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To ask if only my DC does this and what to do

(114 Posts)
ginplease8383 Thu 22-Feb-18 00:42:26

DD is 3yo and ‘strong willed’ (I know what this really means). Today I took her to Tesco’s to buy a cupcake to attempt to bribe her with throughout the rest of the day and she picked up various items as we walked around and I asked her to put them back and she did. Cue the kinder egg stand and because I wouldn’t let her have one (a cupcake was enough) she lay down in the aisle to the aisle and body popped around in protest and then lay there rigid shouting ‘you’re not my best friend’ and kicking me as I tried to get her to stand up. This was hard as I had 18 mo in a buggy starting to stress out. I can’t carry DD as she’s massive and when I put her down she just bolts back.

AIbU to say it’s only my kid that does this? I genuinely never see other children do this

At home I dealt with it by distracting her or sometimes just leaving her to work through it whilst I get something else done or sort out her sister. But if I do this is public it’s not practical aibu to ask how I deal with this???

Kingsclerelass Thu 22-Feb-18 00:58:09

No you're not the only one. It just feels like it at the time. All those older people making disparaging comments and looking down at you. Nightmare.
I used to strap mine in a trolley and tell him that if he didn't stop being bad, he wouldn't get his cupcake at all, and on a couple of occasions I've even abandoned the trolley and marched petulant child back to the car with no food at all sad
I think all toddlers do it sometimes.

MiddleClassProblem Thu 22-Feb-18 01:05:09

Dd is a bit like this. If I said she then wasn’t getting the cupcake she would tend to cry and say sorry. Then I would say she could have it if she was good/did what I asked for going around the supermarket. Tends to work but no idea if it’s the right thing to do. Her strops are less physical action and more vocal though with the occasional vague swipe in my direction knowing she’ll get a mummy “er!” And raises eyebrow which seems to be scary enough. Also countdowns work on her but I still haven’t established what happens if she doesn’t make it but I’ll cross that bridge when she cottons on.

IhaveChillyToes Thu 22-Feb-18 01:08:16

Didn't want to read and run

Sounds like typical temper tantrums 3 year old

YouTube toddler tantrums and you will see lots of examples

Like the one that follows the parent around the house then throws themselves down on the floor screaming then parent walks away so child gets up calmly then goes to where parent is and tantrums again

I think best idea is to just completely ignore her and continue to look at shopping on the shelves near to her, just keep eye on her in perifial vision, not speaking to her just be very very interested in the different types of baked beans or whatever is on the shelves.

It is a development stage and she is testing you but very common

Please do not speak or interact with her just be calm and ignore but keep eye on her, (maybe wear sunglasses - weird I know but she won't be able to see you looking at her)

The different types of baked beans will be the most important and interesting things you have ever seen totally fascinating to you

Give it a try, good luck smilesmilesmile

ShamelesslyPlacemarking Thu 22-Feb-18 01:15:11

My strong-willed 3yo doesn't do the lying-down-and-kicking thing but has certainly recently discovered the phrase "You're not my best friend/Mummy anymore" and trots it out at any occasion where she is not getting her own way.

ClemDanfango Thu 22-Feb-18 01:27:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheJoyOfSox Thu 22-Feb-18 01:28:05

I was on a train today, packed with mums and kids (it’s half term here) when a kid around 3 ish got told off. It was quiet and just a “please don’t do that” in a gentle voice. The child screamed “you’re not my mummy”
My head spun round....had a child been kidnapped? Everyone else on the train was also checking out the would be kidnapper, poor mum just rolled her eyes and whisper something. I imagine it was something along the lines of “only in my dreams”
Children can be trying and hard work. Although today I smiled remembering the kidnapped tot.
I hope your dc gets easier as her reasoning and language skills improve, they really are lively at 4.

TheJoyOfSox Thu 22-Feb-18 01:28:59

Lovely, not lively, although they are lively too.

suzy2b Thu 22-Feb-18 01:30:28

3yo granddaughter not only says your not my best friend anymore but also says your stupid, and i hate you if she doesn't get her own way, she does get it from her 9yo sister

Yeahsureokay Thu 22-Feb-18 01:40:47

Your post made me laugh op. My 3yo dd has had many moments just like this. I feel your pain. She's also 'strong willed' and a powerhouse of emotions. Now she's verbal it's gotten quite funny. She's said the same thing before, No mummy we're NOT best friends! No, I'm NOT happy about this! No mummy, it's NOT so cool! (Last one said when trying to distract her by looking at something.)

I use a range of tactics.

Sometimes I just ignore her completely; stay close so I know she's safe, but just let her have it out. Don't react. Other times I talk gently to her, try to tell her how it makes me feel to see her this way. Oh no, Mummy wants xxx to be happy not sad etc and I pull a sad face. Sometimes this is enough and she collects herself and wants to hug it out. This one doesn't always work though!

Sometimes I just quickly say stuff for example oh quick, look over there! I see lunagirl! Gasp! Come on we need to pay for the cupcake to save the day! Time to be cupcake heroes! Suddenly she will be in a fantasy land playing pj masks/paw patrol etc. There's endless scenarios with this one. I look mad Also I sometimes distract her by asking her to do silly fun things. Can you do this (breathe in and out a few times/make a fish face/count to 5/wiggle nose) she usually enjoys this and it gets her laughing again. not mad, insane, I look insane

Counting to 3 also works now, at last. If we get to 3 she is timed out. She doesn't like being timed out, mainly because she's getting no attention, and she LIVES for attention. She knows we are serious and follow through with everything we say. So it's enough of a deterrent. After the time out we always discuss/say sorry/hug. I had to practice this a lot at home before it worked outside though. It wasn't until she turned 3yo that it worked actually. Nothing got through to her before then! Now I rarely even make it to 2 when counting.

Also if we are out I sometimes calmly tell her if she keeps doing whatever it is she's doing then she will have to go back to the car and go straight home. (I only say this when it's actually feasible to do it.) As we have followed it through every time, again, she knows we mean it and now it's usually enough just to say it. I don't always feel like Mary jeffing Poppins so there's been a fair few occasions where the kicking/screaming variety of tantrum was clearly not going to relent, so she's been picked up and taken straight home, no questions.

I'm no expert btw and have no idea if I'm doing right or wrong here, just felt my way along. Maybe these examples will help you.

I really feel for you. It's all normal stuff, but can be so exhausting! They can be so full of emotions that are too overwhelming for their little minds and bodies. These are tough years.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Thu 22-Feb-18 01:51:44

You know I’m so appalled at adults who give dirty looks to parents dealing with this. There was a dad with a toddler in front of me in the line at the supermarket this week and she was kicking off for no particular reason, just didn’t want to be there. She was just a bit whiny so not even a proper tantrum and there were people turning around and death-staring at the dad. He handled it fine but he was clearly made uncomfortable. What purpose do they think it serves to make parents feel even worse in a stressful situation?

No doubt there will be someone on in a moment to tell you their kids never once had a single tantrum ever and they’re so great (ergo you’re not), but in reality this is a phase all kids go through to some extent.

What you need is a threenager thread so you see just how frustrating that age can be. My DS was the king of refusing to move. Best time was at the art gallery when I was a week or two away from giving birth to twins. He sat on the ground out the front, refused to move and cried. I couldn’t pick him up and had to wait until DP and his DM came out of an exhibition so they could get phone reception again and come help. Oh the dirty looks I got! But what could I do? I held it together fine until a woman came over and said, “don’t you worry about a thing. We’ve all been there”. Then I wanted to cry because I was so grateful for her kindness.

kateandme Thu 22-Feb-18 02:06:17

your not the only just seems it in that moment.
nothing helps apart from what helps at that moment in time.i have never found a consistant technique.
one was to ask her for help saying "ok but I really need you help I cant find the...pasta say"
sometimes walk away (obiously keeping her in sight)
sometimes had to sit down."ok luv I may not be your best friend,yes I no you hate me but il always love you,sorry"
sometimes "get up" said sternly no shit young lady type way.
your not getting it so this isn't helping.this isn't how we sort things out.
etc etc.each time different.
don't despair.if you react it will only have adverse effects on both of you.
young ones are still a jumble of emotions that they don't themsevkes understand they just feeling that quaking in their chest we would swear at,shout at,or at least be able to name.they don't.they just feel wronged!

SheGotBetteDavisEyes Thu 22-Feb-18 02:17:43

Yes, yes, yes. I had avoided tantrumming toddlers until DD2 and Lordy, has she made up for it. Tesco is her favourite place to do the rigid-body-screaming-fury thing. I swear every time that we'll never leave the house again.

She's 'strong-willed' af grin

ginplease8383 Thu 22-Feb-18 03:48:31

Thank you! I’ve picked up a few techniques there. Today’s fit was right in front of the checkouts blocking everyone so I had to do a fireman’s lift whilst pushing a buggy. The problem is DDs Dad is 6”6 and I’m 5”4, DD is the size of a 5 year old. Ouch.

I tried saying ‘right mummy is going now see you’ and she just says ‘ok see you’ and stays where she is.

ginplease8383 Thu 22-Feb-18 03:53:09

I just never see kids having tantrums the scale of my DDs.

She’s picked up a sweary sentence from either me or DH whilst we are driving and likes to repeat it out loud so I was terrified she was going to announce this. Thank goodness she hasn’t said it for a few months now but the fear is still there

Thank you for making me feel less alone. I’ve got it all again with DD2 - who unfortunately is louder!!

IDefinitelyWould Thu 22-Feb-18 04:02:48

Whenever mine have said 'you're not my best friend' I say 'that's fine, I'm your mummy and I love you very much'. I also tend to save the treat (picking the cupcake) until the jobs are done and if they don't behave they don't get the treat.

nooka Thu 22-Feb-18 04:05:25

I suspect you don't see too many enormous tantrums because their parents have given up on taking the tantrumer to things like shopping while they wait in hope for the child to grow out of it. My ds did the whole feet drumming, headbanging thing. Sometimes he'd throw his shoes at people too. There wasn't anything you could do once he'd started except wait for him to exhaust himself because he was completely out of control. Luckily his little sister found being a toddler much less difficult so we only had the full on tantrums with him.

You just have to get through it really. It will pass smile

ds is now almost an adult and while he still has his moments is a son to be proud of, and was mostly a pretty easy teenager. Swings and roundabouts I think.

Arapaima Thu 22-Feb-18 04:05:59

If the supermarket is a particular trigger, maybe consider online shopping? I know you can’t avoid all situations when it may happen. But this reduced my stress levels when my DC were this age!

RefuseTheLies Thu 22-Feb-18 04:22:32

grin strong willed. I use spirited to describe my pain in the arse toddler.

When my 2 y/o kicks off in public (screaming, crying, flailing limbs etc), I say in a very bored voice ‘ok, just let me know when you’re finished. I’ll stay here and we can have a cuddle when you’re ready’, and I wait it out.

I have very thick skin though so don’t really give a shit what strangers in the supermarket think of me and my parenting.

BillyCongo Thu 22-Feb-18 05:55:00

Generally my 3 year old quite likes shopping. I try to set up the expectation. So at breakfast time the conversation will be that we're going shopping this morning, she's going to help mummy. Then when we get there before we go in that we are shopping now and she needs to help and stay with mummy no running off etc and if she does then (small reward) will happen after. I sometimes write her a 'list' or let her hold mine and she has to tell me what's on the list and help find it which keeps her occupied. If she did start a tantrum it would be a warning and then straight out the shop to the car, hopefully until calm enough to pay for shopping and leave if not straight home. No reward and explain why, oh dear no comic today because you were naughty and shouted at mummy in Tesco didn't you. However if she is good then make a fuss, thank you for helping that was very kind let's go home and do your comic.

stayathomer Thu 22-Feb-18 06:16:07

You'll feel like the only one this happens to, people in the shops will act like you're the only person it happens to, but it's not. It happens to everyone.

treaclesoda Thu 22-Feb-18 06:21:21

I have two children. One never did stuff like this, whilst the other took strong willed to a whole new embarrassing level.

The good news is that by the time they started school, they had grown out of it.

It's pure torture though, you have my sympathy.

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 22-Feb-18 06:41:19

The looks to a certain extent will be because they think your dd is a 5 yo. I started getting asked when dd was going to school when she was a bit younger than 3.

billybagpuss Thu 22-Feb-18 06:44:14

I had exactly the same thing, I'd promised them all a small clanger toy (yes it was 20 years ago. DD1 decided she didn't want clanger she wanter power puff girl. Same price so ok, no problem.

Got to the checkout did the writhing around on the floor I want a clanger strop. We were running out of time so I said no she'd made her choice. More stropping. I burst out laughing but ended up carrying her out.

I've had my fair share of disapproving comments, always offer help now if I can, ie carry shopping while people sort out DCs.

Believeitornot Thu 22-Feb-18 06:46:40

I would avoid bribery and adopt distraction techniques. Plus make sure toddlers are well fed before trips out. But generally I avoided big food shops when mine were little!

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