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Left to care for SS - again

(244 Posts)
Justcanthebloodysport Wed 21-Feb-18 08:07:35

We have SS every other weekend. His mum is struggling, depressed drinking too much and has asked if we can take him every Friday indefinitely to give her a break. DH plays rugby every Friday, so muggins here will be left to care for SS. Which is fine but we have family visiting currently and I was looking forward to some quality/childfree time with them. DH plays at a high level and it's his training, so understand he doesn't want to miss it. He see's it as a good time for us to bond. I want to offer to have him more through the week to help his mum out, but this doesn't suit her apparently.... Of course I will do it as family comes first and he is old enough to be self sufficient. But due what's going on at home he can be a little clingy and wants to dominate the night. (Pizza for dinner, hang out with the adults and drag his heels going to bed) I right to be pissed off to be the only one who has to lose their Friday night ?

charlestonchaplin Wed 21-Feb-18 08:09:59

I fear you will not get the support you are looking for here.

NerNerNerNerBATMAN Wed 21-Feb-18 08:11:46

YANBU. Dad needs to carefully think about the needs of his child here. If child has problems at home with mum, mum has appropriate reached out for help, then Dad buggers off to do his sport, then he's not really got his child's best interests at heart.

I think Dad needs to reconsider his sport commitments during this period. His need for rugby doesn't trump his child's need for stability.

Thedogsmells Wed 21-Feb-18 08:12:50

Yanbu. His dad needs to be there

SavageBeauty73 Wed 21-Feb-18 08:13:16

Can you book a babysitter for him on Friday so you can still go out?

DH is being selfish.

underneaththeash Wed 21-Feb-18 08:17:31

How old is he? You're the adult so you need to tell him what time to go to bed. We have three children and we still manage to have some adult time after 8.30pm when they're all in bed. Obviously bedtime will be age dependent, but even my year 7 child goes up at 8.30pm to give us some adult time and reads or plays in his room

Children like routine and they like to know wha't happening, so reminding him in stages i.e. after tea we're going to have a game and then its bedtime and the remind again before the game that its going to be bedtime afterwards and then be firm.

MayCatt Wed 21-Feb-18 08:17:43

YANBU. How sad for your SS that his DM has so many issues and his DF would rather play sport than care for him.

I fear your poor SS will pick up that he isn't wanted when you have people over which will only make him feel worse. However, the person to fix this is not you but your DF.

Either your SS's DM swaps days or his DF cancels his sport. One of his parents needs to put this child first.

Monoblock67 Wed 21-Feb-18 08:19:18

When you married your DH surely you took on the responsibility of his son, by that I mean he also becomes your son. If it was your biological child having issues would you still be complaining?

NukaColaGirl Wed 21-Feb-18 08:20:07


Your DH is being VVVVVU.

His son is struggling. He needs his Dad. DH needs to stop being a selfish fucker, put his hobby to one side and be there for his kid. It shouldn’t even need to be said, for goodness sake!

beepthemeep Wed 21-Feb-18 08:20:35

YANBU but poor kid sad

Completely agree his dad should put his kid before his training this once - it's not as if you don't look after your stepson a lot of the time.

Would the option of a sitter work? We use - always found them very reliable and really nice sitters.

Afreshcuppateaplease Wed 21-Feb-18 08:20:44

Does she want you to have him fridays so she can go on the piss?

HollyBayTree Wed 21-Feb-18 08:23:11

When you married your DH surely you took on the responsibility of his son, by that I mean he also becomes your son.

He has parents. She is not his mother, neither legally nor morally. Do not make this her problem, it isn't.

LifeBeginsAtGin Wed 21-Feb-18 08:24:33

Can't he watch his dad train for one night? They can bond instead.

ChasedByBees Wed 21-Feb-18 08:26:48

Your DH can miss training this one time.

Also, I’d speak to the mother and say Fridays aren’t suitable but <any other day> is. Then when he’s there, his dad will be too. If she declines then you could threaten not to take him on Fridays (may not work though - I can imagine you may not want to follow through on this).

LaurieMarlow Wed 21-Feb-18 08:27:37

Your DH needs to put his child first. It's not on to swan off to training in the circumstances.

Elocutioner Wed 21-Feb-18 08:27:42

Get the parents to work out a day which suits them both. Friday evidently doesn't.

EllieMe Wed 21-Feb-18 08:29:19

Your DH is being a selfish prick.

NataliaOsipova Wed 21-Feb-18 08:29:26

I think Dad needs to reconsider his sport commitments during this period. His need for rugby doesn't trump his child's need for stability.

This. Absolutely this.

sinceyouask Wed 21-Feb-18 08:29:50

Your dh thinks rugby is more important than his child? Hmm.

Sarahjconnor Wed 21-Feb-18 08:30:07

This makes no sense, as with so many posts featuring men’s ‘hobbies’. If it was your son would you head off to Pilates every Friday? A knitting class? Slimming world? No, you’d be there for your child. Sorry if that sounds patronising, I don’t mean to I just find the whole ‘men’s hobbies’ things so odd. Your poor dss.

InflagranteDelicto Wed 21-Feb-18 08:30:18

I disagree with many of the comments. You have him every other weekend, although you don't say if that's Friday or Saturday start. Your current set up is to enable you both to have your adult hobby and see DSS, as many of us do. For us, in my household, our hobbies, a mixture of volunteering and music, are what keep us healthy mentally, take that away and we each are not so good.

You say you've suggested a weeknight or two to give her a break, and she's insisting on Friday, why should all the compromise be on your behalf? I get she's not in a good place, but it has to come both ways. So if this Friday doesn't work, I think you need to say no, sorry, that doesn't work for me, I have prior plans, but can have him the thurs/Wed,whichever.

Fully aware I'm about to get shot down in flames!

YellowMakesMeSmile Wed 21-Feb-18 08:30:19

So the child has a mum who has issues and can't cope, a dad who would rather play football and a step mum who finds him an inconvenience. Poor child, all the adults around him appear t be failing him.

Of course he wants to dominate the night, he's craving the attention that all the adults around him are denying him.

When you marry someone with children you take them on as your own. If you aren't willing to do that you marry a childless partner instead.

That said a man who has minimal EOW contact wouldn't have been my choice for a partner as it shows the type of father he is,

NataliaOsipova Wed 21-Feb-18 08:31:05

When you married your DH surely you took on the responsibility of his son, by that I mean he also becomes your son.

I completely disagree with this. She married a man who has responsibilities towards his child. They in no way become her responsibilities.

ChaosNeverRains Wed 21-Feb-18 08:32:07

There are a number of issues here. Firstly, you are unreasonable to expect child free time when you knowingly get together with a man who has children. That doesn’t mean you’re unreasonable to want the child’s father to be responsible for him, you’re not, but this house is the child’s home as well, and he has as much right to be there as you do. If DP was around they would still be in the house, with the family, and therefore child-free is not an expectation you can grant yourself at this point. As for laying down the law about bedtime, that really depends on the child’s age. In y7 i.e. eleven years old that’s still a possibility, but the older they get, the less they are really children, iyswim. I can just imagine me telling my fifteen year old that it’s bedtime because the grownups want some time alone.... hmm

Secondly, Yanbu to think that your DP needs to change his plans given he’s agreed to have his child every weekend, or at the very least that he should have communicated with you that he still wants to keep up the rugby on a Friday night. He is absolutely right to have agreed to take the child due to the mother’s difficulties, however he is not right to unilaterally decide that you will be responsible for him because he’s not prepared to change his own plans. So on that score you are not unreasonable and need to have a discussion with him about how now he is having his son every weekend he needs to make accommodations for that himself as well as there are going to be things you want to do as well and those might not tie in with having his DC if he’s not available.

Almostthere15 Wed 21-Feb-18 08:32:16

Would trying to talk again to his mum about having him another night in the week be an option? Then you could all have family time together and would break up the week a bit for his mum.

Or have his Friday on the weekend you have him, and then the other week pick him up from school midweek, stay overnight and take to school. If it was presented like that you don't lose both Fridays and your ss still gets some time with your family which is nice for him, and you also get that too.

In relation to everything being about him, just make the pizza and add your own stuff that you encourage him to try. Yes trying to every some control I bet in a scary world.

I mean I think your DH is taking the piss a bit tho and if it can't be sorted he should either take ss to every second training with him, or he should miss every second one for a while. With no moaning and making ss feel unwanted.

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