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To not want to go to inlaws anymore because of dh?

(74 Posts)
Sleepyduvetday Mon 19-Feb-18 12:49:58

I want to know if I abu about these things. Dh and I have two dc, we visit in-laws regularly (they ask us to). When we are there these are the sort of things that happen.

Dh ignores any bad behaviour in the dc, if they're getting boisterous or whatever he just leaves me to sort them out like the default parent.

He ignores me when I speak to him or ridicules me.

For example the other day he was saying he felt really unwell, feverish etc. I suggested he take some paracetamol and he told me I was a paracetamol addict and that he didn't take tablets unless he really needed to.

His mum then gave me some lemsips to take home for him, he asked me to make one up for him there and then and his mum said she'd do it, he said no because his mum does enough for him and. I should do it.

He lets his mum run around after him like a two year old, she cooks a meal for everyone, then is left to clear up after everyone. I help by clearing plates, wiping sides but dh just goes and sits down.

BertrandRussell Mon 19-Feb-18 12:51:29

Depends. Do you and/or the children enjoy going?

DannyLaRuesBestFrock Mon 19-Feb-18 12:52:08

Oh yuck. Is he such a manchild at home too? Or just in front of his mumsy wumsy?

Sleepyduvetday Mon 19-Feb-18 12:53:45

Well as in laws go, mine are nice, and yes the children like going, but I hate the way dh treats me when we're there.

Trinity66 Mon 19-Feb-18 12:54:12

have you ever tackled him about it? Would piss me off no end though the men sitting around being waited on while the little women look after them

Eolian Mon 19-Feb-18 12:54:26

Going to the in-laws isn't the problem. The fact that your dh is a lazy, entitled and probably misogynist arse is the problem. He has no right to treat you or his mother like that, whoever's house he's in.

Starlighter Mon 19-Feb-18 12:55:59

I wouldn’t bother visiting the in laws with him anymore if he’s going to behave like that! He can go on his own!

OutyMcOutface Mon 19-Feb-18 12:56:49

But you would effectively be punishing your in laws for his behaviour. Maybe you should stop enabling him.

Sleepyduvetday Mon 19-Feb-18 12:56:56

Yes I've told him.

He denies ignoring me, but he absolutely does.

His answer to letting his mum wait on him hand and foot is to tell me to make his bloody lemsip.

No he's not like this at home, but he was very much so when we first met, he changed because I said I couldn't be with someone who wanted a maid. He does his share always now.

Yet he reverts to type around mum and dad.

ijustwannadance Mon 19-Feb-18 12:56:58

So you have basically bacome his second mother. Stop bloody doing stuff for him and tell him to make his own lemsip. The one that contains paracetamol! hmm

AllStar14 Mon 19-Feb-18 12:57:47

He couldn't make his own fucking lemsip?! Fuck that.

pigeondujour Mon 19-Feb-18 13:00:45

Sorry but I can't get past that he dismissed your suggestion of taking paracetamol then immediately instructed you to make him a drink of liquid paracetamol. I wouldn't be pissed off by someone that thick, I'd be entertained (briefly, and then swiftly bored.)

RecalibratedMilkshake Mon 19-Feb-18 13:01:11

He knows that there's paracetamol in lemsip, doesn't he? Stupid twat.

Sleepyduvetday Mon 19-Feb-18 13:01:14

Exactly, the lemsip that contains paracetamol.

I definitely don't do everything for him at home, but feel I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place at in laws.

I have tackled him about it, recently our youngest dropped crisps all over the floor, I could have just cleared it up but I asked dh to get the dustpan, because I feel he should help too. He did but acted all teenager about it, saying his mum didn't mind.

RecalibratedMilkshake Mon 19-Feb-18 13:01:30

Cross posted!

Starlighter Mon 19-Feb-18 13:02:11

OutyMcOutface: but the in laws are the ones who have created this manchild and the mil is still encouraging this behaviour.

Justanothernameonthepage Mon 19-Feb-18 13:02:53

Can you practice doing a fake laugh 'oh DH, you're so funny. The way you pretend to be unable to do absolutely anything. Be careful though, or DC will begin to believe that acting like that to people who love you is normal, and will end up never being in a happy relationship. MIL, we must do lunch soon with the DC, have you seen new place in town etc'

Sleepyduvetday Mon 19-Feb-18 13:03:33

He's completely dense about anything medical/health wise. I've sort of just got used to it.

To be honest, mil agreed with him about not taking paracetamol unless you're dying, right before giving him the lemsip.

What can you do?

Justanothernameonthepage Mon 19-Feb-18 13:06:18

Oh and childish me would start making plans to see PIL without him, stop doing anything for him and prepare to leave.
Quite frankly, life is too short and precious to stay with a silky middle aged teenager and would hate my DC to think his behaviour is normal.

Bluntness100 Mon 19-Feb-18 13:06:37

You should have just told him to fuck off and make it himself

I'd a situation similar with my late mother in law, was over ironing, I told my husband to fuck off and do it himself. In front of her. My mother in law was appalled and did it for him. I told her to fill her boots but I'd be fucked if I went that route as he was perfectly capable of ironing his own shirts. He didn't make the same mistake twice. She said nothing. She did look marginally embarrassed though.

So every time he does something rude tell him you will say remember we talked about this. And if the behavuour doesn't immediately change after you say it with an apology you will leave with the kids and then do it. It's fine to cause a scene in front of them all

Honestly if my husband had said that about the lemip I'd have told him To do it himself. He wasn't an invalid. Don't do enough for him? What like he's some sort of king. No way. No how.

SashaSashays Mon 19-Feb-18 13:09:40

I think it’s quite difficult as the ‘position’ you take in your family as a child and the original family dynamic can be hard to break out of. Usually it takes a major event, such parent becoming seriously ill or frail and even then it’s hard.

My youngest sister, baby of our family seems to revert to needing help and not really doing much for herself when at home with our parents and other siblings but actually in the rest of her life has a senior professional job and as a busy mother of three never really sits down and is very independent. I see similar with my DH and with friends who revert to a former role with their parents and siblings. I don’t actually think it’s an issue his mum runs round after him if both are happy with that, although I would point out that she is presumably getting older and it won’t go on forever.

I would address lemsip thing as 1) You are not his maid as you said and why should you do these things 2) Why humiliate and undermine you?

You could see your in laws separately or outside of their home too?

CherryMaDeary Mon 19-Feb-18 13:10:52

I can't get past the ignoring. It sounds like you've tried telling how bad his behaviour is?

I would definitely refuse to do anything for the lazy twat while you're at ILs. And make him sort the DC while you're there.

The ignoring is bad. You can either ignore him too or just refuse to go and let him take the DC.

And when he comes home, ignore the fucker to give him a taste of his medicine.

Troels Mon 19-Feb-18 13:14:25

"What did your last slave die from" would be my answer to him saying I should do things for him.

Sleepyduvetday Mon 19-Feb-18 13:15:20

Yes he just point blank ignores me, like I haven't spoken.

I'm not even bothered if his mother wants to run around after him, but for example, say our dc have made a mess eating lunch, dropped food and crumbs on the floor and table, I at least expect him to help ME to wipe it up, and clear their plates, because they are OUR children.

Not just walk away and leave mil to the whole lot.

Confusedbeetle Mon 19-Feb-18 13:15:21

I agree with the other posters. He is reverting to his child behaviours. Why on earth would anyone ask someone else to open his lemsip? I would either take the children to the in laws without him, see them somewhere neutral, or invite them to yours, where they will all behave better and not revert to the old family. If he complains, explain. Make very light of it to mother in law or you will be the villain

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