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AIBU?

to be shocked at what my mum just said (Domestic Abuse related).

71 replies

PeppersTheCat · 20/02/2018 15:00

I'm being psychologically abused by my DP. He has also hit me a few times, once while pregnant. He is also trying to extract money from me frequently. I have lashed back when provoked, and he reminds me of this frequently.

We have a 6 month old baby together and kids from previous relationships. I'm trying to give enough info without completely outing myself, so sorry if this sounds vague. I am in the middle of a phd. It is an unusual phd in that it requires nights. The uni have very generously given us the use of a flat for free in which DP and baby can stay while I am studying in a nearby lab. This arrangement will enable me to continue to breastfeed. Without this arrangement, I would be away from my baby for at least 48 hours at a time and mentally that would be unbearable for me. I think it would also be unbearable for my baby as we have a string bond - I am his primary carer and do at least 90% of his care.

Whenever I do something which displeases DP, he threatens to withdraw his support of my PhD (support that was agreed upon before our baby was born). A request of his might be to give him £10 for example, at times £100 has been requested. If I refuse he says he will not come to the flat and look after our baby while I do my lab work. This effectively means I would have to give up PhD or hardly see my baby.

My mum is very familiar with my situation. She is literally the only friend I have. She has been aware of all the abuse and has sympathised. Today when I told DP that I couldn't afford to give him any money above what I give him for monthly groceries as I am only part time, he threatened to withdraw phd support. He said we weren't working as a relationship and we need to split up, that he was miserable and fed up of my drama. He does this every now and then to de-stable me. It puts me in a very awkward and stressful situation with my supervisor and the other people relying on me at work.

I phoned my mum in tears today because I was scared of his latest threat. She told me to do whatever it takes to appease him - cook, clean, money, whatever. She said "women clean after all". She is 67 and surely aware of modern times. I said goodbye and hung up before I snapped.

The only person who loves me is telling me to appease him. I will now be 1950s housewife and also empty my bank account for him. I have no choice other than do this or lose my career or lose the bond with my baby.

Keyboard kings and Women's Aid say LTB but they don't understand the multifaceted risks at stake. I am in chains and live in terror every day.

OP posts:

Report

ExFury · 20/02/2018 15:03

How long have you got left in your PhD? Are his demands increasing the closer you get to finishing?

PeppersTheCat · 20/02/2018 15:04

I have 1 year left.

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Troels · 20/02/2018 15:06

Is there someone else you can get to come and stay in the flat with the baby overnight while you are in the lab?

PeppersTheCat · 20/02/2018 15:06

His demands increased significantly after his ex got an occupation order and started claiming child support for their child. I swear I don't cost him a penny. I buy all of my own food and all of our baby's things.

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PeppersTheCat · 20/02/2018 15:08

Troels my mum is the only person I have in the world, and her mental health is crap. She takes sleeping tablets every night and is dead to the world past 10pm.

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Hont1986 · 20/02/2018 15:08

What your mum said is obviously out-dated and sexist.

Your husband isn't supportive and is abusive.

That said, the example about him asking for money doesn't seem particularly helpful without knowing what the money is for. You're married and have children, money should be shared anyway.

"He said we weren't working as a relationship and we need to split up"

Is this wrong? It seems like you should definitely split up if he has hit you.

PeppersTheCat · 20/02/2018 15:10

So, I only have 2 people in my life: DP and mum. The former loves to see me cry, the latter is sexist.

btw we are NOT married.

The money is usually to buy him something he fancies. Today it was a pizza.

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HollyBayTree · 20/02/2018 15:10

Women do put up with a lot in an abusive relationship until they can leave. YOu often see the phrase 'getting your ducks in a row'. It wont make me popular of course, but only you can judge what is more important to you your sanity and wellbeing or your PHD. It's a trade off. You do have choice and it's your choice to make, but don't say you don't have a choice.

He said we weren't working as a relationship and we need to split up - tell him to get out of your accomodation. I take it he isn't working ?

Go to your supervisor and ask for assistance. At the moment you have free lodgings, if you are working PT you must be entitled to tax credits etc. This isnt insurmountable. Plenty of night workers use antisocial hours child minders - and a bit of tough love coming -you wont lose your bond with your child, thats quite an idealised romantic notion.

PaperdollCartoon · 20/02/2018 15:11

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can see why you feel trapped and there are layers of complexity here. Your mum is from the dark ages and I’m glad you see that. You don’t deserve to stay in this situation.

Is there any way you could take a break in your PhD to extricate yourself from him and come back when baby is a bit older and not breastfeeding? My friend took first maternity and then mental health leave from her PhD and it didn’t affect her funding (which came from a research council). Have you spoken to your supervisor?

Hefzi · 20/02/2018 15:15

OP, I'm not from science, so this might not be of use to you, but if I was your supervisor, I would want to know about this, firstly, so as to be able to offer you appropriate support, and secondly, I would be suggesting that you suspend studies if you wanted to leave him, so that you could concentrate on your baby whilst breastfeeding etc and on creating a new home life without him in it, and then return to complete your PhD once you are able to use childcare etc

I know of an Oxford chemist who was able to suspend for a year, and it's certainly possible in soc sci/arts/humanities etc - it would definitely be worth asking, I think: you sound very isolated and unhappy, and it really doesn't have to be that way

PeppersTheCat · 20/02/2018 15:17

Women do put up with a lot in an abusive relationship until they can leave. YOu often see the phrase 'getting your ducks in a row'. It wont make me popular of course, but only you can judge what is more important to you your sanity and wellbeing or your PHD. It's a trade off. You do have choice and it's your choice to make, but don't say you don't have a choice

Yes I want to get my ducks in a row and finish phd. Problem is, I can never appease him. He is always changing goal posts - today is was money, tomorrow it will be laundry, then it might be cooking.

He does work. He is above average income. We live in a rental property with his name on.

Plenty of night workers use antisocial hours child minders - and a bit of tough love coming -you wont lose your bond with your child, thats quite an idealised romantic notion

Do you think an out-of-hours childminder would come to the flat?

I also do not drive (anxiety). But have booked my first lesson for next week!

When you say, ask supervisor for assistance, what assistance can she give?

Is there any way you could take a break in your PhD to extricate yourself from him and come back when baby is a bit older and not breastfeeding?

That is a very good idea, and I have considered it. Essentially, I am going to book the labs, and if DP does not enable me to do them I will have to take a break from Phd until baby is older. If that happens, I will use the time to learn how to drive. Thanks for talking to me about this. I almost needed the permission to postpone phd. I've never been a quitter and have always been academically conscientious.

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PeppersTheCat · 20/02/2018 15:18

to be able to offer you appropriate support

What support would that be?

Are you an academic?

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kitkatsky · 20/02/2018 15:18

You do have a choice. The sensible option is to leave. Contact your PhD supervisor and see what support they’ll give you to complete. Then bite the bullet and go. It’s going to be tough, logistically and financially, but you are going to get through and come out stronger. He’s going to be evil about all of this, so can I suggest keeping up the breastfeeding as long as possible- this will really help you in terms of custody arrangements etc.

Try not to take what your mum said to heart- she’s a different generation and thinks she’s pointing you in the right direction. She’s not. I’ve been where you are- 7k of savings wiped out, threats to leave and take DD away from me etc... it was horrific but I got through and I’m in such a good place now. Message if you want to talk it over

namechange2222 · 20/02/2018 15:21

This situation sounds unmanageable. Can you defer your phd? He's holding you to ransom and I cant see how you can continue. On the other hand I'm assuming a phd will give you more job opportunities in order to leave the relationship and support your children?
Does he actually work?
And who looks after the other children when he is at the flat with the baby?
Can your mother have the baby at nights?

PeppersTheCat · 20/02/2018 15:22

kitkatsky what happened to your ex? Does he have contact with your child? Does he have a new partner?

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PeppersTheCat · 20/02/2018 15:23

The lab is no place near where my mum lives. I do 2 consecutive nights at a time.

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HollyBayTree · 20/02/2018 15:26

If your DH is an above average earner why is he asking you for £10 for a pizza?

Managers have a duty of care to their employees. If yor manager knows you are in an abusive relationship he/she is best placed to give you some leniency, help you find a child minder etc. Ditto your uni tutor.

Leaving him is do-able and so is keeping up with your PHD.

When he threatens to with draw support, do you mean he refuses to parent his own child of an evening ?

you lost me with this bit though:

The uni have very generously given us the use of a flat for free in which DP and baby can stay while I am studying in a nearby lab and then this bit We live in a rental property with his name on

If the flat is available - ask if you can move into to it permenantly - and get tax credits etc. the uni will have come across this before, they must have a pastoral department. You wont be the first woman with a child in a domestic crisis that needs assistance and you wont be the last.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 20/02/2018 15:26

You said you have a flat for free but that the rental property you live in is in DP's name - how does that work? If you have the free flat available to you then why not just talk to your supervisor and see what help is available so you can live there and organise childcare to suit your hours.

There would be no need for your partner to be involved at all if he can live in his own property.

I've read some of your other threads and things do seem to be coming to a head for you at the moment. Talk to your supervisor, s/he is probably best placed to give you some actual practical support and advice for this particular issue.

bastardkitty · 20/02/2018 15:27

You are paying him to care for your baby. He is blackmailing you. If your mum was advising you to suck it up until your phd is complete, I can understand that but she should be clear that he is abusive. I am sorry you have been through such hard times and have no real support. When was the last time he was violent? You need a plan to leave. Is your baby safe with him?

kitkatsky · 20/02/2018 15:28

Peppers- yes and yes. He had a new partner before I booted him out and is prob into double figures by now but the most recent has been around for about a year so am hopeful he’s settling down.

We went back and forth re access for ages- he was horrible- picked her up from nursery and disappeared for a few hours, reported me to social services etc... all horribly painful and in the end I got a solicitor involved to sort him out. We’re 4.5 years post breakup now and things have been tentatively ok for about 18 months. He dsnt pay a penny towards DD but I’ve accepted that he needs to maintain a certain amount of control and if rather this was financial than using DD to get to me

PeppersTheCat · 20/02/2018 15:28

If your DH is an above average earner why is he asking you for £10 for a pizza?

PLEASE can any of you answer this?????

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diddl · 20/02/2018 15:29

Sorry, but did your mum not mean carry on as you are until the PHD is finished?
(As you seem to have already decided to do?)

PaperdollCartoon · 20/02/2018 15:30

Yes is the flat an option full time? Talk to your supervisor, you never know what might be available.

Also, is the flat on campus/close to campus? I did a fair bit of ad hoc childminding at uni, there may well be a fellow student who could do the job and would already be close by.

fluffyrobin · 20/02/2018 15:30

How about asking at the uni for babysitters in exchange for tuition?

PeppersTheCat · 20/02/2018 15:30

You said you have a flat for free but that the rental property you live in is in DP's name - how does that work?

The flat is next to the lab.

The rental house is our family home and is a good 1 hour drive from the lab.

Our kids from previous relationships are looked after by our exes 50% of the time. The other 50% they are with us in the rental house.

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