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To be hacked off for DH

(20 Posts)
Eggzandbacon Fri 23-Feb-18 22:37:39

DH got a text inviting him to a family party tonight, late.
We can't go, it's next weekend and he flies away with work Friday (which was only finalised this afternoon as well - this now can't be changed, other people flying from other countries involved too).
If we had know he would have changed dates.

So he gets text - can you come to blah blah next weekend.
DH texts straight back - I'm abroad etc
Relative - I can't believe you aren't coming - it's so disappointing you are literally the only people not coming.

To put some context here - we live 5 hours away from DHs home town. Everyone else going is local.
I think we are literally the last to be asked.

Either they didn't want us to come or think we have a magical time portal just to get us there.
They literally think it takes zero effort. No one offers us places to stay etc.

I half suspect person involved has done it to stop us attending and then can bad mouth us. Waiting until the last moment they can to invite us to make it most difficult.

I 100% know this has been planned, it won't be a last minute thing. I'd even guess it's been planned since xmas.

DH is upset. He likes to go to family things but it's really hard especially in term time and he works LONG hours. We can't 'pop' up.

I'm hacked off for him. Stuff like this makes me never ever want to go as we always get comments 'so disappointed you weren't at so and so's anniversary do etc'.
We always look like the bad ones every....single...time...

Just want to scream!

gamerchick Fri 23-Feb-18 22:40:38

Could you step in with a message of your own? I know it’s usually let them deal with their own families but I don’t see what’s wrong sticking up for your dude now and then tbh.

ChasedByBees Fri 23-Feb-18 22:41:05

I would reply saying that had you had more notice you would have loved to come.

They must be fun sending that guilt trip when you’re going to be out of the country. They must know that is not going to be possible.

ChasedByBees Fri 23-Feb-18 22:41:23

Fun = dim

gamerchick Fri 23-Feb-18 22:42:21

Or you could ask for an advance Calendar or upcoming events for the year please so this can’t happen again and any deviation with little notice is an ‘ah well we have x date so tough noogies’ type of thing.

50sQueen Fri 23-Feb-18 22:45:54

We live away from families and it's amazing how they just don't consider the distance. We are 2 hours away from husbands family and only tonight he got a call from one of them to ask if he could just pop round and help with moving things round whilst whilst carpets laid. No he can't at short notice and 2 hours each way isn't popping round it's nearly a whole day.

Eggzandbacon Fri 23-Feb-18 22:46:01

DH is from a BIG family so it's hard to know what's coming up - we just don't remember - there is bloody millions of them.

The person involved- long history - they are a dick. It took DH a long time to see it but now full understands.

Some family members are just clueless. Messages on Sunday asking if we can 'come out for tea on Wednesday' - sure... I need to give the jet a quick hoover before we set off but that's fine!

WheresTheHooferDoofer Fri 23-Feb-18 22:47:11

Yes, if you can a message to someone other than this particular relative, they may be able to counter any badmouthing this relative tries on. "Sorry, would have loved to be there, but we only got the invite on X date and DH has a work trip abroad so no can do."

UpstartCrow Fri 23-Feb-18 22:48:50

Yanbu. Sometimes the best thing you can do is leave home, get some distance, and start your own family. One that doesn't treat any of its members like crap.

lottiegarbanzo Fri 23-Feb-18 22:53:19

I think the only thing to be done is a 'killing with kindness' approach. For him to send a card to whoever is relevant, saying 'so sorry not to be able to join you. We'd so love to have come but it just wasn't possible with so little notice. Do let us know earlier next time and we'll do everything we can to arrange things so we can make it'.

Kind of showing care and good intent but getting the 'only one week's notice' bit in writing, in case they try to mis-represent it later, or to other people.

bretonknickers Fri 23-Feb-18 22:59:19

One weeks notice to a party 5 hours away and they don't bother to offer to put you up then moan that DH is working away and can't make it?
They sound delusional and hard work

LuluJakey1 Fri 23-Feb-18 23:05:35

I can't believe someone has suggested you ask for an advance calander notice of upcoming events for a year from his family. If I asked DH's family for that they would die laughing. Pompous or what! I agree you need more notice but a calander for a year planned out is a bit much.

frasier Fri 23-Feb-18 23:12:00

We always did the travelling, even when we were broke students and a train fare could have been spent so much better. As the rest of DH's family all lived close together and we had moved away, it didn't occur to anyone that it was an expense and a great effort for us to travel hundreds of miles to see them.

And that was our mistake.

When we started saying no to the smaller get togethers because it just wasn't worth the time or expense, we were suddenly the bad guys. Know what? I EMBRACED being the bad guy and actually asked myself did I want to go, rather than feeling I had to because it was DH's family. And no, I didn't! Not only that, when I stopped going, DH lasted 2 trips without me and stopped going also.

Silly people. Should never have complained about us.

Ignore them and their passive aggressive emotional blackmail OP.

GabsAlot Fri 23-Feb-18 23:12:18

how u supposed to drop everything for a party regardless of where it is

some people are jus dickheads-i would message another family memeber like a pp said and say how you would have loved to come but cant do anything on short notice

Eltonjohnssyrup Fri 23-Feb-18 23:14:25

I think you’re reading too much into it. I would read that text as expressing disappointment you weren’t coming rather than having a go. You can’t really respond to a ‘We can’t come text’ with ‘That’s great, we didn’t want you to come anyway’ can you? You always say something like the text you had, along the lines of ‘That’s a shame, so sad you’re not coming’.

May be poorly worded but wouldn’t read too much into it.

TwentySmackeroos Fri 23-Feb-18 23:18:29

'Yes, it's a real pity we can't make it. DH will be away so no can do, but next time, a bit more notice would really help.'

category12 Fri 23-Feb-18 23:45:12

If DH likes to go to family things, he needs to make the effort to remember dates that might be important to them and keep in touch more so he hears about them. I just think it's a bit rich feeling left out and whatnot, when in the net breath you say there's loads of them & you just don't remember confused.

Bowerbird5 Sat 24-Feb-18 02:30:26

Is there enough time to send a massive card to the person? I would send a lovely large card and say how you wish them well and wish you could be there to join them but DH is away in ? Country and disappointed that he and the family can't be there to offer congratulations personally. You could put a voucher in it. Then address it to venue so make sure it is read out on the day!

Italiangreyhound Sat 24-Feb-18 03:01:06

@Eggzandbacon can you be honest and say that your dh is very disappointed that he cannot go and that you are upset to be told so late?

Agree with @gamerchick "Or you could ask for an advance Calendar or upcoming events for the year please so this can’t happen again"

Obviously you cannot ask for events not yet planned but if this is literally every family member of a big family it will have been planned for weeks, so if everyone else got weeks of notice, so should you.

Eggzandbacon Sat 24-Feb-18 07:14:40

No one is going to give us a calendar, honestly.

This party could have happened on one of 2 weekends - we'd never be able to plan anything ourselves if we held off for each date.

Sometimes the invites are badly thought and just daft. There's often things on Friday nights which are also impossible with school.

However the person who has done this is a dickhead. So I am reading stuff into it. 25 years of this shit from them.

They will however be expecting a big present from DH though. They don't want his company but certainly want his cash.

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