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To not let him win?

(17 Posts)
exitbreak Sat 24-Feb-18 19:32:34

Bit of a silly one!

I was playing a board game with DH and DS5 earlier. DS is very competitive and get a very upset if he isn't winning or wins overall. I won the game and this resulted in 15 minutes of crying and wailing from DS followed by sulking.

DH always lets him win every single time and says it's easier, with DS's reaction today proving his point!

I don't think this is good for him. Currently he crys at the least little thing and doesn't cope well when something goes wrong. Things do sometimes go wrong and I feel he needs guidance on how to deal with these things rather than the easy way out of not having to face these issues at all.

When DS and I play I do sometimes let him win and other times he wins of his own accord.

We're just about to play another game and I will let him win this one although he normally beats me anyway!

I know it's only a game but, to me, it's the bigger picture.

I'm posting because I got a bit upset earlier thinking I maybe was in the wrong and was a "bad" mum as he was so upset.


Plainlycrackers Sat 24-Feb-18 19:34:31

Carry on OP... letting them win all the time produces snowflakes imho

Rubyslippers7780 Sat 24-Feb-18 19:35:13

It is a valuable life lesson, not only that you can not always win. Also means there can be a rematch!
I don't believe kids should always win.. your husband is setting up all the tears and drama.

IHaveBrilloHair Sat 24-Feb-18 19:37:47

No point in playing a game if he has to win.
Either let it play out naturally or do a non competitive activity.

frasier Sat 24-Feb-18 19:39:23

Ah, we had this with one of DP's nieces when she was the only child in the family, age 6. She had to win everything, open every wrapper when playing pass the parcel (ridiculous!) etc. Her parents let her and when she went to birthday parties she was a NIGHTMARE.

She didn't do it at my house, I refused to indulge her and although we "let" her win occasionally (the odds are usually stacked against you when you're 6!) we all had our fair share of winning. She rarely minded at my place, which just shows that she was more resilient than she was being brought up to be.

You are NBU, your DH is being lazy.

Plainlycrackers Sat 24-Feb-18 19:40:37

.... learning how to lose with good grace is a much more valuable lesson than people realise, no one likes a bad loser so the sooner they learn this the better. Harsh maybe be but a tantruming 5 year old is much easier to transform than a tantruming 10 year old (or 25 year old!). My DD is v competitive which is fine so long as if she does lose, she does it with good grace.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Sat 24-Feb-18 19:44:30

Yes I agree, sore losers are a pia. Teaching your child to lose with good grace is really important.
The behaviour he's displaying when he loses at the moment is simply being fuelled by your DH letting him win.

youarenotkiddingme Sat 24-Feb-18 19:55:41


My friend was like this with her youngest because she couldn't stand not winning.

She'd expect her to 'win' every time and for us all to facilitate this. Explaining 'well she is the youngest'

Except she was only 18 months younger than her sister and 8 months younger than my ds.

But apparently her being youngest trumped my ds being autistic and part of his disability is a absolute need to follow rules to the letter.

When I stopped agreeing to them playing my board games (after she threw all the pieces as she wasn't winning after everyone had a first go) she then said I was ruining her dd fun and being unkind as 'she's only little'

She was 8yo at this point shock

Springtrolls Sat 24-Feb-18 20:00:06

Life isn't fair and not everyone can be winners. What lesson does it teach when they also win, what happens when they go to school, the whole class cannot win.
Whether you win or lose, it should be with good grace.

Glumglowworm Sat 24-Feb-18 20:23:36

I imagine many 5 year olds get upset at losing. But learning to lose graciously is a life skill. Not just as a child playing games or sports, but as an adult for example going for a promotion against someone you know and they get it over you.

Your DH is doing your DS no favours by letting him win all the time. I think a balanced approach is best, especially for games of skill. It’s demotivating to lose all the time, especially for a child. So yes to letting them win sometimes especially when they’re little.

I have fond memories of my dad teaching me card games, chess, monopoly etc. He always says he never let me win (I suspect he probably did let me win in the beginning but not once I knew how to play properly), so when I did win it meant more.

exitbreak Sat 24-Feb-18 20:24:43

That has been my thoughts and why I've been the way I have been. I'm the bad guy and DH does things for an easy life but I think will make things harder in the long run.

PopGoesTheWeaz Sat 24-Feb-18 20:30:41

Maybe look in to cooperative games? I can't think of one off the top of my head for that young, but we play Forbidden Island together and everyone works together to win (or lose) which diffuses the the losing.

Bufferingkisses Sat 24-Feb-18 22:06:44

Losing or helping whilst a game is learnt is good. Taking it easy when you can see they've got it and are really working at something they've learnt is good. Allowing winning no matter what is unhealthy. Losing with grace and using that loss to build and improve is life.

Obviously obsessively beating a 5yo at poker or backgammon (or similar) over and over crosses a line grin

flamingnoravera Sat 24-Feb-18 22:13:46

When teaching a child a new game I always let them win so that they will want to play again. Once the game is learned I let them win about 60% of the time but make sure that I also win sometimes so they can learn to lose gracefully. With difficult or more grown up games I suggest we play together, so we work on good solution for their moves and I do my own and sometimes I let mine (FCs) win and sometimes not.
Alternate, don't play competitively yourself, they can't compete with you on an equal footing and make sure they win frequently enough to keep them wanting to play.

NordicNobody Sat 24-Feb-18 22:27:47

You are so not bu! I've worked with kids who can't lose games - no one at school plays with them. A few are so bad they have to go to special "learning how to lose at games" lessons (though in fairness many have additional needs). Your dh is doing your son a huge disservice by letting him win to spare a tantrum - he'll find it so hard to adapt at school if you do that!

NordicNobody Sat 24-Feb-18 22:30:17

As a caveat, if it's a game of skill I'd probably let him play on your "team" so it's a fairer fight, but games of luck (like snakes and ladders for example) should just be played as is, no "oops, why not just keep rolling the dice until you get the winning number".

timeisnotaline Sat 24-Feb-18 22:34:05

My dad never let us win scrabble. When we started winning was such an achievement! We all still play to the death grin. I do let my two year old win things like running races, but he can win games like scrabble on his own (or much sooner by getting help from someone).

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