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Jealous of my lovely niece

(48 Posts)
BoDidley Sun 18-Feb-18 20:10:04

NC here because I know I am being pathetic so this is more of a 'Why am I so pathetic' rather than AIBU.

My niece by marriage is 19, gorgeous, great figure, loads of friends, boyfriend, always out partying and loving uni life. I've been in her life since she was 12 (DH is her mum's brother).

I obviously care about her and she is a lovely girl but I can't help feeling a teeny bit sad and jealous. When I was her age I was overweight, wore glasses, didn't have many friends, had some minor health issues and still lived at home. I didn't have a proper boyfriend until well on into my 20s. I'm now very happily married to DH with DS and like to think I look quite nice and have good friends.

DH is close to his niece and they regularly chat on WhatsApp etc and he always shows me pictures she sends him of her ready to go for nights out. While I always say the right things, I can't help but feel sad that I didn't have her life at her age. I feel sometimes as though I missed out on so much in my teens and early 20s.

I just need to give myself a shake, be grateful for what I have and actually be thankful i'm not her age again, don't I?

ScarfAndGlassesgirl Sun 18-Feb-18 20:16:59

Yes to be frank yabu
We all live our lives and your jealous that you don't have/didn't have yours. We all need to live our "best lives" she's living hers like a normal 19yo.
So wore glasses lives at home overweight...I don't see why any of those stopped you from living your teenage/early 20s to the full? Minor health problems- did these mean that living life to the full was out of reach?
Ultimately you need to live in the now.

What's stopping you living your "best life" now?? I'm late 20s... married 1dc. I have an amazing group of girlfriends and disposable income. I live close to a major UK City and have a good job. I wouldn't want to be 19 again but I'm happy with where I am now. Are you happy with where you are now? I'm in no way jealous of my 18 and 20 up cousins bit like I say because I feel fulfilled myself..maybe that is the bigger issue?

You feel jealous because your not fulfilled yourself?

PinkChestnut Sun 18-Feb-18 20:18:23

Nothing is ever that clear cut op! I work with a girl who's 19 too and sounds like your niece, and going by her Facebook you'd think she had it all but in work she's always telling us her woes, boyfriend problems, etc etc! Focus on what you have now smile sounds good

Bunbunbunny Sun 18-Feb-18 20:21:14

It’s easy to look at someone younger & wish you had experienced the same. Problem is you can’t change the past, you do need to focus what is good in your life right now & what you can look forward to in the future.

You say you’re happy now, if you didn’t have the life you had would you have ended up where you are now with your DH & dS? Your teenage years may have not been what you wanted but it’s lead you to your life today so try to see it as a positive.

MattBerrysHair Sun 18-Feb-18 20:22:16

I feel sometimes as though I missed out on so much in my teens and early 20s

You run the risk of missing out now as well as your focus is on the past instead of the present. There are always people better, and worse, off than ourselves, but their lives have no bearing on ours unless you let them. Ask yourself where you'd rather be and what you'd rather be doing: in the present with your dh and dc having a lovely time, or wallowing in self-pity about a life you didn't have?

Marriedwithchildren5 Sun 18-Feb-18 20:23:05

Am i being a bit weird thinking its odd to send pics to her uncle getting ready for a night out? I'm part of a close family and certainly wouldn't send pics to my uncle of me off on a night out!

missyB1 Sun 18-Feb-18 20:23:47

But there are lots of people who might be jealous of your life OP. I suspect it’s not really jealousy of your niece, more a sadness about how you viewed yourself at that age.

Mind you it is natural to envy others sometimes, I’m guilty of that myself.

BoDidley Sun 18-Feb-18 20:23:48

Scarf I am actually fulfilled now. I have a good job, nice house, lovely husband, adorable DS and a crazy dog! I just think I didn't make the most of my younger years (which is my own fault I suppose!) When I look at DS I hope when he's older he has more of the fun times I know DH had rather than my experiences! And yet, at the time, I don't remember being unhappy. It's just more now looking back.

tumblrpigeon Sun 18-Feb-18 20:26:01

I think the feelings you have are not uncommon actually .
I feel like that about several of my younger relatives !
They seem to have things so much easier than I did.

And how come young people these days are so blooming gorgeous ?!

Acknowledge the feelings for what they are and have a bit of a laugh at yourself.

eurgh2018 Sun 18-Feb-18 20:26:34

I thought same as @Marriedwithchildren5 and wondered OP if it's this that's subconsciously making you uncomfortable resulting in you projecting as jealousy of her life ifyswim?

BoDidley Sun 18-Feb-18 20:27:55

Married, I don't have any siblings or blood nieces myself, and I don't have the kind of relationship with my uncle where I would have done that at her age but they are a close family. DH was 14 when she was born and she sends them to her other aunts and uncles too and posts them on FB. I'm not really looking for a discussion on whether it's appropriate or not!

ScarfAndGlassesgirl Sun 18-Feb-18 20:28:54

So you feel like you missed out back the but don't keep that cycle going!! Make sure than in 10 to 20 years time when you look back at this point you don't feel that you missed out. Organise good night's out for you dh and your friends. Go on mini breaks or gigs etc. You may have missed out when you were 19/20 and feel a bit jealous so make sure that doesn't continue and live life to the full from now on

BoDidley Sun 18-Feb-18 20:29:57

Eugh, no it doesn't make me uncomfortable. My DH shows me the pics. If she wasn't his niece and just some random girl I might be concerned! grin

BoDidley Sun 18-Feb-18 20:31:49

I think you all make great points and I actually feel better! My life might not have turned out the same and I wouldn't swap DH and DS (or even the dog!) for the world!

MattBerrysHair Sun 18-Feb-18 20:32:57

I just think I didn't make the most of my younger years (which is my own fault I suppose!)

Can you not see the irony Op? Were you a ruminating analytical sort in your teens and twenties too? While you waste your energy dwelling on the past you aren't making the most of the now.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Sun 18-Feb-18 20:34:00

I agree with pigeon it's fairly impossible not to feel a bit jealous when you compare yourself to a beautiful 19 year-old!
It's ok to recognise that feeling as long as it's not affecting your relationship with your niece.

I sat next to a stunning young woman in a hairdressers; full of tales of her exciting social life and left thinking God when did I get so old and boring? grin

I also think it's a bit strange that she regularly sends her uncle pics of herself all done up for a night out. confused

Sagelistener Sun 18-Feb-18 20:36:26

I'd say give yourself a moment of self-pity if you need to and then move on. Don't let comparison steal your joy. Everyone has their own issues to deal with (even when it sometimes seems like others don't!)

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered Sun 18-Feb-18 20:36:27

V odd that she sends her uncle photos of her ready for a night out! That's actually a bit creepy. What on earth does he reply? confused

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Sun 18-Feb-18 20:38:50

When I say strange, I don't mean she is flirting with her uncle or anything ridiculous like that in sending pics! It seems a bit odd as it's a bit self absorbed of her to think he'd be interested in her outfits for a night out?
It's not really something an uncle would generally give a hoot about.

TwinklyGiraffe Sun 18-Feb-18 20:39:02

I don’t think you are really jealous of your niece, rather envious of what you’d have liked at 19!

Focus in what you have now and making happiness for your family!

TrustNaeFuckerEver Sun 18-Feb-18 20:42:32

YANBU

I look at my son's gorgeous girlfriend and get a bit wistful for my past youth rather than jealous which I suspect is what you are really feeling.

I grew up in the 80's though, the time that fashion forgot, so I blame it on that grin

BoDidley Sun 18-Feb-18 20:46:09

AHedgehog, he just says she looks nice and not to drink too much!

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail Sun 18-Feb-18 20:49:11

Something is missing from your life now, maybe? Some fun and excitement?

BoDidley Sun 18-Feb-18 20:49:13

Ilostit, yeah I don't think there's anything creepy in it, certainly not on DH's side!

Eilasor Sun 18-Feb-18 20:50:35

YABU, but I understand.

I'm a bit jealous of my 19 year old sister. She's travelling South America at the moment and having the absolute time of her life. I was married, a mum and pregnant again at 19. I chose that life for myself and I've actually had a great (difficult, but great) life - I do wish I'd taken the time to travel and explore on my own before settling down, though. My sister is my favourite person in the world and I'm so happy for her but I'm definitely jealous! She sends photos in the family group chat and individually to all of us all the time which certainly adds to the jealousy for me.

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