Please please could someone read this email to ex and tell me if I sound a twat/too harsh/not harsh enough

[theduchessstill]

I know it's not really AIBU but I am in pieces about this and have no one to go through it with in rl atm. I think the context is pretty clear from what I've written. Ds1 really doesn't want to go there (he's 10), but, aside from whether that's UR or not, I have to work over the weekend and really on their twice weekly contact with H to work anyway. I've emailed before but he never responds.

Email:

Ds1 has been talking more this week about his feelings about his life at the moment and his experience of living between the two houses. In particular he has reiterated his feelings about the bias he perceives you showing towards ds2 and the fact that he feels you become angry with him in way that he doesn't think is proportionate with his actions. He has stated that you have hit him more than once as a way of punishing him when he hits ds2. Obviously this is not an ideal way of dealing with violence between them and you need to know that ds1 has been very upset by it. He has also said he finds you quite unpredictable in general.

He would like to stay with me tomorrow and for me to drop him off at yours on Friday morning after ds2’s one-to-one swimming lesson (8.30-9am). I realise you are not going to be happy about this, but you need to understand this has all come from ds1 and I have not led these discussions or initiated them - he has. I think they are difficult to manage and there is a lot of competitiveness between them and ds1 is feeling a high degree of responsibility for how tensions are managed. For instance, he has said he realises ds2 is very stubborn and that you find it difficult to enforce rules with him etc. This is just an observation he has made and he shouldn't have to be worrying about these things.

I feel like you need to be more proactive in the way you parent them and less reactive. I spend a lot of time thinking about how to manage situations and most definitely don't always get it right; it is hard and takes up a lot of time and energy I don't always feel like I have. But that is parenting - it's not just a case of making sure you have time with them, but what you do with them when you have it. I think it's vital that ds2 is dealt with firmly and with consistency, and that ds1 sees this happening. At the moment there are a lot of gaps that behaviours are slipping down and this has implications for their future relationships with each other, us and other people.

I wish you would reply to this. I can't keep sending them to you, knowing that some things are not quite right and the fact that you won't communicate with me about it is making it a lot worse. Parenting is hard, and certainly harder in a situation like ours, but it could be easier if we were in communication with each other and filled each other in about things that have happened and how we have dealt with them etc.

I think it would be a good idea if you discussed ds1’s feelings with him over this weekend while you are in X and ds2 could be looked after by someone else. I think he would really appreciate it and you could identify things he thinks he would like to happen. I have found it helpful to involved them in drawing up house rules and ds2 might like writing them down with pens/colours etc.

End of email.

That's as far as I've got. Hits haven't been hard I think and ds1 has said other stuff about ex being distant, slouching around and being lazy - all of which I know and have experienced/seen for myself. Not bad enough to withhold contact I suppose, but should I be standing by while ds1 is so upset and adamant he doesn't want to be there?

[SomeKnobend]

Isn't 10 the age they can decide if they want to go or not? I think depending on the details of the "hitting" his dad does, I would seriously consider withholding contact for both children while you get advice from social services and a solicitor.

[Bearsinmotion]

I'm struggling to get past "He has stated that you have hit him more than once as a way of punishing him when he hits ds2"

You are talking about a whole load of different issues / scenarios. i would stick with just this one and until you are confident your ex won't hit your child, neither child has contact with him.

And that is itself a fuck of a low bar to set.

[SomeKnobend]

Oh and I think the email is far too long and vague. You need only say what's happened, what you are doing about it, what you want him to do (specifically), and when. Eg. "ds1 says you hit him and punish him disproportionately, and that you treat him and ds2 differently and unfairly. I think this has serious consequences for the children and I'm therefore seeking advice from ss. If they are happy for you to resume contact I will contact you straight away to arrange mediation so we can agree an action plan including monitoring of discipline and possibly supervision of your contact."

[theduchessstill]

But smacking isn't illegal? So I don't think I can just decide that he can't see them anymore on the basis of that. it would put me up shit creek, but if they were in danger, that would be different. I don't think they are, more that he can't cope with them very well .

[Knittedfairies]

If he never responds to emails I think it unlikely that this time will be any different. I agree that your son needs to communicate directly with his dad but I’m not sure this email will facilitate that (and it is quite wordy..) Could you just email your ex to say your son needs to talk to him, and please find the time to do so? That way he cannot say you're putting words in your son's mouth.

[theduchessstill]

Yes, I take the point it's too wordy...

Just to confirm, there's no punching. Smacking is a more accurate term. I don't agree with it and it's not causing ds to change his behaviour, in fact, it's probably making it worse, but there's no marking and many parents do use this form of discipline.

[Skittlesss]

I think it's well written, however he has previously not responded to your emails so I think he won't bother reading this.

My advice is to call him and say that your DS is unhappy and you need to talk to each other about it and see what you can do to sort it out.

Meet your ex and talk to him. Keep it simple and relevant - yes he may be lazy and slouch around, but that's not the issue here and if you bring it up then it'll detract from the real problem.

[Schlimbesserung]

I think you might be better with something much, much shorter. How about " DS wants to stay with me this weekend because he is unhappy about you smacking him and thinks you favour his brother over him. Please get in touch as soon as you can. If I don't hear from you before Xday, I will be getting advice from SS but I would prefer to sort this out amongst ourselves."?

[changemyname1]

But if there's emails then that leaves a trail should OP want/need to stop contact or get ss/court involved.

[theduchessstill]

I'm really not at all sure SS would be interested in this... I could say I'll stop contact, but I can't really during term time due to work.

[Skittlesss]

Only you know your ex and if you're sure it's just a smack (as per the legal kind) then that's ok.

I smack my kid's bum at times. It's just not very well received on AIBU to do that.

[TotHappy]

Ah i thought you meant smacking. I haven't done it yet, but as you say many people do although to do it as a punishment for hitting...?! I would say 'smacking' in the email as 'Hitting ' implies something else i think.
Agree it's a good email but also agree he may not read it. Could you try ringing him? Explain that ds is sad, doesn't want to come till Friday, you think he could really do with time one to one with is dad to talk about his feelings, can ex facilitate that. Maybe say you would be happy to do a meet up after to talk through whatever ds has raised and find some solutions to implement together.

[HelloBrass]

I'm concerned it's putting DS1 in the line of fire. Your ex is unlikely to have the insight to recognize your concerns, if not you wouldn't be in this boat to begin with. I would worry that there could be repercussions for DS1, he'll be caught in the cross fire and not know what to say to either of you for fear of upsetting one or the other.

There's clearly a conflict in parenting style and this always presents problems. There doesn't seem to be consistency for the kids, and your worry is ex's style of parenting is ultimately damaging. Again, it's unlikely he'll accept he's doing anything "wrong".

Is there a way in which you think it could be presented which might encourage ex to respond? You know him better than anyone, and often the trick is to learn how to "manage" an ex partner. I appreciate that's easier said than done.

Could you talk it out in mediation?

[gingergenius]

I have the act same problem with my ex and my middle child.

[NordicNobody]

My dad smacked me a lot as a child and it really damaged me. I lived in fear and it was always for ridiculous things - not laying the table fast enough, feeling ill, not finishing my dinner, not knowing the answer to a maths question etc. I have no idea why this practice is still legal as imo it's physical abuse. I made it very clear to my dp when we had our son that if he ever smacked him for any reason we would be gone in 5 seconds flat and I would give my last breath before letting him have unsupervised contact. So I'd personally be writing a much stronger email than that and keeping both children at home until it's resolved to your satisfaction.

[Gide]

Way too waffly. Write what Schlim did, far better, more effective and succinct. Your version sounds like you want to impress him with your vocabulary and therefore completely misses the mark.

[Hillarious]

Isn't it better for you and ex to talk face to face?

[LadyRobertaMeserole]

It sounds like you're in exactly the same position as me.

My ex gets very stressed when he has the children and either shuts himself in another room for the whole time or reacts completely disproportionately.

One child particularly bears the brunt of this and its beginning to affect her mental health. None of them want to go.
But it's not bad enough to just cut contact or involve SS.

My carefully worded emails just get ignored as 'ranty'.
The children trying to talk to him get 'your mother's put you up to this'.
He won't talk face to face or do mediation.

This last weekend has been particularly bad and I'm really not sure what to do about this coming weekend (sorry probably should start my own thread). But I know exactly how you feel.

[TotHappy]

That's awful Nordic . I too was smacked as a child and don't feel it did me any harm or damaged me, it wasn't for little things though but serious/deliberate disobedience. My younger sisters did feel it harmed them however. Every child is different. I think sending to your room or taking a toy/promised gift away (unless just for a short period) is crueller, for me. I dont think smacking is necessarily physical abuse.

[theduchessstill]

That all resonates LadyRoberta . It's annoying he's adamant we should be aiming for 50/50 when it seems he can't cope or can't be bothered when he does have them. Don't know if this applies to you, but I have the added complication that I can't cut it right down as I am quite dependant on him for childcare during term time. Obviously, not to the extent that I would put them in danger, but I don't think they are. It's so hard to know what to do for the best.

[Bluntness100]

I agree too waffly and preachy.

Just state one paragraph. "We need to talk about the kids, some issues are arising, give me a call. In the meantime ds1 wishes to stay with me Friday night and be dropped off at x time on sat. Not ideal but his call. Give me a buzz and let's chat this through so we can all get on with it and get this fixed"..

[Prettylovely]

Another here agreeing its too long, I wouldnt be happy with my ex smacking my kids. I wouldnt allow it.

[Hissy]

I could say I'll stop contact, but I can't really during term time due to work.

Erm.. priorities? Get someone to look after your child who won't hit him!

Can he have a sleep over or stay with a friend this week?

[StormTreader]

"He has stated that you have hit him more than once as a way of punishing him when he hits ds2."

Does he smack him for anything else, or is it specifically to try and deal with him hitting his brother? Was his brother also hitting him and only ds was smacked? I'm wondering if this shouldnt also come with a small amount of "DS, DS2, its not acceptable for you to hit each other, or anyone."