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to abandon my “friend” in her deepest hour of need?

(150 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Thu 22-Feb-18 21:56:28

To cut the story short, we both were academics when young, we both became SAHMs when our children were born, we both split from our exes when our children were young and we both had found it very difficult to get back to our previous careers.

After the split, and due to our low income, we both ended in receipt of tax credits. I saw tax credits as something that I should move on from as quickly as I could, just a bit of help to get back on my feet while I was raising a child alone with a low income. I have worked and continue to work very hard and very often long hours to try to stop this dependance on tax credits.

She saw tax credits as her right, choose to work from home in sporadic jobs and rely on tax credits, child maintenance and house benefit fully as her most important regular income.

Over the years she has been belittling the admin jobs I have taken, saying that she wouldn’t lower herself to do “such kind of shit and bad paid jobs”.

But now, with her children over 18, her tax credits, child maintenance and other benefits have come to an end. Naturally, she is struggling, feels the state took advantage of her by “using her while she was a mother and discarding her as dirt now that her children are adults”. She is still the entitled git that can complain about the lack of money, the unfairness with benefits and other stuff but she still refuses to get a proper job and insists in doing her shopping in Waitrose.

She complains about not being able to get the kind of job she wants, but if you try to offer her jobs she always says that she is too busy, is not convenient or doesn’t like it. She sits at home all day long but won’t pick up or return calls.

Suddenly out of the blue (as usual), she contacted me last week and asked to meet for a coffee. I said yes. She texted me earlier to say that her car has not passed the MOT last week and she has no money to sort the car, so she has no way to get to Waitrose to get food for the week, that she is terrified to be found at home without food as low temperatures are expected and she is afraid it may snow. She says I should pick her up from her house, drive her to Waitrose and we should have a coffee at the Waitrose cafe before I return her to her home. (She doesn’t even live near me).

I have said I’m too busy (I am, I have clocked 50 hrs this week and it is not even Friday!) and suggested she ordered from a supermarket online.

She has replied saying that it is too expensive for her to have her food delivered as she only needs a few fresh vegetables so can I take her to Waitrose please?

I guess I just need a rant (I’m not replying to messages anymore) How can people be so bloody entitled?

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Thu 22-Feb-18 21:57:05

Wow, that was not a short story at all..shock

ChasedByBees Thu 22-Feb-18 21:58:01

Is this real? Why would she still be shopping at Waitrose? She does know there are other cheaper supermarkets surely?

Stickerrocks Thu 22-Feb-18 21:58:56

Tell her you're shattered and there are plenty of cheap supermarkets locally which she can go to.

MyBrilliantDisguise Thu 22-Feb-18 21:59:23

Why are you still friends with her? And does she have a supermarket nearer to her than Waitrose?

HolyMountain Thu 22-Feb-18 21:59:29

Rant away and don’t drive her , however much she nags at you to.

Orlandointhewilderness Thu 22-Feb-18 22:00:19

seriously!?! cheeky fucker!

Stormwhale Thu 22-Feb-18 22:00:40

I think you have reached the end of your tether and need to walk away. This isn't good for you op, you sound angry and edging towards bitter.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Thu 22-Feb-18 22:00:40

Yes, it is for real. I’m sure if I did all my shopping at Waitrose I couldn’t afford to pay for my car’s MOT either.

But she wouldn’t lower herself to go to Asda or Aldi as food quality is important to her. angry

YellowMakesMeSmile Thu 22-Feb-18 22:01:23

I'd have ditched her a long time ago, can't abide entitled people.

Just make excuses then stop replying to her.

Scrumptiousbears Thu 22-Feb-18 22:02:21

I think our friendship would have ended a long time ago.

AndromedaPerseus Thu 22-Feb-18 22:02:57

I think you should just let her get on with it perhaps point her in the direction of the bus. It also does sound as if your friendship has run its course.

birdlover1977 Thu 22-Feb-18 22:03:30

What money does she have to live on now? If she is not working and has adult children she would only be entitled to JSA which is hardly anything. I’m surprised she can afford to shop in Waitrose.
If she was my friend I would help her if I could because well that what friends do for each other but it honestly doesn’t sound like you even ‘like’ her never mind care about her friendship.

Timefortea99 Thu 22-Feb-18 22:04:27

Bin her.

MyBrilliantDisguise Thu 22-Feb-18 22:05:31

But if someone's belittled you for your hard work and called you stupid over many years, why would you feel the need to help them just because they can't get to Waitrose?

TruthUniversallyAcknowledged6 Thu 22-Feb-18 22:06:10

She needs to learn some tough (though rather basic) life lessons sharpish! Don’t drive her!

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Thu 22-Feb-18 22:06:30

In the past I have felt sorry for her (I’m the kind of idiot that don’t let people fall) but I’m feeling like every “help” I could give her will only continue to enable her dependency onto myself and other people.

It is not that I don’t understand her situation, I had some periods in the past when the admin jobs dried up and I did my sting stacking shelves. My car died at some point and I couldn’t replace it straight away. It was not fun to carry out the shopping on a bike but I didn’t expect other people to come and ferry me around.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Thu 22-Feb-18 22:07:00

If her children are still in Education she should still be getting tax credits. If they're under 20.
Oh and try not to have a pop at those claiming tax credits. Düe to ridiculously abysmally low salaries. Some people have no choice.
I'm going to be honest. It seems like you look down your nose at her.

DarklyDreamingDexter Thu 22-Feb-18 22:07:10

She needs to wake up to the real world if she thinks shopping anywhere but Waitrose is beneath her. Don't enable her entitled behaviour OP!

FrancisCrawford Thu 22-Feb-18 22:07:25

Tell her to get the bus. Or walk.

You are busy working long hours. The last thing you need is a lazy chancer demanding to be run around like you are her personal chauffeur.

Tell her “sorry, it’s too expensive for me to drive all the way over to yours, then to Waitrose and then back again so you can save money. Plus Im very busy working. As you’ve got so much free time, why don’t you check the bus timetables and get there under your own steam”

Tistheseason17 Thu 22-Feb-18 22:08:28

Remind her that she's a grown up and to take care of herself.
And, when was she last a friend to you?

catkind Thu 22-Feb-18 22:08:28

Ha, get bus to Lidl, buy veg, get bus home, don't buy expensive coffees (or were you supposed to buy her that as well as being free taxi service?), and keep the change. Nless there's a drip feed that Waitrose is the only retailer within 20 mile radius. SheIBVU.
Even without being a mum, when I came out of academia I did shitty temp jobs for a few months. I think that helped me to get a proper job as it showed I was prepared to muck in at any level and I was able to give up to date examples of skills at interview. Even in a crappy job you're dealing with people and situations and can show workplace skills.

Trills Thu 22-Feb-18 22:10:44

But if someone's belittled you for your hard work and called you stupid over many years, why would you feel the need to help them just because they can't get to Waitrose?

If someone's belittled you and called you stupid over many years, why are you still friends with them at all?

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Thu 22-Feb-18 22:10:46

Oh and try not to have a pop at those claiming tax credits. Düe to ridiculously abysmally low salaries. Some people have no choice.

I’m one of those, thank you, but I have chosen to try to work as much as possible to reduce my dependance on them. She on the other hand, decided to live out of them and work as little as possible because she wanted to stay at home with her children.

Children are over 20 and away at university.

FrancisCrawford Thu 22-Feb-18 22:12:26

She is still the entitled git that can complain about the lack of money, the unfairness with benefits and other stuff but she still refuses to get a proper job and insists in doing her shopping in Waitrose

You have summed her up perfectly

She’s lazy, selfish and definitely not worth wasting your time over.

You know you have worked for everything in your life, so take pride in that and leave her to stew in her own bitterness about her bad choices.

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