Husband invited people to stay in our house(108 Posts)
Over Christmas and without consulting me (he never does about anything), my husband invited a young woman he worked with (who lives literally down the road in her own flat) to stay at our house on Christmas day while we were out of the country because she and her boyfriend 'wanted to have a fire over Christmas' (we have a fireplace).
I thought this was risky and weird - I don't know her or her boyfriend and it seemed a bit gratuitous and just unnecessary - they could have accidentally started an actual fire accidentally, or left the oven on after their one night stay (we weren't due back for a week), or whatever else - it just seemed like a bad idea. She's really posh and 'entitled' from the sound of it, and my husband prioritises the wants and wishes of literally everyone over mine, so of course he gave her the keys, and whenever I objected to the idea, he said I was a selfish bitch.
Anyway, we returned after a week to find that she had left the bathroom fan on for a week (as I figured she would for some reason), left all her christmas gift rubbish (even though I can see her house from mine - so that's weird that she didn't just take it home) and somehow they broke the door of our fridge, without leaving a note or offer to pay to fix it. They had previously offered a hamper to my husband as thanks, but instead left 2 bottles of wine and a card with his name spelled wrong.
Understandably I was raging, as I knew something bad would happen and it did, and I don't know why I had to offer my home to a stranger for no valid reason, but my husband says I'm insane and selfish, and we didn't speak for a month over it. I was so mad that I had to buy a new hinge for the fridge and go without groceries because of her selfishness, and it took a month to get a joiner to fix it - the inconvenience was so avoidable, but worse was my husband calling me a selfish crazy bitch for not welcoming her, and then for being mad that I had to take care of her garbage and fix the damage she made. I just thought it was all so pointless, and I don't know why literally everyone is more important to him than I am. He also gave her the keys to our house as his 'emergency keyholder', but when we asked for them back, she didn't drop them off as promised (despite being 100 metres away) and it took around 2 days to get them - I think he may have had to go to her in the end to get them? I don't know as he flew into a rage if I brought it up.
She never contacted him again (she stopped working at his firm at Christmas), so she wasn't even a good friend (or friend at all, it seems). She got what she wanted I suppose, and left us out of pocket and inconvenienced, with me having to work at home to accommodate a joiner more than once, and unable to buy fresh food, and DH and I not speaking for a month. So am I a selfish crazy bitch, or was the whole situation ridiculous to begin with? He does this sort of thing all the time, and when I object he says I need therapy. I just don't know why the needs of everyone else supersede mine, and whether there's any hope of this changing.
The only hope of this changing is if you leave him.
He sounds totally selfish. Why are you with him?
That's is really weird. Your dh sounds not quite right op. YANBU. Why on earth would he offer up your house to someone who lives a few doors down? He doesn't have cameras secretly setup in your bedroom does he? It's just so odd, especially not giving you any say in the matter.
I would have refused this.
To the point that I would have gone and told the woman that the arrangement was cancelled.
Seriously OP, aside from the Christmas craziness over this weird 'friendship,' your relationship sounds unhappy.
Your DH should never speak to you like that. He sounds awful, sorry. Flying into rages? Calling you names? Saying you need therapy for disagreeing with him?
Get out, really.
Is this woman his manager/supervisor/boss?...I'm clutching at straws as to why he would hand over the keys of your home to her?
Could he have done something at work that she now is holding over him and kind of blackmailed/pressured him into giving the keys to your home to her for Christmas
His reaction to you is just as shocking,
There is something not right about it,
Can you check his emails, texts, social media private messages to see if there was any correspondence between them leading up to Christmas (and after Christmas) that could shine some light on this situation?
Okay, looking at the act of "loaning" your house objectively, it does seem a little weird, but maybe he's just a "friendlier" person, maybe she did something for him that you don't know about, maybe he has this need to be "cool" and he was upset because he felt you were embarrassing him.
I personally also think it's a bit weird and makes me uncomfortable to think that someone I don't know if flitting around my house. HOWEVER, I do think that your concerns about fire etc are a little OTT. My concerns would be people snooping. I would also trust my husbands opinion though and if he trusted them I would have just said "fine, but I reserve the right to tell you that I told you so!" and we would have laughed about it.
His responses to you (calling you crazy etc), his failure to help out, his failure to apologize, all bad things. But your distrust of him isn't great either. Overall it just doesn't seem like the best relationship right now.
"Sounds like he was being nice..."
If calling someone a "crazy selfish bitch" is nice your standards are way too low.
She sounds entitled and awful, but your DH is even worse and you're married to him!
He sounds like the kind of shit-eating twat who would push his wife into traffic in his haste to open a door for someone else he wanted to impress.
Get rid of him. He's a dead weight.
Has she moved house? If not I'd be dropping a bill for damages off. Regardless of the circumstances you at least offer to pay/replace anything you damage when using someone else's property.
Op what would your dh say or do if the roles were reversed?
Everyone has differences in what they find tolerable in relationships. But quite honestly, if my DH had such weird priorities, spoke to me like that, flew into rages and then gave me the silent treatment for a month he categorically would be an ex in no time. Really. Life is short, so fuck wasting it on that kind of fuckery. I don't think therapy will help you OP, unless it is therapy to help you get to grips with why on earth you are putting up with him.
He's a git. Get rid of this loser.
The relationship sounds horrible. In my experience usually both people are contributing to that. Try writing a thread from your husband's point of view, not about this incident which does sound pretty weird, but about something else. You do sound very under his thumb - what about the phrases ' please don't talk to me like that' and 'I see that you don't think this is a good idea but I really do and I'm going to have some therapy anyway'
He sounds like a professional people pleaser. I couldn't and wouldn't live with someone like that.
Even without all the other problems, if you and he got to the point of not speaking for a month, then I think your relationship is dead in the water.
I’d be interested to hear about how your husband was raised. It might have been normal in his family to let people use your home in this way. Has he done this before and how long have you been together?
I would be livid btw.
Totally outrageous and entitled behaviour from both him and the woman. This is your home, he has no right to lend something, you jointly own. How often do you argue? How long have you been putting up with being ignored for a month?! I wouldn’t be able to live like this. Your self esteem must be through the floor.
He never consults me about anything
He said I was a selfish bitch
My husband says I'm insane and selfish
Literally everyone is more important to him than I am
He does this sort of thing all the time, and when I object he says I need therapy
Just re-read what you wrote, OP, and think about what positives you get from this relationship. What are you doing still living with a man who treats you worse than the sort on his shoes? Think about it --and LTB-_-.
@sag1977 you husband sounds really horrible and selfish. I'd stop worrying about this thoughtless, selfish woman and start asking yourself why you are married to a man who doesn't seem to care about you.
Why did he not consult you?
Why did you have to wait in and sort fridge?
Why did you clean up the packaging stuff?
What do you get out of being married to him?
Do you have kids, or are you planning any? He sounds unkind, rude, aggressive, childish etc. You deserve better.
You and DH both sound like hard work TBH, and like the relationship is failing badly.
Just the insurance implications alone.........
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