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To feel raped

(36 Posts)
namechange2019 Sat 17-Feb-18 23:55:52

Posting here to get honest replies.

After the birth of my child I developed severe post natal depression and anxiety. Partner and I started arguing loads, I refused to believe I had a problem and it spiralled out of control. We became a toxic partnership as he didn't understand the cause of my behaviour and nor did I.

It ended up with me seeking help from a woman's charity, I left my home to start again without my partner as this is what was suggested. The police became involved as when answering a questionnaire my ex partner was deemed a rapist.

The question was "did you let partner pressure you into sex and were there times you did not consent to sexual relations".

Without even thinking I answered yes. I remembered a time where he hadn't asked (as often happens in relationships) and I just let him do it, I had tears rolling down my face and was silently crying wishing for him to stop.

He wasn't to know this, it was in a position we often did before childbirth and he wouldn't have seen my face. Yes he may have noticed lack of effort but looking back I can say I was not raped. However this feeling of not having been raped only came once I had been on medication to treat my depression and anxiety.

The police got involved and pressured me into giving an interview and answering more questions. Telling me that I'd been abused and my partner was a rapist - after months of depression it's actually easier to hear you're not the problem.

After the birth of my child to my eventual recovery is honestly such a haze, it doesn't even feel like it was me experiencing that time.

Much time has passed and me and my ex are in a good place believe it or not. However his mum has told many people about this rape claim after a huge argument between her and my ex and although she knows the ins and outs she has continued to turn people against us. Calling us sick and twisted, me in particular for lying about being raped. She tells certain people that he is a rapist and others that I am a liar - depending on the audience (must be noted that she has her own undiagnosed mental health issues).

AIBU to say that although I now know I my ex is not a rapist, during my post natal depression I did feel raped? Can both be true?

Mybrows Sun 18-Feb-18 00:58:27

She sounds insane. Ignore everything she's saying. Why does she even know about this? You need to go NC with her, she's nothing to do with you. You know the truth and you are hopefully coparenting successfully with your ex so what she is saying doesn't matter. Nobody worth anything will be interested in hearing this personal information/speculation from her.

BertieBotts Sun 18-Feb-18 01:39:06

Yes, I think both can be true.

I had a similar experience with my ex. I did feel pressured into sex with him but I don't know that if I had said no outright, he wouldn't have stopped. After the birth of my child sex was painful and our relationship was shit so we only had sex a total of four times. I remember during the last time wishing that he would stop but being too afraid to say so in case he refused. He didn't know that I was so unhappy. I was very likely appearing uninterested but that was normal for us at that point. I don't class it as rape, it would not legally be rape, and I wouldn't call him a rapist. But I cried when he was finished and felt violated, and we never had sex again because I couldn't bring myself to risk the same position again.

It was a breakdown in communication and the relationship was not sexually healthy to begin with - and yours doesn't sound as though it was very healthy either - a partner not being concerned at a lack of interest is a bad sign, as is your idea that it's normal for partners just to start having sex without actually asking or seeking any kind of validation/consent even if it's nonverbal.

In fact under more up to date UK law it might have been seen as coercive control, but this is hard to quantify.

Rarity75 Sun 18-Feb-18 01:39:41

Tears rolling down your face? Didn’t say no because you felt you had to comply? I afraid I agree with the police. That sounds a lot like coercive rape.

His DM is a nasty woman who is playing the situation as best befits her audience. Ignore her.

I hope you have accessed some help to deal with the emotional fall out from this relationship and that you are ok OP.

BertieBotts Sun 18-Feb-18 01:40:28

And YY - definitely stop contact with the xMIL especially as you're on good terms with ex! He can facilitate any contact between DC and grandmother if he wants to - you certainly don't owe that to her and it might well be better if DC does stay away too, as she sounds quite the drama queen.

Birdsgottafly Sun 18-Feb-18 01:43:11

His Mother has Mental Health issues, so you can't let her influence your thinking at all.

As said, it might be best to go NC with her. She certainly isn't thinking about her Grandchild when she is saying these things. It was a private matter and not for public consumption.

To answer your question, there's truth in both statements, but the situation wasn't as black and white as that.

Would you be going over this if it wasn't for her? If so perhaps seek further help.

BertieBotts Sun 18-Feb-18 01:43:59

It's also possible for both things to be true. You might have been difficult to live with but your ex might have also been controlling. Perhaps not an awful terrible person but there might have been tendencies there. If he had grown up with a manipulative mother sadly these patterns do often repeat as he might not have had the chance to learn healthy ways of dealing with problems in relationships.

IMightMentionGriddlebone Sun 18-Feb-18 01:49:36

Both can be simultaneously true.

The question that determines whether you were raped is whether you were consenting.

I am afraid this sounds like rape to me.

The question that determines whether he is a rapist is whether he could reasonably have been expected to notice you weren't consenting. I think the situation sounds awful, and I don't see how you can have sex with someone and not notice that they're crying. But you were actually there. If you are certain he couldn't have been expected to notice, then maybe he's not a rapist. But that doesn't mean you weren't raped. You're entitled to support to deal with the effects of that, even if he didn't realise he was doing it.

HangingRoundInABofAlorsStance Sun 18-Feb-18 01:53:30

did you let partner pressure you into sex and were there times you did not consent to sexual relations?

These should have been two separate questions.
the first part is coercive
the second part is rape
the two are different ends of an abusive spectrum - aziz ansari to harvey weinstein
you have a right to your feelings - if your ex is still amicable with you then potentially he must realise that Enthusiastic Consent was missing.

namechange2019 Sun 18-Feb-18 01:54:25

She knows as she was the one I stupidly turned to, as did he when he moved out. We are both completely NC with her and we know she is a vile woman. One of her audiences happens to be his other child's mother. They've used the situation to bond and call us all sorts. She also uses it to ensure he can't see his child as she fears them being around me.

It's hard as I did trust him mum, the whole experience has ruined my trust and faith in everybody. I probably do need some extra help to deal with his mothers betrayal to be honest. I think about her and what she's saying almost every day

namechange2019 Sun 18-Feb-18 01:56:07

And yes we both acknowledge poor communication and total lack of understanding. I think he ended up with depression too, since this he has realised how awful his mum really is. Some of the stories he's told me since are horrific, hence complete NC.

IMightMentionGriddlebone Sun 18-Feb-18 01:59:27

This is a problem that worries a lot of women, who think that maybe their feelings of violation don't count because the man involved didn't realise.

Maybe he didn't. Maybe he's genuinely just a selfish lover, who pays no attention to his partner. But that has nothing to do with the validity of your feelings.

If someone broke your foot but accidentally stepping on it, would your foot hurt less than if they'd done it deliberately? If someone breaks your foot deliberately, that's a crime. If someone does it by accident, it probably isn't a chargeable offence. But would you be less deserving of pain-killers and medical treatment for your broken foot because they hadn't meant to hurt you?

Italiangreyhound Sun 18-Feb-18 02:04:40

I'm so sorry for your experiences. Please go no contact with your ex's mum. She sounds very toxic and you definitely do not need this in your life.

I'd also go as far as to say that your child does not need this toxicity in their life, but that is up to you.

thanks I am sorry for all you have been through.

namechange2019 Sun 18-Feb-18 02:10:25

IMIght during that period he would probably admit to being selfish at times. We were two people so far below rock bottom.

Being called "scum of the earth" by his ex has hit me in a funny way. Usually I couldn't give a toss what people think but the idea of his mum encouraging people to have these views of me has angered me beyond belief. And for t to be used against me just doesn't feel right. He is not a rapist, but at my lowest point things were not clear.

I just wish I could go back and stop this all from unravelling like it did, it's ruined so much.

HangingRoundInABofAlorsStance Sun 18-Feb-18 02:14:01

Why would his ex have concerns her child would have contact with you on access visits, are you back with your ex?

namechange2019 Sun 18-Feb-18 02:18:46

No but we live very close and he mainly sees our children at mine and I go out as he doesn't have anywhere appropriate for them to stay at the moment.

We are incredibly amicable when it comes to the kids and our able to push the past aside. We just want to remain close for the children's sake, he wants to put them to bed every other night and things like that. I know that sounds completely crazy after what's happened but it is what it is I guess

HangingRoundInABofAlorsStance Sun 18-Feb-18 02:21:02

So he would bring their child over to yours and do both access visits together? did they all get to know each other as half-siblings then?

namechange2019 Sun 18-Feb-18 02:27:34

To be honest the conversation between them has never gotten as far as making arrangements. Yes they do know each other as siblings, it's only the baby that his other child doesn't know.

He asks to sort something out, she just screams that we are a "rape house" and that he can f**k off. Before this all happened he was fighting to see his child, she's always been difficult and now she's teamed up with his mother it's all gotten so much worse.

I would happily leave for a weekend for them to all spend time together, even leave the county and stay with relatives. So there are ways for me to not be an issue, but as I've said before this she disliked me anyway so until I die I don't think she'll be happy

HangingRoundInABofAlorsStance Sun 18-Feb-18 02:28:00

Bottom line - only your co-parenting relationship and your kids matter in this. Not your ex MIL or ex's ex.
If he has problems with custody of his other child then he needs to have somewhere appropriate to host them in, that counts for his kids with you as well. Obviously cannot be his mum's, so he needs to fight for contact elsewhere.

namechange2019 Sun 18-Feb-18 02:33:36

Completely true. I just cannot shift the guilt and it's starting to keep me up at night. I don't feel like a liar but I feel as though this is all my fault

HangingRoundInABofAlorsStance Sun 18-Feb-18 02:35:08

It is not your fight. It's his.
It all sounds very toxic.
As for what his ex said, it is unpleasant but she does not know the relationship or your state at the time.
Assuming CPS did not touch it - if they did and your ex now has a conviction I cannot say I would be happy with custody not in a contact centre either.

HangingRoundInABofAlorsStance Sun 18-Feb-18 02:37:48

From her point of view: either her ex is a rapist or you are a liar, there won't be a grey area once the police became involved.

namechange2019 Sun 18-Feb-18 02:41:56

No they didn't and he hasn't, her issue is with me not him, shes been told I lied and that's how she will always feel. It was highly toxic, it's all very calm and our kids are safe and happy. It's just this mother and ex issue I need to work through. Guess I just need to accept it for what it is and move on and maybe tell him I no longer can hear about his custody issues as it's just delaying my own mental health recovery

HangingRoundInABofAlorsStance Sun 18-Feb-18 02:44:34

and even if she recognises that situations can be a lot more complicated than a b/w scenario, again - you left your ex when the relationship became a toxic one. Her responsibility is to her own child and that means limiting access or insisting on accompanied access if she believes the father is abusive or putting child into a toxic environment.

torBrowser Sun 18-Feb-18 02:47:57

I think you can feel raped but I don't think you were.

Based on what you've said, there was no coercion or threat of violence. You said about no explicit consent - this is normal in a relationship and that he wouldn't have seen you were crying.
Using @IMightMentionGriddlebone's analogy, no crime was committed and whilst you're entitled to sympathy or support, you weren't raped and he isn't a rapist.

I can't see where there's a gray area.

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