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To be upset with Dh?

(70 Posts)
NameAndNappyChanger Fri 23-Feb-18 09:15:19

He's just quit his fucking job.
Without saying a word to me - because he's been offered another one. But this one is a 50% paycut (less hours, too, which I empathise with, I know he's overworked) but now it's going to be bloody tight to get everything done. If he'd talked to me we could've prepared at least by saving and paying off a few bills in bulk rather than month to month, or I could've helped him find something that wasn't so much of a salary drop... but we don't have those options now.
I'm really upset he didn't talk to me. Aibu?

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira Fri 23-Feb-18 09:16:18

YANBU. At all.

WTFIsThisVirus Fri 23-Feb-18 09:17:54

YANBU. If DP had done that to me, I would be furious.

NameAndNappyChanger Fri 23-Feb-18 09:23:02

Thanks I'm just really upset and a bit worried.
I know I can make it all stretch (I manage the family finances anyway) but I'm just... I don't know. I feel so powerless and upset that he's made such a big decision without consulting me! And I have next to no warning. I'll have to cut down our phone bills and TV package. Which isn't instant of course (normally four weeks notice required) Meal planning etc will be down to me. But he's essentially saddled me with this (as the finances are my forte) without so much as an advance word!!
For fucks sake...

Rinoachicken Fri 23-Feb-18 09:24:40

Are you sure he wasn’t let go and just doesn’t want to say?

NameAndNappyChanger Fri 23-Feb-18 09:25:58

I'm sure he wasn't let go.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag Fri 23-Feb-18 09:26:39

Yanbu, but, giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming he isn’t generally feckless, he must have been utterly desperate to accept that sort of salary drop. I’ve been in horribly stressful jobs before, one of which I quit without telling Dh or even having another job lined up blush. Tbh I didn’t even plan to quit that day, I just snapped! Luckily Dh knew how bad things had been, was obviously miffed, but understood.

LizzieSiddal Fri 23-Feb-18 09:28:50

I’d be furious too but has he been talking about how stressful his job is at the moment? Maybe he’s just at the end of his tether.

martellandginger Fri 23-Feb-18 09:30:00

Can you take on more hours? maybe evening work?

I'm guessing the job was really rough if he's just quit. It would also worry me that you didn't know he was on the brink of this.

SleepingStandingUp Fri 23-Feb-18 09:32:48

How many hours has he stopped from /to? Not sure why the responsibility is on OP to do extra hours martellandginger
If you do all the finance is he generally unaware of the cost of living / the impact? I think you need to sit together and draw up a budget

Handsfull13 Fri 23-Feb-18 09:35:07

It's fine if he was unhappy to leave his job but it's not ok to not talk to you about it so you could prepare. There isn't much you can do about it now.

I would sit him down and tell him your happy to deal with the financial dealings of your household but as you didn't get any warning about the reduced income you need his help to work out what you need to cut back on.
Then talk him through the entire finances of what goes in and out, it's time consuming but you'll only have to do it once. It's just to give him the reality check of how his decision has effected for all of you.

gamerchick Fri 23-Feb-18 09:36:57

Why are you responsible for clearing up his mess? confused

Stick all the finances in writing, put them in front of them and tell him to work it out. I’d go fucking nuts in your shoes.

Birdsgottafly Fri 23-Feb-18 09:37:26

If you're really upset that he didn't talk to you, then talk to him, but more importantly listen.

He'll be generally condemned on here, but he mat have been desperate and on the verge of a breakdown.

I'd adopt a gentle approach and if he's doing less hours, perhaps get him more involved with the running of the household.

Allthewaves Fri 23-Feb-18 09:39:15

Perhaps he was worried you would talk him out if it

gamerchick Fri 23-Feb-18 09:40:58

He'll be generally condemned on here, but he mat have been desperate and on the verge of a breakdown

No! Desperate should come in the form of a conversation first, desperate doesn’t come out of the blue. It’s a planning thing with an end in sight and major planning to take a drop in money.

You don’t just quit and expect your partner to suck it up as well as sort how you’re going to live out.

SleepingStandingUp Fri 23-Feb-18 09:43:05

Also if he's applied for and got another job then he's had the presence of mind to plan. It would annoy me he didn't at least trek me when he got the interview

BarbarianMum Fri 23-Feb-18 09:43:58

What would you have said if he had talked to you about it? Would you have been sympathetic, or would you have expected him to struggle on whilst you found the "perfect" job for him? Does he have form for ths, or has he always brought in a steady wage?

There is nothing to stop him looking for better paid work whilst he does this new job.

Birdsgottafly Fri 23-Feb-18 09:47:19

gamerchick I appreciate what you're saying, but only the OP knows how bad its been.

People have breakdowns and commit suicide everyday and its cones as a shock to those close to them.

It should be discussed first, but we don't know if he had been trying to and he wasn't been taken seriously.

NameAndNappyChanger Fri 23-Feb-18 09:47:42

I can't work extra hours, as I don't work at all.
That's because we have an 8 week old baby and 3 older kids (all under 8) the cost of childcare means it's not worth working until all kids are at school then I'll find something casual to fit around that.

I do sort the finances so it will fall to me to fix - that's because I'm better at it and it works better that way. He does have input and a role in it, but I'm the one who works everything out I do the meal planning general budgeting, taking the kids out and deciding where we go what gets spent and such.
He could've spoken to me and I've always been there for him to speak to. I've tried talking to him about it but as far as he's concerned I'm U to want to discuss it and we'll "Get through it" and it's done now (his words)

He's dropping from 48 hrs split over 6 days to 25hrs split over 3 with the choice of overtime on some weeks but some weeks there won't be any available. It's going to be tight.

SleepingStandingUp Fri 23-Feb-18 09:50:07

Could HE get something casual to make up 10-12 hours?

Have you checked what benefits you're entitled to? He might still earn too much but worth checking out tax credits

NameAndNappyChanger Fri 23-Feb-18 09:50:39

I have always been sympathetic to his issues at work, he has said little to me though (and I always ask how he's doing at work). If he had said something to me no I would've have expected him to hang on until the perfect job came along but at least 1-2 months notice for such a drastic drop would've been nice.

YellowMakesMeSmile Fri 23-Feb-18 09:51:57

I have a friend that did this, they had told their partner how unhappy they were but the partner wasn't listening.

For the sake of their own mental health they did this, cut their hours and responsibilities and could still pay their half of the bills so it meant less frivolous items but much better mental health.

Perhaps he didn't tell you as he's tried before and been told to stick it out. The comment that you could have found him something else is very telling, he's a grown man and can find his own job. He's not a child.

Without his side of the story it's hard to tell if he was being unreasonable, if he can still meet his share of the financial obligations etc.

However on MN the man will be in the wrong, whilst it's fine for a woman to unilaterally decide not to work or go part time etc.

BarbarianMum Fri 23-Feb-18 09:52:07

OK so the upside is that he'll be home more and can takd on more childcare/housework. Will his days be predictable? If so, he or you could look for a second part-time job to fit round the first. Working 6 days a week does sound zhot so I'm not surprised he wanted that to stop.

NameAndNappyChanger Fri 23-Feb-18 09:52:29

We're not entitled to benefits, as we do not live in the UK.
We may be entitled to a larger tax rebate (haven't crunched the numbers yet as his earnings thus far in the tax year will effect it also) but not any week to week income top ups/benefits unfortunately.

BarbarianMum Fri 23-Feb-18 09:52:55

Zhot = shit

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