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To say he can't take the car?

(352 Posts)
Shitinyourhandsandclap Wed 14-Feb-18 00:11:21

DC and I share a car. I bought and paid for it and the insurance. He puts £20 petrol in it most weeks.

He wants to take the car to visit a friend who's at uni 60 miles away. It's a good 80-90 min drive, quite a lot of it on a very busy motorway.

The car is tiny and old, top speed is under 70mph. Its only ever used on little local trips, and occasionally on the local dual carriageway which has a limit of 40/ 50mph.

DS is a confident driver and happy to drive there. I am less confident in his abilities as he's easily distracted and has never driven on a motorway full of lorries. I'm also not 100% confident in the car (but I'm no mechanic, I only passed my test last year so am also a new driver).

I'd said to DS I wanted him to go out in the car with my DP just one junction down the motorway and back. And I also wanted DP just to check the car over (as he's been driving for well over 20 years, maintained his own cars etc). Anyway that plan all came to nothing as when I raised this at the weekend DP basically said he didn't see the point and I was being ridiculous hmm.

I told DS he can't use the car, and had him screaming down the phone to me. He then had another go at me tonight telling me I hadn't even tried to sort it out. I've offered to pay his train dare and drive him to the station, but that wasn't good enough.

I have a load of other shit going on. This is really not what I need, I was in tears at work today because I'm sick of it, that any tiny bit of help I ask for just can't be given. At the moment I'm not too happy with either DS or DP. This is the straw that broke the camel's back.

So AIBU to have said no?

Waitingonasmile Wed 14-Feb-18 00:17:55

I think you are being unfair but it's your car so are entitled to do what you want. He's passed his test so I don't really understand why you wouldn't let him drive on a motorway. I'm also assuming the car has a valid MOT so should be safe to drive.

DontMakeMeShushYou Wed 14-Feb-18 00:19:20

YANB entirely U to suggest your DS does a short motorway drive with a more experienced driver before he does a long one, although it isn't really necessary.

YABU to ask your DP to check the car over. Does it have a current MOT? Has it been serviced regularly? If you're worried about it, then you should be getting it checked out by a legitimate car mechanic. At the very least, take it to your local Kwikfit and ask them to check the tyres and brakes for you. Better still, book it in for a service specifically to check the tyres and brakes.

On the whole though, YABU.

Shitinyourhandsandclap Wed 14-Feb-18 00:22:17

He's never driven on a motorway, that isn't covered in the driving test. Our test centre covers the 40mph stretch of the dial carriageway only.

As for MOT, that only verifies the car was sound on the date it was done, not that it will be fine for the next year. The MOT was done over 9 months ago.

Shitinyourhandsandclap Wed 14-Feb-18 00:25:10

Both DS and I work ft, I don't have any opportunity to take it to a garage before the weekend.

I didn't think asking my DP to take a quick look at it was asking much. I do a great deal for him, it's quite hurtful he wouldn't help me when asked and basically laughed at me.

Butterymuffin Wed 14-Feb-18 00:27:45

You become more confident by doing more and more varied driving, though (this is perhaps something you should consider for yourself). I'd probably have let him go. But I wouldn't be impressed with being screamed at about it. Maybe say put his trip off for a few weeks and in the meantime if he takes some motorway lessons, which you'll split the cost of with him, he can then take it?
Re your DP, I wouldn't be happy either and next time he was expecting me to do anything for him, I'd be telling him I couldn't see the point in it.

TheSnowFairy Wed 14-Feb-18 00:31:02

Ok, in the eyes of the law both your DC and your car are fine to go on the motorway.

I do think you are being U - it sounds like your lack of confidence is stopping you say yes.

But it is your car so you can say whatever you want.

Waitingonasmile Wed 14-Feb-18 00:31:51

If you think the car potentially isn't safe I don't understand why it's OK to drive everywhere but the motorway. I can see why you'd have concerns about him driving on the motorway but he will have to do it solo eventually. How old is DS?

Shitinyourhandsandclap Wed 14-Feb-18 00:39:24

He's 19. He can't put the trip off as it's all 'arranged', he's taken time off work etc. I highly doubt he'd be willing to take further lessons.

He's annoyed because his other friends drive all over. One has a car that's 6 months old, the other thst is 3 years old. Both newer, bigger and significantly more powerful than my car.

The car is fine locally, on our roads you rarely go over 25mph. No need to have to accelerate past lorries at 70mph which he will have to do on the motorway and which the car will massively struggle to cope with. I have driven it on the motorway briefly which is how I know.

TattyCat Wed 14-Feb-18 00:45:02

The principles of motorway driving are similar to a dual carriageway, so not sure what the issue is there, other than speed.

And unless the wheels are ready to fall off the car should be fine! Otherwise, neither he nor you should be driving it.

DontMakeMeShushYou Wed 14-Feb-18 00:45:22

The car is either safe to drive or it isn't safe to drive. The motorway is a red herring. If it isn't safe to be driven on the motorway, it isn't safe full-stop.

Have you had it serviced, or checked in any way since it was MOT'd?There are lots of tyre places around (Kwikfit is just one, but most towns, even small ones, have a tyre-fitters ime). Many will take a quick look for you if you just pop in (before work, after work, in your lunch-break) and will let you know if the tyres have legal tread depth and may well check your brakes equally quickly. Then just check the oil, screenwash, etc. before he sets off.

But it's up to you.

nursy1 Wed 14-Feb-18 00:46:48

My youngest daughter recently passed her test OP so I get where you’re coming from. My heart has been in my mouth with recent icy weather!
We paid for extra motorway lesson after her test. Would that help calm your fears? I think if the car has an MOT it must be roadworthy. Is he in the AA or suchlike?

DontMakeMeShushYou Wed 14-Feb-18 00:47:15

He's annoyed because his other friends drive all over. One has a car that's 6 months old, the other thst is 3 years old. Both newer, bigger and significantly more powerful than my car.

Perhaps he could hire a car then?

TattyCat Wed 14-Feb-18 00:47:31

You need a more powerful car! I remember having a small engined car in my youth and driving on a motorway with a slight incline was no laughing matter, albeit I was still 'safe'.

NotTheFordType Wed 14-Feb-18 00:50:01

Your first sentence of your Op was that you share a car with your DS.

What you're trying to do is reframe it as you own the car and you let DS borrow it sometimes but only on your terms, for journeys that you deem acceptable.

As the registered owner and keeper you are legally entitled to do that, but you need to be upfront with your DS , and really should have been from the start, that you will be vetoing journeys arbitrarily.

As for your DP, unless he's a driving instructor and/or a mechanic i can't blame him whatsoever for being

NotTheFordType Wed 14-Feb-18 00:51:07

Reluctant to give up his free time in order to save you cash.

(Sorry iPad froze and wouldn't let me type any more words on previous post!)

Jenijena Wed 14-Feb-18 00:53:56

As trips go, 90 minutes is a good length for a first ‘big’ journey.

I’d insist on a couple of junctions of motorway driving if he’s never dove that before, but it sounds like a reasonable request to do.

If not now, when will he be allowed to go on motorway trips? Old bangers get taken all over the world; it is fine.

(And you, too, need motorway experience and practice, unless you want to turn into one of those drivers - practice begets confidence)

Shitinyourhandsandclap Wed 14-Feb-18 00:53:59

Theres quite a bit of difference. Pur local dual carriageway is local traffic, 2 lanes. The motorway is very lorry heavy and 4 lanes. So quite a bit more difficult. DS wouldn't know because he's never been on the motorway to see how different it is.

No it hasn't been serviced since the MOT. I don't know anyone who has their car serviced except for those with very new cars. Not ones that are 15 years old.

It's not possible to take it before or after work during the week as I leave before 8 and don't get home til after 6.

Even if a mechanic checks it over, the fact remains it does struggle to get much over 60, it's certainly not an ideal motorway car.

I work in motor claims so I see serious and fatal accidents on a daily basis and how at high speed the occupants of small cars always come off badly.

mari652 Wed 14-Feb-18 01:00:17

Well, he won't have to accelerate past the lorries at 70 - he'll have to stay in the inside lane. My first car was small and elderly and though safe, felt like it was going to implode above 50 so spent many miles being loomed over by giant trucks. It did feel fairly hairy and not great in heavy rain.

It is quite a jump going from puttering around locally to heavy motorway driving - I don't think you were unreasonable suggesting going for a run to the first junction. My daughter did Pass Plus after passing her test, because anything more than local from where we are involves the unlovely M25 - would really recommend it - maybe for you too, OP , to increase confidence and broaden your experience ?

Shitinyourhandsandclap Wed 14-Feb-18 01:01:07

I was asking my DP for a tiny amount of help. Silly me, I thought that was what relationships were about. I've helped him move houses twice, 2-3 days of packing, lifting, carrying, cleaning the houses top to bottom. So pardon me for thinking he might give up half an hour so I could be reassured my DS was safe.

DP has previously said my car is so underpowered it's not really fit for motorway driving. But that's now forgotten.

I bought the car for myself before D'S passed his test. When he passed I insured him as a named driver. He has always known it's my car. I pay fpr everything except petrol. There is of course nothing to stop him getting his own car.

I don't think he can hire a car though as he is only 19 and has less than a years driving experience.

DontMakeMeShushYou Wed 14-Feb-18 01:03:37

I work in motor claims so I see serious and fatal accidents on a daily basis and how at high speed the occupants of small cars always come off badly.

Well you should certainly know better than to leave it entirely unchecked for 9 months then.

I was prepared to give you the benefit of the doubt before but tbh I think you sound a pretty irresponsible car owner and should offer to pay for a hire car for your DS for this weekend.

italiancortado Wed 14-Feb-18 01:03:37

I think YABU.

Firstly for having a car that isn't safe enough to be trusted on a motorway.

Secondly for wanting to micro manage someone who has a driving license.

SeniorRita Wed 14-Feb-18 01:05:16

You're being ridiculous, sorry. I hadn't driven on a motorway when I passed my test, until I drove on a motorway on my own, because I had to. My car was also old and useless, but it was as safe as it needed to be.

It's up to you if you want to say no, but your reason is not sensible. Maybe your job makes you more risk averse?

But, either way, your ds should not be yelling at you about it. I'd say now that he has lost any chance to change your mind due to his immature response.

StillMedusa Wed 14-Feb-18 01:07:47

I do think you are being rather unreasonable if you have previously agreed to share the car. Underpowered , it will still manage motorways...people can overtake him if need be, and everyone is a first timer on them at some point! My DS1 got an ancient little Peugeot 106 at 19 having just passed his test and promptly set off on a 90 min journey down the M40 to see a friend! I was anxious but he got there ok, and now is a very capable and confident driver 5 years on.
It's going to happen at some point!

Shitinyourhandsandclap Wed 14-Feb-18 01:07:58

I check the tyres, oil and top up washer fluid myself. I don't know anyone else who does more than that, or gets a car the age that mine is serviced.

Before anyone suggests I should have got a bigger car, this one fits my needs. It's cheap to run and to insure (relatively- £1k a year but anything with more than a 1 litre engine would have cost a lot more).

I can't hire him a car, he is too young and passed his test too recently.

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