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AIBU to wish I hadn't offered in the first place?

(22 Posts)
WTAFDNGDGU Wed 14-Feb-18 00:14:37

Offered to help out a fellow mum as a favour (take her DD out for the morning with my DD, and drop her home with her mum so I could go back home and get some work done). Mum knew this - I told her times and everything over the phone yesterday. (I played down how much it would disrupt my schedule (think approx 1hr's drive vs 15mins) because I didn't want her to feel guilty).

Mum sent me a text at almost midnight to say she forgot to tell me she has a hospital appointment tomorrow and that I can leave her DD at home to wait for her until she gets back (no mention of what time the appointment is/finishes).

Her DD is 9yo and I am not comfortable doing this. FWIW, my DD is the same age, and I would never ask a parent to drop her at home to be there by herself, especially with no indication of when I expect to be back.

I'd already taken her DD out yesterday and had offered to take her to morning and evening activities for rest of the week, but do need the time in between to work (my DD has other play dates planned for those gaps precisely for this reason, and I can't very well drop off an unknown child to those other parents).

I have a sneaking suspicion I'm going to have to bring her DD back home with me and have her for the whole day, which makes me concerned about Thur and Fri as well.

Whatever happens, I'll manage, but AIBU to now wish I hadn't offered in the first place?

gamerchick Wed 14-Feb-18 00:24:19

Text her back now and say that won’t work and you’re not leaving a child unattended so unfortunately you won’t be able to take her in the first place.

People take the piss if you let them but sometimes it just takes one stand to sort them out.

Hidingtonothing Wed 14-Feb-18 00:31:13

Totally agree with gamer, if she's pushing the boundaries of what you agreed to already it will only get worse if you don't put your foot down.

Viviennemary Wed 14-Feb-18 00:48:36

I agree with saying you are unable now to go through with these arrangements as they are not satisfactory. Sorry.

LittlePaintBox Wed 14-Feb-18 00:55:02

I agree with the pps - text back and say it doesn't work for you. She hasn't just had the appointment through, so she's trying to play you to get you to offer to have DD till whenever.

YANBU to wish you'd never got involved. Some people seem to think everyone else owes them favours, and the kindest person in the world will feel pissed off if they're taken advantage of.

nursy1 Wed 14-Feb-18 01:02:10

I’d be tempted to cancel as well but I bet your DD is looking forward to it. Like you I wouldn’t feel right leaving her home alone either so if the trip does go ahead you will have to keep her all day I guess
Just never offer again!

Aquamarine1029 Wed 14-Feb-18 01:05:04

What a bitch move. At least now you know who NOT to let into your life.

WTAFDNGDGU Wed 14-Feb-18 01:21:57

I had texted back (half an hour after her text) to ask what time her appointment was and say that I wasn't comfortable leaving her DD so would have to bring her back to mine and drop her home when her mum was back. No word/response, so have now sent a text saying I can't have her DD if she won't be home at the required time.

I feel terrible for potentially disappointing her DD, but I don't want to be responsible for her for the whole day.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish Wed 14-Feb-18 01:30:40

Maybe she is avoiding your text, try calling her number (but put 141 in front her phone number when your call so your own number doesn't come up on her phone (it will withold your number), and ask her what time her appointment is and how long she expects to be...for what it's worth go appointments, hospital appointments, etc are only about 15 minutes long (speaking from experience) a dentist appointment is about 15 minutes too..

If she tells you it could be hours before she's home then you know she is lying and taking advantage of you by using you for free childcare

GnotherGnu Wed 14-Feb-18 01:34:27

Off the point, possibly, but why are you ferrying the child around to activities all week? Why can't her mother do it?

Can you offer to drop her DD off at the hospital or at a convenient meeting place en route?

HashtagTired Wed 14-Feb-18 01:38:31

Interesting because I read your post differently (maybe because I'm tired...). Just amuse me for a moment and play this out.
What if she forgot her appointment and only remembered when she text you. She didn't want to change your plans nor disappoint either dd so said to leave her dd at home to avoid further disruption to you, especially as you had plans later in the day so couldn't take her dd for longer. She can't ask you to mind her dd for longer, not does she want to mess up your plans, perhaps already knowing how much you are doing for her. Her compromise is for you to leave her dd at home.

Nightscroller1 Wed 14-Feb-18 01:40:14

You offered to take her DD out and it sounds like you are regretting it entirely, not just the hospital aspect. Maybe she really does have a hospital appointment and isn't intentionally meaning to BU.

You then said you'd take her daughter home with you but have changed your mind...

It was very nice of you to offer in the first place but if sounds like you regretted this pre hospital appointment x

HongKongPhooeyNo1Superstar Wed 14-Feb-18 01:45:39

Pull out now.
Another CF.
She'll only ride roughshod over you.

teaandtoast Wed 14-Feb-18 01:46:52

Mum sounds like a CF. Who forgets a hospital appointment?

Birdshitbridgegotme Wed 14-Feb-18 01:50:47

I'm with hashtag I reckon she genuinely forgot not everyone is out to take the piss.i would do it. If it happens again u know she's a c.f.

WTAFDNGDGU Wed 14-Feb-18 02:02:08

I'd spoken to her twice on the phone yesterday and also saw her twice (when I picked and dropped off her DD, after having had her for over 3 hours).

She also knows I would never drop her DD off at home alone (the times I've dropped her DD off, I've insisted on seeing her to their front door and not leaving until I know she's gone in with her mum) - or at least, I'd hope she does..!

No mention either of what time or how long her appointment is, which makes me think it's not just a case of 10-15 minutes. I initially offered to bring her DD back to mine, until I suddenly realised what I might be signing myself up for (i.e. a whole day of minding someone's child when I have to work), which I'm not prepared to do. I'll admit that I was already feeling anxious about getting involved, and her text just compounded those feelings.

Clearly, my anxiety is keeping me from getting some much needed sleep ... Let's see what the morning brings.

TheMaddHugger Wed 14-Feb-18 02:04:36

Not another one of these Cheeky Fucker school Mums SMH

Saracen Wed 14-Feb-18 02:08:19

You and the other mum have different ideas about what is safe for her daughter. I don't understand why you and other posters are concluding that she must be manipulating you for free childcare. It's quite possible that she leaves her daughter home alone quite regularly and thinks nothing of it. If so, it's understandable that it would be an afterthought for her to let you know what the plan is, to ensure that you know that she'd like you to drop her dd off to an empty house.

If you feel so strongly about this that you are unwilling to go along with her instructions and will instead insist on keeping the child with you until you can hand her over directly to her mum, that is your right. But acting aggrieved about it is excessive.

Now the two of you know that you aren't on the same page as far as children's safety goes, no doubt you'll both make sure in future that you only take her daughter out when you've verified the handover arrangements and are comfortable with them. But I think this occasion was probably just a misunderstanding.

(As you can probably guess, I've found myself on the other side in such situations.)

Saracen Wed 14-Feb-18 02:10:49

"She also knows I would never drop her DD off at home alone (the times I've dropped her DD off, I've insisted on seeing her to their front door and not leaving until I know she's gone in with her mum) - or at least, I'd hope she does..!"

Sorry, cross-posted. That does change things. If she knows you disapprove of her dd being home alone then she shouldn't expect you to drop her off to an empty house.

Mossbystrand Wed 14-Feb-18 06:44:31

She's got a Valentine's day date planned for the whole day not a hospital appointment. She is being s very cf.

TabbyMumz Wed 14-Feb-18 09:47:49

"not leaving untill you know she has gone in with her mum"!? What on earth do you think her Mum is going to do? Go in the house and leave her outside with you? Surely as soon as you have said hi to her Mum, your responsibility ends there? Seriously though, a lot of parents do allow nine year olds to be in the house on their own, especially after school for a few hours. If the Mum is happy with that, who are you to overrule it? If the Mum wants you to drop her off at home, drop her off at home.

WTAFDNGDGU Wed 14-Feb-18 11:13:07

Finally heard from her this morning, and all sorted. Picking up and dropping off at specified times. For various reasons I won't get into on here, I now know that I should probably keep my involvement with her to a minimum, so won't be offering to do this again. Thanks to all for giving me a much-needed backbone.

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