To expect my ex to tell his family he’s fathered a child?

[Pregnantandfierce]

Just that really. Ex and I had been planing a baby and voila bean is baking in the oven. Ex broke up with me a few weeks ago and went back to his ex girlfriend (whom he has left over and over again - but that’s an entirely different story). Even though this was planned and I can evidence that (messages, emails etc.) he has told me he will have nothing to do with the baby. I’ve accepted that but told him I’d like his 3 children to have the opportunity to have contact should they wish to (they are all adults). He has said im being crazy and he doesn’t want them to know. For my baby’s sake I’d like to at least have tried. I was willing to allow him to broach the subject with his children but he’s refusing. I know they are not my kids and what he does with them has nothing to do with me, but, AIBU to believe they, along with my baby have a right to know they co-exist? I have half sisters and I’d hate for my parents to have kept us a secret.

I’m very emotional at the moment and just want to make sure i’m not being irrational.

[DeathStare]

I think that's up to him. And to be honest what his (other) children get told is none of your business. There's nothing you can do anyway unless you are seriously considering turning up in the lives of three children and telling them - which would be an awful thing to do.

I also think if you push at this one you could well stir up a hornets nest. Were you the OW? From your post it sounds a little like you were - like he left his ex for you and has now gone back to her. (Apologies if I've read this wrong) But if you were that's going to add to the highly charged emotions on all sides too

[Snowysky20009]

How long were you together for?

[Allthewaves]

How long were you together when you decided to try for a baby?

How friendly are you with his parents?

[CotswoldStrife]

Evidence? That seems an odd thing to discuss and retain texts/emails about. Why did you do that? More to this than you've said here, I think.

[Pregnantandfierce]

Hi @Dearh - no not the OW. The OW he has gone back to isn’t his ex wife it’s a woman he dated when we split up for 5 months. Unfortunately he’s gone back to her each time we’ve had a disagreement. I was with him for 5 years in total. I’ve met his kids and there were no issues there.

His parents live in the US and are pretty elderly but I have their contact info. As a consequence of their age I didn’t want to rock the boat and upset them but maybe contacting them would be an idea in the first instance?

I don’t actually want to contact anyone - just expected my ex to at least tell people irrespective of whether he is now off with someone else and deciding to have nothing to do with our baby.

Don’t want to be the vindictive bitch ex girlfriend but I would like my baby to know who it’s other family is.

[Pregnantandfierce]

Hi @Cotswold - to clarify, he suggested to a mutual friend of ours that I had trapped him so I produced our text messages to prove that what he was saying was lies - that the pregnancy was totally planned and that we had been trying for a long time. He needs some plausible deniability for his actions so he’a levelling all sorts of lies at the moment, including: me not actually being pregnant, the baby not being his (I’ve only been with him), him never wanting more children etc.

[TheHungryDonkey]

The other kids are adults and I expect the poster has kept the emails because her ex has probably made her feel like she’s going mad about The whole situation.

My son has three half siblings who don’t know about him. I personally think it’s not good for siblings to grow up not knowing about the existence of others. I think family secrets like that are unhealthy.

But you are unlikely to change his mind by the sound of it.

[Allthewaves]

so how many times has he gone back to her over the 5 years

[Gemini69]

Keep the messages because he WILL tell people you tried to trap him... but No.. you cannot insist he tell his other children they have a sibling... sorry but that's not your place .. enjoy your lovely pregnancy

[Pregnantandfierce]

@hungry and @gemini - spot on, he’s a classic gas lighter, he’s made me feel like I’m mad over the years. I was pretty flabbergasted when he said I’d trapped him because it’s palpably not true, he was the one pushing to start a family as we’d suffered mc’s previously. I think that’s what has hurt me so badly, the lies. But he can’t very well tell his new gf, family and friends that he’s walked out on his pregnant gf because they’d think he’s a scum bag. Telling his ex and my friends I trapped him kinda let’s him off the hook to an extent.

I was thinking of contacting his ex wife to ask her for some advice, there’s no bad blood between us and she is a lovely woman, she might be able to give me some guidance on whether the kids would benefit from knowing.

[Pregnantandfierce]

@allinthewaves - twice x

[mustbemad17]

If they're adults i'd tell them. Just because he's being a prick doesn't mean his kids shouldn't have the choice to be in their sibling's life.

[VladmirsPoutine]

Something here isn't really adding up. And there sounds like there's a bit of bitterness on your part. You should have run for the hills and I think that's the fallout your feeling now. He kept leaving her over and over again, had 3 adult children and I doubt he was faithful for 5 years with you.

It's awful but here you find yourself. Stop chasing him and or his family. Live yours.

Wish you and your baby all the best, it's time that you move on.

[WorraLiberty]

When you split up for 5 months, how long ago was that?

[mummmy2017]

You have met them, so you have every right to tell them...
Stop thinking you have to hide you don't, this man made a baby and now your being treated like some muck secret.
Stuff him, tell them.

[HappyFeet1212]

Don't contact his kids, this really is nothing to do with them.

This situation is sad enough as it is. Focus on doing the best for you & the baby. If he doesn't to know there's not much you can do, contacting his family wont change that. They will side with him & you risk being on the receiving end of more ill feeling.

Leave it be & get on with your life.

[TheHungryDonkey]

Its not easy to move on when you’re in that kind of situation. It’s deeply upsetting and it’s the unfairness of being branded a liar that’s one of the hardest things to get over because it’s so, so unfair. It takes time.

Chat to the ex wife if you think it will help but I would be cautious about approaching anyone else. If you’ve been painted as a liar it will just confirm his story probably. Sounds like he came out the same dick head mould as my son’s dad.

[Coyoacan]

If they're adults i'd tell them. Just because he's being a prick doesn't mean his kids shouldn't have the choice to be in their sibling's life

Well, even if there is vindictiveness, everyone has a right to know who their other siblings are.

[Pregnantandfierce]

Yes @mustbe - I feel pretty horrendous that his children may never know our baby exists. They are such lovely DC and I know they’d love the baby because they are good people.

@Vladmir - when they were together during our break he broke up with her countless times, believe they were only together some 3-4 months. Of course I am bitter, who wouldn’t be? The man I loved and planned a child with walked out on me and his unborn baby, I’m humble enough to admit that. I just want my baby to know who it’s family is, it seems crazy in my world for my ex’s side never to have a look in. By way of explanation he’s in his fifties, hence adult children.

@Worral - Jan 2016 so quite some ago now. Unfortunately she found it difficult to let go and sent him letters, emails, pictures of them etc and just wouldn’t leave us get on with our lives. I don’t blame her, I think like me, he damaged her and she struggled to move on and find normality.

[mustbemad17]

Pregnant I'm 24 weeks currently, my partner walked out had a midlife crisisjust before Christmas. His kids are 23 & 25, had he not told them I would most definitely have done so. He doesn't get a say in whether they have a relationship. So you'd be well within your rights.
I have a nephew I never knew about until last year because my knob of a brother didn't want anything to do with him....it's pissed me off no end. I'd be furious if that was my sibling & my dad decided his say was final.

[Pregnantandfierce]

I’m really grateful for all of the responses - there seems to be a split of opinions. Really, as much as I’m hurting and am angry with him the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, especially his children. I’d never try and hurt him through his children, ever. I just find it nuts that I know how children and have to keep this a secret.

I’m going to sleep on it tonight and decide tomorrow because this is really bothering me, I just want to do the right thing for my baby.

[Cowsopinion]

I can't believe men like this exist. Well I can, my ex didn't tell his family. Our DD wasn't planned but there was no need for her to be a dirty secret.

I told all his family. Felt good at the time.

[Pregnantandfierce]

@mustbe - I’d be gutted if my dad had kept my half sisters a total secret. I love them dearly and don’t even consider them ‘half’ which is why I feel so conflicted about this.

[PinkHeart5914]

Honestly if they are adults I would tell them myself, why should they be denied the chance to know their sibling because his a knob? They should be allowed to decide for themselves

[Italiangreyhound]

I'd tell them when the pregnancy is a bit further along.

Of course they need to know.

Make sure ex pays his way for the baby he helped to create.

Good luck and enjoy your baby. Don't let this unreliable moron spoil any of it for you.