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To be absolutely devastated/disgusted by this?

(236 Posts)
fulltimeworkingmotherof4 Tue 13-Feb-18 17:52:38

My little sister died 8 months ago. She was 33. I’ve posted before about her DH moving on quickly, but I’ve just found out he’s having a baby with his new gf, they’ve been together 6 months and she’s 2 months pregnant. It was announced on social media and of course me and my family were blocked from seeing it but word soon gets around.
I’m still massively struggling with loosing her, even tho she suffered from a long term illness. I never expected him to be on his own forever but I feel this takes the piss. AIBU to not be impressed?
He’s totally cut our family out of his life including my DN (my sisters son) he’s not his bio dad but was a big part of his life. He’s 10 and has all our love, lives with his bio dad but how can you just do that? When she died he said he’d still see him etc but literally nothing. He was on dating sites 2 weeks after her funeral. I’m just so angry 😡

QuietNinjaTardis Tue 13-Feb-18 17:55:00

He sounds like an utter fuckwit. Could he have been cheating on her? It seems very quick to get over the death of your wife sad

Blackteadrinker77 Tue 13-Feb-18 17:55:41

Some people can not cope with being alone.

I'm sorry for your families loss x

tillytoodles1 Tue 13-Feb-18 17:55:59

My H's uncle got remarried a few months after his wife died. He claimed he met her just five days after she'd passed.

Cherrycokewinning Tue 13-Feb-18 17:58:19

Wow. That must be so devastating for you-
Not seeing your nephew more so than his new girlfriend sad

Leiaorganashair Tue 13-Feb-18 17:59:19

I've seen a few people do this. I think some people genuinely can't deal with being single, especially in tragic circumstances. I appreciate that doesn't make it any better though. The only thing you can do really is carry on without him and hope for DN's sake he might come to his senses.

You have to wonder what his new partner is thinking. I think I would have even less respect for her.

fulltimeworkingmotherof4 Tue 13-Feb-18 17:59:35

Not sure if he’d of had time, she was in hospital form months before she died, not s local hospital either and he stayed there with her. When she was alive he was great but I’m beginning to think he liked the attention. My poor Mum is in bits sad

EatingSatsumas Tue 13-Feb-18 17:59:42

I’m really sorry for your loss and I would have an awful lot of anger to someone who acted like this as well.

Is it possible the dating is his way of dealing with his grief and that he can’t bear to be alone at the moment? I’m not really sure I can find an excuse about the way he is treating your DN unless it is simply that he knows he is behaving appallingly and avoiding your family which by default includes your DN, or maybe he finds the reminder too painful.

Anythingforacatslife Tue 13-Feb-18 17:59:48

YANBU for being devestated, this must feel so hurtful while you are all grieving. However, does seem remarkably common for men to move on very quickly after the death of a spouse. I can think of three in my immediate social circle who have done this and they were men that I wouldn’t have dreamed would do it.

Mimsy123 Tue 13-Feb-18 17:59:50

My SIL met her new man at her DH’s funeral. He was working for the undertakers.

fulltimeworkingmotherof4 Tue 13-Feb-18 18:00:53

@Leiaorganashair his new gf is the one all over Facebook! I don’t think she’s had a bf in a while! That’s what I thought though I would be ashamed of myself if that was me:

SaucyJack Tue 13-Feb-18 18:01:30

Were they happily married? Did you all get along before her death?

If he was only tolerating you all at the time for her sake, maybe he doesn't feel he has to pretend any more.

fulltimeworkingmotherof4 Tue 13-Feb-18 18:01:36

Wow @Mimsy123 how did that make you feel?

Cindyloo99 Tue 13-Feb-18 18:02:16

So sorry for your loss sad
Some men move on very quickly. I would like to hope that he doesn't realise the devestation that this is causing to you all but some people just think about themselves.
Just a little suggestion from someone who recently lost their father and then saw things posted on social media that were distressing to me. Just remove or block them from there you don't need to see these things on a daily basis they just make the emotional healing more difficult flowers

Mimsy123 Tue 13-Feb-18 18:04:00


Appalled, in all honesty. I still don’t know who was more at fault, him or her. It was a while ago, and they’ve split up since, but it still annoys the hell out of me.

Cindyloo99 Tue 13-Feb-18 18:10:27

I know other people who have been through this when their mum died. Their dad moved on really quickly and was re married within months. One of the children went round one day and the new woman was wearing their mother's dress shock

MatildaTheCat Tue 13-Feb-18 18:16:09

Not seeing his step son is completely inexcusable. Has anyone actually been able to speak to him about the impact on that little boy of losing his mother and step father at the same time?

There must be a back story here. He’s a cunt and I don’t often say that even on here.

Winosaurus Tue 13-Feb-18 18:18:19

I’m not excusing the crassness of his behaviour but I had a friend who did similar when his wife died.
She had terminal cancer but survived after diagnosis for almost 5 years. In those years his wife was already gone, she suffered greatly and he nursed her through it with utter devotion.
When she finally died he was the only person not upset. He said he felt relieved and that he had effectively been on his own for a long time and caring for a woman who didn’t resemble and who didn’t consider his “wife” anymore.
He lived it day in and day out and in his mind she had been dead for years.
He cared for her but had detached emotionally a long time before she died as a coping mechanism.
When he met his new gf he said he felt alive again and all the grief he’d felt for years was lifted.

I know it’s incredibly hurtful for you, but maybe your BIL’s experience was similar.
Maybe he felt guilty for finally being happy again and knew how you would all feel about it and didn’t want any dramatics, or to upset your DN any further.

Just offering a different perspective

I’m so sorry for your loss flowers

MissionItsPossible Tue 13-Feb-18 18:22:27

One of the children went round one day and the new woman was wearing their mother's dress

That is an absolute fucking disgrace.

OP I'm so sorry. Not sure what to say. YANBU. I'd be furious.

SaskaTchewan Tue 13-Feb-18 18:23:50

it's natural to be devastated. As an outsider, I wouldn't judge him to rebuild his life so quickly, we all deal with grief differently. Seeing someone in hospital for months then losing them makes you see things differently.

Cutting a little boy who has just lost his mum is not right, but if he lives with his bio dad, maybe he feels it's for the best? He could also be in complete denial.

When you see how quickly you can lose someone, you realise how short life is, and that you can't afford to lose any time. There's no right or wrong

Lifeisabeach09 Tue 13-Feb-18 18:24:07

It's a rebound and, obviously, unplanned pregnancy.
As tasteless and hurtful as he is being, he has the right to be happy. I assume he was dedicated to your sister. Shame he cut off your DN. Seems like he is cutting all connections to your sister.
Really sorry for your loss.

nocake Tue 13-Feb-18 18:27:38

I know a number of men who have moved on very quickly after the death of their wife and it's always men who have had a really happy marriage. Having said that, cutting out his family is crappy behaviour.

LovingLola Tue 13-Feb-18 18:28:11

What is deemed an acceptable amount of time to wait before moving on? A year? Two years? 10? Will the family of the deceased person ever be fully reconciled to a partner getting on with his or her life?

OutyMcOutface Tue 13-Feb-18 18:30:04

It sounds like he checked out of the relationship a long time ago but didn't want to leave your sister to cope alone. Not really an excuse for how he treated her son though. Poor boy sad

TheFirstMrsDV Tue 13-Feb-18 18:31:43

Loving objecting to your loved one being 'moved on' from in a matter of weeks is not the same as resenting a widow/er ever 'moving on'

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