This isn't an AIBU but....

[bitzy12]

I didn't know where else to post.

This is about my grandad and wether i want to continue a relationship with him.

My grandad lives on his own an hour away from me. He's extremely stubborn, miserable, not interested in anything etc etc. We have tried to get him to move closer to us, he won't. My dads even offered for him to move in, he won't. We've talked to him about a home to go into, he won't. He's set in his ways big time. His wife died about 15 years ago and he's barely left the house since. We really really have tried to help him but he just will not budge. We used to take him out to the pub for lunch but he won't even do that now - unless it's a hospital appointment he refuses to leave.

He has always had a relationship with my dad but disowned my uncle when he was a child. My uncle is married now, has a son, his own business, he's done so well for him self. My grandad wants absolutely nothing to do with him. He says his son is 'dead to him'. My poor uncle has done nothing wrong. My grandad cheated and left my grandma to bring up her 2 sons on her own. For whatever reason, my grandad kept in touch with my dad but not my uncle - my uncle is a fair few years younger. My dad tried to show him a picture of his son and grandson recently and he said 'oh look at them pair of ugly sods' my cousin is 10 years old and a beautiful little boy :-(

So he lives an hour away, I don't see him often now basically because everytime I go, he acts like he doesn't want to see me. I always just let it go over my head until the last time I saw him.

I have 2 dcs, eldest is autistic. He doesn't like going in people's houses so he just waited in the car - usually we would go to the pub and that's fine but going into my grandads house is a huge change and too much for him. My grandad is a heavy smoker and his house is awful, it absolutely stinks and the windows are yellow. Infact everything is yellow. I can't bare to be in there for longer than half an hour.

So my son was in the car and I was checking on him constantly - I could just look out of the window to check he was fine but I needed the fresh air lol. My son all of a sudden said he wanted to come in which is a massive thing for him. So we went inside.

Now I don't expect my grandad to understand autism, however I do expect him to be respectful around my children. He knows my son has special needs but it means nothing to him. My son was very clingy to me when we went in as it's new, he didn't want to sit down so we stood - that's fine. To which my grandad said to my son 'what a miserable bugger you are, go and wait back in the car'

My dad was also with us and told my grandad that was unacceptable. My grandad just grunted. So then it was pretty much time to leave. DD gave him a hug and a kiss. He then pointed at my son and said 'I don't want one from you'

My dad told me not to bother taking the dcs anymore as they aren't comfortable in his house which is totally fair and my grandad will just continue to be rude to my son.

So that's that really. This all happened just before Christmas. It's his birthday next week and usually I'd be thinking of another trip over but I just don't want too. There's no way I think I'll ever take my son to see him again so that's a relationship he's totally missed out on.

The sad part is my son actually wanted to see him and was prepared to do something that was quite uncomfortable for him in order to do so....

Given these comments and the recent ones about my uncle and cousin, I just feel like giving up on him. He's so sorry for himself and the way his life has turned out but unfortunately he only has himself to blame. He made many mistakes years and years ago and he still takes it out in everyone else.

I don't want to regret anything when he's not here anymore so I probably will visit him on my own from now on but I just feel so angry at the way he's treated my family......I'll probably just grit my teeth and bare it....then leave.


I also need to say he's very much of a sound mind. This isn't any sort of dementia etc, he is in no way losing no his memory. He's just a very stubborn and angry man....

[Hoppinggreen]

What exactly do you or any of your children get out of this other than not feeling guilty?
I have no idea why you would bother with him at all

[bitzy12]

Hobestly? Nothing. Just that apart from me and my dad, he has no one. My sister gave up on him years ago and hasn't seen him since. He isn't bothered either. If my dad mentions her he just shakes his head. He isn't interested in how she's getting on in life.

I just think I'm the last one apart from my dad. He isn't gonna change now so when the time comes, I don't want him to die with having no one but my dad in his life.

Oh I don't know, I'm only thinking this as it's his birthday and wether I should visit. I honestly don't want too. He doesn't appreciate the fact that all together it's a 2 hour drive, it costs money in fuel also and he doesn't even appreciate the visit. My dad goes once a week at the min

[Ilovecamping]

If you don't want to go don't, you cannot change his situation or attitude, you have done what you can so don't beat yourself up.

[beboldbebluntbehonest]

I honestly wouldn't bother going again.

[MrsCrabbyTree]

I would go only if your father wanted your support and company for the trip. Don't worry about your grandfather's feelings. You reap what you sow, but I suspect it's too late for him to learn that lesson.

[HoldMeCloserTonyDanza]

Why is your dad falling over himself trying to help (moving in?!) the man who has treated his mother, brother, nephew, daughters and now grandson so appallingly?

I’d say you need some self respect and to avoid engaging with such a nasty and cruel person, but it’s obvious where you learned that it’s ok to allow someone to treat you like shit.

What must your grandmother and uncle think/have thought, to see your father fawning over someone who has mistreated them so badly.

[beluga425]

We'll it kind of is an AIBU and I think YANBU. Your granddad is pretty horrible. Does he respond if people say he has been out of order? Would it help to ask him if he actually wants visitors?

[ADuckNamedSplash]

You said you don't want to regret anything when he's not here anymore. Just wanted to let you know that I was in a similar position with my grandad and I eventually decided not to continue making an effort with him. He died 6 months ago and I have no regrets.

I agree with PP that you reap what you sow - don't feel badly about the consequences your grandad has brought upon himself. Should he ever regret it, he can pick up the phone and try to make amends, but the fact that he hasn't done so for all the relatives he's already estranged from suggests that severing relationships doesn't bother him.

[KC225]

I agree with the above poster, only feel obliged if your Dad wants your support. Your Grandad sounds like a bitter and selfish old man. Fancy treating your child like that and the awful things he said about his other son and grandchild. He is not going to loose sleep over you not visiting as it seems he no problems cutting people off. I suggest you do the same OP, although being the decent and caring person you are, it won't be as easy for you.

Support your Dad asking if he needs anything to make his trips easier. Spend your time with people who appreciate and return it.

[bitzy12]

Thanks for everyone's replies. I'm glad that people agree that I shouldn't feel guilty.

I agree that I should be there for my dad - my dad will always let me know how he's getting on etc and sometimes will mention me visiting. I think if I visit again, I will only go with my dad and not take my dcs.

As for why I have anything to do with him, he's my grandad. I'm was brought up visiting him all the time without knowing what he had done. My grandmother passed away a long long time ago now and it was only after then that I found out what he had done. By this time, his wife had also died and he was just a lonely old man. I didn't feel I could just walk away from him. This was years ago though when he would make the effort. He would write to me and I'd write back. I'd send him loads of pictures of ds as a baby and he would put them all around his house.

Now if I send him any, he just gives me them back so I don't bother anymore. He used to come for Christmas and even come on holidays with us. It's only the last few years he's gone down hill and become even more feeling sorry for himself. He will say now he's just ready to die.

I'm close with my uncle but not once had my grandad ever been brought up in conversation. I think my grandad is also dead to my uncle but I don't blame him for that. And to be honest, my cousin isn't really missing out on having a grandad is he? My cousin has absolutely no idea who he is. Luckily he has an amazing grandad on his mums side who he's very close too.

I feel better now I've posted as it has been niggling me. I think I'm only going to send a card for his birthday, I don't plan on visiting anytime soon unless my dad is struggling for any reason.