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IABU but I can't be rational-help!

(15 Posts)
bertiesgal Wed 21-Feb-18 21:19:37


I know this but I can't seem to rationalise my way out if it.

My parents look after the kids when I'm working. They do it with love and are just so wonderful with the kids. I can't put a price on what they do.

My parents do go on a lot of holidays-often for up to a month at a time. This is a massive source of stress for us but they're doing us an incredible favour so we always work around it.

They have just returned from a month long break. They look and feel fantastic and I'm so glad.

We on the other hand are working insane hours, juggling 4 kids and enduring the longest winter since what feels like forever.

My life is divided between working 3 long days a week in a demanding person centred job or spending time with the kids which is wonderful but I can't even pee on my own.

I don't make time for me (not being a martyr as before I know it they'll be all grown up and leaving me (sob)).

We enrolled the DTs in morning playgroup mon/wed/fri to give them some contact with other children and to reduce my mum's workload. I have the twins on a Monday and DH persuaded me to put the DTs in playgroup to on my day too to allow me time to regroup.

Once I've put the DTs in I basically collapse onto the sofa/enjoy a leisurely breakfast with DH for an hour. It is the only and I mean only time I can hear myself think/I'm not doing stuff for other people.

Fresh from their holiday my parents have casually suggested that I use this time to go swimming.

I feel really frustrated as I genuinely don't think they have any insight into how mental my life is right now and I now feel that I have to defend that small window of selfish bastard time that I've just started to enjoy.

In the past they gently pointed out that I'd gained weight after the DTs. I'm back to my old self but suggesting exercise took me back to feeling grossly overweight and embarrassed.


My parents are wonderful, I'm terrible for putting the DTs in playgroup, I'm being oversensitive about my weight and generally just being unreasonable. I know this but can't shift my anger.

Also IABU for making this so long-sorry blush.

Please munsnetters, help me gain some perspective (preferably without handing me my arse on a plate!)

Thehop Wed 21-Feb-18 21:22:31

I don’t think UABU at all!!!!!!!!! No time to type a longer response but I have 4 too. Youngest still swings off my nipples 23 hours a day and I have to squeeze a poo and a shower into remaining hour. I’m a size 18/20 and zero head space or time to fix it.

Chin up live

Thebluedog Wed 21-Feb-18 21:25:53

Just keep reminding yourself that ‘this too will pass’ and it WILL get easier.

I’m sure you’re right and they don’t understand, but hey, they don’t have to. The comments about your appearance aren’t great, but my DM used to say stuff like this all the time. Until I used the MN line ‘do you mean to be so rude’ and she stopped grin

mommybunny Wed 21-Feb-18 21:28:36

Why do your parents need to know what (if anything) you get up to when you put your DTs (totally reasonably) in a playgroup on the day you’re responsible for them? There is no need to think that becaus

mommybunny Wed 21-Feb-18 21:30:06

Sorry pressed send too soon...

There is no need to tie their generosity in helping with childcare with instructions about how to manage your time, is there?

Bluntness100 Wed 21-Feb-18 21:32:26

Do you enjoy swimming? Maybe they just thought you'd like it. You say you're back to normal and not overweight, so no need for self flaggelation. They may have a point, being at home may not give you me time. The temptation may be to clean and tidy. Using the time to do something you love just for you might be beneficial.

I'd maybe err on they weren't being malicious and suggesting you carve out some time just for you doing something you enjoy.

gingergenius Wed 21-Feb-18 21:33:27

Maybe she just thinks swimming will help boost your endorphins and increase your sense of well-being and it's not actually a dig about your weight? Maybe you and DH could have a 20 min swim and then a coffee after together?

bertiesgal Wed 21-Feb-18 21:35:20

Weirdly my DM is quite blunt and my dad has red hair.

Ma and pa is that you?

Is nowhere safe? shock

bertiesgal Wed 21-Feb-18 21:37:04

Thanks to everyone else though and blunt/ginger you make valid points.

To the lady with the baby swinging from your nipples-I remenber it well-grin.

SheldonandPenny Wed 21-Feb-18 21:38:15

Heck to hell with well meaning suggestions!! I know how that feels. I am a few more years down the line from the age yours are. I remember what bone tired really means. In your bones!! When my DH suggested I went swimming or went to the gym I nearly had a melt down. I wanted 30mins on my own to do what I chose!

However now it really helps to go swimming. Not to lose weight (it did nothing on that front except a bit more toning), but it makes me feel more relaxed, calmer and more on top of things. However it wouldn't have done a few years ago as I needed headspace to even figure out where my door keys were to get out in the first place!

People forget how tough it can be. They may be well-meaning but don't take it to heart. When you're ready, then you're ready.

Justgivemesomepeace Wed 21-Feb-18 21:41:36

My dp says stuff like this. He works away mon-fri and has no idea how hard the daily grind is on my own working with 2 kids and no one to help. He thinks I could find time to decorate in the evenings or join a netball club. No idea where the babysitters coming from. I get Monday's now to regroup a bit now little ds has started school. He has all kinds of ideas for me to fill my time. I'm fit for nothing except homes under the hammer and cleaning the house after weekends trail of devastation. I can't even talk to him about it anymore. I just start boiling.

NewYearNewMe18 Wed 21-Feb-18 21:43:58

Gentle exercise is reflective time, you'll fell better in your self if you lose weight (and look healthier too), energy begats energy.

Deep down you know they have a point.

Last thing you want to do is end up a middle aged old dear like me with 5 stone to lose - prevent it happening now - then you wont have to spend every day in the gym like I do keeping it off.

GladysKnight Wed 21-Feb-18 21:44:29

I think the fact that this comment made you so upset proves how much you need that time doing whatever the fuck you'd like to for one precious hour!

(The last thing you need is another 'thing' you 'have' to do - especially to please your DPs, however well meaning.

If they suggest it again, just say very plainly you are not giving up that precious hour for anything.)

bertiesgal Wed 21-Feb-18 22:41:34

This thread has helped. My parents are well meaning.

I'm just frustrated that they can't see how bonkers my life is. They say they do but they don't if they think that after getting 4 kids out the door I'd prefer to get into a swimsuit and get wet when I can just zone out on my sofa.

I know that exercise is good for me and I don't want to be unhealthy but right now until the kids are a wee bit older, I just want to spend an hour not thinking.

In fact as I type I'm feeling guilty as I've still to put a load in the machine tonight (and remember to turn it on on my way to work tomorrow) , make up the lunches for DD and me, check bags for permission slips, lay out clean outfits for everyone tomorrow-including my stuff for work. DH is rantically catching up on all the work he missed while parents on hols. Even then he helped make dinner, tidied the kitchens and bathed/bedded the babies.

I'm on for emergencies from 8 tomorrow so won't crawl in the door until after 8 in the evening!

We never stop (except when I mumsnet blush).

By the way, I love our life-just stretched quite thin at the moment!

gingergenius Wed 21-Feb-18 22:45:02

Lol ultimately @bertiesgal you must do what works for you and if your parents are wellmeaning, they'll understand. My DMs can be a bit like this. Do what works and change it when you are ready

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