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To not know whether DH is leaving us?

(239 Posts)
Mittensandmuffins Mon 19-Feb-18 12:03:26

A couple of weeks ago everything changed. DH announced out of the blue one Sunday afternoon that he didn't want to upset me but that he didn't think that we'd be together if we didn't have the children. At the time I was upset by it but didn't take it too much to heart as i thought he might just be having a 'dramatic moment'. However, since then it's like he's had a personality transplant - he is very short with me, speaks to me in a nasty way most of the time, looks at me like he hates me and has cut off all affection (hasn't touched me once since). Even last night when we had a massive argument about it, I felt like we had reached rock bottom and was absolutely devastated and couldn't stop crying, he said 'what's wrong now?' and 'what are you crying for now?'

I have loved this man for 15 years and we have two beautiful children. I have no idea what has come over him as he is just so miserable with his life with me.

I'm feeling very vulnerable at the moment as I have been a SAHM for 4 years, looking after the children, one of whom has special needs. If he left I would have no way of supporting myself and the children financially and would have to move 3 hours away to be closer to my family.

I just can't understand his logic - he has stated so many times how much he loves our little family. He has no friends outside of work (well one, that he sees rarely), and does not have a great relationship with his family, so would be totally alone if he left.

Last night I reached rock bottom and said that he was to make his mind up sharpish whether he was leaving. I said he was either in or he was out, but I was not going to put up with him behaving like this and I'm not jumping through hoops to get him to stay.

This morning he was normal and acting like nothing had happened...I just feel totally on edge all of the time. What should I do? sad

filipafellipa Mon 19-Feb-18 12:05:01

could he be having an affair? could he be depressed?

flowers

Stompythedinosaur Mon 19-Feb-18 12:07:13

That doesn't sound like a good relationship.

I would make plans about how to manage financially without him, even if it means moving away.

Mittensandmuffins Mon 19-Feb-18 12:08:00

filipafellipa He couldn't be having an affair and I don't think he's depressed....

QuiteLikely5 Mon 19-Feb-18 12:10:44

This screams affair

How are you sure it isn’t?

BaldricksTrousers Mon 19-Feb-18 12:11:22

You know the situation best, but how do you know he's not having an affair? From experience if two people want to have an affair they will find a way, using any small amount of time they have and any amount of deception. A complete personality 180 would be explained by an affair.

Makingworkwork Mon 19-Feb-18 12:12:59

I would be collecting financial documents and making an appointment at a solicitors to discuss your financial situation if you do split.

GabriellaMontez Mon 19-Feb-18 12:13:21

How are you so sure there's no affair?

I'd go through his phone and emails. Obviously not how I'd behave in a normal relationship but after his behaviour I wouldn't hesitate.

isthismummy Mon 19-Feb-18 12:13:34

Sorry OP, but this screams affair to me tooflowers

Mittensandmuffins Mon 19-Feb-18 12:13:45

QuiteLikely I know it screams affair but there just is no way. He goes to work and comes home, the rest of the time he is with us. He isn't a sociable person and we, his family, are the only people he spends time with. It would just be impossible.

FizzyGreenWater Mon 19-Feb-18 12:14:42

Yes, he could be having an affair.

And - no, you wouldn't 'have to move 3 hours away'. Your home belongs to you all. You have dependant children who come first. If you're their carer, then YOU'D be staying in THEIR home with them. He could move out if he wanted to. He wants you out? Good luck with taking over that full-time care, dh!

He would have an obligation to support the family - they're still his kids. Make it clear that if he decided to go, no he wouldn't be calling the shots re living and money. It's joint money, it's your home too.

Start making noises about him having to go part time if you split, as you'd be retraining of course and he would need to take care of the children. Oh and he'd be moving out of course - what, did he really think that it would be more sensible for 3 people, two of them chidlren and one with SN, to move out when he's the one who wants to leave and he's just one able-bodied adult? Laugh in his face at that one.

Mittensandmuffins Mon 19-Feb-18 12:16:32

I know his passwords and he knows mine. Trust me, I've checked everything just because I'm going crazy not knowing what is going on.

Trinity66 Mon 19-Feb-18 12:19:37

You need to give him a deadline to decide what he wants to do and stick to it.

Mittensandmuffins Mon 19-Feb-18 12:20:18

I'm just sick of feeling in limbo. I just want him to make a decision - leave or stop behaving the way he is. But I want him to know that if he left then he would absolutely not be coming back when he saw that the grass was not greener....

mrsreynolds Mon 19-Feb-18 12:21:13

He's having an affair with someone at work
Sorry

FizzyGreenWater Mon 19-Feb-18 12:22:12

Well then you need to tackle this.

Counselling - insist on it. You can't live like this. He doesn't get to throw out all these vague threats and then just bimble on. Sit him down and say - we either discuss exactly where all this is coming from, and ideally start counselling, or I will be the one instigating the splitting process because I can't live like this. That will entail, as I see it - YOU moving out or us living separately until we sell the house, I will fight for spousal support while I retrain, as I've taken the career hit being SAHM. I will probably eventually move near to my family for practical support when the money comes out of the house, which you also need to think about - if you don't agree with that, then your only option will be a new job/working pattern yourself so that you can provide an appropriate level of support - don't think for a moment that I'm staying local for your benefit so that you can be a weekend dad - I'll be looking at a 50/50 agreement or near to that so that I can develop career security. And so on and so on...

Let him know that a. you really will not put up with him throwing these bombs and b. he either shapes up or YOU will ship out, and the consequences for him will be enormous.

SAHM does not mean powerless.

Mittensandmuffins Mon 19-Feb-18 12:22:21

I feel powerless in this situation. He's the one with the great job, telling me that he's going to take my children for 50% of the time if he were to leave.

FizzyGreenWater Mon 19-Feb-18 12:23:18

Oh and yes I agree. He may not be having a full on affair, but the overwhelming, OVERWHELMING likelihood is that he's met someone at work.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 19-Feb-18 12:23:20

It'll be someone at work. Or online. It may or may not be an affair (yet) but there is someone else he has his eye on. I'd bet my mortgage on it.

I personally wouldn't be waiting around for him to make a decision. I'm not anyone's option, and neither should you be

Trinity66 Mon 19-Feb-18 12:23:52

FizzyGreenWater Great advice

Bramble71 Mon 19-Feb-18 12:25:58

I think you've done the right thing in challenging him to sort himself out or go after the way you've been treated. Are you prepared to follow through if he continues to treat you so badly or ready in case he does decide to leave? If yes, then I'd be making an appointment to see a solicitor, check up on what benefits you'll be entitled to and also what maintenance you will be able to claim from him.

I don't think you should be the one to leave the family home as you'll likely be the parent with care and the kids will need a roof over their heads, and you're not the one who has changed the family's situation

I wish you all the best, OP.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight Mon 19-Feb-18 12:26:11

Word for word what BitOutofPractice says.

flowers

Justanothernameonthepage Mon 19-Feb-18 12:26:17

My initial thought was either affair or medical issue. Especially if his personality has changed in other ways.
Does he have a history of MH issues? Has he changed in any other way? Is he open to seeing a therapist? GP? Could it be a stroke? Any unchecked symptoms?

Either way, if he's not willing to actually discuss the episode with you, I highly recommend you do a stock take and:
If he walked out now, do you have the practical knowledge regarding bills/fuses etc.
Do you have an emergency fund? (
Are actually married or long term co-habiting?
Can you get a part-time job? Even if it's only Saturday when he takes care of DC?
Do you have a support network?

TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally Mon 19-Feb-18 12:26:20

Another one saying that this screams affair. Someone at work?

Get copies of important documents and see a solicitor and get your ducks in a row. It doesn't hurt to be prepared.

I would also be telling him quite firmly that he doesn't get to stride around the place being miserable and expecting you to jump through hoops to try and 'keep' him - he either wants to be married or he doesn't.

BigChocFrenzy Mon 19-Feb-18 12:29:31

Affair at work.

Several years ago, my old boss led important visitors into a posh conference room - and they found a couple shagging on the conference table.
Most folk are more discreet than that

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