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To feel sad for new mums and all the scary comments?

(293 Posts)
RelaxEnjoy Sun 18-Feb-18 15:52:27

I say this because I suffered terribly with antenatal depression, made horrendously worse by a lot of comments, such as...

"You'll always feel tired"

"BF is so difficult and sore but you'll get through it if that's what you want"

"You will never feel alone again"

Etc etc etc

Sleep deprivation being the biggest comments thrown at me hmm

Here's my experience, expectant mums:

DS slept through from birth, and by 4 weeks was going 12 hour stretches. He still does this, I've never slept so much in my life. He's made me incredibly lazy blush

He had no issues latching on, and he was tongue tied. I didn't even have so much as a cracked nipple. It was bliss. I wasn't going to breastfeed, everyone made me feel like it would be impossible. I thought DS would sleep better on formula, so said to myself I'd only give him the colostrum. Well I carried on because it was so easy and convenient. Still feeding now smile

I always had relaxing baths during the early weeks! DS not only slept through but obviously slept a lot during the day because newborns are very sleepy. Whilst he done this, I would enjoy a hot soak in the bath 🛀

I have to schedule this more carefully now he's older as he doesn't nap as much, but I just give him to DH for an hour and have some time to myself.

He is with me all day and I'm rarely by myself, but I think that should be encouraged and natural. I think a DC should work as an extension of you. It isn't something to fear, it's lovely. It's a natural transition from bump to Mum.

I confronted all the commenters now, and remind them what they said to me whilst vulnerable and pregnant. They constantly move the goal post with things like "yeah but wait till". I no longer listen. Don't listen

I'm not saying everything will all go smoothly for you but if there are any hiccups, take them in your stride. Accept and go with it. Listen to your baby, listen to what they need and just go with it

Relax thanks

RelaxEnjoy Sun 18-Feb-18 15:56:07

Oh and if you do decide breastfeeding isn't for you, don't worry! I think the only thing you're missing is the convenience of whipping the tit out, whenever, wherever.

I don't think health benefits from it are all that large and important. Your state of mind and enjoyment of your baby should come first

AChickenCalledKorma Sun 18-Feb-18 15:56:30

I really appreciate the sentiment, but I have to come back to you on your statement that "newborns are very sleepy".

Some newborns are very sleepy. However, some really, really aren't. And for the parents of those babies, sleep deprivation is a massive issue so please don't dismiss it with a hmm.

RelaxEnjoy Sun 18-Feb-18 15:58:02

AChicken Oh I'm definitely not dismissing that they're not all sleepy!

The raised eyebrow was at the comments given to me whilst in a vulnerable position, all laid out to me like it was fact that I would be exhausted

ThisLittleKitty Sun 18-Feb-18 16:00:01

Oh and if you do decide breastfeeding isn't for you, don't worry! I think the only thing you're missing is the convenience of whipping the tit out, whenever, wherever.

I think a lot of people don't think it's that simple. There seems to be a lot of embarrassment around feeding in public/infront of people. I bf all mine but still get a lot of comments every time I "whip it out." Comments such as "you must feel like a cow"...

RelaxEnjoy Sun 18-Feb-18 16:01:47

This it's interesting because a lot of new mums I speak to feel embarrassed to feed their DC formula in public so it can definitely work both ways

RedForFilth Sun 18-Feb-18 16:02:22

But different people experience different things. So you could say your post might make feel struggling mum's feel worse. People know all the comments surrounding sleep etc prior to having children anyway surely?

ThisLittleKitty Sun 18-Feb-18 16:03:28

Really wow I've never heard of that since ff is the norm in this country. I do know mums who would bf indoors but use formula for out and about as they felt embarrassed bf in public.

RelaxEnjoy Sun 18-Feb-18 16:05:38

Red my post is more to say things can go either way and therefore the horrors of feeling like a zombie may not be the case for that Mum at all

I don't like how people seem to talk like sleep deprivation is a given, when it isn't always

BackforGood Sun 18-Feb-18 16:06:12

Really ?

Has it not crossed your mind just how unhelpful your post is to Mums of much more typical newborns, who don't sleep, and who don't* manage to breastfeed easily, and who ^don't have the luxury of 2 mins to them self ? hmm

yolkybokey Sun 18-Feb-18 16:06:12

Sorry but as someone who's DS has never slept more than 4 hours in a row in his entire 6 month life, your post makes me feel a bit crap.

RelaxEnjoy Sun 18-Feb-18 16:06:41

Kitty I agree, I was shocked too. I did feel quite conscious feeding in public for the first one or two times but soon realised not a soul was batting an eyelid

TwitterQueen1 Sun 18-Feb-18 16:07:31

Well that's all very nice for you dear hmm
Bear in mind though that every single baby is different and your experience of a baby sleeping through from birth is highly unusual.

And as for this I think a DC should work as an extension of you I have no idea what you actually mean by this, but no, just no. Babies are not extensions of anyone. They are individuals.

I'm happy that you're having such a lovely experience but if your post is designed to reassure other new mothers I suspect it will have the opposite effect.

RemainOptimistic Sun 18-Feb-18 16:08:01

Not really sure what your point is. I find it's better to expect the worst, and then be pleasantly surprised, than the other way around. I expected hell on earth with DS but so far it's just been hard at times and great fun the rest of it. I'd rather that than be expecting a constant state of motherly bliss and then get crushed by unrealistic expectations.

Thatsnotmybody Sun 18-Feb-18 16:09:42

While it sounds like you lucked out with a very easy baby, I'd agree that some of the "preparing you" that people love to do is massively unhelpful. Basically from the moment you're pregnant people seem to bang on about how much you've ruined your life! I can't imagine people doing the same if you for example got a new job or got engaged. Pregnancy, birth, and having a baby can be hard or can be easy, no one has a crystal ball so telling you how it's going to be seems pointless and cruel.

ThisLittleKitty Sun 18-Feb-18 16:09:55

That's good no one noticed when you did but I had a family completely stop eating and turn around and stare at me mouths wide open. Everyone's experience is different.

RelaxEnjoy Sun 18-Feb-18 16:10:27

Well horses for courses but for me, reading too much into the bad and negatives of parenthood just made me miserable

And it's not that unusual, my mum's children were the same and so are my cousin's children. Good sleepers aren't rare

Fluffiest Sun 18-Feb-18 16:12:25

I think the comments that seem negative and scary to you are comforting and supportive to the mums who do have difficult experiences like sleep deprivation.

As you have had a more enjoyable experience those comments might now seem as scare mongering vulnerable women but that's only a small annoyance. If you had struggled to breastfeed or have a child who didn't sleep those same comments could have been a big reassurance. Those comments are made because they are true for lots of women and we need to know that it is normal.

TheDoggyFew Sun 18-Feb-18 16:13:17

I heard so much scaremongering when I was pregnant that when the baby arrived, it was actually a pleasant surprise. She was about average as a baby, sometimes slept, sometimes didn't, but certainly nothing like the horror show of blood, guts, regret and misery that I'd been promised. So weirdly enough, it worked out well for me, and I suspect if I'd thought it was all like the Mothercare catalogue I would have sunk into a depression at the reality. Good grief, I did hear some shit though. One of my coworkers in particular couldn't see me lift a magazine over lunch break without gleefully informing me I'd never get a chance to read again. Someone else told me they would give me six weeks after having the baby before I would inevitably cut off all my waist length hair. Total nonsense

Birdsgottafly Sun 18-Feb-18 16:14:58

I think its best that new Mums expect to be knackered, have a baby/toddler glued to them and be pleasantly surprised if it goes better.

I always feel sorry for Mums who haven't been around difficult babies and theirs in and they are drained and struggling to cope.

If you had been talking about Birth horror stories, then I would have agreed with you.

Income, housing and family support makes the experience different, as well.

RelaxEnjoy Sun 18-Feb-18 16:15:07

Thats you're right, it is pointless and cruel to expectant mums - insisting on all the horrors they'll go through

It's not a guaranteed given that you'll get a baby that doesn't sleep

My son was quite vocal until his cows milk protein allergy was confirmed. He would constantly be miserable and scream in the evenings for a few weeks but I did get my full night's sleep so it wasn't bad

I felt sad for him though, not fed up of his relentless cries. I just knew he was in pain and there was nothing I could do about it. That's the worst part as a Mum

Family now like to keep moving goal posts, such as "wait till he's teething" and "wait till sleep regression at 4 months"

None of which happened and was pointless and cruel to go on and on about!

TheDoggyFew Sun 18-Feb-18 16:15:14

I'm a contrary little shit though, so if you tell me to do one thing, I'll do the opposite.

QueenofmyPrinces Sun 18-Feb-18 16:15:30

I’m sure you had good intentions with your post but I fear that all you’ve achieved is to make new mums who are struggling with normal newborn behaviours pretty bad about themselves.

If I was exhausted and struggling with breast feeding and unable to find 5 minutes to have a shower and then read your post I’m pretty sure it would bring me to tears and make wonder what I was doing so wrong when I’m simply doing my best.

Lilonetwo Sun 18-Feb-18 16:16:06

It's nice to see such a positive post about new mum life.
Thank you for giving me some hope my second (due soon) will be easier than my first smile

Thelampshadelady Sun 18-Feb-18 16:16:17

Yanbu. I’m only able to take 3 months maternity leave and I’ve had negative comments from nearly everyone I’ve told.
‘I was still a mess when xxxx was that age’
‘You’ll be so tired, you’ll never manage’
‘Well you won’t be able to breastfeed will you’
Well it wasn’t so long ago woman didn’t get the benefit of 9 months off, including my mum. She and I were just fine.

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