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To think DP needs to be a lot stronger with EXW?

(94 Posts)
OnTheBeaches Tue 13-Feb-18 17:30:37

Ok, so this might be long as I don't want to dripfeed. It's been prompted by something that happened last night, but I feel it points to bigger issues, and has left me wondering if DP really needs to grow a set of balls.

We are both divorced, I have 1DC and he has 2 (19 and 16). His EXW has been a nightmare ever since left her nearly 3 years ago (before I met him, I hasten to add). We have been together for just over a year. His children don't talk to him as ex wife has made it her business to avenge him for leaving her (there was no one else, they just had a shit marriage, she was emotionally abusive to him for years and he finally got the courage to leave). She has been extremely destructive since finding out that he was dating again...there have been death threats (seriously, she said she was going to hire a hitman), awful phone calls where she has hysterically bawled at him for hours at a time. This is still happening nearly 3 years later, and as far as I can see she hasn't moved on at all.
He takes all this shit as he retains some hope of having a relationship with his children again and feels the only way to do that is to take the calls and to take the abuse. Against the advice of his solicitor he gave her 70% of the assets in the financial settlement in the hope that it would help matters with the children. Of course it didn't change anything. She hates him and wants the kids to hate him too. I dread to think the effect this may have on them long term.
At the start of our relationship I stayed out of it all and didn't get involved as it wasn't my place or business, but it's becoming increasingly difficult not to when these almost weekly phone calls upset him for days, his children's atttitides and allegiance with their mother kills him and their belief in the lies she tells means that they now hate me too (she is spreading about lies that we had been having an affair all along which is absolute nonsense as I didn't even know him when he was with her). The threats also now are made against me, rude comments and nastiness, telling him he was a shit dad and a horrible person for leaving her, that everyone hates him and he deserves to die (totally insane behaviour). Generally it just feels like she rules us from afar, and we are never free from the shadow she casts.

My real issue is that he has taken a line of appeasement with this up to now, and puts up with all the abuse, it seems to be the way it was in his marriage too and I personally think his ex has mental health issues. To begin with I didn't realise what she was like and agreed that he should try to be nice to her and to foster a good relationship, as I thankfully have with my ex. But due to everything that's gone on in the last year I have radically changed my opinion and am now beginning to see him as weak, taking all this crap from her and not having a backbone to fight back. It hasn't worked so far and I think he needs to radically change tack. His children at this point don't really want to see him or talk to him and barely respond to texts, they are being fed complete propaganda by his exw. I don't really know what he should do, but it's really getting me down and beginning to affect our relationship, which is otherwise great.

The last straw was last night when we were out with my dc as we are away for half term. She called him and he stepped out of the coffee shop to take her call. He was gone for an hour. I didn't make a big deal of it when he returned as he was upset. We were just getting ready to leave as we had a dinner reservation, and she called again. He stepped out. Me and dc walked slowly to the restaurant and arrived. DP didn't arrive for another 40 minutes by which time I was getting upset and annoyed, dc was hungry and it was extremely embarrassing in the restaurant. She was just on the phone to have a go at him for being in contact with the children and not telling her first (they are 19 and 16). He was on the phone listening to her abuse for nearly 2 hours while me and dc sat around and waited.

I want to be supportive but I just don't know what to do anymore and am really worried about this continuing and potentially driving me and DP apart. AIBU for wishing he would grow a set of balls and tell her to eff off?

UterusUterusGhali Tue 13-Feb-18 17:33:52

He's not ready for a new relationship.

Find someone who has time for you.

upsideup Tue 13-Feb-18 17:39:53

They are 19 and 16, he doesnt need to have any contact with their mother. He can have contact with his DC without her permission.

AnyFucker Tue 13-Feb-18 17:39:58

It's not going to work. Give it up as a bad job.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Tue 13-Feb-18 17:42:40

He's set the pattern I'm afraid, he doesn't want to detach from her yet (whether it's in the hope that his dc will see the light or he secretly wants to get back with her) but he won't stand up to her and you will always come second, sorry.

Blackteadrinker77 Tue 13-Feb-18 17:43:14

He should not have any other contact to her. The children are old enough now.

Only he can make that happen though.

YearOfYouRemember Tue 13-Feb-18 17:43:17

It doesn't read as if he is not ready at all but that he puts up with his ex's abuse because of the children. Maybe point out how long it's been that he has taken all this shit but still nothing re the dcs. Every time she rings if she starts hang up. Text her saying he'll talk to her about the kids only and only if she's calm. So it every time.

She has no reason to stop so he needs to give her one.

RoderickRules Tue 13-Feb-18 17:44:32

How does that leave your DC feeling?
This sounds really toxic and he is a part of it.
By staying in the relationship, you are complicit.

Protect your child from this BS.
What are you modelling for them?
Get out!

happymumof4crazykids Tue 13-Feb-18 17:49:12

He needs to block her on his phone and give her an email address she can contact him on instead. One just for her that he will then be able to threaten to show the kids (as a bonus) she will stop then as she's not going to want any evidence of her batshit behaviour. (Worked a treat with my OH ex wife )
If he isn't able to stand up to her now after 3 years he never will. Tell him how you feel and what you want him to do. If he isn't prepared to do it I would walk away or you will have this kind of crap in your life forever! She will only continue to escalate otherwise. thanksgin for you I've been where you are and it's not fun!

AnyFucker Tue 13-Feb-18 17:50:34

I couldn't respect someone with so little backbone, tbh

norfolkenclue Tue 13-Feb-18 17:50:41

As others have said...he's not ready for a new relationship as he is still emotionally involved with his ExW. Hard as it might be, I would have to walk away from this one I'm afraid 💐

SurfnTerfFantasticmissfoxy Tue 13-Feb-18 17:51:54

I'd give him one more chance - he has no need to speak to her at all now the children are the age they are. He's CHOOSING to take her abuse, no one is forcing him to. I'm not surprised you're fed up with it, I'd be saying no more direct contact or it's over for good

caringdenise009 Tue 13-Feb-18 17:52:14

Would he go to counseling? They can be great at offering strategies to cope with this sort of situation.

Really at this stage he doesn't need to have any contact with her at all. If he has been emotionally abused by her for years, people on here often talk about the fear obligation and guilt syndrome which it does sound like he is stuck in. I'm afraid you will have to draw the line. How long is this going to go on for? Will she still be doing it when the children are middle aged? You can't put up with this anymore,and your relationship will be destroyed I'm afraid.

If you think it's worth it, sit-down with him and tell him enough is enough. He can let his children know that he loves them,that he will always be there but now he must break all ties and have no contact with their mother. I think he will need professional help to achieve this.

If he must answer the phone, tell him to put it under a cushion when she starts ranting, and let her get on with it to empty air. Ideally, he should block her and move on. Did he report the death threats?

Maidenvoyage1 Tue 13-Feb-18 17:53:39

Personally I would end it.

OnTheBeaches Tue 13-Feb-18 17:55:34

My dc rolled his eyes and said, "not her again". It's actually the third time we have been out for a meal in the last few months with my dc and she has called, meaning we have been late for restaurant or sitting there like a pair of lemons waiting for him.

He definitely won't go back to her, and I think he is ready for a relationship. It's the kids he does it for, some sort of guilt about leaving them and fear they will never speak to him again. But I feel like he has no boundaries and every time I talk to him about it, it ends in an argument.

I really love him and don't want to give up on him. I suppose I just wish he would have better boundaries and was stronger with her generally. She's been getting away with this shit for years. Perhaps I need to make it clear that I won't be hanging around for this to go on forever.

mintbiscuit Tue 13-Feb-18 17:56:44

Your DPs ExW sounds exactly like my DH's.

He grew a backbone, saw her for exactly what she is and cut her off. Not before she had completely destroyed his relationship with his DCs who refuse to have anything to do with him. (And she turned them against his own family too)

He lives in hope that one day he will be reconciled with his DCs but he is a far far happier individual without her in his life.

Sounds like your DP isn't ready to face reality yet.

OnTheBeaches Tue 13-Feb-18 17:57:41

He wanted her to go for mediation after they split. She refused, as she thinks she is completely in the right.
He went for counselling alone for months, which helped him with a number of issues, but he seems still unwilling to risk alienating his children further by cutting off their mother.

caringdenise009 Tue 13-Feb-18 17:59:22

On a practical level, don't let her ruin your plans. If your partner decides to listen to her ranting when you've made plans,just carry on without him. If he turns up later he can order some food. If he misses out that's tough. Actions have consequences, let him start to see that.

DriggleDraggle Tue 13-Feb-18 18:00:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Tue 13-Feb-18 18:00:56

It sounds like you are willing to hang around for more of this treatment. It won't change unless you force the issue.

OnTheBeaches Tue 13-Feb-18 18:01:43

Mint - I would really love to show my DP your reply, but he would probably be mortified and angry I'd written this thread. I hope he will eventually tell her where to fuck off to. Good for your DH.
Sorry to hear about his kidsthougj, it's shit what bitter ex wives are getting away with.
Maybe one day they will wake up and realise.

Nicknacky Tue 13-Feb-18 18:02:03

What do they have to talk about for two hours while you are out for dinner?!

AnyFucker Tue 13-Feb-18 18:03:23

I would be suspicious there is more to this than you know

She has something over him.

Snowydaysarehere Tue 13-Feb-18 18:03:23

He doesn't have dc op. He has adult offspring. And a WELCOME sign on his head.

Bringmewineandcake Tue 13-Feb-18 18:07:26

If you don’t want to leave him, stop waiting around for him. If he doesn’t join you after 10 mins then order and carry on with your plans. He’ll either come to the realisation of what he’s missing out on and stop answering her calls when you’re out, or he’ll keep being at her beck and call and maybe then you’ll decide enough is enough.

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