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To be utterly self indulgent sometimes?

(36 Posts)
Fuckthisforsoldiers Fri 23-Feb-18 00:52:47

So I have a daughter who’s 16 sen who’s really done well this year and on track to get 5+ grades in her GCSEs ( to us dinosaurs that’s all c’s and b’s) after some real rough times where I’ve had to get help from ss and police. She’s blossomed onto a young woman I would never have dreamed could exist 2 years ago when she was threatening to kill me because I’d taken her phone away. I have also inherited an 18 yr old boy who’s father had a mental breakdown and tried to kill him, said boy has eating disorder and anxiety, he qualifies for a council property but I genuinely believe he benefits from family life and is so welcome in my home and is a gentle and kind young man . I have my youngest ds who is 9 months and is a 4am riser, happy and gorgeous but a real challenge to ‘keep alive’ since he’s so adventurous and hyper. Dp is a lovely gentle soul but not much help around the home as he seems to miss the point of domestic tasks and has no babydar so can sleep through ds at any time of the day. I have a modest but clean, organised home and we eat well. I think I’m a good parent, however on average twice a week I drink about a bottle of wine( over several hours always hear the baby) and smoke a joint and either listen to an album or watch a film. This usually can only occur after about 11pm when everyone else is asleep and occasionally I will run a bath and lay in it sipping wine by candles ( sometimes getting a bit cold by the time I’m out) have been known to attack a packet of Doritos with melted cheese then drag ds to the health club the next day to demolish guilt. I always feel guilty for this sort of indulgence should I?

BoomBoomsCousin Fri 23-Feb-18 00:58:00

On the surface, no YANBU to indulge yourself from time to time.

But what I read is that you feel a bit hemmed in by your responsibilities (despite the blessings you have) and the lack of help and these are less indulgences than a way of escaping from your life. In which case you still aren't BU, but you might be wise to look at ways to relieve the burdens you have rather than escaping from them. Because binge drinking twice a week is not ideal in the long term.

VladmirsPoutine Fri 23-Feb-18 01:06:56

Really?

VladmirsPoutine Fri 23-Feb-18 01:09:09

You want people to tell you that it's ok that you drink a bottle or two of wine at night and smoke a joint whilst you have a baby that rises at 4am, and another two children with emotional and mental health issues. And you want this to be considered as 'occasional indulgence'.

FreeNiki Fri 23-Feb-18 01:12:01

Hell no!

Enjoy! wine

FreeNiki Fri 23-Feb-18 01:13:19

Hit post too soon.

The foot note Meant sardonically was meant to be on there

SleepingStandingUp Fri 23-Feb-18 01:17:42

I'd be concerned at 11 pm you are drinking a bottle of wine a.d smoking a joint which will take a while and you are then getting up at 4 am with the baby. And this is happening regularly twice a week. Partly from child supervision perspective but secondly because it sounds like you need a lot to wind down, understandably, but this doesn't seem the healthiest way of doing it. Even from a sleep point of view that's twice a week you're getting literally a few hours sleep max and then having a huge physical and mental load

Fuckthisforsoldiers Fri 23-Feb-18 01:18:22

Yes it’s absolutely escapism. I love my family so much and they are a joy but I feel the pressure all the time to be a certain type of person for them. It’s so difficult when your baby is stumbling around trying to walk (gaining bruises) when your teen is talking to you about gcse questions and hair/ make up/ kardashians and finally the house goes quiet. I’ve always enjoyed a ‘buzz’ as a young person partied hard. but as an adult with a limited social circle, what’s the difference between ‘wine o’clock’ And getting a bit messy? I know it’d Be better to find a healthier outlet but I’m hopeless socially and couldn’t get out anyway as I dearly love my household but I really wouldn’t leave my baby with my teens or partner. Perhaps I should start a knitting circle or something (can’t knit, no friends) which is why it’s a Stones album I guess?

Fuckthisforsoldiers Fri 23-Feb-18 01:24:07

Freeniki- clutching at straws ... did you say it was ok?

SleepingStandingUp Fri 23-Feb-18 01:34:43

Well I think you need to work on trusting your partner to care for his own child. If its anxiety on your behalf, speak to someone, look into counselling. If its incompetence on his behalf, trek him he needs to learn

VladmirsPoutine Fri 23-Feb-18 01:37:37

This whole thing sounds incredibly odd.

Fuckthisforsoldiers Fri 23-Feb-18 01:50:45

Does it Vladimirs?is it really that difficult to accept that a reasonably competent parent has a vice? That you can stumble through parenthood without being whiter than the driven snow? Because In the small circle of friends I have I’d say half of them were more depressed than me and half of them were heavier drinkers/smokers and they seem to be producing good, healthy kids. The question I was asking was whether my particular level of shitness was especially bad or if I was managing to reach some sort of balance. Willing to be told otherwise, take advice but won’t accept that in today’s modern world that a cheeky spliff or a couple glasses of wine and some music made me some sort of monster. I repeat, the kids in my care are nurtured in every way.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Fri 23-Feb-18 02:02:00

A couple of glasses of wine and a record is fine.

An entire bottle of wine and a spliff is not ok while there are children in your care. If you would be too out of it to drive in an emergency you’re having too much.

Wine o’clock is a glass or two (literally) at the end of the day and you’re still in bed at a reasonable hour.

If you’re only starting at 11pm what time can you possibly be getting to sleep?

Thing is, you can indulge all you like when your children are grown. I know that’s much longer for you as you have a small baby and a 16 year old but they were your choices. You can’t go back to your partying lifestyle until they’re all self-sufficient.

This advice comes from a former party girl as it goes. Loved a bottle of red or more all too often. It stopped when I had kids.

Keep the Doritos though. wink

VladmirsPoutine Fri 23-Feb-18 02:08:14

Righto. A bottle of wine and a spliff is entirely fine when you have to be up at 4am. And also guide two growing adults that sound incredibly mentally and emotionally vulnerable. Crack on wine

VladmirsPoutine Fri 23-Feb-18 02:10:14

And you seem to have only joined MN this week? That's fine. But what are you really asking for here? What can anyone say here? That you have it a great life and to continue as you are? I don't think even you know what you want.

Fuckthisforsoldiers Fri 23-Feb-18 02:12:28

Iwasjustabouttosaythat thank you this was the most helpful comment. So it’s a case of moderating my little ‘party hours’ a bit less booze and the snacks are all good ( thank god) i had my suspicions that I was over indulging but the actual indulgence was okay. So half a bottle ( 2 big glasses, and the music and crisps is fine) I think I will still get my ‘chill out’ but less of the guilt . Half my trouble with moderation is being a ‘nun’ half my life and a ‘party girl’ the other. Thank you 😊

HuskyMcClusky Fri 23-Feb-18 02:12:44

If you drink a whole bottle of wine starting at 11pm, you’re surely half-cut when the baby wakes up 5 hours later?!

HuskyMcClusky Fri 23-Feb-18 02:14:09

Also - your partner can’t do household stuff OR look after the baby? What a keeper. hmm

stolemyusername Fri 23-Feb-18 02:17:08

Drink less wine and ditch the smoke altogether. A 4am wake up with a small baby and still being in the fog of alcohol and weed is not a good idea.

Unfortunately, you aren't a 'party girl' anymore. Time to grow up a bit and moderate yourself. Also tell the DP to pull his finger out, there's no excuses for not pulling his weight as he is also a grown up now!

Fuckthisforsoldiers Fri 23-Feb-18 02:19:24

Yes husky . He is quite fit and has a big knob - rough with the smooth...

BoomBoomsCousin Fri 23-Feb-18 02:23:45

There are lots of concerns about this sort of drinking long term.

That it increases - your 16 year old will leave home and your baby will be in school and you start to add in another evening, then you have a glass at lunch too. Then you're sneaking a drink in the afternoon, etc.

That it will make you more depressed about your situation. Alcohol tends to make things worse over time, not better. Especially if you are getting less sleep than you need to fit in the drinking. Some other form of activity, especially a social one so you build up that network of friends you seem to realise you don't have, would probably be far better for this.

Health concerns - 18 units a week isn't too bad (if this is all you drink) but in two binge sessions, it's not great. You probably won't feel the impact for years, but eventually it's likely to catch up.

You probably aren't doing worse than a large number of parents in terms of how much you're drinking/smoking, but I would think you're in the highest 25%. And you describe a couple of issues (like not feeling you can leave your DC with your DP) that are concerning and which this does nothing at all to fix.

BoomBoomsCousin Fri 23-Feb-18 02:25:24

Sorry, I see you've already taken all that onboard.

1forAll74 Fri 23-Feb-18 02:31:35

An oldie writing here Soldiers. I love the way you have written in such a lovely way about your family, despite all that you have to do, and you should never feel guilty about your little wind down pleasures.. its the best thing to do for some inner peace and quiet after a hectic day.

SlummyMummy1974 Fri 23-Feb-18 02:38:24

Well I don’t think the answer to the question you’ve actually asked is what you need. I think you know the answer. I think perhaps you are reaching out for some help and support (but I could be wrong!). As a mum to 3, I actually don’t drink. I did used to be a party girl in my younger days like you however. Many of my mum friends like to get the kids in bed and sit and have a glass of wine around 7.30pm. This is fine. This is normal even. Personally I never drank because I could guarantee if I did, one of the kids would get sick and I’d have to fork out for taxis to the out of hours doctors! Maybe if you’d like a glass or two you could arrange for your OH to drive if necessary. Smoking a spliff, sorry but as a parent, it’s not good. I know everyone has their own views of a bit of pot but no, your baby is only 9 months old and you have teenagers in the house. You HAVE to set a good example, and that’s not the type of responsibility you can run away from. A few snacks, the occasional early glass of wine, so nothing affects your sleep or ability to parent in an emergency is fine - especially as you say you can’t trust your OH or teenagers to look after the baby. You also need to not brush off the fact you don’t trust your OH. You need to either let go and just leave him to it, or teach him to do more and help out. You absolutely sound like you need some good friends and to get out of the house. So OH needs to learn how to look after his offspring, even if it’s just for a few hours. Find some kind of mother’s group locally, it may sound a bit naff but that’s where I met my best friend who is my lifesaver and support. Open yourself to friendship and trust. You seem to have trust issues so I’d get some counselling for that. I’d also speak to your Health Visitor. The main thing is that you are showing signs of depression, and you need to go and see your doctor. It sounds like you NEED the escapism and relief getting drunk and high gives you. If you are well balanced and happy, you wouldn’t need that. I have severe depression and also BPD and I now have to take meds every day to keep me on an even keel. And I’ve never been happier. It’s more deep rooted than people are seeing and you are making out. You need help and you need support. Please reach out and get the help you need.

ragmayo Fri 23-Feb-18 04:38:21

@Fuckthisforsoldiers I think you've done amazing with all you've coped with. Personally I think you are sensible to look out for yourself and your mental health and well being. No one's being neglected but you get to wind down🙂

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