Can't cope with his party(125 Posts)
My DP Of 18 years has a birthday party at our house EVERY year! I get so anxious about it and I hate it, I know it sounds ridiculous but I just find it so stressful, usually about 30 people come and I hate the whole thing, I never sleep for days before so I worry about that and how am I going to stay up as it usually goes on until at least 2am. I wake up in the night panicking, heart racing.
Now even though I ask him if he could have drinks at a pub instead or a break away he feels really disappointed and makes me feel bad and I can't help or understand why it causes me so much stress.
It is coming up again in a month and I am already stressed, despite him knowing this he still wants to have his party. I don't know how to make it okay and I end up hating him for doing this to me as I would never want someone to feel like this. He just doesn't get it.
Tell him no!
It is your house too, both of you have to be willing to have guests or they don't come in. He's got a month to plan to have it elsewhere, and if he cares about you, he'll bloody well do so!
Why do you find it stressful? Is it the prep? Or do you worry people will damage things?
This level of anxiety doesn’t sound normal
That sounds like an extreme reaction. Could you go away for the night and leave him to it?
I totally understand, I am like this.
I would go out for the night if it was me and stay over somewhere.
I suffer with extreme anxiety over the VERY same
I hate having parties at home so even though to many it would sound a bit ridiculous I can completely understand
I hate the mess and the expectation to be a host and talk to everyone and be the life and soul and then all the clearing up.
It may not be a normal or even appropriate reaction BUT if someone loves you then they would surely change their plans to accommodate this.
I know it is his house too and only once a year but why would any partner want to do something that causes their DP anxiety when there are good alternatives?
Have you suggested hiring a room above a pub or something so he gets the same effect of a place all to himself to celebrate?
If he insists on having it at home could you go away for the night and explain to people you had other plans you couldn’t change?
Hope you can find a solution.
You have definitely built it up in your head to be something worse than it probably is but I do that too and so completely understand.
I would hate this too, I hate parties in the house - people wanting to crash on the sofa, cigarette butts all over the garden, mess everywhere, the planning and preparation, and massive clean up afterwards. I realise I’m not the most sociable person though!
Could you suggest that you organise his party this year, and book something simple eg Chinese buffet restaurant and then drinks afterwards in the pub?
Does he do the shopping, prep and cleaning up after?
Book a venue - lots of pubs will hire a room cheaply enough. Send out invites and present it to your dh as a done deal. Dont say you dont want a party at your house, instead just be really positive- I've booked such and such for your birthday party, a friend at work says it's lovely there/it will be nice to do something different/ me and the kids are going to decorate the venue. He can't be disappointed if he thinks it's special. Buy a nice cake and lay on food if you wish, but keep it out of your house. A friend of mine had a party at a room in a pub recently and the food was bacon a d sausage cobs - went down a storm abd was much cheaper than catering a partyy. My dh and his family like to party. I hate hosting because everyone is so loud and it goes on for ages. If you've put up with this for years you've done enough.
Can you need to visit a ‘sick’ relative to have an excuse to be away. Problem with saying no or that you hate it is that you have to live with any guilt you feel.
Does he do all the hosting, planning and work?
Your reaction is quite extreme. Have you seen your GP about this? Not looking forward to the party would be normal, having repeated anxiety attacks about it is not.
Assuming your partner also lives in the house I don’t think HIBU to want a party there once a year. I don’t want to be harsh but it’s a fairly normal think to have a birthday party. What is it exactly that you hate? Are his friends rude or rowdy? Will they get drunk and trash the place? Is it the cleaning up after?
Thank you for the replies. I'm not even sure I know what is so stressful! I think part of it is that he invites people from different parts of our lives that don't know each other and I worry that some of our new friends and old friends are so different. I am not worried about breakages. As one person said I hate being the host.
I am not anxious about anything else in life except I suppose I do worry about having people over and 'entertaining' generally. Kids always have their friends over though so not sure what that's about as this is not a problem for me.
He buys all the drinks etc and does all the cleaning up but there are usually a couple of blokes on the sofa in the morning.
I can't just not be there as our friends would find that weird and I'm too embarrassed about it to tell anyone.
It's one night a year. Its a bit mean to say no. What exactly do you worry about?
Sorry, crossed posts. Does it really matter what people think though? Its just a party, even if it doesn't work out, nobody died.
I know it's only one night and that is what he says, I'd love to just be okay about it. I really would but I can't handle it.
He wouldn't go for the venue idea, he likes them all coming over. None of our friends have parties at their house every year, we live in a city with loads going on so usually go out for birthdays.
If it's his party why are you 'hosting'? Let him do it. Grab yourself a drink, chat to those people who you know, and when you've had enough, cheerily state 'Night all' and ship off to bed with a book and some earplugs. That's what I do. You're turning it into something you seem to feel responsible for when really, you don't have to.
They are not rowdy and drunk, it's usually me who gets the drunkest
Some of them smoke weed though and I do worry that new friends judge us about that.
Can you afford counselling - it’s strange to worry whether someone you don’t care much about, gets on with someone else you don’t care about, On one night of the year.
If it was my party and my friends I would find it a stress, whether people enjoyed themselves or not. But wouldn’t care much about DH’s friends.
You worry too much! If new friends are judging you, sod them, they probably won't turn up next time anyway.
He’s being selfish
He may prefer a huge party at home but if you don’t enjoy it then he has a vast number of alternatives he could do that are equally good ways to celebrate.
Be firm. You have caved in for a number of years by the sounds of it but it is a huge deal for you and he needs to see that and support you.
Tell him outright you are getting ill over it and please can he see that and change the venue.
I understand what you're saying as my DP does the same and I also hate it! I am not a fan of having people round and no one usually leaves until 6am.
BUT it's once a year, it's his birthday and his house too so I just suck it up.
I would hate it too OP.
I would feel invaded. Luckily my OH feels the same way.
If your OH absolutely must have his fling then I would book myself into a hotel for the night.
Oh I really wish he felt the same.
Perhaps I need to see someone about it but not sure how it would help?
I don´t think he´s being selfish. It´s his birthday and he´d like to celebrate it in a manner of his choosing. That's hardly an unreasonable thing to want.
I think rather than cancelling the party, you need to look at other ways to make it more tolerable for you. Going away for the night, or getting help with anxiety, or just finding ways to relax.
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