To not make DD share?(238 Posts)
I visited an attraction yesterday with two other mums and their children. So 6 children in total between ages 2-7.At the end, we visited the gift shop before spending half an hour in the play park by the exit. The other children chose various toys, pencils, usual gift shop tat. I've always been very strict with DD and gift shops, as she finds them a bit overwhelming and we don't have the money to buy from them every time we are out. However I gave her a few pounds and eventually she chose some sweets.
So we all started walking towards the park, and the children were all clutching the things they'd bought and showing each other, and one of the little girls asked DD for a sweet. DD hasn't opened them, she was just holding them, and she told the little girl this nicely. The little girl went up to her mum and said "DD won't share her sweets with me". Her mum turned to DD and said quite loudly "Of course she will, I'm sure DD doesn't mind sharing them around, do you DD?"
At this point I could see tears welling in DD's eyes and she looked really uncomfortable, so I said "oh, sorry but I think she's saving them for later". DD nodded, so I asked would she like to keep them in my bag, and she did. The mum looked really miffed, and the little girl became quite cross and did the whole "it's not faaaair, she has sweeeeeeties".
I did wonder if I should make DD share, but she was the only child who had bought sweets, and if she shared with one child she'd have to share with the rest, leaving DD with almost nothing, while the other children had their items intact. This didn't seem fair to me, a lot of the children had been bought quite big items too, soft toys etc.
During the rest of the time at the park, this little girl kept glaring at DD, going over and muttering to her mum, and at one point came over to hover near me, staring pointedly at my bag.
On the way home in the car, DD was a bit quiet. I asked her if she was OK, and she said X had come up to her in the park and said she was mean for not sharing. I told her she wasn't mean, because all the other children had chosen to buy toys instead of sweets and nobody was asking them to share their bouncy balls, pencils etc. We had a chat about how sometimes we should share but sometimes it's OK not to, as long as we are polite about it.
I am on a WhatsApp group with the other mums, and that evening there were the usual "what a lovely day" comments, however the mum of the child who had asked for the sweets then made a comment along the lines of "hope chocolate's DD enjoyed her sweets, X was upset all the way home that she wouldn't share, I had to stop at the garage and buy her some, lol!" lots of smiley faces, but I felt it was passive aggressive. I just messaged back saying "well, DD only got that little packet of sweets and I'd rather she didn't eat them so close to teatime" and left it at that. I can see the other mum has read the message but hasn't replied since.
So was I right to not make DD share? She's an only child but certainly not spoilt, and we've never had any problems with her sharing toys etc. She's quite quiet and more likely to give something up to a more demanding child. I feel I was right to stick up for her, I'm all for sharing but not when it means handing over the one thing you have to others who already have plenty. Am prepared to be told I am BU though.
No, they choose different items and could have had sweets if they wanted too. Your DD wanted to save them so I would have done the same.
Yanbu. If the girl wanted sweets she should have chosen them instead.
You were right. They all had the opportunity to choose sweets and they didn't.
They didn't have to share so why should dd.
You were right. The other mum is being really weird!
YANBU. I completely agree with you. The other girl sounds spoilt and demanding (and her mother too).
Yanbu. If it was me, I probably would have put the sweets straight into my bag, saying she could have them after dinner. If one of my friend's children had asked for one, I would have said "you got pencils, didn't you, X? How lovely! You can draw a picture later!" Or something like that, to diffuse the child.
You were right, in fact I’d have pointed out to the other kid and said “but dear, if you wanted sweeties you should’ve asked your mummy to buy you some instead of a ball/toy/pencil” etc
I’m mean like that tho
Other Mum is being weird. how well do you know her?
I didn’t teach my children to blanket share. I would suggest that they could if they wanted to and talk about generousity etc etc. But it was their choice.
Both of my dcs are very kind and thoughtful. They take turns, they make/buy things for people etc.
I find the worst kids are those who expect to “share” aka take without considering the feelings of those they’ve taken from.
Other Mum is being U. Her child could have chosen sweets but didn’t, that was her choice. Also good to teach your DD not to get loads of plastic tat she doesn’t need just because you’re in a gift shop.
I think you modelled how to take charge of a situation in a pleasant manner to your DD.
Nope you were right. Other mum was a cheeky witch and her child an entitled mare.
Would have made me quite cross.
I think I would have put them staight in my bag to avoid this but maybe other child should have been told to go back and exchange her choice for sweets by her mum.
YANBU. İt's all very well adults expecting children to share, but. How would we feel if someone came into our home and started using our washing machines make up eating our food, drinking our wine ect.
Thats their property. If the other child wanted sweets she should have bought sweets. It's called not being able to have the best of both worlds.
The girl does sound spoilt, too. Who stops at a garage to get sweets for a whining child who didn't choose sweets but wanted some of her friend's?!
Sorry, I forgot to add- the sweets were specific to the attraction, so in a special little bag, and there wasn't very many of them, maybe a dozen at the max (overpriced souvenir sweets, I know, I know, but they had a ribbon on them so DD was sold) but it wasn't like it was a massive bag of Skittles or something, if DD had shared them round she'd be left with no more than half, if she was lucky. Probably less
This little girl is quite preoccupied with food in general, she's always talking about it, asking what's for lunch /dinner, asking for more. Obviously most DC do, but she does seem think about it more than usual!
I know exactly what you mean about if you share with one person, there's soon nothing left!
In the vending machine at my daughter's school, they used to sell little bags of 6 Oreos, and my daughter always used to get so frustrated that if she bought one, girls who she wasn't even friends with would all start asking her for them, leaving her with just one!
In the end, she just refused to share at all, and I was pleased she was standing up for herself.
Too many girls are socialised to inconvenience themselves so as not to sightly put out others.
You were right. If the other child wanted sweets she should have chosen them instead of choosing —tat— something else from the shop. The other mother clearly thinks her own child is the most important child in the world and everyone else should bow down and give in to her to keep life simple.
Some kids do like a one way share though. What was she sharing in return? Nothing by sounds of it.
Doubt the other mum/dd will change their entitled ways but I'd be embarrassed if my dd went begging sweets off people like that. It's lovely to offer but it's not compulsory - sometimes a treat just for you is lovelier!
If I was the parent of the other child I would have talked to them about being greedy, expecting to have the item they bought with their money as well as taking the sweets.
She had the only item which could physically be shared, doesn't mean everyone's entitled to a share.
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