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SAHP to school age kids how do you get past feeling like a skiver? AIBU

(32 Posts)
Thisimeagain Thu 22-Feb-18 11:50:51

OK sorry for the controversial title this is really not meant as a goady post.
I have 3 year old twins who have this term started doing their 15 hours at preschool. I'm not able to find a job for just the hours they are at school and we can't afford the wrap around childcare costs for the two of them so I can't realistically think about working until they are at school. But I can't help feeling like I need to justify my time to myself, my husband, everyone.
It's crazy. I've started doing a gym class for myself on the 2 days they do full days (they also do a half) and other than that I am literally just doing chores until its time to pick them up. That's not a complaint. I'm happy that I can do things like the supermarket shop without two kids trailing round after me BUT I always find myself apologising that I haven't done more. I feel like I have to try and get everything done while they're at school so that I don't eat into family time at all and even then I'm sure everyone thinks I'm just sat at home watching daytime TV and eating biscuits. I actually wierdly feel like I get less time to sit and have a cup of tea than I do when the kids are at home! How do I get past this craziness?
I think maybe part of it is that when I used to work my days were 11 hours long (and dh does similar still) so in my mind that's how long I have to fill but really they're only at school for 6 hours at a stretch twice a week and with drop off and collection it's more like 5 and a half so I just don't have as long to get everything done as I think.

frasier Thu 22-Feb-18 11:59:56

OMG I haven't enough hours in the day and never feel like a skiver.

I'm glad you don't feel tired though, wish I felt like that!

StickStickStickStick Thu 22-Feb-18 12:02:33

No. You're still working before and after with the kids. It's just your hours have gone down from 24 to 21!

After being 24/7 with them it can be that you've forgotten what it is to have time to yourself. Enjoy it. Get a bit of yuou back.

HamishBamish Thu 22-Feb-18 12:03:48

I know what you mean. I work part-time, but on my non-working days I always feel guilty if I even sit down to have a cup of tea!

Try not to be so hard on yourself. Easier said than done I know.

QuiQuaiQuod Thu 22-Feb-18 12:05:17

Whatever you do all day, as in, getting washed and dressed, tidying/cooking/cleaning/supermarket etc,

DON'T do ANYTHING at all one day, and then when your husband or whoever else asks what youve done all day, then say, ''you always wonder what I did all day? well today I didnt do it!''

That soon shuts people up.

Annabel7 Thu 22-Feb-18 12:09:37

You have 3 year old twins! I suggest you stop the guilt nonsense and put your feet up when you can... It doesn't sound like you get to do that at all so what you feel bad about I don't know. Has anyone actually suggested you are skiving or are you just assuming they think that...?

FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes Thu 22-Feb-18 12:11:48

do you really feel like you have to justify yourself to your DH?

Currently have DC4 at home but before her arrival i had my others in pre-school 3 days (yes, we paid for an extra half day too!) and i have never felt like i have to justify to DH what i do with my time.

my 'rules' for myself is that dinner is prepped/ready, tomorrow's uniform and lunches are ready and that i have given the downstairs a quick tidy round. anything above that is a bonus!

DH has never, ever queried what i've been doing. when i've had a week where i've been out a lot i do give a throwaway apology to him over the state of the place/that dinner is out of the freezer but he always shrugs and looks at me like 'why are you apologising?'

But my DH does also appreciate that me 'just being there' makes his life easier - he never has to go and pick up a sick child/get to parent assembly/scrable for childcare because of a late meeting etc. the flip side is that some days i get to slob out for the day.

Other people? couldn't give a fig what they think over what i do with my time. DH and I are happy, that's all that matters.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Thu 22-Feb-18 12:12:54

Repeat after me: “I have twins. I deserve ALL the sleep.”

My girls are some way off preschool, but when they start I am going to relaaaaaaaax (a bit). I can’t wait to have some time to get the house sorted but it’s been so long since I sat down and just read a book with a cup of tea. In bed. I’m going to get so much sleep too! I work bloody hard taking care of that rabble (I have a 4yo too) and I WILL take some time for me.

It helps that DP very much encourages me to do this. I think he missed the non-stressed me. smile Is your partner giving you grief?

FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes Thu 22-Feb-18 12:15:35

to add - i found it felt like i had less time once my DTs started school - my 'working day' was now crammed into 9-3 when before we'd be in the supermarket at 8am (early risers!!)! give yourself a break. twins are hard work and very intense, enjoy a hot cuppa!

orangesticker Thu 22-Feb-18 12:16:37

When my twins were small and very exhausting my dh used to use the time off I would have to myself when they went to nursery as a thing to look forward to. The few hours off were used to do various jobs but also get some well overdue me time.

RandomUsernameHere Thu 22-Feb-18 12:20:39

I have 3 year old twins too smile
The time really does go quickly, especially when you take into account traveling to/from drop off and pick up.
There's a lot of work involved with running a house and looking after a family and most people realise that, but I do drop into conversation with DH about a specific jobs that I've done, just so he's aware grin

FizzyGreenWater Thu 22-Feb-18 12:24:00

Go away for a couple of days.

Let him actually see how much organising life with young children takes- how much work. Even if he's lovely and doesn't think like a twat - if you feel like this with him especially, let him experience it first hand for a couple of days, to give yourself peace of mind. Because no way will he think that you have anything but a bloody hectic life after he's been holding the fort even for a short time.

Qvar Thu 22-Feb-18 12:40:31

You sound very anxious in general, have you suffered with anxiety in the past?

The inability to relax is not an admirable trait, it sometimes gets treated as one because employers like it, but it's not good for you.

Relaxing is important. Sit. Push your shoulders back. Let your head lean back. Breathe.

It's ok.

Thisimeagain Thu 22-Feb-18 12:43:47

To be fair to dh I don't think he thinks I do nothing. I went out for 3 hours last Sunday morning for instance and he said when I got back 'I feel like I've done nothing except run round all morning'. It's just my wierd guilt issue I think. I feel like everyone thinks I'm skiving but they probably dont

waterrat Thu 22-Feb-18 12:44:21

jesus OP you have 15 hours respite over the week from looking after 3 year old twins. wtf are you feeling guilty about? If you were commuting to work you would get at least 2 hours a day to yourself to listen to music/ read etc - that's 10 hours just in commute time. then working people get a lunch break and endless tea breaks/ chatting to colleague breaks blah bla

do whatever the hell you want - take up a hobby/ knit/ read/ meditate/ stop worrying!

Appuskidu Thu 22-Feb-18 12:44:29

I definitely would get everything done whilst they are at school so that it doesn’t eat into family time, yes.

Is your DH questioning you about what you do?

waterrat Thu 22-Feb-18 12:45:35

also part of the 15hours is wasted getting them home / wakling back from drop off??!

Of course you can't get a job that fits in with 15 free hours its totally useless as childcare - remember the 15 hours is for the CHILD - it's not childcare, it's for their actual benefit - they need to be there so you dn't need to think about it and feel guilty!

FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes Thu 22-Feb-18 12:45:51

and i repeat - everyone else can think what they bloody well like. and to be honest, you skive all you like if your DH is happy about it!! my DH loves his job, i never enjoyed mine. he absolutely doesn't begrudge me having a 'day off' the housework - he gets 5 weeks holiday a year, i deserve some time off too!!

phoenix1973 Thu 22-Feb-18 12:50:35

Honestly dont worry about the opinions of others. They're either jealous, really don't care or are wickedly thinking you'll get payback when your oh leaves you penniless with kids to bring up without a job.hmm See that ALOT on here.
Things change, they always do. For now, you're caring for your family with a little time for you. Enjoy. Dont feel guilty.

Bluntness100 Thu 22-Feb-18 12:52:11

The responses are not what I expected. Time off, me time. I suspect because as a mother who always worked there was no such thing. You're either working or looking after the kids. Slobbing, reading a book, sleeping, are not really luxuries most working parents have.

As such I can see the ops conundrum and I didn't expect to.

windchimesabotage Thu 22-Feb-18 12:53:40

erm... if you had a paid job would you still not get at least 15 hours off a week? Use it as your 'break' or to catch up with something you needed to do. You neednt feel guilty!
Agree with PP that the 15 hours is for the child (and the mum in the sense that children need a lot more energy by that age which if you have other young children you may not be able to give on your own) but not really structured for allowing actual financially beneficial work on its own.

Merrz Thu 22-Feb-18 12:57:55

I really don't think anyone else will be thinking you're skiving OP!
I get what you mean though, i'm out the house for work 11 straight hours a day/5 days a week and feel i would get SOO much done if i were a sahm, we don't have dc yet so i know this probably isn't the case. But also the way i think of it is, i've worked hard for the last 10-15 years and once kids are in full time education i'll probably work for the next 20 at least so why not enjoy a few guilt free years being a sahm while you have small children?! Especially Twins!!

PickAChew Thu 22-Feb-18 13:04:36

Can't say I feel like a skiver. So far today I've set 2 loads of laundry going, returned some curtains we didn't like, done a food shop, filled in the paperwork for an annual ehcp review, put a coat of paint on a ceiling and eaten yellow stickered cheesecake.

About to push the vacuum cleaner around, then back up the ladders to start on another ceiling.

toomuchtooold Thu 22-Feb-18 13:05:57

When do your kids get up, I'm guessing about 7am. Bed by 7.30 and no naps now that they're 3? (Rough estimate based on my twins at that age.) We'll be generous and say that weekends don't feel like work as you and your DH are looking after the kids together, and we'll also not count how many nights you're "on call" if one of the kids wakes up. We also won't consider any work you do when the kids are asleep. such as laundry, home admin etc. So a VERY conservative estimate of 11.5 hours per weekday = 57.5 hours a week, minus 15 hours of school = 42.5 hours a week. Congratulations, you are now "skiving" your way through a normal full time job grin

TooStressyForMyOwnGood Thu 22-Feb-18 13:06:24

I can relate OP. I have 2-3 days a week ‘off’ while my DC are at school and I thought the house would be spotless and I would be organised. I have no idea where the time goes but I never seem to get enough done and the house is certainly not spotless sad.

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