To want to help friend but be struggling to find a balance

[Nicpem1982]

Hiya

Bit of background

My friend and I met through our dcs (3) and have been good friends for pretty much 3 years with no problems we've always helped each other out with bits and bobs and I've always felt that the friendship was balanced.

She's recently had her second dc and although my dh and I are happy to help it's got to the point where its a bit much

For example

I was asked to pick up her dd from nursery as friend was tired (fair enough) and when we reached their house they weren't in and were unreachable so I took dd back to our house I got a text saying she'd popped out and would pick dd up on the way home, she turned up at 645 I'd fed showered and put her dd into pj's and was contemplating putting her to bed with my dd friend said she got side tracked.

She's asked us to help out with taking her dd to an extra curricular activity each week as she's got 2 dcs now, I've offered to split them with her and 2e each do 50/50. She'd rather not and said she'd hoped we'd do them all. Same with swimming class each weekend.

I was asked to attend an event at her dds nursery on her behalf as she doesn't want to take both dcs as it seems like hard work (her words not mine) I offered to go into work late and help her get out of the house with both dcs so she could attend she declined and text my mil who went instead (couldn't go as I'd already booked time off work as went to my own dds event)

She asked me to have her dd for a few hours today which I was happy to do told her I'd take them both to soft play to burn some energy friend wasn't happy with activity and said her dd wanted to do arts and crafts at my house and she'd keep her at home then turned up this afternoon unannounced to drop her dd off and has left

I really don't mind helping my friend but I also don't want so much responsibility for some one else's child. What's the balance here?

[Knittedfairies]

Your friend is veering into CF territory here! She is taking advantage of your good nature; there's no way you should be going into work late in order to help her out. Time to have words, I think..

[AdaColeman]

She's taking the mickey, put a bit of distance between yourself and her, be less available.

[Trinity66]

the cheek!

[Nicpem1982]

Knitted - work is pretty flexible with start time so late is probably the wrong words later would have been better.

I do need to have a word but if she's struggling with recently having a second child I don't want to push her over the edge her family isn't local and she's quite isolated

[CherryMaDeary]

She's taking the piss, OP. She's not a friend anymore, she's a taker.

[SunnySeaShell]

She's totally and utterly taking the piss! You're going to need to speak to her about it but if it's no better I'd be reconsidering the friendship altogether.

[lizkt]

You just have to be busy and not keep agreeing to stuff.

She pulled a fast one today. She wants you to have her child but also wants to dictate what you do and where you go with them?

[Nicpem1982]

Well when she picks her dd up I'll speak with her but need to do it nicely she's quite sensitive at the min

[Willow2017]

She chose to have her kids they are her responsibility not yours.
She is using you for free childcare and expecting to tell you when, where and what you do as well. Knock this on the head now or it will just get worse.

What a damm cheek she has expecting you do do it all for her cos she cant be arsed 'its too much like hard work' Kids are hard work sometimes she should have thought of that before having another one.

Start making excuses why you cant do stuff all the time. Do not take on running her kid here their and everywhere for her or you will be guilt tripped to do it forever. If she cant even share this then she really doesnt care about you at all just how useful you are to her.
You can still have her dd over to play with yours just on your terms. No more unexpectedly dropping off when she thinks she has caught you on the hop.
As they say on mn "No that doesnt work for me" and repeat ad nauseum till she gets the message.

[HollyBayTree]

Do you think she might have PND and cant cope?

[Thehop]

She’s taking the piss. Lazy cow. She’s behaving like she’s got sextuplets.

[Nicpem1982]

Lizkt- I didn't really agree to today me and my dd went to soft play as planned she's turned up unannounced this afternoon and put her dd through my front door and she wandered I to my living room I expected friend to come into house after u loading the car with other child but she didn't , I haven't planned for her to be here and am going to have to cobble together a separate meal as she has religious dietary requirements that do not fit with this evenings menu

Think I need to start locking my front door

[lizkt]

Nicpem, no that's it, I didn't think you had agreed to it - just rather she's sprung it on you with no notice, so she gets what she wants.

[BackforGood]

She's taking the mick.
If you are fetching your dd from Nursery, yes, it's nice to offer to bring hers too (if you are walking, or if you have the right car seat if it is the car), but the point of you bringing her home is that your friend doesn't have to go out. There is no way she shouldn't have been there when you got there, nor then stayed out for hours without any contact or explanation of an emergency. What she did is not fair on you nor her dd.
I wouldn't be taking another child to swimming lessons for more than a couple of weeks to cover an emergency either - that's a lot of hard work trying to get two tinies dried and changed.

[milliemolliemou]

Just say no for the next few weeks and keep your door locked. Don't respond to her calls or emails. Lots of people with new DCS feel tired, have no local family and need help, but dictating what you do with their DCs and not collecting DCs at an appropriate time is pushing it into CF territory. If you back off she may get the help she needs.

[Nicpem1982]

Holly- she's always been a bit disorganised and struggled to get out of the house with one and it's only been the last 18 months she's streamlined her routine enough to get her dd to nursery etc on time

[Avasarala]

Was she like this when she only had one child? Or was it mutual back then and she was still involved. It seems like she's trying to dump her kid as much as possible; if that's how it's always been then you're not going to have any luck changing it and will just need to say no.

If this is new behaviour, then could she maybe have a little postpartum depression? If she doesn't even realise that you can't just put your kid into someone house and then walk away without saying anything.... There must be something messing up her judgment. I agree with you; a gentle chat with her to see if she realises that it's getting out of hand and even tell her that it's fine, but she needs to call you or at least come in and speak to you. She maybe hasn't realised quite how much she's asking.

[Nicpem1982]

Millie- I've cancelled my half term leave so I'll be back at work in the next couple of days, dd is away with mil and dh is away with work so I'm not going to be contactable for the rest of this week as work is so busy I'll pick up her texts after her dd is in bed

[Nicpem1982]

Ava- we did stuff for each other so not like this both dds are comfortable at each others houses so her dd wouldn't question walking into my house unaccompanied

The frequency is new and the length of time is getting longer

[Jammycustard]

That’s not not normal: most people with children have more than one and get their shit together-and don’t always have family to help. I agree with saying no for a while, if she’s annoyed suggest she speak to the HV or GP, and don’t let her fob you off with ‘you’ve only got one’, her behaviour towards you is definitely cheeky.

[GrannyGrissle]

Fuck that shit. She's using you and will drop you like a hot potatoe when you stop parenting her DC.

[Dozer]

Cheeky fuckery!

[StormTreader]

She didnt want you to take her to soft play because she would have had to pay for her entry and she wants FREE childcare - I doubt all of the "oops, she was with you over dinnertime, thanks for feeding her" are totally coincidental either.

[Nicpem1982]

Storm - I wouldn't take money from her for entry like I wouldn't giver her money for entry for my dd either. That's not how our friendship has ever worked