My oldest friend is ghosting me - I’m so upset.

[MintyChops]

Just that really. I haven’t heard from her since before Christmas. I live in Ireland, she lives in England. We have known each other for almost 35 years, since we were 9. For the last few years she has been pretty bad at keeping in touch, not replying to texts for a few weeks etc and I have been open with her that I miss her but understand that she had a lot on her plate.

Anyway, it has been 2 months since I heard from her and this despite two texts and two voicemails from me. I honestly don’t know what could have happened but it feels like she is ignoring me and I really don’t know why. I have asked her if everything is ok but no answer. I’m very upset and just really doubting myself and feel so sad. AIBU for feeling so upset by this? How do I deal with it? Please be kind, I am feeling very hurt and don’t know how to move forward.

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

It sounds as though it's been a bit one-sided for a long time, doesn't it?

Take a step back and wait for her to get in touch with you. You've done your bit and now you need to wait. It is hard - she might be involved with new friends and feel that as you're not living nearby, she'd rather focus on them. That does happen.

[Tainbri]

Do they have a controlling partner or anything like that? Could she be suffering from anxiety? Is there more to it?

[Howdydoodyfolks]

It is hurtful isnt it, particularly when you have no idea why.
Sometimes I find it is best to "mirror" people especially when you have tried. Just leave her as she is leaving you. If she does get in touch then take the lead from her as to how it is played - cool/friendly/apologetic/backing off etc xx

[MatildaTheCat]

When did you last actually see one another? Sometimes people just feel that one part of their life is over. Perhaps she feels that you haven’t taken the hint from her slow responses and lack of initiative.

I think this is unkind but a frequent approach to people not wishing to have a difficult conversation. If you were to speak to her and she said that she simply didn’t feel that you had anything in common/ were too needy/ too self centred etc etc, be honest, could you take that? ( Not saying any of these are the case, just examples of why people give up on friendships).

If you need closure maybe send her a card saying you valued her friendship but sense that for her it is over however you’d really like to know what went wrong and if she would be kind enough to explain you will not bother her any further. Wish her well and thank her for the good times you shared.

It does hurt but be truthful, we’ve all had a friend or two for whom we just lose the love. It’s life. Sorry.

[Sparklesocks]

OP I’m so sorry, I’ve had a similar thing recently in my group of friends - we’ve all been mates for 15 years but one of the group just stopped talking to us in October - not responding in the group WhatsApp, not replying to texts or fb messages and not turning up to social things we’ve organised. Eventually she just ‘left’ the chats. We all tried individually to reach out but she ignored us all, ignoring calls and messages etc. What can you do though? You can’t force people to talk to you..
We were all really hurt by it at first, but now we are angry, how can she just ditch us without explanation - and give us no opportunity to hear what exactly we’ve done wrong?

It’s very upsetting, a bit like a romantic break up, and you feel extra hurt they didn’t even ‘end’ it well. Allow yourself to be upset, but try to pick up the pieces and move on - you deserve someone who treats you better.

[swanmills]

This exact thing happened to me. We'd been best friends since age 10. Then suddenly around 24 (I'm only 26 now) I completely stopped hearing from her. I had seen her in the October and didn't hear from her until the May. I completely understand life moves on. She got a very good job in the city and I know worked crazy hours and was exhausted but it very much felt like she was just leaving her "old life" behind. I by no means expected phone calls and texts all the time and it may sound petty to some but we were the type of friends always tagging each other in silly things on Facebook or Instagram or forwarding eachother links to events etc. So there was a constant flow of communication and it suddenly stopped and I mean suddenly! I'd seen her one evening for movies and wine then nothing for weeks. It started to become far too one sided and I i only heard from her if I texted first but she'd never really respond leaving room for an open ended conversation. she almost replied as if I were someone she barely knew rather than our usual jokey selves. We finally arranged to meet in the May then the night before asked if it was ok if she bought two of her friends along and that was the last straw for me. That was May 2017 and haven't spoken since.

Sorry to give such a long account of my own issues!! But I really think that when friendships start to become a strain it's a huge red flag. As I said life sort of moves on and we can all get busy and bogged down with life but t takes two seconds to send a text seeing how you are or whatever. I've never been a needy friend, if anything I sometimes have to consciously make sure I'm being a good communicative friend ! Id leave it maybe until the end of the month then write her a really genuine text and see what's up. don't be too accusatory or suggest she's been a bad friends because she'll just get defensive. Just check everything is ok because you haven't heard from her in a while and you miss her etc. After that if she doesn't respond there's not much else you can do. It's hard. I find friendship break ups are worse than relationship break ups !

[MintyChops]

Yes, it has been one-sided for a long time and that has also been very difficult for me. She was my best friend growing up and has always been very important to me, my home life wasn’t very happy and she and her family were a refuge for me. To be honest my self-esteem has taken a real hit over the last few years, feeling like if I didn’t get in touch then it would fizzle out.

She doesn’t have a controlling partner. The only thing I can think of that may have caused this is that I went to her SIL’s 50th birthday party at the end of November and didn’t tell her about it as I was waiting to catch up by phone or in person at Christmas and that never happened. I was sort of expecting to see her then. Perhaps she came back at Christmas and all her family (most of whom were there) mentioned it. It seems mental when I write it down but that is literally all I can think of.

[NewYearNewMe18]

Is it possible shes depressed?

[sonjadog]

Two months isn´t very long. I often don't hear from friends living in other countries for up to six months at a time. I think it is early to say that she is ghosting you.

[ShiftyMcGifty]

Why did you go to her SIL’s party? Are you friends with her or did you only get invited as the family friend/X’s best friend. And how did you not send a text to her saying you were attending her family function or contact her right after asking about her (assuming the only reason you were invited is because you’re her childhood friend?)

[SheilaTurnip]

It sounds like the party put her nose out of joint ... why wasn’t she there ?

[UsedtobeFeckless]

Might be worth sending her a short message saying you miss her and feel like you are drifting apart - l was on the recieving end of one of these and it jolted me into taking a bit more notice - the friend who sent it was single, unemployed and a bit anxious and overthinky and l had a family, a job and no spare time. The little message made me realise l needed to prioritise her a bit more or lose the connection. It all ended happily, we see more of each other now and l'm glad she was honest with me about her worries.

[Aquamarine1029]

You have 2 options. You can sit there and wonder until doomsday why she is ignoring you, or you can be the bigger person and ASK her what is going on. If the friendship is over, it's over, but at least you will have some form of closure. But it is possible that her distance has nothing to do with you. She might be going through a difficult time and doesn't have the mental energy to deal with anything or anyone else.

[MintyChops]

I am friends with her SIL, close enough to invite each other to big parties and housewarming’s so I was there in my own right rather than as her friend if that makes sense. I did text her the day after and said I had seen SIL, so I just assumed she knew that meant at the party. I don’t know why I was’t more explicit actually. I don’t know why she wasn’t there; I did ask her sister but she had had some sort of falling out with her and has not been in contact either.

It is possible she is depressed or anxious, she has suffered from both in the past (as have I so perhaps I am over thinking everything). I know 2months doesn’t seem that long but in that time there would normally have been a Happy Christmas, Happy new year and Happy birthday message from her (she is godmother to DS2 whose birthday is at the end of December). I think it must have pissed her off that I was at the party.

Thank you to all those sharing their stories too, this just feels horrible and how can I ever apologise for pissing her off if she won’t take my calls? Perhaps a letter is the only way but I don’t want to be like a stalker either.

[MintyChops]

I have asked her twice now what is going on. Once by text to say hey, is everything ok, haven’t heard from you in a while and a voicemail to say I’m worried that I haven’t heard from you has something happened? I don’t know what else I can do.

[Hellywelly10]

It's tough but it's best to leave it now. The ball is in her court. You don't know whats going on in her life at the moment. It's crap though

[MintyChops]

Yes, I will have to leave it but it feels really crap. Thank you all.

[HaggisMuncher]

Could she be depressed?
I had a similar situation with my oldest friend a few years ago, we live a couple of hundred miles apart but spoke fairly regularly. She blanked my calls, texts and messages for about a year, then one day out of the blue got in touch. Found out much later that she had been struggling with depression. It's taken a while but we're back on an even keel now, and I think (hope!) She knows I'm there for her no matter what.

Your friend's silence must be hurtful and difficult to understand, but might well be reflective of something else going on in her life, so don't write her off just yet x

[MintyChops]

Thank you Haggis, how did you deal with it for that year before you knew the reason why? I feel like I have been charged, tried and convicted of a crime I am unaware of having committed.

[Tainbri]

Like Haggis, I thought anxiety/depression. You could consider writing a letter/ sending a card? It can have a lot more impact than a text which is easy to ignore on a day to day basis, but a letter makes people sit up and notice as it's so unusual these days. You can only do so much if someone won't reciprocate but it if she's having issues it's showing you care and giving her the chance to reach out.

[Lizzie48]

I was thinking anxiety/depression as well. I haven't been well for sometime, suffering from PTSD and depression. It's so difficult to find the energy to stay in touch with friends. I lost one friend as a result but she was very high maintenance and I was actually relieved. (Not saying you're necessarily high maintenance, by the way!)

The point is, it's not necessarily about you, OP. It's only 2 months.

[notthe1Parrot]

Could it be that she has shared too many confidences with you in the past, and now wants to detach from those memories?

I had a friend who confided in me all about her marriage problems, and I felt I had been a good support to her. When her husband was no longer around and she had a new partner, that was the end of the friendship. No cards, calls etc.

I think it was possibly because she didn't want any links to her previous life, and didn't want her new partner to pick up any details about her marriage.

[PutUpWithRain]

Agree with depression/anxiety. It's nothing you've done, it's just possible that she doesn't feel able to respond. I've done this so often to people that I've lost most of my friends who don't know about my MH issues. And the more they try to contact me, the more overwhelmed I feel by it, so can't even send a breezy 'sorry! I'm fine, just busy!' reply. And the longer I leave it, the worse it gets.

hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html explains it pretty well - and yes, the writer had/has depression.

[Andylion]

I don’t know why she wasn’t there; I did ask her sister but she had had some sort of falling out with her and has not been in contact either.

I know it was the SiL's party and it seems to be your friend's sister with whom she's had a falling out, but maybe she thinks you were somehow taking sides in a family dispute by attending the party?

[HaggisMuncher]

I got upset every so often but tried not to react in a petty way (though I felt very petty) and kept giving her a call or text from time to time. It is hard and TBH by the end of the year in had pretty much written our friendship off. When she did get in touch I didn't press the issue with her and eventually she explained how she had been feeling. She's had the occasional relapse over the last few years but now I know when she drops off the radar its probably depression rather than anything I have done. The suggestion of sending a letter might be worth a shot, and otherwise I reckon it's probably about being there for her when she's ready to talk xx