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To feel resentful of dh trip away

(123 Posts)
Introvertpants Fri 23-Feb-18 17:55:46

Dh and his friends decided a few months ago they were going to book three days away abroad.
I wasn't happy about this because we have just moved house and had and still have a lot of work to fork out for.
I made my feelings clear to dh even if I was bu I couldn't hide my feelings.
I am also annoyed because if at the time I had suggeted we go away together he would have said let's do it in future when finances are better. Which would have been reasonable.
Anyway because I moaned dh family gave him the money for the hotel as a gift so off he goes.
I will admit I'm jealous. We very rarely get to go away together or as a family and it feels like without any strings he just gets to do what he likes. Meanwhile I am here having to cook and clean as usual. Nothing changes for me. I'm bored.
All over Facebook dh had been posting pics of the trip and texting to say what he's up to. He's been drinking all day and no doubt will be drinking all night for the next few days.
I guess i am u but I'm jealous, resentful and I am trying to hide my feelings about it but he knows I'm pissed.
He's not done anything wrong. I just can't believe how easy it is for him and how hard it is for me.
If I were to book a trip away for three nights it would eat up the family money and I wouldn't do that because I have the house and us to prioritise.
I'm just feeling a bit sad and like I'm missing out on freedom. Someone kick me up the arse.

Whatwouldkeithrichardsdo Fri 23-Feb-18 19:12:10

You need to have something for yourself. Whatever it is and whatever your budget can afford. When your DH is home it's your turn.

Oblomov18 Fri 23-Feb-18 19:12:28

I think YABU. His parents paid for the trip, so you have no quibbles about money. Time away is not unreasonable if you only go away occasionally.

MyBrilliantDisguise Fri 23-Feb-18 19:15:21

Drinking for three days running doesn't come cheap, even if his parents have paid for the hotel.

I wonder what his reaction would be if you were to do the same?

Introvertpants Fri 23-Feb-18 19:16:20

I guess i feel this way because we haven't had a weekend away together for years and all of a sudden him and his pals are away on a three day trip just like that.
I just feel a bit cooped up. Actually I have the opportunity of a night out tomorrow with friends but my mum is watching dd while I'm at work and it would be too much to ask if she would watch her overnight. My mum doesn't keep well and dd gets bored there so would be selfish of me to go.
I just feel a bit tied to the kitchen sink.

LipstickHandbagCoffee Fri 23-Feb-18 19:16:30

Hmm.but his trip isn’t depleting your joint monies,it was paid for separately by his folks
He’s an adult if he wants to go away he doesn’t need your permission
If you have kids he does need to negotiate,check you’ll manage it all solo
But if no kids,well no he doesn’t need to negotiate with you
Why are you feeling so dejected is anything else going on?

Iloveacurry Fri 23-Feb-18 19:16:36

I’d be pissed off too. Make sure you book something with your friends too.

TheyBuiltThePyramids Fri 23-Feb-18 19:18:14

His parents might have paid, but OP doesn't get the opportunity to do the same! Of course it's unfair.

LipstickHandbagCoffee Fri 23-Feb-18 19:18:20

Ok I see you have dd,in that case he needs to see if you’re ok doing it all solo
And if you’re not ok then he needs to amend plans and not leave you run ragged
Sorry your mum isn’t keeping good heath, will that resolve?

VladmirsPoutine Fri 23-Feb-18 19:19:40

Do you have children?

I'm trying to understand why you said:

He's not done anything wrong. I just can't believe how easy it is for him and how hard it is for me.

Why is it hard for you? Is it because you resent spending a bit of money on yourself or because you have a school-aged child in need of a new uniform or something?

MyBrilliantDisguise Fri 23-Feb-18 19:20:09

Quite honestly if my son asked for the money to go on a jolly with his mates when he and his wife hadn't been away for a long time, I'd have a sharp word with him and wouldn't give him a penny.

VladmirsPoutine Fri 23-Feb-18 19:20:44

x/post - I see you have a daughter.

Then the question becomes - does he do his bit as a parent and husband?

Introvertpants Fri 23-Feb-18 19:21:58

I don't think dh would bother if I said I was going away with friends either confused
But I guess he has a better social life than me so he wouldn't have felt like he was missing out.
He does work very hard so he does deserve some time away but then i work hard too and I don't get to book flights and go jollys without my family.
I'm ridiculous but I can't bare to talk to him right now. I'm responding to texts but I'm not going into detail because I just feel so annoyed. I'm sat at home fed up and he's out till all hours on holiday.
I'm a bitter jealous cow.

Twogoround Fri 23-Feb-18 19:24:22

Ask his parents to babysit. Or have your daughter over night.

MatildaTheCat Fri 23-Feb-18 19:24:34

Plan something of your own. Dh always has done trips for his hobby (only saying that to annoy people, it’s golf! grin ).For years I didn’t have an equal treat and then I just decided that I would. Ever since my friend and I have an annual city break. Initially done on a shoestring and gradually done more comfortably over the years.

Don’t just stew and be resentful, find a way to plan your own mini break. It doesn’t have to cost the earth and it’s fine to spend family money on yourself sometimes.

Introvertpants Fri 23-Feb-18 19:25:14

It's hard for me because I don't have the money to go on holiday. I also have a school age child to think about getting to school and it's not as easy for me to get time off work. It just seems he decides me and my pals are going on holiday and boom it's booked. Its easy for him because I'm here for childcare. His parents gave him the money and his work are good with time off.

Oblomov18 Fri 23-Feb-18 19:25:21

I don't understand your resentment. Go out with your friends! I go out with mine, and away for the weekend, and I would resent being told that I couldn't.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Fri 23-Feb-18 19:30:47

I don’t understand your resentment either. He’s only away for 3 nights. His parents have paid so it’s not coming out of your family budget. Your DH is happy for you to go away. I don’t get it.

LipstickHandbagCoffee Fri 23-Feb-18 19:31:14

No he hasn’t done anything wrong.and you need to go away even if it’s a boxset and stay at mates house
But no as an adult I’d not want to see my dp big mopey face in huff I’d gone away

House4 Fri 23-Feb-18 19:37:23

I get it!
You need to plan something for yourself. Do it tonight to cheer yourself up.
Can you stay at a friends house or your parents house one night? Even for cinema, meal and shopping - whatever interests you and is cheap!
Just plan something, even just a daytime thing.

Flupi Fri 23-Feb-18 19:37:55

I do understand how you’re feeling. He can just drop everything and go. For you to go, you’ll have to fund it yourself, find and organise child care, probably organise food, washing etc. It’s all very well his parents giving him money, but that’s actually a bit divisive - . I should plan something for yourself to do now, while he’s away, and then when he comes back present him with the plan. “ I’m going to Verona in May with my Mum/sister/friend “ type thing. Next October we’ll go together to the Lake District- whatever. Just plan and do it now, because he’s probably feeling a bit guilty.

LipstickHandbagCoffee Fri 23-Feb-18 19:41:27

Why will she have to find & fund childcare?hes resident parent he can step in
Djshwashing,laundry,he should already be doing it?no special planning reqd
Unless op has convinced herself it’ll all go to pot in her female absence

ThroughThickAndThin01 Fri 23-Feb-18 19:42:18

as an adult I’d not want to see my dp big mopey face in huff I’d gone away grin, I quite agree, me neither.

mumonashoestring Fri 23-Feb-18 19:45:43

I don't understand how anyone can do that tbh. We don't have the spare funds for either of us to bugger off on a little jolly with our special friends, and if the money did become available we'd sit and talk about how both of us could have some downtime - as an example last year I didn't go to a Uni reunion that would have cost around £400-500 all in, DH didn't go to a huge hobby convention that would have cost about the same overall. I had 2 nights away in a hotel and went to visit a friend for around £200ish, DH spent about the same going to Scotland for a couple of nights with friends.

I'm guessing the OP doesn't have the spare money sitting around for a 'revenge' trip - the fact that the money for the husband's trip had to come from someone else should have made him think seriously about his priorities.

Introvertpants Fri 23-Feb-18 19:45:47

I know I'm unreasonable and I hate feeling like this but I just do.
I wish I could have waved him off with a kiss saying have fun you deserve It! But I just think well it's ok for you to have your freedom, meanwhile I'm doing dishes and washing and homework.
It's stupid I know. I'm also not used to being without him overnight and I'm like a fish out of water.
I think it makes me realise how restrictive my life is with work, money, childcare, house jobs and lack of friends that want to do anything spontaneous.
Work night out tomorrow and I can't go because mum will struggle and it's not fair. I don't ask his parents because they are step parents and have never offered.

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