-Feb-18 12:14:27

Winter Presumably there wasn't any estate to pay the funeral. The insurance policy wouldn't have been counted as part of his estate as it was never going to be paid to the PP's brother. In fact, it couldn't have gone to anyone other than his son unless a will stated otherwise.

RedHelenB Sun 25-Feb-18 12:14:40

I think the child has a right to know about his dad . Hopefully, you could meet at some point in the future so you can talk about him. But I wouldn't try to push it too hard as there was obviously background you know nothing about.

dotdotdotmustdash Sun 25-Feb-18 12:15:06

Sorry, not Winter, but Oldraver.

Winteriscoming18 Sun 25-Feb-18 12:15:26

Depends what the insurance policy indicates. But the mother didn’t do anything she was informed there was money for her son left.

chickinlikin Sun 25-Feb-18 12:16:15

I can fully appreciate being a single parent is tough and would have been happy to offer support. To be fair Winteriscoming you have no idea what I'm like or indeed her. For instance, when I went to see her after the baby was born I bought her a lovely baby chair that rocked and played music but later found out that her and her mother were slagging me off because it was a neutral colour and not a specific boy or girl colour. The girl also never worked prior to becoming pregnant and I honestly didn't ever judge her but I felt as if I was judged and wasn't coming off well. For what it's worth I tried to get my brother to keep in touch - in fact he went to court to get access and saw the child in a contact centre every week but it sort of fizzled out.

Snowysky20009 Sun 25-Feb-18 12:19:01

How old his is son?

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