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AIBU?

DP not buying anything for bump

320 replies

theforeignwoman · 22/02/2018 15:54

Short background story: DP and I are both in our mid twenties, I am 17 weeks pregnant. We are not super well off although not struggling at all and I have savings.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I have been buying stuff for the baby despite being told it was wayyy too early. I always wanted to be a Mum so found it hard to wait, and as DP has always wanted to be a Dad, I expected him to join in on the shopping spree but no. So far I have more or less the whole nursery ready - all the big purchases such as pram, cot, etc. are all bought or gifted to us and I have spent approx. £1000 out of my own pocket. As this is very early on, I didn't expect DP to join in on this and figured he'd be more connected after our scan at 14 weeks.

We have had our scan, but he still has not bought anything for the bump. I am now 17 weeks. We earn more or less the same although I have brought home a fair bit more than him recently, which is why I didn't mind financing the majority of things out of my own pocket. I wouldn't say he is as good with his money as I am, as he always seems to hit his overdraft during the middle of the month where I have to take over financially. This is not a problem as he has helped me out before.

I'm fine with having spent as much as I have so far, but disappointed in his lack of involvement or even gratitude. He doesn't seem to care about any of the stuff I have got for the baby at all. I gently brought it up today, if he would like to start contributing and the first thing he said was "I can't. I need to focus on my debt first. We can get the stuff later on.". I realise his debt is important and I'm happy he is doing his best to improve his finances, but AIBU to be a bit disappointed he hasn't bought a single teddy for the bump or ANYTHING at all?

Again, I'm not expecting him to spend a crazy amount of money on baby stuff as we don't even know the gender, but the guy spends money on take aways and other non essentials. If he went out and bought a plushie or anything for the baby, it'd mean the world to me but I doubt it is going to happen.

OP posts:
BumDisease · 22/02/2018 15:56

Is he showing any interest in your pregnancy at all?

Andromeida29 · 22/02/2018 15:57

I think YABU. I can understand that you're excited but I think your partner is being sensible by getting rid of the debt first. Surely you should be doing the same? You be got at least 5 months yet before you really need to get anything.

Trinity66 · 22/02/2018 15:57

It is a bit early tbf

frasier · 22/02/2018 15:57

He might not be the paternal kind. Or a shopper for that matter!

Has he had children before? Has he or someone close lost a child before? Some people can really feel jinxed by buying stuff when this happens.

(I don't really understand why you feel he has to be grateful for you buying things for the baby???)

Shoxfordian · 22/02/2018 15:58

He doesn't seem very interested
Did you both want the baby before you found you were pregnant?

moita · 22/02/2018 15:58

He sounds sensible wanting to clear his debts first. As someone who got very bad news at the 20 week scan I wouldn't buy anything that early - sorry.

SunnySeaShell · 22/02/2018 15:59

It's still early. DH never bought anything at all for our DC's, I bought everything, admittedly out of our joint account as we just have pooled money.

I don't think it's really about that though, is he interested in the pregnancy in other ways?

Northernparent68 · 22/02/2018 15:59

It’s not a competition, let him be excited in his own way and time, and perhaps he’s got a point re the debt,

Nicknacky · 22/02/2018 15:59

Do you mean not having paid for anything or physically not having bought anything? I don't think my H bought anything at all unless I asked him to pick anything up in a shop he was in anyway.

And I think he is being very sensible to try clear as much debt as possible. You aren't even halfway yet, plenty of time to buy things!

And I think it's harder for men to be connected. You feel the changes, the symptoms etc and he doesn't.

EsmeeMerlin · 22/02/2018 15:59

Just ask him for the money towards the bits you have bought once he has cleared his debt a little more. He is right when he says there is still a lot of time left.

Most men are not the sort to go out and buy anything themselves and are quite happy to leave it to the mother. I am 38 weeks pregnant with our second and I buy and choose everything. My partner may look at it and say that's nice but that's about it so I think you need to actually have realistic expectations on what most fathers are like. I don't know many men that would think to buy a teddy for a 17 week pregnancy.

stitchglitched · 22/02/2018 16:00

I think 17 weeks is far too early to be buying baby stuff tbh.

TheViceOfReason · 22/02/2018 16:00

You're pregnant, money is tight, your partner has debt, isn't really trying to sort it out (ie buying takeaways etc) - and your biggest issue is that he hasn't spent yet more money you don't have on something that isn't a necessity?

I think you BOTH need to sort yourselves and your priorities out ASAP.

Snowysky20009 · 22/02/2018 16:00

Really early to have almost finished... most people haven't started yet.....,

Dinnerfor1 · 22/02/2018 16:00

I think YABU as long as he is showing interest in your pregnancy in other ways. I really think 17 weeks is very early to have bought so much. As long as he is being supportive in other ways I would not worry about the lack of spending. We didn’t buy much at all until nearly 30 weeks.

grasspigeons · 22/02/2018 16:00

I think you both need to sit down and look at your finances and work out how you are going to pay for the child longer term (together)
He does need to sort out his debts!
Perhaps he's just more excited about the baby than the stuff that goes with it.

Bluelady · 22/02/2018 16:01

Some people think it's unlucky to buy stuff for an unborn baby. Or perhaps he thinks you've already bought enough and there's nothing left to buy. My son's dad thought (back in the dark ages) that babies were women's stuff and it would never have occurred to him to buy anything. It wouldn't have occurred to me either, tbh.

PuntasticUsername · 22/02/2018 16:01

Hmm. You need to have a very explicit discussion with him about money, establish the exact figures owed on debts and who is paying them off, and how fast, and get the details nailed down for how you're both going to pay for things, BEFORE the baby is born.

It sounds as if he's shit with money tbh. When you haven't had much pressure on your finances, as has been the case up to now, you've got on ok. But a baby adds more expense, potentially reduced earnings and less flexibility. Get a budget, with both your contributions explicitly listed, agreed NOW.

theforeignwoman · 22/02/2018 16:01

He is very excited about the child and has been lovely throughout my pregnancy so far. He brags about the scan pictures to everyone, does the dishes for me as I work a lot, and goes to Tesco whenever I need anything. I own my own business and have been quite ill because of the pregnancy and he takes on a lot of my work for me without having to ask.

He is not much of a shopper or gift-giver, but I am not doubting that he is going to be an amazing Dad.

OP posts:
RavenLG · 22/02/2018 16:02

You’re 17 weeks. YABU. He’s trying to be sensible and pay his debt off, probably before you give birth. Things are materialistic and will come and go, building a stable future financially will set you up for the future years not just months.

BarbaraofSevillle · 22/02/2018 16:02

YABU. There's plenty of time to buy what you need, and for obvious reasons, many consider it bad luck to buy too early.

He might also be worried about the cost, not like shopping, or not see the baby as an opportuity to buy loads of stuff.

As you aren't particularly well off, might it not be better to see what you can buy second hand or get donated from friends and relatives who have baby equipment they no longer need?

Aprilshowerswontbelong · 22/02/2018 16:02

I spent £££££ on my last dc. Dp at the time bought a tiny coat. He is the best df any dc could wish for. His lack of spending was no reflection on his commitment or how much he was going to love his dc!! Your dp is maybe a thinker not a doer and will come good at the birth!!

HotCrossBunFight · 22/02/2018 16:02

I didn't buy anything until about 34 weeks with either pregnancy.

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RatherBeRiding · 22/02/2018 16:03

I also think he's being sensible. You've a long way to go, he needs to clear his debt and you've already spent £1,000? Perhaps he's just not bothered about "stuff". I loved buying baby bits - can't say my OH was remotely interested in the latest cot blanket I brought home.

Vibe2018 · 22/02/2018 16:03

He sounds normal to me. There's nothig wrong with what you're doing but for a lot of people it wpuld be too soon and too organised. You can put the money aside and go shopping (apart from the very basics) when the baby is born.


As long as he makes an effort when the baby actually arrives I wouldn't worry.

Snowysky20009 · 22/02/2018 16:03

If you rub your own business, how will you manage during mat leave? Could he be worried about this?

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