Husband and I splitting up

[fedup55]

I'm so fed up, all we do is bicker and argue. It's always over nothing, the mundane things. In an ideal world he would like me not to moan, meaning he would leave the house a mess and not clean or tidy until it suits him. Not an option when we both work and have a young baby. His standards of cleaning are a lot lower than mine. But I'm not clean freak by any means either I just expect the kitchen clean for me coming home from work. He doesn't have to start work till 1pm but chooses to go in at 10/11am. I start at 7am so I can get home at 4pm for the baby. I do my chores and spend time with baby after work. I expect him to do his before since he's not in till 7/8pm. The baby is clingy after 4pm and won't go down to let me get much done. If I say/moan that this or that hasn't been done then he cracks up. He will often go moody and silent and half the time I don't even know he's in a mood coz I'm busy.

I never go out, I do the lions share with the baby and don't have an issue with that. He complained last month that I didn't let him organise a night out in advance for his bday. I asked to go out at after 8 as I was working and this gave me a chance to eat and tidy before he went out. I wasn't going, no babysitter. He wanted people to the house at 6 but I asked him not to and also not to go out at 6, as I was working. He knows I have no issue with how late he stays out and most likely he wouldn't have came home till Sunday. As long as I know he is safe I don't mind this. He had a go at me saying I never allow him out and he's only been out twice this year, on both those occasions me and the baby also were invited but I drove to allow him the opportunity to drink. On both those occasions he didn't come near me or the baby as he was socialising, he got me a glass of juice as quickly as he could then went back to his mates who he had been with for hours on his own before we arrived. He didn't go and get me any food that had been served even tho he knew I hadn't ate all day and had asked him to get me some. When I said this to him he said I was being unreasonable. That's what he's like all the time.

I thought it was quite a big deal going back to work after mat leave and was anxious about leaving the baby and thought he would have came and met me for lunch one day, we work in the same town and used to do it often but he made no effort. When I mentioned it to him I was being dramatic and everyone has to leave their baby to go back to work.....

He had the cheek to tell me the other day that I don't care about him, when pushed he wouldnt give any reasons then eventually said it was I pull away from cuddles etc. I have explained this to him before that I just feel like he doesn't have any consideration for me at all and I'm just a nuisance to him. He only seems to want me when it suits him and I find it hard to have this affection when he's just called me dramatic and not taken my feelings on board when saying how hurt I was he didn't want to meet me for a quick lunch on my first week back. I make mountains out of molehills apparently. Iv told him that I feel he doesn't take anything I say seriously and dismisses me all the time so in his ideal world i wouldn't complain to him when I feel like this. This would result in me being sent to a loony bin.

I don't know what to do anymore. He organised a workman to come to the house first thing this morning and didn't tell me till last night. I had no means to pay him and didn't have the paperwork he needed as husband has put it away somewhere. I phoned him 6 times to ask for it but he didn't get the missed calls. I'm being dramatic about having an issue with this and for not being happy that there was no way for me to pay. He is now going to do a bank transfer but this was only organised after I asked him to sort it. I just wanted a simple sorry I'll be more organised in future.

So there's a snippet in to my shit life at the minute. I'm fed up and want to run away but we don't have any where to go. AIBU?

[fedup55]

Sorry just for clarity, he did go out for his birthday. He got a phone call that night, it was after 8, the baby was sleeping and I had cooked dinner for both of us and he cleaned it away so I was quite happy for him to go out.

He generally doesn't do anything nice for me, doesn't go out of his way and doesn't make an effort. I don't expect much but I am a thoughtful person and suppose just don't understand how people can be thoughtless.

He bought me a magazine last week off his own back, randomly. This was very much appreciated and I told him that. That's the nicest thing he's done for me in a very long time. We are both adult professionals and chose to start a family, I'm getting giddy over a fucking magazine.

[Sonders]

TBH nothing you've described seems particularly heinous in isolation, just two people who have stopped supporting and communicating with each other.

You have two options, focus on rebuilding your relationship (possible with outside help) or call it quits. There's no shame in either, but staying like you are isn't helpful for anybody. It's time for you both to make a decision.

[TruJay]

How old is your baby? This sounds like two very sleep deprived new parents who don't have support around them for a bit of childcare now and then for a night out to reconnect hence your dh ditching you for friends.

[PossiblyPFB]

Agree with PP - it’s all trivial stuff that taken together becomes overwhelming, especially with the added stresses of working and a baby. If there are no major red flag issues such as abuse, etc, I would really suggest counselling - this sort of stuff is surmountable with better communication and an understanding of the other person’s point of view. It’s possible to recover and thrive. Hoping for the best for you.

[socksandrocks]

Baby is 1 year old and pretty much sleeping through. I'm still BF if needed in the night so no intervention from him needed. He can't cope on no sleep.

All our arguments have been this small and petty but it really takes its toll.

I told him today I'm so fed and I can't see a way out that it would be easier not to live any more. He didn't even acknowledge what I'd said. I didn't suffer from PND but think I was fairly close to it a few days or at least had a few bad days/weeks. I tried to tell him this but he always dismissed it

[bramblina]

I don't think yabu but I do think this is an example of new parents adjusting, or not, to the new family life. You both need a meal together to agree on what you both actually want- perhaps he wants his old life back but doesn't realise. I think it took us years to adjust as I was so OTT about our baby and dh was much more relaxed. We have grown with it though and now have 3 dcs. Beware though, as soon as you get use to this life, baby will grow and you'll need to adjust again. I think it appears that 95% of couples just get on with it and there appears to be no change but I think behind closed doors this must be very different. Either that or I am just completely way OTT!!

[LokiBear]

Everyone goes through the shift in dynamics once you have a baby and it is really tough. The two of you are resentful of each other. I've been there. You can't go on like this, but you will struggle to fix things on your own. I'd highly recommend Relate. Its pricey, but it saved our marriage. We spent about £400 on a course of sessions and, in the long run, it's cheaper than a divorce.

[fedup55]

Sorry I name changed for privacy but that didn't go very well lol

[fedup55]

Bramblina

I think that's it, he doesn't realise it but he misses his old life. He keeps making grand plans for his bday next year and very rarely do they include the baby, it's not nice to hear and I feel like he just wants to go back to being pissed every weekend. Even tho I'm happy not going out it's nice to get a night off once a week so thought he wouldn't mind staying in more and spending time with us.

He never organises to do anything nice for us all as a family and i thought it would have been so nice to have a lunch date since baby was with childminder for the first time but he said he couldn't find time, he could have spared 20 mins and worked on a bit in the evening as thats an option for him.

[Wellfuckmeinbothears]

Hi op,

I can hear how frustrated and fed up you are but to be honest none of what you have described sounds particularly dreadful. You sound like new parents! Once a baby comes along it changes everything, the whole dynamic of your marriage. You have less time for yourself and even less for each other but it does get easier. He has shown himself to be inconsiderate and that needs to be addressed. What is your communication like, can you talk honestly to each other without it descending into a row?

Do you want to leave or are you still in love with your husband and just need things to change?

[Zaphodsotherhead]

How was he before the baby arrived?

Tbh, if his main hobby was 'going out and getting pissed' and he was used to coming and going as he wanted, he is going to find it very hard to adjust, and he may never really come to terms with the fact that his life should be very very different.

You've had the baby, you've changed your expectations. Maybe he can't change his.

[Casperr]

He sounds selfish am sorry to say. It appears that he has no consideration for you and sees all housework and babywork as wifework and it's too beneath him. You will be much better off than him, at least you won't be carrying a deadload on your shoulders.

[expatinscotland]

Sadly, some people only show their true colours after a child is born or a crisis of some sort happens. He doesn't want his life to change at all and won't communicate, talk, try to change. You can suggest things, work round, plead, etc. But it's like talking to a brick wall. What's important is that you recognise you're flogging a dead horse and move on, as you are doing. Far too many will go on to procreate again and again with someone they know is inherently selfish and unsupportive and then wind up unable to afford to leave, etc.

All you can do is tell him this isn't working and you need some time apart.

[Casperr]

Expat said it better than me.

[Dollius01]

Bit surprised at everyone saying "this is all normal". I don't think it is. Your DH sounds completely thoughtless and uncaring. It is clear you are doing everything for the baby and in the house and he doesn't care about the toll that is taking on you

[fedup55]

Zaphod,

He done what he liked and we both done our own thing. He would come home and sit in the kitchen to watch tv while I was in living room. Didn't really want to do anything together in the house, I would like to play scrabble or chat with no tv, or have a few glasses of wine together and chat but he only drank to get pissed and is obsessed with tv.

We have the same circle of friends so socialised with them but not together, we would go out and come home together and he would maybe bring me some drinks but never together. I'd often want to meet after work for a drink then bus home but it didn't interest him as he likes a sesh. Funny now tho that all those things would interest him and he likes having one or two drinks at home, I wouldn't do this while baby is still young, BF and often in our bed. Someone has to be sober.

[LuxuryWoman2017]

Agree with Expat

[ReanimatedSGB]

I think you should cut your losses and get rid of him. He doesn't care about you, because he sees you as a 'woman', not a person. You and the baby are just props in the background of his ever so important life.

Sort out the information regarding how you will manage if you end the marriage - is your home bought or rented, and in whose name? You would get tax credits as a working single parent, and your H would be legally obliged to pay maintenance for your child. It's good to have this information even if you don't choose to act on it yet.

[expatinscotland]

And the more you write, it seems he's also a pishheid. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

[fedup55]

Expat

I told him last week I needed a few days and he had to go. Not to the spare room but go. I want him to know I'm serious and need him to change but he refuses to change until I change / stop moaning and nagging, be happier to see him / yes in theory all these things are great but I get so frustrated coming home to another stinking mess in the kitchen with screaming baby who won't go down and wants dinner...

Anyway, he said he would go then when he came home said do you really want me out, Iv nowhere to go. I felt bad and sorry for him that he had nowhere to go so told him to do what he liked. Next time he was in my bed and carrying on like normal. I feel like a mega bitch. He's chatting to our mutual friends and my family about my 'behaviour' and painting me to be a bitch. He's telling me my sister agrees I moan too much and need to reign it in. I don't think I'm entitled or right to moan but I refuse to carry the whole responsibility of the house on my shoulders and if he's sitting scratching himself while there's a mess in the house I'm going to tell him about it. Is that such a bad thing?? If he actually listened the first time I moaned asked, accepted it and dealt with it then I wouldn't have to continue asking moaning. What he does is ignore it so it becomes and issue then says I'm making a mountain out a molehill. He's quite good at trying to play mind games.

Told me the other night that I didn't want hugs coz that's who I am as a person coz my mother never hugged me growing up. I get quite easily annoyed with noises like chewing or tapping of fingernails and he makes a big deal of saying how these things annoy me, am I not allowed to be annoyed by anything? I'm not perfect and never said I was ffs

[MatildaTheCat]

What was good about your relationship before your baby came along?

I totally agreed with the pp who says you’ve lost all communication and the sense of pulling together. It’s such a common problem with new parents that life becomes a point scoring exercise. You are constantly miserable and feeling put upon and he feels constantly got at.

Unless you both agree that the situation needs to improve and you both need to communicate and compromise I can’t see much changing.

[fedup55]

Matilda

I suppose we enjoyed going out with our friends, going to the cinema and going on holiday together. All things that will never happen again now we have the baby, holidays we're piss ups from start to finish. He once ridiculed me when I tried to pack some books to take away don't get me wrong I enjoyed these hols too, both in our twenties this was fun but I was fed up and we both decided to have a family. He wanted to start 10 years ago but I said no I wanted to have my fun first so I was completely ready.

We both agree things need to improve, the problem is we are both digging our heels in about fixing it. I know I'm not perfect but I do think he has a lot to change to be a better husband. Iv told him he needs to do XYZ round the house and not leave a mess on the days I'm working. He understands why. As soon as I say anything about him that's not complete praise he can't deal with it. The workman this morning for example, he's cracking up because I wasn't happy there was no payment and no paperwork. Yet when he is in charge of taking baby anywhere I pack the bag, lay out the clothes, write a list of what food is to be eaten. He knows I like to be organised and I try to make his life easy if I can coz I know that's not something he would do easily, I also want to know baby is out the house wearing clean, matching clothes and has a bib, hat and blanket on.

[GabsAlot]

you gotta love men u ask one time to do something for you they say yuoure nagging

he sounds like he just doesnt like family life thought he wanted it but its not for him

id leave

[ReanimatedSGB]

He really does sound like a shit. I think he's abusive and will get worse - telling everyone you are 'mad' and unreasonable is a common tactic of abusive men, as is a complete refusal to do any domestic work or childcare.
You do not have to stay in the marriage if you don't want to. Whether he moves out or you do will depend on the specifics of the mortgage or tenancy agreement - if, for instance, your home is in your name only and he moved in, you can tell him to leave and have him removed by the police, ultimately, if he won't go. Where he moves to would not be your problem.

[MatildaTheCat]

You do sound quite fundamentally different but that doesn’t have to mean your marriage is over. The first few years of parenthood are bloody hard. The question is, do you want to mend things and try to move forwards?

You have a whole lot of small issues which have become huge because he is refusing to accept any responsibility. What would happen if you let him go out and discover he was missing a part of the baby kit? Nothing bad, but he might check more carefully in future. A checklist might help him.

What happens if you leave the kitchen for him to sort out after work? It would be annoying but shows you mean business.

But communication and stopping the point scoring has to stop otherwise you are probably right. I believe marriage does have massive ups and downs and sometimes on mn you get a chorus of LTB when matters could be fixed.

What are your options? What do you want? And the same applies to him. A serious discussion where you both talk and listen is urgently required.