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Am I being selfish?

(102 Posts)
Sunnyshiny Tue 20-Feb-18 20:22:00

My cousin who lives abroad has invited my family (DH, DS1 and soon to be born DS2 along with my mother, father and two sisters) to his wedding in a beautiful location in the USA. Free accomodation at their home. (Potentially a fabulous holiday)

My DH and I had a major fall out with my mother last year and sadly this hasn't been fully resolved. I have put my upset and issues I have with her to one side for the sake of the whole family. I desperately don't want to lose my relationship with my mother. My DH on the other hand has said it's the final straw and doesn't want much to do with her.

My DM is happy to put things to one side for the sake of her grandchildren and is being civil and we are seeing each other and cautiously continuing our relationship.

DH has said he doesn't want to attend the wedding due to the feelings he has towards my mother and the way she has upset him. I fully understand his reasons for not coming and I am not pressuring him to come- although i have expressed if he wants to come, I would be delighted I have said that I would really like to see my cousin get married, and for my two children to meet their second cousins who they have never met and visit America.

So I have suggested that i go with my DC, mother, father and sisters (they are very willing to help me out with travelling with DC) without DH.

DH has said it isn't fair that we would be going on a lovely holiday without him and he is sad that I would want to go on such a fabulous holiday without him. He says he will miss the DC and I have upset him that I want to go without him.

It is his choice to not come. Yet I feel I am not allowed to go without him (My DM would be fine and civil with him coming. And I understand he feels uncomfortable around my family and I fully support his decision not to come because of the argument).

Am I being selfish for wanting to go to the wedding without DH?

Sunnyshiny Tue 20-Feb-18 20:36:35

Sorry for the long and boring (?) post.

RachelRosie Tue 20-Feb-18 20:39:42

He's been U! He can't have it all ways. Go and enjoy your holiday and leave him to sulk at home.

Gazelda Tue 20-Feb-18 20:40:04

No, you're not being selfish. You're being flexible, he is not.
Ask him if he's really saying that because doesn't want to go that you and the DC shouldn't either? that is selfish.

hellomonster Tue 20-Feb-18 20:41:22

I think I would be hurt if DH did this to me if MIL had been awful. It's a bug slap in the face.

Does he ever see your mother at all? If so, could you run to a hotel room so he doesn't have to be around her except at the wedding itself?

If he doesn't want to be around her at all, maybe you could go on your own to the wedding and take the children and DH later for a holiday and meet the cousins etc?

PaperdollCartoon Tue 20-Feb-18 20:41:28

He can’t have it both ways. You are well within your rights to go, he’s well within his right not to, but shouldn’t stop you. He should also grow up and make up with your Mum.

hellomonster Tue 20-Feb-18 20:41:56

*big slap obvs

hellomonster Tue 20-Feb-18 20:42:26

What did your M do to make him not want to see her anymore?

MrsSpenserGregson Tue 20-Feb-18 20:44:09

Well, it depends on why you both fell out with your mother and wh it hasn't been resolved ...

If your DM, say, falsely accused your DH of stealing money from her, and hasn't apologised, YABU to expect your husband to spend any time with her and YABU for wanting to go away on a family holiday with her but without him.

However, if it was an argument over somebody cheating at Twister or not putting the bins out, and there was fault on both sides, YANBU!

More information is needed!

Sunnyshiny Tue 20-Feb-18 20:46:03

Hmm a mixture of responses.

I would be very upset if his mum had treated me the way my mum has treated him sad... But at the end of the day she is my mum. I don't want to have to choose between her or my DH.

Is this a big enough reason to stop me from going to the wedding?

Hellomonster that would probably be the ideal situation but logistically and financially I don't think we would do a second trip at a later date. (My cousin's have all moved to different corners of the US and starting their own families e.t.c)

Tapandgo Tue 20-Feb-18 20:47:44

Surely he can go and just avoid being close to her? Big boy pants needed.

EllieMe Tue 20-Feb-18 20:48:24

He's behaving like a sulky toddler. Tell him to grow up. Go, with or without him.

MrsSpenserGregson Tue 20-Feb-18 20:49:12

Well, if you would be very upset if his mum treated you the way your mum has treated him, I'd say YABVU actually. He's your husband. You can't expect to be happy that you're not taking his side. "I don't want to have to choose between her and my DH." So your feelings are more important than his? That's coming across very clearly here, I'm afraid

TheSnowFairy Tue 20-Feb-18 20:52:04

Could you all go to America but stay elsewhere so he is there for all of it except the actual wedding?

Oldbutstillgotit Tue 20-Feb-18 20:53:08

Why did you fall out ? I think that might help people decide if you are BU or not.

DancesWithOtters Tue 20-Feb-18 20:54:19

What did your DM do to him?

MorningsEleven Tue 20-Feb-18 20:55:18

I'm with *@snowfairy*. It's a good compromise.

WillowWept Tue 20-Feb-18 20:56:16

It really depends why they fell out.

If your mum has treated him very badly then i think going away without him is unreasonable

luckylavender Tue 20-Feb-18 20:57:38

I think that if this were the other way round (ie a DH & his mother), we would tell the OP her DH was being very selfish to consider going with his DM. I would be most miffed if this happened to me. You DM has been very unreasonable to your DH, that's your family now. It would be horrible to go without him really. Your DM has no consequences for her behaviour.

MrsSpenserGregson Tue 20-Feb-18 20:58:23

He's not behaving like a sulky toddler. Have people read the OP's update? He's understandably very upset that his entire family are going on a very expensive holiday with someone who has, as the OP admits, wronged him and caused him a lot of upset, and they are expecting him to be happy that he's being left behind when really he doesn't feel that he has any choice. I'd be absolutely gutted if this were me, and I'd be questioning my partner's loyalty in a big way. "I don't want to fall out with my mum" is not a reason to excuse your mother's unfair behaviour, whatever that was.

I'm too invested in this thread! My DH's father is a bastard who has wronged us many times and I no longer see him, so I think I need to bow out of the thread now...

ItsNachoCheese Tue 20-Feb-18 20:59:16

He is being unreasonable he cant have everything his way

Calvinlookingforhobbs Tue 20-Feb-18 21:00:16

Go to the wedding. In ten years it is likely your dispute will be resolved one way or another but you will ALWAYS regret it if you don’t see your cousin get married. Trust me.

NailsNeedDoing Tue 20-Feb-18 21:01:08

How is the holiday being paid for? I realise you have accommodation provided but what about flights and all the other expenses? Would it mean you couldn't have a holiday with him?

Sunnyshiny Tue 20-Feb-18 21:02:12

I cant say why this huge family argument has happened, but I can say that my mum was unreasonable (possibly due to MH issues). And my DH retaliated which aggravated things beyond repair.

Gitfeatures Tue 20-Feb-18 21:03:16

Has your mum apologised for the way she treated him, or is 'being civil' roughly translated to barely hiding her disdain?

How would you feel if the situation were reversed and his mother treated you in the same manner?

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