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Don't want to move for DH

(393 Posts)
FEJ2016 Wed 21-Feb-18 08:40:33

DH and I met in central London where he owns a business but I've always wanted to move home to the north. (East Yorkshire) When we got married and decided to have children we agreed on a plan (his idea) that we would move north and he would work 3 days a week in London (he owns a flat there so has somewhere to stay etc) and spend 4 days a week up north with us. We're now living in the same town as my parents, grandparents and my sister and her family with my 6m DD. I'm really happy here it's a lovely place really friendly I have lots of groups to go to etc.
DH has decided our arrangement isn't working for him. He wants to see his friends more and doesn't feel like he's getting the most out of his life so he wants us to move to a commuter town near London. The thing is I would then effectively see him less. He wouldn't be around at all during the week because of work (possibly one morning before midday a week), and generally he would miss wake up and bed time for our daughter, and he would go out with his friends and playing golf etc at the weekend so he would be spending less real time with me and DD.
I'm terrified of being isolated down south away from my support network and my amazing family. My grandparents are old and my sister struggles with childcare it's been amazing to be around and help. But he is my husband and he's not happy. Do I have to sacrifice everything for him because he has a business and pays for everything? I'm so torn sad

mrsfuzzyboots Wed 21-Feb-18 08:57:37

This is really tough. I see it from both sides- you have DD, he works long hours and it’s massively helpful to support in form on your family nearby. However, he’s spending 3 nights away from home, in a small flat and having to do one hell of a journey (London to East Yorkshire) on a weekly basis. If his business can’t be based anywhere other than London and you’re both reliant on the income it provides, I think he’s given it a good go for you and if it’s not working for him, it’s not working. He’s not being unreasonable to not to want to do the journey, to want to live under the same roof us you and his DD full time, and not to have to choose between seeing his wife/daughter and friends at the weekend. So if it were me, I would be upset at leaving and you’re totally entitled to feel torn but I would definitely be looking at moving back to London. You’re a partnership and the current arrangement really doesn’t sound fair on him at all, in fact it sounds like you’re the only one getting anything out of it.

I would look at commuter town to the north of London with easy access to the A1/M1 for getting up to Yorkshire to see family easily and go to every baby group under the sun to make new friends and develop a support network. A move doesn’t mean you will become isolated at all.

Cupofcake Wed 21-Feb-18 09:14:34

How long have you been back in Yorkshire? Has he given it a fair go? It does sound like it's hard on him. Is there no way he could move his business?

TwitterQueen1 Wed 21-Feb-18 09:18:04

MrsFuzzy says it well. I would add that you need to create a life together, as a family unit. At the moment you have a life with your family in your town and your DH is peripheral to that. For your marriage to grow and develop you need to put your DH and you and your DD first. You need to develop habits and practices and friends and networks together, not separately and in two separate places.

mrsfuzzyboots Wed 21-Feb-18 09:45:46

OP, I’d also like to add that a lot of your post resonates. I currently live very close to my family and within spitting distance of a whole group school friends, that I’m still extremely close to. However, DH has been offered a job opportunity that is too good to turn down so we’re relocating 1000s of miles away in a couple of weeks. I did have a little sob when the shipping boxes arrived yesterday but ultimately I know it’s the best thing for our family (we have an 8MO DD). It’s very scary but I plan to throw myself out there and attend every baby group I can find to make friends and hopeful put down roots. I also plan on getting back to work once DD has turned 1 and my work permit comes through.

Best of luck.

AnotherEmma Wed 21-Feb-18 09:54:33

“Do I have to sacrifice everything for him because he has a business and pays for everything?”

Nope. You’re equal partners and if he’s supporting the family financially while you’re looking after the baby/children full time, you both have important roles and need to make decisions that work for the whole family.

What’s his argument exactly? He wants to be in London at the weekend so he can see his friends and play golf? How often does he intend to do that, how will he split his time between work, socialising, leisure, and... (suspiciously last on the list) family?

The current arrangement can’t be particularly easy on him but I’d be wary of giving up your lovely life and still not seeing him much. Is he going to be around to make up for loss of suppprt and company from family and friends that you have where you are now?

Aprilshowerswontbelong Wed 21-Feb-18 09:59:03

Twitter - the dh doesn't want to move for family reasons, he wasn't more 'me' time with his mates!!

Skittlesss Wed 21-Feb-18 10:01:39

Have you actually talked to him about this or is your worry just making you think that is how it will be?

Why would he go from working 3 days a week and having 4 days at home to not being around at bedtime and mornings every day? Surely if you move closer it means that he will be able to be at home more?

FEJ2016 Wed 21-Feb-18 10:01:51

I think everyone here is making sense thank you for you insights.
In answer to some of your questions we have been doing this since just before DD was born so about 6 months.
His business couldn't be anywhere but London but the idea initially was that he would do 3 days a week (2 nights) in London and eventually that would go down to 2 days 1 night after about a year as the business does well. He has changed his mind and wants to expand his business so now needs to spend more time in London not less (I don't blame him at all for wanting to pursue his ambitions)
He plans to spend much more time doing 'what he wants' to do. So that would be far less time with me and the baby and more time going to the gym, spending time with his friends who are mostly single, and playing golf and pursuing his hobbies. He thinks that because he makes a good living he should be having more fun than he is.

FEJ2016 Wed 21-Feb-18 10:03:18

I have spoken to him and that is what he has told me. Nothing to do with me being paranoid I actually asked him if that meant moving so he could spend less time with me and he said yes.

Kitsharrington Wed 21-Feb-18 10:03:35

How long ago did you move north? If he's given a good go and it's not working for him then YWBU to not consider moving. I think Fuzzy's post covers most points. His happiness is equally as important as you and your daughter's.

AnotherEmma Wed 21-Feb-18 10:06:47

“He plans to spend much more time doing 'what he wants' to do. So that would be far less time with me and the baby and more time going to the gym, spending time with his friends who are mostly single, and playing golf and pursuing his hobbies. He thinks that because he makes a good living he should be having more fun than he is.”

shock

Wow. Clearly he wants the single life. If he knew more parents of young children, maybe he would have more realistic expectations about what life is like as a working parent. But it sounds as if his heart just isn’t in it.

Honestly, OP, I’d be worrying about the relationship, and I would be very hesitant to make such a big sacrifice for someone who’s so clearly prioritising his career and desire for social/leisure time over his family.

Aprilshowerswontbelong Wed 21-Feb-18 10:08:16

Stay still op - your family are more committed to you and dd than your dh is. Moving would leave you home alone most of the time it seems according to his plans!!

TwitterQueen1 Wed 21-Feb-18 10:08:41

April yes, the DH wants more time with his mates. Why is that a bad thing? The OP already has loads of time with her family and her mates. My point is that the two of them should be working to create a joint life and joint mates. And they won't do that when they live in 2 separate places.

OP He thinks that because he makes a good living he should be having more fun than he is. Yes again. What is wrong with this? Why else do we work? His job is not to provide an easy, comfortable way for you to live the way you want to, which is not his way.

When you are together you can both work out what works best for both of you.

Skittlesss Wed 21-Feb-18 10:09:10

Oh FEJ, I was hoping that you were just thinking it would be like that, but now I've seen your update sad

I wouldn't go. Not if he said it was so he could spend less time with you. I wouldn't want to leave everything behind for someone who could say that.

NataliaOsipova Wed 21-Feb-18 10:09:16

He thinks that because he makes a good living he should be having more fun than he is.

This is the red flag for me. I can see how the arrangement you have is tough on him.....but for most people it's tough because they're away from their family, not because they don't get to go out with their mates at the weekend! If he's a way three nights a week, surely he has plenty of time for the gym and meeting his mates; certainly much more than you'd expect the average new father of a six month old to have? I'd be very wary.....

BubblesBubblesBubbles Wed 21-Feb-18 10:09:28

I’m with you op! I wouldn’t leave my family and security to move back to a place I didn’t want to.

Six months is nothing and he’s moved the goal posts. Deciding he wants to expand his business.

My dh is from Yorkshire and has no family left. He mutters about moving back ‘home’ we did have a full chat about it and it would mean I would be isolated from my family, our childcare, the children’s friends, my parents wouldn’t pop over so we can go to the tip/cinema, also there is no work for me up there unless I drop to minimum wage (we can’t afford that) and the jobs he is looking at are a 10-15k pay cut. Again we couldn’t afford it.

It’s a pipe dream for him. I’ve told him if he wants to go - bloody we’ll go but me and the kids are not going with him.

AnotherEmma Wed 21-Feb-18 10:09:47

Cross post.

“I actually asked him if that meant moving so he could spend less time with me and he said yes.”

Yes massively worrying.

FTR, I suggest you get this thread moved to Relationships. I think you’ll get better advice there.

AIBU always seems to have a disproportionate amount of posters making excuses for selfish men and telling women to indulge them.

araiwa Wed 21-Feb-18 10:11:02

If he wanted the single life he would leave his wife and kid in the north and reduce his time with them.

Someone wanting to live with their partner and kid isnt someone who wants the single life

TheWernethWife Wed 21-Feb-18 10:11:20

MrsFuzzy hardly one hell of a journey, King's Cross to Beverley, around 3 hours. Sat on a train, taking it easy, no traffic to worry about, yes, its a hard life for some. OP stay where you are, doesn't look like he wants any family life at all.

IAmNotAWitch Wed 21-Feb-18 10:12:06

So he wants to spend less time with you but would like you and DD sitting home alone waiting?

Fuck that. Tell him to stop bothering coming back at all. Don't move.

AnotherEmma Wed 21-Feb-18 10:12:10

More cross posts... glad there have been more supportive replies since your update, OP.

CamberGirl Wed 21-Feb-18 10:13:15

He wants you to move to be isolated from friends and family whilst he lives the 'single' life . So you are expected to be the meek little housewife sitting at home waiting for the Man to come home and throw her a few crumbs if attention. Fuck that.

Thebluedog Wed 21-Feb-18 10:15:45

I don’t think I’d move tbh. He’s asking you to move away from your support structure to put you on a place where he will spend LESS time with you and your dc, thus isolating you even more.

I live in South Yorkshire and travel to London on a regular basis and it’s not that much of a pain.

Can you not suggest to him that he spends one weekend a month in London so he can play golf etc. Or he could sell his flat in London and buy somewhere closer to friends that he can commute to work, and see friends on an evening?

Why can’t he work from home if it’s his own business?

BiologyMatters Wed 21-Feb-18 10:16:51

I wouldn't move for him considering his selfish reasons. I wouldn't sacrifice family support for someone who didn't want to spend time with his wife and daughter.

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