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About finding my PIL a little claustrophobic?

(34 Posts)
electricblue2017 Tue 20-Feb-18 12:14:09

My PIL are lovely people. However, me and dh have argued about the use of 'find my friends' as his mum looks to see where he is. He thinks she cares, I think he's 40 and needs to stop being a child. Recent example was tracking us on way back from recent holiday.

Before we moved in together, PIL used to let themselves into his house and do the gardening, ironing and cleaning. Came back to his once to find the bed made and cuddly toys on the pillow. They are now saying they could come over to our new home and do the same.

Am I being aibu to find this an invasion of privacy and claustrophobic, albeit well intentioned? DH says they are just trying to be helpful

4strikes Tue 20-Feb-18 12:17:45

You absolutely need to nip this in the bud!! You are adults and don’t need to be looked after by them.

I would be furious at dh if he didn’t put his foot down on this one. Massive invasion of privacy.

4strikes Tue 20-Feb-18 12:18:28

Also I would change the locks grin

Idontbelieveinthemoon Tue 20-Feb-18 12:21:33

Change the locks, tell them no thanks and see if you can remind your DH that he's a functional, independent adult.

Surely it's odd to be so obsessed with your DCs once they're grown-ups?

ThisIsTheRealMe Tue 20-Feb-18 12:23:51

Omfg that is such an invasion of your life!!!!

Deux Tue 20-Feb-18 12:26:14

Well your DH can start by turning off Location services/find my friends so he can’t be tracked. Don’t give them a key.

It sounds awful.

correctpiece Tue 20-Feb-18 12:35:50

OMG they are stalkers!

Can you tell when they are tracking you or is she telling you she knows where you are?

Tell your DH that you never want sex because she knows what you are doing and to turn the bloody thing off. Or... tell his friends. They'll tell him what they think I'm sure!

Snugglepiggy Tue 20-Feb-18 12:38:56

Absolutely no way should they just let themselves in,even if they are being 'helpful'.Well lived close to PILs and they had a key for emergencies,and babysat -although they generally preferred to have the GC s at their house which was fine by me.I really liked my MIL but wouldn't have wanted her letting herself into our home at her choosing.I wouldn't go into my own DCs houses unless invited or specifically asked to help.

correctpiece Tue 20-Feb-18 12:41:20

Also, stop giving them any information (if you do). Cut way back. If you find yourself chatting about stuff out of habit, make a list (weather, TV programmes, films) to talk about and stick to that. The less they know the better. They need to get a life and they need to get hobbies that isn't babying a 40 year old.

Tell your DH hat if you ever move away they will deteriorate mentally if they do nothing. Tell him HE needs to get them off his back so they can fill their time with new things so they ward off "old age".

correctpiece Tue 20-Feb-18 12:42:49

Or borrow DH's phone and go to some really seedy clubs...

Whatwouldkeithrichardsdo Tue 20-Feb-18 12:44:19

Total no.

I do not tolerate this whatsoever. If my DH wants his mummy to clean house and come in and out as she pleases then he needs to move back home with her.

I had a MIL who was overbearing and ever present. I kicked up such a fuss that they all preferred the quiet life and minding their own business.

Do not allow it and certainly have this sorted before you have children.

ohfourfoxache Tue 20-Feb-18 12:48:09

The tracking thing doesn’t bother me (I can track dh, DSis and ddad and they can track me - mainly for keeping track of dcs and dns as they’re normally with someone with a tracker!)

But letting themselves in regularly just isn’t on

correctpiece Tue 20-Feb-18 15:29:08

ohfourfoxache Will you still be tracking your DCs when they are 40 though?!

JoeyMaynardssolidlump Tue 20-Feb-18 15:37:52

To be honest if some buggers wanted to do my ironing cleaning and gardning for us for free they could wear themselves out.

Bloody brilliant. wink

dreamingofsun Tue 20-Feb-18 15:41:43

My MIL did this for quite a while with my BIL when he moved out. She thought she was being helpful and kind i think, though my husband did point out some of the things mentioned here about privacy and grownups standing on their own 2 feet.

ohfourfoxache Tue 20-Feb-18 15:42:16

grin I don’t know!

But then I’m very very unusual insofar as I’m pro tracking - I feel safer somehow knowing that people know where I am.

If my dc want me to track them then fine, but it has to be up to them. But I certainly will not insist that they have to let me track - to me that would be borderline abusive

LokiBear Tue 20-Feb-18 15:42:22

Do not give them a key!! My ils did this. Popped around to see us and we were out so they let themselves in and mil moved all of my crockery around (I had put it away incorrectly) and fil was mowing the lawn. I have so many other examples too. I got the key back though. They need to back off and your dh needs to grow up.

ohfourfoxache Tue 20-Feb-18 15:46:04

Sorry, should specify - they’ll get a choice when they’re over 18 and/or paying their own bill; but whilst they’re younger I’ll want to chuffing well know where they are. Not to try to curb their fun, but to make sure they’re safe.

Curtainshopping Tue 20-Feb-18 15:50:36

I don’t see a problem with the tracking if both parties willingly agree to it. I have my family on mine and I’m 43!

The gardening, ironing etc. is up to you both as it’s your house together. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to be unhappy with it, and he should respect that. Don’t let them have a key.

LokiBear Tue 20-Feb-18 15:58:25

Btw. I told my ils that we'd given them a key for emergencies and whilst I understood it was well ment, I didn't want them to do it again. They did, so I 'lost' my house keys and got the spare back. They asked for it back a while later and I said 'No thanks, my mum's got a spare'. Didn't have to argue and I got my privacy back. The other day I was complaining about how wilful my dd is after a recent spate of bad behaviour. Mil said 'Well look who she takes after', meaning me. I pointed out that mil didn't know me as a child and she replied 'No I mean now, you never do as you are told and insist on doing everything your own way'!! I'm 35! My mil infantilises her children and hates that I refuse to let her do the same to me. Set your stall out and say no, now.

Bluelady Tue 20-Feb-18 15:58:41

I wish the cleaning fairies visited me. Could she come and clean mine instead? I'll get her favourite biscuits in.

electricblue2017 Tue 20-Feb-18 16:06:10

It's worrying about what I have left out if there is an unannounced unsupervised visit angryblush

DancesWithOtters Tue 20-Feb-18 16:11:45

Do not give them a key.

Hortonlovesahoo Tue 20-Feb-18 16:15:33

I had similar when I moved in with my DH. We’d go away for the weekend and come back and MIL would have ‘cleaned’ and FIL would have done the garden and put things the way they wanted. My DH didn’t want to rock the boat so I gave him two chances and then told him if they did it again, I’d be asking for the key and I wouldn’t be polite about it. They’ve stopped and make a point of saying: we won’t touch anything with a smile.

ClareB83 Tue 20-Feb-18 16:20:07

I don't mind tracking either. Me, DH, my mum and his parents can all track each other. We turn it on for friends if we're meeting in town. It just saves a lot of "are you nearly here" texts, especially useful if driving and unable to text back. But it's based on the idea that we don't stalk each other 24/7.

I also wouldn't mind if my Mum came round and mowed the lawn, tidied up etc. I do think changing the bed is a bit weird and not sure I'd be equally as relaxed about PIL doing it but we're recently married, mum and I are close and it was my house long before I knew DH.

I think I'd just want to set ground rules that I was comfortable with, which in your case might be no keys/no housework. But might be keys for emergencies only. Or keys/if you want to pop a pint of milk in the fridge and pick up the post and water the plants thanks, but please no cleaning/making beds. Just think about what is going to work for you and then set your boundaries.

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