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AIBU?

Who was being the most unreasonable?

21 replies

ConfessionsOfTeenageDramaQueen · 20/02/2018 19:54

Have n/c, this is LONG and also a few years old but has been playing on my mind recently so am putting it out to the MN jury: which of us was being the most U? (I accept we were probably all at least a bit unreasonable).

The Cast

Me: Lives with boyfriend in studio flat (relevant because we don’t have space for guests)
"Gabby": Long-time family friend who lives abroad
My mum: Has form for inconveniencing entire family (I grew up in a very small 3 bed/1 bath flat) to accommodate guests (she once dragged my dad to stay in a neighbour’s spare room for a week so the daughter of a long-lost friend and her BF could stay in their bedroom)
Younger DB: Living at home post-uni, golden child

The Story

Gabby was visiting London with a new boyfriend (who none of us had ever met) because he was attending a conference. Plan was they’d stay in BF's hotel for 3 nights, he’d fly home and Gabby would stay 1 extra night in my old room at my parents. But at some point, apparently, my mum said in passing to Gabby's mum "she can stay as long as she wants" so just 3 days before the conference Gabby and her BF cancel their hotel and decide to stay at my parents for the whole trip so they can “go mental on spending on other stuff” (actual quote). Except they didn't bother to tell my mum (we only found out when I texted Gabby to ask when she was coming).

Now, I was annoyed because it was my birthday during their stay and after a rough few years (life-changing illness + workplace bullying) my mum knew that all I wanted was a small dinner at home with family only. But if Gabby and her BF were staying obviously they’d have to be invited (even my best friend wasn’t invited btw).

DB was also annoyed, because he a) had stuff planned at home and b) wasn’t comfortable with a stranger (Gabby’s BF) staying.

Despite us both explaining this to our mum, she refused to ask Gabby to go back to the original plan. So DB asked me for Gabby’s mum’s number to ask her to ask Gabby (NO idea why he didn’t call Gabby herself btw). I told him he shouldn't (I knew our mum would be pissed off) but figured he’s an adult and it’s up to him what he does so I gave him her number.

Her mum was obviously really upset and Gabby wasn’t happy but she rebooked her hotel. However my mum was furious - with me - and gave me the silent treatment all through my birthday. When I pointed out it was DB who’d made the phone call she said it was my fault for giving him the number.

And when my mum met up with Gabby’s mum a few months later, she apparently laid all the blame for everything on me to her as well (and not DB).

So I put it to the MN jury - who was the most U?

OP posts:
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Nocabbageinmyeye · 20/02/2018 20:11

Your brother was unreasonable, massively so, how dare he go behind your mothers back.

Yabu for giving him the number, you knew what he was doing, you shouldn't have gotten involved.

Your mother and the friend are unreasonable to blame you over your brother.

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chocolateworshipper · 20/02/2018 20:12

My vote is Gabby - for not telling your Mum she was staying at her house

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Clem7 · 20/02/2018 20:14

Your mum was unreasonable to only blame you. You and your DB were very unreasonable.

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teaandtoast · 20/02/2018 20:15

Your mum was the only unreasonable one, imo.
Though it could be said Gabby and bf were a bit grabby.

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icelollycraving · 20/02/2018 20:16

You are all unreasonable.
Your mum, your brother & Gabby!
Are you talking yet?

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DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 20/02/2018 20:18

Grabby Gabby was a bit rude for intending on turning up for 4 nights and not asking/telling your mum.
I think that was mega cheeky.

But I also think you made a mistake to give your DB the number, as you knew he would call and tell them not to come.

Your mum is entitled to ask whoever she wants to stay so don't think she's done anything wrong, however the silent treatment was childish.

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Perendinate · 20/02/2018 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dozer · 20/02/2018 20:24

Your DM sounds inconsiderate of the family, but assuming you and your DB were both over 18, and that DB did not pay rent to live with your parents, then it was up to her - and your DF - whom to invite to stay and for how long.

Your birthday plans: you could have changed / postponed them.

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HundredMilesAnHour · 20/02/2018 20:24

Gabby was a CF. However, both you and your DB were unreasonable. You don't even live there so you should have kept your nose out. Your DB should never have made that phone call (and you shouldn't have facilitated this). Both of you were massively disrespectful to your DM. It's her house and she should be able to have who she wants there without her adult children interfering.

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RoryAndLogan · 20/02/2018 20:28

Your Mum sounds a bit odd. But it's her house. Gabby sounds rude.

Could you not have just told gabby that your meal was booked and they couldn't add extra places to the booking so you'd see them another night to catch up. Surely they wouldn't be bothered at having a night to themselves?

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SilentEm564 · 20/02/2018 20:48

Going by your OP, I'd say Gabby was the most unreasonble one - for not telling someone she was going to stay at their house!
Your mother was second most unreasonable in having a golden child and laying all the blame on you. Is she usually a good mother, because I think she sounds horrible to you. If she's got history of constantly blaming everything on you, I'd say she's the most unreasonable one.
You and your brother were unreasonable to go behind her back this time. But I read your post as this sort of behaviour has been going on for years and maybe this time you snapped and actually did something.

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Clem7 · 20/02/2018 20:54

You and your brother were unreasonable to go behind her back this time. But I read your post as this sort of behaviour has been going on for years and maybe this time you snapped and actually did something.
But it’s her mother’s house, why shouldn’t she be allowed to invite whoever she likes to stay? Why does the OP, who doesn’t even live there, get a say in who her mother has to visit?

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SilentEm564 · 20/02/2018 21:20

@Clem7 if you re-read my post, my point was that the mother has a golden child according to the OP, and a possible track record for laying all the blame on the OP whether it's fair or not. That made me wonder if she's narcissistic and therefore a horrible person. That would make her unreasonable.

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100lbtolose · 20/02/2018 21:48

You and DB both totally unreasonable. It's your mum's house, she's allowed to extend whatever invitations she wants - for you and your brother to go behind her back like that is incredibly disrespectful.

If I were your mother I would be mortified that my children had embarrassed Gabby by contacting her mother to withdraw an invitation which your mother had extended! Gabby's mother must have thought you were all very rude and odd.

I understand you were upset about your birthday but the appropriate response would have been to have a sensible adult discussion about it, not screw over Gabby and embarrass your mother to suit yourselves.

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ConfessionsOfTeenageDramaQueen · 20/02/2018 21:55

Interesting. I accept I was being at least a bit unreasonable and the reason I didn't tell Gabby myself was because I don't live there anymore and so technically it was none of my business.

But I wanted a bday dinner at home which is why we would have absolutely had to invite them - and I'd never met her boyfriend and really didn't want the first time to be at my intimate bday dinner.

So yes the reason this has been on my mind is because my mother is a narcissist and we're now NC. This was one of a number of incidents I've been thinking about since we went NC and was curious what other people thought.

Also this is a bit of a drip feed but Gabby is one of the pushiest and chronically late people you could ever hope to meet - whatever you plan she makes it about her - and our friendship only really works because we live in different countries.

OP posts:
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ShawshanksRedemption · 20/02/2018 22:14

ConfessionsOfTeenageDramaQueen
But I wanted a bday dinner at home.....


And this was why you got involved (and gave the number to DB) because you didn't want Gabby there.
YABU because your wishes for the dinner meant excluding Gabby, your mum's guest.
Gabby was also BU for inviting herself for longer without checking that direct with your mum, but that was nothing to do with you, just your mum (and DB but only because he lives there).
Your mum was BU by giving you the silent treatment (immature).
Your DB was BU by making the phone call to Gabby's mum.

None of you come out smelling like roses if I'm honest. Communication could've solved this all quite easily.

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DelphiniumBlue · 20/02/2018 22:23

You were all unreasonable, except your Mum, whose house it is.
I don't get the big deal about having a birthday dinner "at home" (not your home any more) and not being able to meet Gabby's boyfriend at your birthday dinner. Does it really matter?
And who said that your Mum laid all the blame on you, rather than on DB, who actually made the call? Could it be that you just heard/were told the bits relating to you?
I do hope this isn't the reason you've gone NC with your Mum.

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Arapaima · 20/02/2018 22:27

You were all unreasonable (for the reasons given above). I’m finding it hard to choose who was the most unreasonable!

I think, on balance, maybe it was your brother. That was really rude of him.

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DeathStare · 20/02/2018 22:30

I have a rule that I NEVER pass on anyone's contact details without their permission. Everything else in this aside, I think you were really unreasonable to do that.

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TotHappy · 20/02/2018 22:38

Brother. If he loves there, even if not his house, he wasn't unreasonable to raise it with your mum. But to cancel an invitation? Mortifying.
She was unreasonable for blaming ONLY you, but you did know what you were doing. I wouldn't have felt like celebrating your birthday with you all smug that you'd got what you want by embarrassing me. Although silent treatment is childish.

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TotHappy · 20/02/2018 22:39

*lives

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