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AIBU to not want to share my family holiday with a friend?

(125 Posts)
Everywhereilookaround Wed 14-Feb-18 08:24:01

I feel bad even asking this question, but would appreciate thoughts.

I'm a lone parent and I'm planning a road trip with my DS this summer. Camping, lots time just the two of us, beautiful beaches and relaxed stress free adventure. DS has autism and i work full time. Life is generally pretty tough. This is our big adventure. Its life changing stuff and I just want to share it with DS.
My friend is coming, and is really excited. Thing is I didn't invite her, but she has been an absolute rock and I couldn't bear to hurt her feelings. I couldn't have survived without her.
DS adores her. However ...they do all the fun stuff together, while I mostly get told what a rubbish mum I am because I do the hard stuff. And believe me it's hard with autism.
When we all go out together it's usually fine, however I become the one left out, and shes makes decisions, go against what I say or disregards my parenting. I know i can't challenge this because they have such a great relationship and well... usually it's just for a day. I can step back and be quietly thankful to her for letting me have a rare quiet moment. Not many people would be so understanding of autism. I know that too having lost friends as DS has grown.

But a whole huge road trip.It changes it from a family holiday to something very different. I know I'm jealous and that's an ugly feeling, but I struggle to make ends meet, do all the hard work and still get the short straw when it comes to having DS spend time with me. Plus I won't be able to do all the stuff I wanted to with another person on board, that's more food, more cooking and less 1-1 time with my boy.
AIBU for not wanting to share that precious rare family time with someone so kind and generous to us.

Singlebutmarried Wed 14-Feb-18 08:27:30

How long is the trip? Could you do some with and some without?

CuriousaboutSamphire Wed 14-Feb-18 08:28:29

She has invited herself? She undermines you? She is his friend more than she is yours? She encourages him to criticise you as his mother?

And you say she has been a rock... yes, one you are banging your head against.

Take her to one side and tell her, calmly, that she has to uninvite herself from your holiday, you planned 1-2-1 time with your own child and that is what you will have.

She doesn't sound all that generous, she sounds a little too involved, lacking in boundaries.

notsohippychick Wed 14-Feb-18 08:33:30

Having two children with autism I very much understand where you are coming from. I feel very much “behind the scenes” fighting for help, meetings etc whilst all they see is everyone else doing the fun stuff. I get it completely.

However. You need to take your friend aside and explain that you want one to one time. That you appreciate her, but this time, you just want it to be about you and him.

If she’s a good friend she’ll understand.


JoeyMaynardssolidlump Wed 14-Feb-18 08:36:16

Well this is your defining friendship moment isn’t it?

If she understands she’s s friend and if not she’s not.

Personally to me she sounds like a nightmare

Whoville Wed 14-Feb-18 08:36:21

I agree, tell her you need it to just be you and your son, that you feel you need the time as a family unit of 2 to have some time bonding and repairing your relationship after a tough year etc.

TheMaddHugger Wed 14-Feb-18 08:37:43

I think say this is a reconnect with DS holiday. It's important it just be the two of you.

NoFucksImAQueen Wed 14-Feb-18 08:39:40

Agree with just tell her. I don't see how anyone can object to " i always have to be the bad guy and I just want to be the fun one and have fun with ds for once"

howthelightgetsin Wed 14-Feb-18 08:40:49

I’d personally write her an email - so that you can draft a few times and make sure it sounds how you really want it to sound rather than forgetting half of what you want to say in person.
You are finding this email very hard to write and embarrassing because she’s been such a brilliant friend and one of the few that has stuck by etc etc but you really want some one on one time with your son and the holiday needs to just be the two of you (for the reasons you’ve outlined already). You hope she isn’t offended and you are happy to talk about it whenever she is ready.

agbnb Wed 14-Feb-18 08:41:15

Your 'friend' sounds domineering and hard work.

You need to protect and prioritise your relationship with DS here, fgs woman!

Snowydaysarehere Wed 14-Feb-18 08:41:44

She isn't kind and generous op. She is a bully imo!! If you can't face telling her then send an email but don't ruin your precious time with your ds to keep her face straight!!

AgathaF Wed 14-Feb-18 08:47:48

You've had some good advice here. I agree, tell her you need some time alone with your son, so sorry but it's going to be just the two of you this time. Your holiday is going to be ruined by her otherwise.

TBH she sounds awful.

GeekyWombat Wed 14-Feb-18 08:48:43

Could she meet you for a day or two at the end?

SweetMoon Wed 14-Feb-18 08:50:00

How did she invite herself? You need to just tell her that as lovely as it would be you have decided that you really need just 1-1 time with your ds and sorry to 'let her down' but you're sure she understands blah blah blah. You don't need to add in you'd feel left out and all that, just be honest about the much wanted 1 to 1 with your ds.

AmberTopaz Wed 14-Feb-18 08:50:18

Of course YANBU to want this holiday just for you and DS.

BrutusMcDogface Wed 14-Feb-18 08:54:08

No, yanbu at all. I ageee with the email/text idea. Then she can respond in her own time and you won't be tempted to back down. Tell her what you've said here; that she is your rock and you appreciate her but you need and want some time with your son.

She does sound a bit domineering, though! Don't let her persuade you!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Wed 14-Feb-18 08:54:28

So essentially, you'll have two kids on holiday - you'll be doing all the grunt work, she'll be doing all the fun stuff plus she'll be 'ganging up' on you with DS (don't mean that as horrible to DS, but I can see all the 'ooh isn't mum being boring, let's go to the beach).

She sounds like a snidey weirdo. You need to tell her straight out that this is a holiday for you and DS -- I'm actually having one of those myself in the summer (and I'm not a single parent either, but DS also has ASD and I'm the one who does all the care, nurture and nag and I want some time off from that). If you are feeling kind, ask her to join you for the last three days. But this holiday is for you.

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo Wed 14-Feb-18 08:54:37

Agree with PP - if she's a good friend, she'll understand and step back gracefully. If she doesn't, it shows she has no problem with undermining you and probably gets a kick out of being the de facto "fun parent" at your expense. If she does object, you need to tell her in no uncertain terms that she's not invited (not like she ever was!).

Mummyoflittledragon Wed 14-Feb-18 08:54:59

YANBU at all. I think coming along at the end would be a good compromise and a way for you and your friend to save face.

saladdays66 Wed 14-Feb-18 08:56:02

She doesn’t sound like a friend.

Fishface77 Wed 14-Feb-18 08:56:38

She’s not really your friend is she?
Cancel her coming and tell her exactly why. I couldn’t put up with that for a sustained time.
To be honest I couldn’t put up with it for a day.

Ickyockycocky Wed 14-Feb-18 09:00:50

She really doesn’t sound like a friend to me. Find your inner assertive self and tell her she’s not coming. You have to do it.

floriad Wed 14-Feb-18 09:03:22

However. You need to take your friend aside and explain that you want one to one time. That you appreciate her, but this time, you just want it to be about you and him.

I agree with this.

GertNBert Wed 14-Feb-18 09:03:40

How did she end up coming? If she asked and you said yes or didn't tell her no at that point then I think it's hard to tell her no now. IYSWIM

How long has she been thinking that she has been coming?

Inertia Wed 14-Feb-18 09:11:45

She doesn’t sound like much of a friend - she’s deliberately setting your son up against you.

How did she invite herself? It sounds like you need to be a little bit assertive and tell her that it’s just you and DS. You’re the parent, you don’t have to be bulldozed into anything by a friend.

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